The worst thing an addict ever does...

Old 10-09-2013, 02:07 PM
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The worst thing an addict ever does...

So, here is my background info, while my husband was in active heroin addiction, he had an affair with a woman who uses, got her pregnant and he and I now have custody of the child, she has signed of parental rights. I know, I know, I deserve better, I shouldn't put up with it, I should divorce him.
He has been in recovery for 2 years.

So I found out he has been talking to another woman (flirty, but not sexually) behind by back. He has also told me he is thinking about taking our child to see his ex g/f (child's mother) IN JAIL!! He wants to try and be friends with her?! To say i'm hurt is an understatement. When I confronted him about the other woman he said that he doesn't know why I stay with him, he will never be good enough for me ect. ect. He says he loves me, but that he can't be "what I need". I think that he is just pushing me away because he feels unworthy of my love. Has anybody else had anything similar happen? How did it resolve, did it resolve, when did you know it was really over?

Also, if you wouldn't mind, can somebody share the most hurtful thing the addict you love has ever done to you? I feel really stupid, embarrassed and hurt...I don't know if I should keep fighting. Positive stories will help too. We haven't even kissed in 3 weeks and he doesn't even want to be around me it seems.
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Old 10-09-2013, 02:54 PM
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My husband cheated on me when he was relapsing with a woman who is older than me, I had even met her casually a long time ago. That was the one that hurts the most. There were some others, but he doesn't even know their names.
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Old 10-09-2013, 04:59 PM
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It would be wise to listen to what he's saying. If HE knows you deserve better you have his blessing to move on. Yes, it hurts like hekk but you can be alone and Good.
If you don't love yourself no one else can.
You deserve to love yourself. Put your feelings first. No one else will.
With gentle kindness.
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Old 10-09-2013, 05:01 PM
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My soon to be EXah ruined holidays to be with his messed up family, sold everything that ever meant anything to me and I got to find needles in the car console when going to get a christmas tree. He also admitted that he had done things like sexual favors to get heroin. Everything awful he ever told me he did, or now the second time I have to find out from others because he wouldn't tell me or admit to anything, is like a sharp punch to the gut. But I'll tell you, being out of it now, I didn't realize how miserable I was after he got clean the first time, up until a few years later now that he relapsed again. He put me in a really awful position this time where I have to work three jobs and have no health insurance, when I used to make really good money but we moved over a year and a half ago for his job. Well I did that for him, and he screwed me bad. Obviously you have a huge heart and a LOT to give to a person in a relationship, but I think we get so stuck in our situations, that we don't realize how much life and joy is drained from us with the poor choices that they make. Stay strong, but take care of you first and foremost. Another thing is, what ever you are translating what he says to mean, it's just your interpretation, it doesn't mean that he's actually pushing you away because he doesn't feel worthy of you, he might just be pushing you away because he wants to use or just be selfish and doesn't want to answer to anyone.
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Old 10-09-2013, 05:22 PM
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I’m not sure where listing others unacceptable behaviors is beneficial to your recovery…unless it is used as a catalyst to permanently sever ties to a unhealthy relationship. By asking others what the worst thing their addicted loved one has done - you’re consciously or unconsciously setting yourself up to compare out/compare down. As in, well my husband isn’t that bad he never did what poster A’s husband did. Or, poster B’s boyfriend was much worse than my husband and she is still with him.

I would flip the question to…what is the worst thing that I did or what is the worst thing that I allowed? And, from there you can work on your own why’s…why did I do that, why did I allow that, what would I do differently now, and what boundary would I be willing to enforce so I don’t do/allow that again?
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Old 10-09-2013, 05:29 PM
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I just assumed the question was asked because she doesn't want to feel so alone and isolated. Sometimes people need to hear what others chose to do/have been through so they don't feel so isolated. Being with an addict can be an incredibly isolating thing.
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Old 10-09-2013, 05:37 PM
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Originally Posted by overit263 View Post
I just assumed the question was asked because she doesn't want to feel so alone and isolated. Sometimes people need to hear what others chose to do/have been through so they don't feel so isolated. Being with an addict can be an incredibly isolating thing.
Agreed, commiseration is certainly comforting. I’m just pointing out the recovery side as something to think about also.
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Old 10-09-2013, 05:44 PM
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Absolutely agree cynical one, the recovery part is theeee most important part of all, it just takes time to get through the process to want to get to the recovery part. Sounds like cantcureit wants to get there, just needs to know that it's not okay to put up with everything just because you love the person? All addicts can end up hurting us bad as we all know, but maybe cantcureit hasn't talked to anyone else that's been in her position?
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Old 10-09-2013, 07:51 PM
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Fwiw, hearing that someone else has been in my shoes--and made a decision to help themselves--is incredibly inspiring. Yes, being in these relationships is isolating, and to hear that anyone else understands what we go through and why helps me to feel understood. So often, I hear from friends and family that they give up trying to understand why I have allowed this to be my life....but they could never possibly understand how we get here and how stuck we feel. You guys do, and some of you even got better.

Cantcuteit, I've encountered some really horrifying things in my relationship with my ABH. Things that required jail time. Things that required hospital visits. All of it was ugly. But the most heart breaking (ironically) was the infidelity. And that fear that they picked someone else over us and could do it again haunts me. I feel you. I try to remember that I am the best woman he will ever know, and if he doesn't want me, then it is his own stupidity/illness and his loss.
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Old 10-09-2013, 08:24 PM
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Dear Cantcureit, I'm the mom in the game of addiction. What comes to mind right away regarding your question was the blame. My children blamed me cause I couldn't braid their hair straight, or I worked part time or some other very dumb reason. It's all my fault, second was the guilt cause I couldn't prevent it, why didn't you see the signs mom? Maybe cause you hide them or I trusted you? Doesn't matter anymore...I work on taking care of myself and be supportive to my daughters whom are both in recovery, and to seek out and accept support. I personally think these kinds of questions help the people who love addicts, it shows we are not alone. Sobriety to all! TF
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Old 10-09-2013, 08:27 PM
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Originally Posted by cantcureit View Post

he doesn't know why I stay with him

He says he loves me, but that he can't be "what I need".

he may be trying to send you a message ??

MB
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Old 10-09-2013, 09:58 PM
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When my husband was in active addiction he had an affair, for a long time that felt like the worst thing he did. We worked through it in marriage counseling ... and just giving it time.... He went into recovery also, almost 18 months now. NOW I feel like the worst thing that happened to me/us was the fact that he was in active addiction while I was pregnant, he was living on his own, I purposely left him out of the pregnancy, he missed the birth of our first child. The marriage we were able to restore, but that experience and being able to share it together as first time parents, we will never get it back.

The comments by your husband, I cant judge of course, but I know based on my experience it takes someone in recovery a long time to get over the shame, regret, and bad feelings about themselves that built up over their time in active addiction.

It is a lot for you to take on, you have been very generous and forgiving towards him, but its something that only you can make a decision on, if its worthwhile.
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Old 10-09-2013, 10:18 PM
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My addict brother broke into our home when my husband and I were on vacation one year.
What pissed me off the most was letting me be so scared, anxious, stressed & worried about my family's safety in our Own Home for months afterward, worrying about who did it and if they would come back - for months it affected me and he swore up & down it was not him and didn't admit to doing it until about 5 years later.
My sanity & feelings of security in my own home was worth MUCH more than the monetary value of the items stolen.
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Old 10-10-2013, 06:22 AM
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So, here is my background info, while my husband was in active heroin addiction, he had an affair with a woman who uses, got her pregnant and he and I now have custody of the child, she has signed of parental rights. I know, I know, I deserve better, I shouldn't put up with it, I should divorce him.
He has been in recovery for 2 years.

So I found out he has been talking to another woman (flirty, but not sexually) behind by back. He has also told me he is thinking about taking our child to see his ex g/f (child's mother) IN JAIL!! He wants to try and be friends with her?! To say i'm hurt is an understatement. When I confronted him about the other woman he said that he doesn't know why I stay with him, he will never be good enough for me ect. ect. He says he loves me, but that he can't be "what I need". I think that he is just pushing me away because he feels unworthy of my love. Has anybody else had anything similar happen? How did it resolve, did it resolve, when did you know it was really over?
Never had a similar situation, although I am watching my gf go though this with a husband who seems to need attention from other woman to be ok with himself, and then he either turns it around on her because of course he did nothing wrong… and if that doesn‘t work he plays the sympathy card of how he isn‘t worthy of her love and she should just leave and save herself because he is a piece of ****. I know she deserves better, she does too. But as of today they are playing the all happy, happy with each other but she is making a plan for her security and the future of her children. This is him, was always him. It isn’t like he hasn’t shown who he is. And he can’t even use the addict card, beg amnesia or high as some easy excuse to blame it all away.

I guess out of all you posted the most important thing is that he has been in recovery for 2 years, and look he is so much the same.

It might be past time to flip the question around as cynical suggested and start looking at your why’s. Not look at him or seek out why he is as he is because frankly he is showing exactly who he is.

Take good care of you.
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Old 10-10-2013, 12:30 PM
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That hooking line about how the addict doesn't deserve such a good woman:

It is one of the most powerful manipulative statements an addict can make to a significant other, and it is manipulative because the addict knows precisely what he'll get in return: sympathy, a relaxing of boundaries, gratitude (believe it or not), and a deal. The deal is that she will continue to be a doormat and he will continue to treat her like one.

When we allow addicts to do what they do and then to keep coming back and doing it again and again, then we are martyrs.

And martyrs always have an underlying agenda. They control other people by being NICE to them and then expecting loyalty in return. ("After all I've done for you" is the martyr anthem. And why did she do all that? To get something she wanted and to make things go her way. There is always self-interest at the core of such self-sacrifice for an unbalanced and unhealthy relationship).

When I hear someone say to any woman who is involved with an addict in an unhealthy and destructive relationship, "You are the best woman he'll ever find", I believe it just adds to the codependent's illusion that the addict is the one who is messed up and she is the saint. I see it over and over in Al-Anon meetings.

With recovery, as cynical one was trying to point out, we look at our own rationalizations.

Someone cannot have power over us unless we give our power to that person. It all comes back to us.
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Old 10-10-2013, 03:55 PM
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Thank you so much for sharing with me. Last night I asked my husband to find some place else to stay. I told him I love him and I will be there for him if he decides that he wants a different life, but I can't stay in this one anymore. I am devastated, but I just can't do this anymore. I've been to naranon but never worked the steps for codependent recovery. I'm embarrassed to admit, I just didn't want to do the work and I did exactly what the above posters said, blamed the problem on him. I thought if I loved him enough, he'd realize it and love me back. It's always about him and what he needs. What about what me and the kids need. It makes me feel better to hear what others have been through, I don't know why, but it just does for some reason.
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Old 10-10-2013, 06:51 PM
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It is so much easier to blame it on them, hell even the drugs. They you don't have to do any work and can stay safe in a world of denial. Change sucks, the work sucks, but it is the only way to find peace and freedom. And you do deserve to live a peaceful life free of confusion and chaos.

It makes you feel better to hear what others have been through because then you don't feel so isolated and alone, so naive and lost. We all have been there at some point in our lives some on both sides of the fence.

You will be ok.

Hang in there.
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Old 10-10-2013, 07:06 PM
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Cancureit, So I found out he has been talking to another woman (flirty, but not sexually) behind by back? What possible would would anyone flirt if there wern't sexual feelings? And he also wants to see the mother of one of your children. I give you a thumbs up for trying to make it work, but if cheating is unacceptable to you then leave him. Rootin for ya.
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Old 10-10-2013, 07:10 PM
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Originally Posted by cynical one View Post
I’m not sure where listing others unacceptable behaviors is beneficial to your recovery…unless it is used as a catalyst to permanently sever ties to a unhealthy relationship. By asking others what the worst thing their addicted loved one has done - you’re consciously or unconsciously setting yourself up to compare out/compare down. As in, well my husband isn’t that bad he never did what poster A’s husband did. Or, poster B’s boyfriend was much worse than my husband and she is still with him.

I would flip the question to…what is the worst thing that I did or what is the worst thing that I allowed? And, from there you can work on your own why’s…why did I do that, why did I allow that, what would I do differently now, and what boundary would I be willing to enforce so I don’t do/allow that again?
I always compared/compare down. Sometimes not even consciously. I really struggled with this in alanon meetings as well. I try so hard not to but I find my mind wondering in that direction still.
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Old 10-13-2013, 12:42 PM
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the worst thing my husband did was cheat on me. he is almost a year clean and sober.....almost a year in marriage counseling, almost a year in my own personal recovery with my therapist....and him cheating on me is by far the worst thing that has ever happend.

thank you for posting. it helps to know other wives have dealt with infedelity during this whole addiction hell.
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