healthyagain

It was just another of those nights: he was not pleased with his supper, then drank a lot really fast, fell asleep, and then woke up after midnight and started ranting. I did not react or get into a fight, but this time I was quite scared, because he has never been this loud before (and he kept the bedroom door open, to be heard better, I guess). I was even thinking that the neighbor next door might hear him and call the cops (which would would actually be quite nice and I would certainly not cover up for him).

Anyway, this morning, I called my AH at work and told him that he should get his own food tonight and make sure that he gets full so the last night does not happen anymore. I also told him that I do not know what is going to happen if it he repeats this. An empty threat? Probably not. The conversation was short and then I just said bye and hung up on him. I just feel so empty right now and so used. It is like if I do not support his alcoholic habit with a sufficient amount and type of food, the rant starts. And why did I call him at work? Well, we never really "talk" about these issues, because the time is never right. So I did it when I felt doing it. Now he can sit and think about it.

BlueSkies1

Very abusive.

That kind of stress can cause you to create a lot of fight or flight hormones, and you need relief from that because it is very unhealthy for your body and your mind. Lactic acid builds up just like after a workout. Clear thinking stops because of this emergency wiring fight or flight taking precedence, just like evading being eaten by a predator.

Can you get away from him for awhile to relieve some of that stress?

And if it's not an empty threat, good for you...you must have a line in the sand that you draw and will stick to, a healthy boundary.

dandylion

healthyagain, since alcoholism is progressive--the behavior also gets worse as it goes along.

In addition to establishing boundaries that you can and will enforce--you m ight think about lowering your expectations to coincide with the reality of the situation. This is important if you don't want to tear your own self to shreds, emotionally.

Don't expect him to be happy about the meals--ever. Stop trying to please him in this way. If he is ever pleased--it will be by accident.

With an alcoholic, expectations often end up with you being resentful. It just ain't worth it.

dandylion

healthyagain

I've learned to control myself, my anger (and there were times where I crossed the line - three times exactly), my aggression. When things happen during daytime, I walk out, go outside for an hour or two. It is a long story, but I am not from this town and do not have any close friends (but I do have a job and would not depend on him when it comes to finances). Actually, there is one person I could go to in case of a really bad emergency, an old neighbor lady, but I would probably contact the cops first. Alanon is another thing, but I am just so inhibited to make that step. This is definitely a place where I could meet some people, I know. And I've been mentioning it for the past few weeks on this forum, but I just cannot make myself go.

I am not really upset anymore, I told him what I had to tell him and I meant it. It used to be worse when we argued, I used to feel broken for days, as if someone poisoned me. When I do not fight, I feel way better and can even finish my work on time. He kinda surprised me last night, because he was really loud. Maybe he demanded my "attention"?I've been ignoring his childish rants for 2 months doing my own thing, not even mentioning those incidents to him. But this one simply had to be addressed. So, he will be cooking tonight.

GoingAlone2

Dinner has nothing to do with his drinking. My husband's excuse is the kids or work. They just look for a reason to behave the way they want to. I've found myself trying to keep the kids quiet enough, the house clean enough, get enough work done, etc... to keep him happy. None of that matters. We can't control the alcoholism. As for how to escape the ranting, other than leaving, I haven't figured this one out yet. I've tried to avoid it just like you, but it's very hard to ignore a loud alcoholic when they want you to notice then & be heard.

resolute50

Does he remember these rants?

healthyagain

I was wondering about that too, resolute50. He rants and rants, and is trowing and punching things, and 5 minutes later, he is snoring. So, it is pretty upsetting for many reasons. It is simply not normal. Maybe he remembers some, but does not think it was that bad.

As for the dinner, I think it is actually about a proper amount and type of food. He drinks every day, and if he is hungry, drinking is not so pleasurable. And if he does not get what he wants, he throws a fit.

I honestly have no expectations, just trying to stay away.

BlueSkies1

Is he ever remorseful for these rants?

healthyagain

He says he is sorry every single time, but remorseful? The rants are getting worse. Whether he can control himself or not, I honestly have no idea. I doubt that he can.

Recovering2

Please don't be inhibited about AlAnon. Walking into a meeting for the 1st time is the hardest thing for all of us to do! It takes courage to walk into a room full of strangers, but I promise you will leave that room with new understanding supportive friends. Everyone there has a story, just like everyone here. But the face to face support adds another important level to your recovery. You don't have to say a word if you don't want to, just listen to others share. When a newcomer comes to a meeting, they are TRULY welcomed.

What have you got to lose by trying a few meetings???