39maleuk

Must get some work done today!!! I am not sure if this is a regular problem but I have NO idea why I drink but it could be a multitude of reasons, one reason could be that I love my wife but I am not IN LOVE with her. She informed me last night that she did not want to wait for me to make the decision x-months down the line that it is our marriage thats the problem and she'd rather get hurt now. Is it common that people dont know the reason for their addiction and is it common that relationships are a cause. I have a great ability to block memories so can not tie down my drinking to particular events or causations.

SkyeSea

Is the drinking causing the marriage probs or the marriage probs causing the drinking...well...only YOU know that one, but as sure as anything, the drinking won't be helping matters.
One thing that zoomed out at me, is that your wife said she would 'rather be hurt now.than x months down the line' - only someone who CARES feels 'hurt'

Have you thought of couples counselling?
Knocking the booze on the head, at least for a while, will also give you some clarity

Hope I'm making sense here - not long awake and full of flu

ru12

Feelings change. You don't feel in love presently, that doesn't mean that you can't feel that way in the future.

When I was drinking my emotions were a mess. Perhaps get some sober time behind you and see how you feel then. As to why you drink, well that could be because you are an alcoholic and that is what we do. Your wife doesn't have the power to make you drink. And sadly, she can't make you stop either.

Hawkeye13

I also don't have recall of many things I did when drunk, but I do remember many instances of anger and yelling. I too wonder what "love" vs. "in love" "means" in terms of my marriage. But I put my spouse through hell many times and when my mind finally cleared a little (and even when I was still drinking but waking up in remorse) I realized the the damage I had done through my choice to keep drinking knowing the outcome may have cost me my marriage. The question whether I "wanted" to be in it was really no longer the issue. I had caused a lot of hurt and suffering and loss of trust. I don't see someone who doesn't want to keep getting hurt over and over with no certainty about outcome as "unsupportive".

It isn't fair for us as drinkers focus only on ourselves when we have family who are dealing with our fallout and may have been for years. I agree with other posters you don't know where you are emotionally when you are in the midst or in early recovery, and you do have to focus on getting your sobriety as a number one issue, but it ain't all about you. I don't mean that unkindly, by the way . I realized as I recovered that my marriage may have been too broken to fix, and I was responsible for much of the damage whatever the reasons.

The irony is that now, with one brief lapse, I have been two years sober and my spouse has become an alcoholic. He had no problem with alcohol until he started drinking with me and dealing with my problems and anger. Now I'm the one who is having to learn what it feels like to deal with a drunk, although my spouse is overall much easier to deal with then I was. Nonetheless, it still isn't fun or any way for someone you love to live day to day, month to month, or year to year. I am humbled and learning this lesson daily, and trying to stand by and support as I was supported (within limits). Can you blame your spouse for not wanting to wait around for the drinking to (maybe) stop so maybe you can decide you're not "in love"? Again, I totally know where you are coming from with this, but I'm just trying to look at her side of the coin. I really hope it comes out well for both of you.

resolute50

You really think there is a reason you drink in excess?
I'm not sure I see any logic in figuring out why.

JMO,but,most alcoholics don't need any reason to get drunk. Could have the perfect life,but still want to get drunk.

Oh,and love is just an emotion. You should be working on commitment.

KateeDidnt

I agree with what everyone posted. I'm struggling with the very same issue. I believe that marriage is a commitment that is worth fighting for, no matter how difficult. Relationships change over time. They can't all be good times I am learning. Even if things are bad now, it doesn't mean it won't be good again. I think that "love" is stronger than "in love".

As for do you drink because of problems in your relationship, or are there problems in your relationship because of drinking, I know it is the second one. Your relationships with people don't make you drink. Your relationship with alcohol does.

I've blamed my relationship for my continued drinking but now know it is not my husband that is to blame. I'm severing my relationship with alcohol. We'll see what happens with my husband.

phoebe64

My reaction to my marriage made me drink. Me, not the marriage. How I reacted was the problem. I got angry and drank to spite my husband, to numb out and to not feel pain.

My marriage was not the cause, nor was my partner, but my reaction to stress, loneliness, and other issues were the problem with how I drank. It was all on me. I poured it, I drank it.

I suggest you do some good work on you and how you react to life before throwing in the towel on a committed partnership. That is what i am doing.

I saw my parents weather some hard emotional times, when my mother was an angry, active alcoholic. My dad stuck around for my sake, really, and they got through it and were in quite a routine as old folks. My dad was truly lost when my mother passed away. Thing change. Life, love and marriage is not always wine and roses. Especially when you are giving up the wine!

Tang

Wholeheartedly agree. I've known many people who continue to drink while they try to find the root cause of their drinking. Once they find it and cut it out, the root cause then changes. There are a million reasons we drink and the AV is happy to come up with a new one everyday.

wakko

I found that when I quit drinking and was sober for at least six months I started to have some idea of who I was and where I was emotionally. I had numbed the feelings both good and bad for so long I had no idea how I really felt about anything.


Recovery takes time an I am certain your outlook on life will be very different a year from now

ExWinoMom

I'm reading the book "mommy doesn't drink here anymore" and the woman discusses this problem. Sobriety and taking it ODAT will bring clarity. Love shmove. We aren't supposed to be "in love" all the time. There is a 12 step group called Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous that help one deal with love addiction issues.

happyhour

alcoholics give too much weight to their "feelings", your feelings are not accurate. in regards to our relationships, if we take real actions (picking up the kids, leaving a nice note, ask if you can help, give praise or a compliment) to support the other person, next thing you know (after they get up from falling off their chair), the relationship improves

if you "wait for the feeling" it will never happen. "in love" is a myth, just go love.

work your sobriety plan though, first and foremost

KateeDidnt

Great suggestion and reminder.

Correy

The best idea. The brain needs to recover and calm down before we're able to really feel what we feel and not just react to whatever triggers us.

Good luck!

jaynie04

Before I got sober I was a cyclone trying to address all the peripheral issues to make my life better, conveniently ignoring the central issue. By trying to understand why I drank I gave myself the illusion I was doing something without actually doing anything. And then I couldn't understand why everything seemed to be getting worse.

It's like asking for a pedicure when your leg is broken. When every gesture or opinion we have is predicated upon the fact that we are still drinking, which bleeds into every aspect of our life, we are starting from a false premise.

Louise82

It was only when I stopped drinking that I found out why I drank. Stop drinking and, by giving it time and learning how to sit with your feelings, you'll find out how you really feel about your marriage.

Jar6489

well, I drank b/c I am an alcoholic. Luckily, through the Grace of God and the AA program, I have a choice as to whether I drink or not. I never really tried to figure out why I drank booze, I just always did. I liked it...loved it. I would still drink on the regular if I didn't have to deal with those pesky consequences! LOL But, Praise God for my choice today! I choose to be sober and crazy.

MythOfSisyphus

Maybe there's more wrong with the marriage than just the drinking, but you'll never know until you get sober. Right now those are two separate issues. You need to address both but you have to get sober.

Love isn't just an emotion, it's a process. If you kept a journal in your pocket over the course of a lifetime tracking how you feel about people by assigning a number (1 you dislike them or don't really care, 10 means you're utterly devoted) you'd find the 'scores' for those you're close to vary a lot over time. You can't be 'in love' every day of your life, it's not practical. But you can be committed/devoted to a person. Again, it's a process not just a feeling. You love people by doing loving things.

Good luck with whatever you wind up doing.

misspond

I think it's always a tricky thing to do, to find the reason for ones drinking. Me? I used to drink because I liked being drunk. Plain and simple really, and certainly no-one elses fault.

joygirl

I understand you. Addictions take a toll on marriages and not all can be salvaged. Take it slowly.

ella213

Yes!

Love isn't a feeling, love is a decision.