james872

Forget all my posts before. Forget all of it.

I just this day posted relatively sober about me losing the taste for alcohol. Now I'm wasted.

What to do? Really, what to do?

I'm tired of quitting. I'm going to quit quitting. Which puts me back into my natural state where alcohol isn't even present. Maybe that will work.

Other than that, I'm done. I can't go on. I'm drinking with the risk of health consequences. I'm drinking and now that I'm drinking I know exactly why.

It's because I am an ugly, worthless piece of ****.

That's it.

I'm drunk and lost and need help. I'm not even sure about the thing I knew exactly a few moments ago.

But I'm empty. I have no energy left to seek help. I'm adrift and looking for something that might help.

****.

Dee74

Nothing you said before is negated. You just think is right now cos you're bursting with self loathing.

you had a good plan to call someone tomorrow. Follow through with that - find a rehab programme - change the situation James.

Dump whatever else you have to drink, and get some rest - be as ready as you can be for ringing around tomorrow and finding help

D

phoebe64

James, just stop drinking. Stop now and reduce the damages for the night. Let your body heal. Don't make yourself sick with a binge. Stay with us here.

ScottFromWI

Call a hotline or emergency services. This is beyond you at this point..you need professional intervention immediately.

I say this because of your close call in the ER just the other day.

alphaomega

Come on buddy. You are not any of those things. You are addicted to alcohol. And, unfortunately, that addiction has proven serious health consequences for you in the recent past. You know what you gotta do. And you can do it. Right now.

Please follow Dees advice and just gets rid of whatever else you have.

You deserve this.

Wastinglife

I think many of us here can relate to your feelings of self-loathing. I used booze to relieved my feelings of worthlessness, which just made me feel even worse about my self. I needed to be completely removed from my life so I went to an inpatient rehab facility. I have had a few slips here and there, but rehab was a huge help. Is rehab an option for you?

Hevyn

Never give up trying James. No one is hopeless or beyond help. You deserve a good life and you can still have it. Please try this again.

FeenixxRising

I felt that way 67 days ago. I don't feel that way today. I never want to feel that way again. James, you can be in the same position I'm currently in if you take some steps to get there.

SkyeSea

James - you DO have energy left to seek help - you're doing exactly that, by posting here
I am also worried, due to you being at ER the other day - can you phone someone (preferably a medic) while you're wanting help? I really feel like perhaps you should seriously think about it...or just DO IT!!

We care about you pal - you're hurting and you're not a bad person, whatever you think right now - you're an addict, same as the rest of us - it's just got to you right now.

Make a phonecall?

james872

I feel terrible about the concern I caused here.

I just don't know anymore. Too drunk. Too confused.

I'm not religious, but it's like the Devil is in my head urging me to drink and not care about the consequences.

I hate being dramatic. Not a word I've written has been with that intent. And posting the following is not meant as such as well. But it fits perfectly how I feel.

Please listen to the clip if you want to understand my situation. This is a skit from an Eminem album where he is having a relapse dream after getting clean:

Eminem - Dr. West (skit) from Relapse with lyrics - YouTube

It feels to me that my trauma gives birth to the negative voice. And I know you can say that it's not a reason to drink. And that others have traumas and don't drink. And that it's not an excuse.

And that's true.

But with the trauma it's damn hard. Give me that. I have been trying. But it was this trauma that got to me. It's not an excuse, but it's not black and white either.

I need to get to the ER, I feel like I've been hit with a hammer and my stomach is truly hurting this time. Sigh... here we go again. They need to implement those stamp cards, come 10 times, get one consult for free...

Just... I'm worthless. No advice I've ever given here means anything if I can't stay sober.

Now I need to go. Good thing it's across the street. They'll probably keep me there. I hope I don't die.

Dee74

best wishes James - I think going to the ER is a good move.

D

Hevyn

I'm glad you're going Jim. We'll be thinking of you. Try to look forward to a new beginning. A better life is waiting for you.

alphaomega

I just lit a candle for you. You are going to be ok.

And once you know that, we will help you get back on your feet.

Lean on us.

Be well dear one.

sugarbear1

my sponsor and I can laugh about ourselves today as we are now recovering pieces of ****.

digdug

James - I could scare you with what happens when you have a stomach bleed. It ain't pretty. So trust me and I'll spare you the details.

I think you can see how close you are to dying. You only get so many chances to wake up. I've used up all of mine.

You really need to get some professional help here. Ask to see the social worker when you go to the ER. Try to get a bed in a rehab. You will learn how to not let your past traumas dictate your behavior.

You really can do this. I have faith in you.

bblackbirdflyy

You aren't worthless James. I hope it goes ok, keep us posted.

james872

I am sorry to disappoint everyone. I can't be bothered to seek help anymore. I'm done.

I don't want to die. But I can't find any motivation to do anything at all either. I was planning to go to the ER but ended up taking another beer.

I'm such a burden to everyone on here, the bad example, a source of concern. You don't deserve that. So there's this thread and if you don't want to be sucked into it, simply leave. I'm not worth it anyway.

I care if I die but can't do much anymore. I have drunk to the point of oblivion. In the past I would drink so much I would stop breathing (something else I wouldn't have shared sober) I'm not close to that. But if anything happens, I can't move. I might haul me out of my apartment again and into an ambulance again if I call. There I would go again.

I checked the records they gave me of previous incidents where I was rushed to the hospital. My alcohol levels were extremely high. Now they are again.

**** it. Honestly. My stomach might bleed. Anything could happen. I don't care anymore.

Should I even still be here? Or am I just being a negative influence?

hawkeyefan

No-one is worthless James! And that black hole of despair can be SOOOOO deep. I've been there and alcohol just keeps you there. Please get help..get out of that hole. You want to live!! Truly best wishes and prayers!!

ScottFromWI

You do care at some level James. Otherwise you wouldn't be posting here. But the only thing that matters now is that you get to the hospital ASAP or call emergency if cant walk across the street yourself. Don't think, just do it

Dee74

I'm sure I've given you this link before but I hope you'll read through the readinbgs again and keep a note of the numbers.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html

I'm sorry that you've decided to do nothing.
I'm even more sorry that your post will alarm and upset people, people that really care about what happens to you.

In the end James it's down to you to do something.

All the advice in the world from us, all the good intent in the world from you is not worth anything if you don't act on it

The hospital is right across the street - that's something many of us can only wish for.

D