s492m

Hey Everyone,

thanks for reading. I just needed a place to share - and am feeling a little down.

So 2 weeks ago my partner of almost 22 months ended our relationship because of my drinking. He always told me that I was an alcoholic and so did several other people but I chose not to believe them - I had a drinking problem, but sure who else didn't.

Anyway the first week after he left I drank myself silly, I drank like a fish because hey thats what I knew best. I was angry at how he could kick me when I was down (I was going through financial issues (caused by the alcohol no surprise), I was depressed, and I just felt the world was against me (typical alcy pity party story lol)). Anywas 9 days ago I walked into my first meeting after a 8 day binge and instantly I knew that this was my way out.

I am currently on citalopram and campral and they have helped a lot. Over the past 9 days I have been feeling positive, getting myself to the rooms daily and feeling positive. Then yesterday I met with him and told him about the steps I was taking to better myself and to stop drinking and I made the admission that I was an alcoholic to him and have made it to myself too. During this conversation I also told him about the lies that I had told him over the past 6 months or so (which is when my financial situation got really bad) in order to borrow money from him to feed this addiction. I wasnt expecting instant forgiveness or anything but I just didnt expect him to completely flip out. I can understand the betrayal and how he would feel especially since he has heard me say this 100 times before (i.e. I would stop drinking, no more lies, etc...) but I just thought that he would be happy that I am finally taking responsibility for my actions yet he just flipped out on me. He went berserk, and I dont blame him, I mean I was a nightmare to be with once I had a few drinks in me, i was manipulative, insecure, basically a huge a**hole. I dont expect him to forgive me right now and I know itll take time for everything to sink in, but I guess I'm just afraid of completely losing him.

Do they forgive us in the end? Please share your experiences.

Sorry for the long post....

doggonecarl

Just wanted to welcome you to Sober Recovery. I don't know what lies down the road between you and your bf. You have no control over what he does or what he feels. You can hope for forgiveness, but you can't expect it. You only have control over your recovery. So whatever is going to happen in your relationship will only have a positive outcome if you stay sober.

Good luck.

britquit

Mine has somewhat began to forgive me but he is still hesitant. I can feel the resentment still lingering. I hope with my continued sobriety things will get better and I hope that for you too. I know exactly how you feel right now. Stay strong for yourself and I believe the right things for your life will fall into place. Be well my friend

Croissant

Welcome s49.

Dealing with loved ones anger is really confronting without the crutch of alcohol. There is no way to predict others reactions. It sounds selfish, but you need to focus on getting well so you are strong enough to deal with whatever the outcome is.

8 days is a great achievement, don't stack too many expectations on yourself too early though. Best wishes...and make the most of what you can learn from this site....it's a great resource.

wiscsober

s492m

As you already can see people here will give you the much support you need.

Sorry for the short post but I have an AA friend coming over and then off shopping and a meeting....maybe you could get yourself to a meeting.

The short of it is: some people do, some don't, and many would rather not be bothered.

It is up to them...what is important truly and it takes time is to forgive yourself...work through guilt, shame, and anger.

Easy Does It...if attending AA Don't Drink and Go To Meetings.

Peace always and may good health be swift!

Keep posting and reading...you already are helping myself and other people.

Ruturn

Forgiveness can often happen, I believe, but it takes time. Its taken 20 years of me being a progressively worse alcoholic ***hole who only thought of himself to get my relationship with my wife to the point it is at. I think it can be repaired if I do my part. I think the last week has started that process, but only barely so. I think maybe 2 0r 3 months may prove to her to maybe believe there's a chance I am changing. I really think its going to take at least a year to build up any trust again at all, and I think it will be several years of me being a completely different person to allow the relationship to get to where I want it to be - healthy, open, supportive and trusting. Good luck and welcome to SR.

wakko

Yes, they do forgive but takes time. You have to prove to them that you are staying sober. Words are meaningless, they have heard them too many times before. They do not wish to be hurt anymore so they will stay a long ways away from you but one day they will believe in you like you believe in yourself

SkyeSea

Welcome to SR

s492m

thank you all for the replies.

I have been attending the meetings regularly and to be honest I dont even have the compulsion to rush to grab a drink at any opportunity. I mean I know its still early days but I havent felt the need for it simply put. Like last night after me confessing to him and him getting upset normally I would have run to the nearest source of alcohol yet all I thought of was that I have no anger, resentment or blame towards him for what he feels.

I'm just scared of losing him, he was my first love and I completely understand that he would feel betrayed especially seeing as how I manipulated him whilst I was under the control of alcohol to get money to support the habit. I guess I just expected the outcome to go slightly differently than the way it did.

I know he has heard this countless times before and I agree that I need to show him over the next few months that this change is forever and not a one off. I do have him to thank though for getting me to take the first steps, because had he not left me I would have never looked at my life from the outside and seen the monster that I had become and taken those first steps. He never pushed me to take them and nor did anyone else, I took them on my own, but the breakup did give me the boot up the backside that I needed to really evaluate my life and for that I will be eternally grateful.

I guess I'm just feeling awfully low at the moment cos I miss him so much. He was always my rock and he somehow always knew when I was feeling down and I would get a message from him at the perfect moment.

I am focusing on myself despite how selfish it sounds, because I now understand that I need to repair the relationship with myself first before I can mend the relationships with others.

Thanks for the replies guys

FlyerNation

I'd wait till you've proven that this time you're for real and have shown some progress.

jesternudder

Welcome to sr! I just want to chime in that you aren't alone. It's been 24 days since my final binge and while my bf is still with me he has still been shaming me for my past behavior and acting distant. It has put an incredible strain on me & while I don't want to get drunk I'm really unhappy about it. He has said "I'll believe it when I see it" regarding my continued sobriety and I guess that's just the way it will have to be. One thing I worry about is if he will keep up the shaming at 6 months, a year, and so on. In that case I may be the one to end the relationship. But right now all I can do is not drink for ME!
Well done on your progress and All the best to you!

s492m

I knew within me that maybe it was a little too soon, but I figured he deserves to know the truth and I completely understand that he needs time to just let it all sink in but I just didnt expect the reaction I got. I expected anger just not to the point he gave it to me.

I dont blame him and he has every right to be angry and I accept that, I guess deep down inside I just wanted to see him see the positive steps I am taking towards the future rather than focus on the negatives of my past.

I agree with everyone that he has heard this several times over and its only going to be time and my continued sobriety that will prove that I have changed for the better this time.

Tuffgirl

Here's another perspective, from an ex-loved one of an alcoholic.

You are talking a couple of weeks here, I assume, based on your posts. He's had some pretty bad behavior for a lot longer than that. Then, to add insult to injury, you come clean about other bad things. I can't say I am surprised you got such an angry response.

You, however, are making some serious life changes and to you, this is AWESOME (and it is, keep it up). To him, he probably hears nothing but "blah blah blah I took advantage of you and lied to you and all that crazy stuff..." He isn't in a place to really understand your steps in the right direction. He's still grieving the loss of this relationship and dealing with his own resentments.

Your honesty, no matter how noble and humbling to you, was a slap in the face to him. Probably not the best thought-out maneuver, but I recognize a newly sober mind isn't always a rational and logical one.

Best thing you can do for him? Go no contact and give him some space and time to heal. If you really love and respect him, back all the way off and focus on your own newly sober life. Work on yourself, so it there is ever any chance of rekindling this relationship, you will be the person he really wants this time around. And if that never happens, you still become the sober, upstanding person anyway. And your life will get increasingly better regardless!

Feel free to jump over to the Friends and Family of Alcoholics if you want any further perspective into the minds of the loved ones.

Peace,
~T

s492m

I see the perspective, and looking and thinking back I do realise that it was too soon for me to come out with all of this to him in the first 8 days of my sobriety. I guess its just the fear that I would lose him and I wanted him to know the truth. I completely agree that if its meant to be then it will be in the future.

Like you say he has heard this so many time before only for me to fall flat back on my butt and he has to carry me up again and he does need to see that this isnt just a fad this time.

roomsforall

Thanks for this post. It's a good reminder.

Anna

He may or may not forgive you. That will be for him to decide and you have no control over that.

The only thing you can control right now is your own recovery. No matter what happens in your relationship, you need to recover for yourself.