Notices

I Despise what I've become

Old 10-07-2013, 09:07 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 25
I Despise what I've become

I made a thread couple weeks ago saying I'm quitting. I made it 3 full days longest streak in last 8 years. I couldn't handle the shakes and urge to drink so I fell off wagon. My drinking completely intensified from when I quit and I can't control it. I haven't left the house since I've relapsed unless its to the liquor store next door. I ****** hate my life, hate what I've become, and hate the fact I shut every single person I've ever known out. Normal people eat breakfast when they wake up i get the bottle and its just killing me. I don't know how to quit I realize an online forum won't help me quit but maybe a little advice on where to go to get help. I'm going to AA tomorrow at noon hopefully sober but I doubt it to see if its something I can see myself going too. Any other suggestions would be great cuz I'm on the brink.
MartyTheDrunk is offline  
Old 10-07-2013, 09:10 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
ScottFromWI's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
An AA meeting sounds like a great plan Marty. Seeing your doctor might not hurt either. The good news is that you can change what you have become if you really want to.
ScottFromWI is offline  
Old 10-07-2013, 09:14 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Sobriety is Traditional
 
Coldfusion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,033
Hi Marty,

I think you're making a wise choice to head to the next AA meeting. I had some reservations about AA, but found answers to my questions here at SoberRecovery.

They say it's good to do ninety meetings in ninety days--my wife and I found that to be very helpful, and we are now almost a year sober.

Best wishes!

CF
Coldfusion is offline  
Old 10-07-2013, 09:16 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Melina's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,129
Hi Marty! I remember you.

We're still here. Some of us have slipped, some of us haven't, but thank goodness we are all still trying in one way or another.

Stepping away from the bottle is a great way to end self-loathing. It doesn't happen over night, but as the fog lifts you may experience a deep sense of relief that you don't have to do that to yourself anymore.

Continuing drinking won't help you repair those relationships and the distance created. It will make it worse.

Sounds like you're afraid of real life. Me too.

But I learned that dying an alcoholic death would be disgusting and painful. And the years spent getting there would be brutal, full of more self-loathing and I know I would be alone.

So I sucked it up and looked around and thought, 'well, now what.' Now what for now, for me, means giving myself permission to be sober, not trying to fix every mess I've made all at once, sleeping a lot and staying glued to SR among other healthy things.

I'm sorry you hate yourself, I know that feeling.

But to be honest, drinking makes it worse. It's an evil and dirty cycle.

You deserve better. Please believe me when I say I promise you it's better on this side of the bottle. Not always easier, ok? But BETTER.
Melina is offline  
Old 10-07-2013, 09:32 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 25
Thanks Melina
MartyTheDrunk is offline  
Old 10-07-2013, 09:37 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
MythOfSisyphus's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,936
Welcome, Marty. Don't beat yourself up too much. There are millions of us with the same problem you have, and it doesn't make you a bad person. You can learn to beat the bottle, there are resources to help. SR is one. AA may be another. AVRT has worked for me. The biggest thing you need is a sincere desire to stop.

You may want to look into medical help for the withdrawals.

Don't lose hope, Marty. The fact that you stumbled doesn't matter as much as the fact that you're trying. If you're willing to keep trying you will eventually succeed.
MythOfSisyphus is offline  
Old 10-07-2013, 09:42 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,393
Hi Marty, if you need help quitting, a doctor is a great choice. One who knows about alcohol possibly an outpatient program. Best wishes.
pinkdog is offline  
Old 10-07-2013, 09:44 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Re-Member
 
Itchy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Marty,
I had the same shakes and drink to stop them every morning and drank from there 24/7. I detested what I was doing too. And what I had become. You did better than me, I couldn't get past skipping the scotch in my first coffee and celebrating my victory over alcohol with a double dose in my second coffee, if I could keep it down long enough to stop shaking and retching.

I needed a jump start desperately and my doc strongly urged me not to go it alone and risk seizures.

I am not rich and then I found a seven day in hospital medical detox I qualified for with the VA, checked myself in, and never looked back. That was three years ago last month.

Yes, there were months of strange feelings, elation and pink cloud interspersed with some anxiety. Bowel extremes of none to too much, extreme situational awareness. But all that was easier to get through. Check around for any local in hospital programs.

Get back if you can, before you run out of tomorrows to quit on.
Itchy is offline  
Old 10-07-2013, 10:21 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
FeenixxRising's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic USA
Posts: 2,441
Keep at it Marty, don't give up. An AA meeting is a good idea, but it sounds like you may need some help with a medical detox. If you've been drinking for 8 years and if you need to drink in the morning, detoxing on your own can be very dangerous. I suggest seeing your doctor ASAP. If your situation is really bad you may need a stint in rehab, but if that's what it takes to stay sober, then so be it.

At the very least keep posting here. If you want sobriety bad enough, you can have it. But it takes time and effort. Just remember, we are all stronger than we think.

FYI you may want to Google for information on medical detox units in your area.
FeenixxRising is offline  
Old 10-07-2013, 10:32 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Jeni26's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,008
Hi Marty. I've experienced the pain and disappointment of relapse, it's the pits I know. But never give up hope. Plenty here have gone on from that to lead happy sober lives.

AA worked for me. Being around other alcoholics was such a help. When you go tell them you're a newcomer and accept help when it's offered.

But please get yourself checked over by a doctor. They may be able to help with the worst of the withdrawals.

Hang in there x
Jeni26 is offline  
Old 10-07-2013, 10:37 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Perpetual Optimist
 
Br00ksie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: LA
Posts: 1,371
Hey Marty,
So sorry to see you hurting. I'm on day 26 of 90 meetings in 90 days. It hasn't been easy, but I am much happier and the meetings have kept me sober. The more you keep trying, the stronger your resolve will become! Don't give up, posting on SR is huge. I'm rooting for you!
Br00ksie is offline  
Old 10-07-2013, 11:03 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
rowd44's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 123
Go to AA. Bring your body to the meetings and you're mind will follow. Stick around long enough and a miracle will happen as you find a power greater than yourself because like me I assume your will power has failed hundreds of times. It's not possible to quit this addiction alone. You need to be with other alcoholics and you need to find a higher power. Good Luck
rowd44 is offline  
Old 10-07-2013, 11:54 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
MythOfSisyphus's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,936
Originally Posted by Itchy View Post

Get back if you can, before you run out of tomorrows to quit on.
+1, very wise words indeed.
MythOfSisyphus is offline  
Old 10-07-2013, 11:58 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
longbeachone's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Long Beach, CA
Posts: 705
Physical withdrawal does not have to be so terribly uncomfortable. If you can go to a medical detox, then go. Otherwise there are meds that can help you get through this. Have you thought about rehab or sober living ?
longbeachone is offline  
Old 10-08-2013, 05:10 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
Marty, as hard as it is to drag yourself out of the house, is it possible to get to a doctor and reach out for help? Referral to some sort of rehab/detox?

I can feel the pain in the tone in what you've written....the sober person within you is there, wanting to live a full life. It is possible mate....sending you good thoughts....please go get help.
Croissant is offline  
Old 10-08-2013, 02:42 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Re-Member
 
Itchy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Marty,
How are you doing today? I hope you made that AA meeting. You'll find none of us are more or less deserving. It struck me that after 8 years you are only now trying AA for the first time. I hope you get into a medical detox inpatient or outpatient. Get into counseling, get your doc on board, and begin to quit now, before you run out of tomorrows to quit on.
Itchy is offline  
Old 10-08-2013, 03:19 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
Hevyn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,411
Hi Marty. I'm glad you haven't given up - you're still trying, and that means everything.

I know you can make it out of this nightmare. I was drinking all day, totally dependent on it, when I finally reached the point you're at now. I leaned on SR and the encouragement I found here. I hope you'll try AA too. You can do it Marty. Never stop trying everything you can to get well.
Hevyn is offline  
Old 10-08-2013, 11:42 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 25
Thanks for following up. I'm drunk right now but sawy emails. I didn't go to AA and I eventually will, but there is no way I will quit now. As a diehard sports fan from Boston it's impossible right now. Red Sox are in playoffs I am a season ticket holder to Patriots and to put it in perspective people might have special moments whether it be anniversary or New Years whatever but Boston sports are my moment. What I live for and I know I need serious help but I know odds against me at this time and I'm not ready.

A little daily event, from previous post I was successful with a high paying job within a investment firm. I got laid off two months ago and my downfall ultimately spiraled. Today I woke up thought about goin to AA but made a White Russian and continued to pound at 10AM I was rdrunk. I then got a call from a top investment firm and I had a phone interview right there. Amazes me how much I killed the interview half in rapper and they want to see me in person Thursday. I'm ******, I can't function sober an in order to sleep I need to be drunk. As bad as it sounds I'm goin to drink before night to sleep an before interview to function. I will follow up to let you know how this goes but def put a dent in today. I need help desperately but of you we're from Boston you'd see how tough it is. I'm goin to seek and stay in tuned with this website I just hope to land this big job. I sound like a loser liar, delusional, an dysfunctional but after Red Sox finish playoffs I will get help. Thanks for all support and I will use this forum as much as I can. I just need the right time to fully commit to quitting which will be after playoffs as bad as it sounds
MartyTheDrunk is offline  
Old 10-08-2013, 11:47 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,043
I'm sorry to read this Marty.

There never will be a good time to quit. Ever.

Whenever you quit it will mean changes, self sacrifice, and a little pain.

Of course it's scary - but it's not nearly as scary as looking back in 10 years, still drinking.

Right now you're putting a sporting season ahead of your well being.
Does that sound right to you?

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 10-08-2013, 11:53 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 25
Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
I'm sorry to read this Marty.

There never will be a good time to quit. Ever.

Whenever you quit it will mean changes, self sacrifice, and a little pain.

Of course it's scary - but it's not nearly as scary as looking back in 10 years, still drinking.

Right now you're putting a sporting season ahead of your well being.
Does that sound right to you?

D
no it doesn't sound right absolutely noting sounds right you know why ? Because I'm the most fcked up person anyone would meet. I skipped meetings because I made excuses and was cocked by time I woke up. Nothin makes sense to me but I know i can't mentally quit while Red Sox are in playoffs, the urge is just wayyyy to great to start off on . Hard to explain, I realize I am a complete moron and this makes zero sense to anyone but I hope to come back strong one Red Sox win World Series and quit
MartyTheDrunk is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:43 AM.