My husband is in Rehab, What Im Feeling
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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My husband is in Rehab, What Im Feeling
Yep trying this thread again because I am still feeling a lot of things right now. Anyone else who wants to jump in, your welcome to add your own thoughts and feelings.
I spent the weekend with my husband, we drove out of town to a familiar place. It made me feel like we were a normal couple again. We talked a lot, it was like deep conversations we had before we got married talking about the lives we each wanted and how we would blend our dreams together. These talks were a lot about who we are as people, why we are, what drives us. I can tell he has been doing a lot of inside work, there are things he has never dealt with and now he is dealing with them. He has a lot of answers but a lot of questions. This may not make sense to anyone, but I see the parts of him that he feels are broken, and I am questioning myself if I have been a part of keeping them broken. I felt like I had always encouraged him to be who he wanted to be, but now I wonder if I have sometimes been a source of pressure for him, making him think he had to be a certain way for me. He says no, but maybe he is only trying to spare my feelings. I miss him not being home, but I don’t want him to relapse again. I don’t know how much progress someone is supposed to make in rehab before they are released. I realize now, rehab is a gift and a lot of people don’t have the opportunity to experience it. While he is there I want him to get all he can out of it. I feel like there is more I don’t understand, and more he needs to tell me so I know if Im doing something wrong and holding him back. Maybe he doesn’t trust me to tell me. I still feel like he didn’t trust me enough to tell me all that was going on before he relapsed, and I know its not logical because he was sick, slipping in and out of reality, but part of me is still hurt by it. Tomorrow we have our family session together.
I spent the weekend with my husband, we drove out of town to a familiar place. It made me feel like we were a normal couple again. We talked a lot, it was like deep conversations we had before we got married talking about the lives we each wanted and how we would blend our dreams together. These talks were a lot about who we are as people, why we are, what drives us. I can tell he has been doing a lot of inside work, there are things he has never dealt with and now he is dealing with them. He has a lot of answers but a lot of questions. This may not make sense to anyone, but I see the parts of him that he feels are broken, and I am questioning myself if I have been a part of keeping them broken. I felt like I had always encouraged him to be who he wanted to be, but now I wonder if I have sometimes been a source of pressure for him, making him think he had to be a certain way for me. He says no, but maybe he is only trying to spare my feelings. I miss him not being home, but I don’t want him to relapse again. I don’t know how much progress someone is supposed to make in rehab before they are released. I realize now, rehab is a gift and a lot of people don’t have the opportunity to experience it. While he is there I want him to get all he can out of it. I feel like there is more I don’t understand, and more he needs to tell me so I know if Im doing something wrong and holding him back. Maybe he doesn’t trust me to tell me. I still feel like he didn’t trust me enough to tell me all that was going on before he relapsed, and I know its not logical because he was sick, slipping in and out of reality, but part of me is still hurt by it. Tomorrow we have our family session together.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
His drug use is not your fault.
I have been married over 40 years, we have a good relationship and a strong marriage and my husband neither drinks nor does drugs. I make mistakes and have bad days. I sometimes say things I don't mean and I am not always as attentive as I could be. Same for him. The thing is, same for most people in a long term relationship.
We work through our problems, we give each other space when needed and we have a bond built over decades that is stronger than anything that could drive us apart.
I am not responsible for my husband's bad days, for his mentality of how he deals with things nor for the problems of his youth. Nor is he responsible for mine. That's how it is in a healthy relationship.
You are not responsible for how he is today. Now here's the hard part...and he is not responsible for how you are either. You each have choices and opportunities to grow, it's up to each of you to decide what you need to do as individuals.
With love in my heart I have to say...let rehab and him decide what he needs to deal with and how and you take care of what you need to deal with and how. You didn't break him and you cannot fix him. Let his recovery work without you. Let your recovery not depend on how he is.
That's a lot to swallow but I promise if you just try you may feel some peace.
Hugs
I have been married over 40 years, we have a good relationship and a strong marriage and my husband neither drinks nor does drugs. I make mistakes and have bad days. I sometimes say things I don't mean and I am not always as attentive as I could be. Same for him. The thing is, same for most people in a long term relationship.
We work through our problems, we give each other space when needed and we have a bond built over decades that is stronger than anything that could drive us apart.
I am not responsible for my husband's bad days, for his mentality of how he deals with things nor for the problems of his youth. Nor is he responsible for mine. That's how it is in a healthy relationship.
You are not responsible for how he is today. Now here's the hard part...and he is not responsible for how you are either. You each have choices and opportunities to grow, it's up to each of you to decide what you need to do as individuals.
With love in my heart I have to say...let rehab and him decide what he needs to deal with and how and you take care of what you need to deal with and how. You didn't break him and you cannot fix him. Let his recovery work without you. Let your recovery not depend on how he is.
That's a lot to swallow but I promise if you just try you may feel some peace.
Hugs
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
more he needs to tell me so I know if Im doing something wrong and holding him back. Maybe he doesn’t trust me to tell me. I still feel like he didn’t trust me enough to tell me all that was going on before he relapsed,
that is still "bargaining" on your part....if YOU did something wrong and caused him to relapse, then YOU can do something right and he won't. his using and his recovery have nothing to do with you. even if you were a raging b*tch, that is NOT an acceptable REASON to use drugs.
here's the thing....he doesn't HAVE to share this inner work he is doing with you. this is his personal journey. he doesn't even HAVE to tell you what led up to his going off the rails. even if he did, it's not like you can then prevent something like that from happening again. only HE can. if you ask an addict WHY often the response is: it seemed like a good idea at the time! there just isn't a good defense.
that is still "bargaining" on your part....if YOU did something wrong and caused him to relapse, then YOU can do something right and he won't. his using and his recovery have nothing to do with you. even if you were a raging b*tch, that is NOT an acceptable REASON to use drugs.
here's the thing....he doesn't HAVE to share this inner work he is doing with you. this is his personal journey. he doesn't even HAVE to tell you what led up to his going off the rails. even if he did, it's not like you can then prevent something like that from happening again. only HE can. if you ask an addict WHY often the response is: it seemed like a good idea at the time! there just isn't a good defense.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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BC, I'm excited to see your new headline focus on how you are feeling! I think you need to go with that! As other posters have said, what he is feeling, what he needs--I think a lot of people in relationships with addicts end up focusing on that and ignoring their own feelings and needs. It's all about you, BC! What do you want from a relationship? What are your needs? What does that mean for your boundaries? I hope you'll take this time while he is in rehab to think on that! Hugs!
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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It may not sound like it, but I don’t blame myself for his relapse, and I know that it happened because of things going on inside him. He and his doctors have to figure this out, and only he can make the changes he needs to make. What I feel mostly is a lack of trust, some kind of betrayal and Im trying to get past it. Before he even relapsed, there were big things going on with work, and he didn’t tell me. I know he didn’t have to, but we normally told each other of major events that were going on in our lives. This time he shut me out. I know he has that right as a person, I don’t want all his private thoughts, or to know about most of what he does at work. But in our marriage, we always talked and shared, and were best friends. He says he felt like he was failing and didn’t want me to know, he thought he could fix it all. That is what I feel torn about, does he think he has to be perfect for me? Did he think I wouldn’t love him if he failed? I know that’s all internal for him, but I am questioning if I give him that impression somehow. I know its his responsibility to tell me there is a problem if he feels it, I cant read his mind. But I still cant help but wonder if I have unconsciously been telling him I wont love him if he isnt perfect?
There is that, and then there is the cheating while he was relapsing and using. We talked about it finally in detail over the weekend, don’t know what I was expecting to happen, its still there, but now I have pictures that are more clear to watch over and over. We haven’t “been together” since I found out. I still feel betrayed.
I don’t know if Im in denial, or too preoccupied with all these other emotions of my own, but I don’t seem to be focusing on his coming home and relapsing, even though he came home on that pass and used almost in front of me. It seems like that should be my biggest fear! He will be drug tested as part of the work agreement, I keep thinking I wont have to worry about it because of that. But will that change once he is here in the house?
I am trying to think about my feelings, and what I want, but I feel confused. Counseling is helping me but I cant work on it fast enough or something. Maybe Im confusing my not being ready for him to come home, with thinking he is not ready. But I had a hard time watching him go back to rehab after our weekend, and was then thinking only a few more weeks and he will be home. I want him home and miss him, but Im scared or something.
There is that, and then there is the cheating while he was relapsing and using. We talked about it finally in detail over the weekend, don’t know what I was expecting to happen, its still there, but now I have pictures that are more clear to watch over and over. We haven’t “been together” since I found out. I still feel betrayed.
I don’t know if Im in denial, or too preoccupied with all these other emotions of my own, but I don’t seem to be focusing on his coming home and relapsing, even though he came home on that pass and used almost in front of me. It seems like that should be my biggest fear! He will be drug tested as part of the work agreement, I keep thinking I wont have to worry about it because of that. But will that change once he is here in the house?
I am trying to think about my feelings, and what I want, but I feel confused. Counseling is helping me but I cant work on it fast enough or something. Maybe Im confusing my not being ready for him to come home, with thinking he is not ready. But I had a hard time watching him go back to rehab after our weekend, and was then thinking only a few more weeks and he will be home. I want him home and miss him, but Im scared or something.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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So it sounds like you value honesty and fidelity in a partner? So that might translate into a boundary that goes something like: I want to be in a relationship with a partner who is honest with me about important things and I will not tolerate lying. I want to be in a relationship with a partner who is faithful to me and I will not tolerate cheating. You can't change the past, but you can certainly go forward with these boundaries clear to you and him. You deserve to have your needs met.
He won't necessarily be able to explain to you exactly why he used or tell you every detail of his psychological state, he might not even know these things himself, but at the same time I think you do have a right to say for the future that you will not tolerate dishonesty about big things like trouble at work. Just my two cents!
He won't necessarily be able to explain to you exactly why he used or tell you every detail of his psychological state, he might not even know these things himself, but at the same time I think you do have a right to say for the future that you will not tolerate dishonesty about big things like trouble at work. Just my two cents!
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The idea of boundaries is new to me, but I think your right I have to make it clear to myself what I expect going forward. The family counselor said sometimes people make marriage contracts after something like this happens, and it makes it clear what ideas we both have about marriage, and if we fall short what the consequences are. Does he get a free pass on all that he did, and its me that has to forgive and move on. He told me he wishes he could change things but he cant. He is willing to do whatever it takes to help ME get past it and trust him. If I cant get past it before he gets home is that going to lead to resentments on my part? Our friends are all excited he will be home soon and they tell me I will automatically feel better once he is home, Im only worrying too much and need to let go of what happened, everyone agrees his cheating meant nothing and I have to let it go, stop thinking about it.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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It seems to me that whether you are willing to forgive him for what he's done and whether you are ready to live with him again are things that are under your control. I'm sure your friends mean well, but in this case only you can decide what you are willing and able to tolerate and forgive.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
When they are actively using drugs, the drug becomes their best friend. (That's what my bf admitted to, and what his counselor said.) When my bf was using, he became very distant. We were no longer sharing things, he was no longer attentive to my needs. He was lying to me. He admitted to me later that he had neglected my needs.
Since the focus because the next hit of drugs, how to score drugs, how to obtain the high, how to keep the high, how to keep withdrawing . . . they stop sharing. It wasn't my fault or anything I did to make him withdraw. My bf withdrew more because he became further and further addicted to the drugs.
In addition to that, lying becomes a huge part of the drug addiction. They have to lie to us to cover up their use. They also lie to themselves about the drug. They lie to their employer, etc. For my bf, the lying continued for awhile after he started recovery. As he continued in recovery, he learned how to be much more honest. Again, this is no reflection on the spouse. It is part of the addiction.
Sometimes, I start getting into my old thinking that I have control over the addicts in my lives. I think -- oh, I should have said this, or done that. That's when I hand the addicts over to God -- to their HP or angels. I try to take that moment to work the recovery I want them to work. I pray for God to bless them and for me to trust in God's plan for me. It brings peace to my day. I also do a guided meditation called, "Letting go." I swear when I do that, bf seems to do better, too. I don't know if it's just my perspective, or if he really does better because I'm letting him own his power.
Take care. I'm sure this is a difficult time for you. I haven't had a loved one in inpatient rehab, but my bf is in an outpatient program.
Since the focus because the next hit of drugs, how to score drugs, how to obtain the high, how to keep the high, how to keep withdrawing . . . they stop sharing. It wasn't my fault or anything I did to make him withdraw. My bf withdrew more because he became further and further addicted to the drugs.
In addition to that, lying becomes a huge part of the drug addiction. They have to lie to us to cover up their use. They also lie to themselves about the drug. They lie to their employer, etc. For my bf, the lying continued for awhile after he started recovery. As he continued in recovery, he learned how to be much more honest. Again, this is no reflection on the spouse. It is part of the addiction.
Sometimes, I start getting into my old thinking that I have control over the addicts in my lives. I think -- oh, I should have said this, or done that. That's when I hand the addicts over to God -- to their HP or angels. I try to take that moment to work the recovery I want them to work. I pray for God to bless them and for me to trust in God's plan for me. It brings peace to my day. I also do a guided meditation called, "Letting go." I swear when I do that, bf seems to do better, too. I don't know if it's just my perspective, or if he really does better because I'm letting him own his power.
Take care. I'm sure this is a difficult time for you. I haven't had a loved one in inpatient rehab, but my bf is in an outpatient program.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
I understand where you are coming from all to well.
The way I look at it.....I can't control anything anyone does. I refuse to chase someone around and drug test them or looking over my should. I just don't have the energy to do it.
However, it is important that you look at his behaviors (money/job/erratic behaviors) and go with your gut.
What you should decide before he is home is what boundaries that you have and what are the consequences. They must be something that you are willing to stand firm on.
If he uses, after rehab, what will you do?
Worrying about the future won't help and will drive you crazy. You can't protect yourself from the "what ifs?"
The way I look at it.....I can't control anything anyone does. I refuse to chase someone around and drug test them or looking over my should. I just don't have the energy to do it.
However, it is important that you look at his behaviors (money/job/erratic behaviors) and go with your gut.
What you should decide before he is home is what boundaries that you have and what are the consequences. They must be something that you are willing to stand firm on.
If he uses, after rehab, what will you do?
Worrying about the future won't help and will drive you crazy. You can't protect yourself from the "what ifs?"
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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Originally Posted by bluebelle 
When they are actively using drugs, the drug becomes their best friend. (That's what my bf admitted to, and what his counselor said.) When my bf was using, he became very distant. We were no longer sharing things, he was no longer attentive to my needs. He was lying to me. He admitted to me later that he had neglected my needs.
Since the focus because the next hit of drugs, how to score drugs, how to obtain the high, how to keep the high, how to keep withdrawing . . . they stop sharing. It wasn't my fault or anything I did to make him withdraw. My bf withdrew more because he became further and further addicted to the drugs.
In addition to that, lying becomes a huge part of the drug addiction. They have to lie to us to cover up their use. They also lie to themselves about the drug. They lie to their employer, etc. For my bf, the lying continued for awhile after he started recovery. As he continued in recovery, he learned how to be much more honest. Again, this is no reflection on the spouse. It is part of the addiction.
Sometimes, I start getting into my old thinking that I have control over the addicts in my lives. I think -- oh, I should have said this, or done that. That's when I hand the addicts over to God -- to their HP or angels. I try to take that moment to work the recovery I want them to work. I pray for God to bless them and for me to trust in God's plan for me. It brings peace to my day. I also do a guided meditation called, "Letting go." I swear when I do that, bf seems to do better, too. I don't know if it's just my perspective, or if he really does better because I'm letting him own his power.
Take care. I'm sure this is a difficult time for you. I haven't had a loved one in inpatient rehab, but my bf is in an outpatient program.
Since the focus because the next hit of drugs, how to score drugs, how to obtain the high, how to keep the high, how to keep withdrawing . . . they stop sharing. It wasn't my fault or anything I did to make him withdraw. My bf withdrew more because he became further and further addicted to the drugs.
In addition to that, lying becomes a huge part of the drug addiction. They have to lie to us to cover up their use. They also lie to themselves about the drug. They lie to their employer, etc. For my bf, the lying continued for awhile after he started recovery. As he continued in recovery, he learned how to be much more honest. Again, this is no reflection on the spouse. It is part of the addiction.
Sometimes, I start getting into my old thinking that I have control over the addicts in my lives. I think -- oh, I should have said this, or done that. That's when I hand the addicts over to God -- to their HP or angels. I try to take that moment to work the recovery I want them to work. I pray for God to bless them and for me to trust in God's plan for me. It brings peace to my day. I also do a guided meditation called, "Letting go." I swear when I do that, bf seems to do better, too. I don't know if it's just my perspective, or if he really does better because I'm letting him own his power.
Take care. I'm sure this is a difficult time for you. I haven't had a loved one in inpatient rehab, but my bf is in an outpatient program.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Knoxville, tn
Posts: 58
I wouldn't listen to people who say you will automatically feel better when he gets home. Don't feel like you have to rush yourself or your feelings. Your path is whatever it needs to be and takes however long it takes. This process takes time. I felt great the first day or two my husband was home. The hurt is still there though. It doesn't go away just because he is home. I've struggled a lot with resentment and my emotions. Having a sponsor has really helped with that. Our family therapist told us that it could take a year for me to find acceptance regarding the things he has done. Being gentle with ourselves is the key. It's ok to be upset. It's ok not to be happy all the time just because he is home. Big hurts don't just go away once the addict is clean. My husband has to find his path, I have to find mine and we meet somewhere in the middle. It's hard not to get wrapped up in their recovery. This is something my sponsor has to remind me of a lot! It's progress not perfection!!!
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 71
BlueChair,
We seem to be having a lot of the same feelings right now. My situation is a bit different because he is still in denial and not in rehab yet (don't know if he will ever go), but a lot of the feelings are the same. I kicked him out of the house recently, I just couldn't take the drug abuse anymore, but now that he is gone my thoughts and feelings are all over the place. I am actually on the verge of having a panic attack just thinking about all of this right now. It is just so overwhelming. I don't know what i want either, and I think that is the hardest part. And not knowing what will happen when he comes back (if he ever does) is even worse.
"This may not make sense to anyone, but I see the parts of him that he feels are broken, and I am questioning myself if I have been a part of keeping them broken. I felt like I had always encouraged him to be who he wanted to be, but now I wonder if I have sometimes been a source of pressure for him, making him think he had to be a certain way for me."
This makes more sense to me than you can imagine. I feel like my husband is broken, or there is something missing in his life, like there is a hole that needs to be filled. But with what? Maybe I can't fill the hole, I can't give him what he needs to be whole again? Or maybe he was already fragile before we met and I somehow contributed to him finally falling apart? I am not trying to sound conceited, but I am very intelligent and super successful, and my family's name holds a pretty high status in our area. I always wonder if he feels like he isn't good enough, isn't smart enough or successful enough to be a part of my life. When we argue over his drug abuse, he always tells me, "I know you are sooooo perfect, and I'm sorry I'm not like you", so maybe that is a part of why he abuses drugs? He feels like he doesn't measure up? Then I think of all of the horrible things I have said to him when I caught him abusing drugs, and I feel horrible. I can't imagine what it has been like for him to hear me call him a "junkie". I know I was wrong for saying such horrible things to him, but when he hurts me I want him to hurt as well. I want him to feel the pain that I feel when he betrays me. But now that I think about it, he IS IN EMOTIONAL PAIN, otherwise he wouldn't abuse in the first place. So every time I criticized him all I was doing was adding to that pain.
And as for the cheating. you mentioned that people tell you that his cheating meant nothing and to just let it go. Well, although my husband has not actually cheated with another human being, he cheats on me every day of my life, just with dope. Finding out he has been abusing and lying to me feels like being cheated on. The feelings are the same. It's the BETRAYAL, not the action itself. It hurts so badly to know how many times this has happened and he has lied to me, but it hurts even more NOT KNOWING how many other times he has done this. I feel humiliated. I feel like all of his so-called "friends" are laughing at me right now because I was so stupid for not knowing what he was doing. I feel like they all think I am pathetic and stupid, I am so embarrassed and ashamed. I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you to know that he cheated with someone else. And although it meant nothing to him, you will never forget. If you can't let it go, can't just accept that he cheated, that's okay. If I was in your situation, I really don't know if I would be able to continue the relationship. And if you feel like you just can't let it go, then that is your choice. You can decide to leave the relationship, and if you choose to leave do not for one second feel guilty about it. He made his own choices, and so can you.
My husband hasn't even made the decision to go to rehab yet and I am already thinking about whether or not I will be okay if he ever comes back. Will I still love him when he is clean? Will I be able to handle him being gone for so long? I am already lonely and he hasn't even been gone for a week. How will I deal with this for 3 months, 6 months, a year? I'm scared one of us will decide that we don't want be in this relationship anymore. I don't know if I want to be with him anymore, I don't know if I can ever let go of the horrible things he has done. I don't know if these feelings will ever go away, and maybe I will resent him for the rest of his life. I'm even more scared that he won't even get the help he needs. Then what will I do? What if I still love him and want to be with him if he doesn't go to rehab? Do I stay in this marriage and deal with it? Do I allow him to come home or do we live separately? I want children, will I ever be able to have a child? What if he robs me of the opportunity? Is it safer for me to get out of this relationship now even thought I don't want to? Can he get better or will he always abuse drugs?
I am experiencing all of these feelings and asking myself all of these questions, and it is pure hell. It's crazy, it's too much to handle. I feel like I am going to lose my mind. I wonder if there will ever be a day when I don't think about drug abuse, betrayal and lies.
So, I guess my whole point was that you are not alone. We all feel like this at some time, sometimes we never stop feeling like this. Some of us can let the past go, some of us can't. You can't rush this because he is coming home in the near future. You know that his recovery is going to be a lifelong process, so why should you have to resolve all of your fears and feelings before he comes home? If it takes you 5 years to work all of this out in your own head, to know what you really want, then it takes 5 years. And whatever you choose to do, remember that you are not wrong for making the choice. I keep telling myself that I can't live my life based on what will happen to OTHER PEOPLE. I have to learn how to find happiness without relying on other people. If my husband is sick, I can't continue to make myself sick. I have to learn how to be okay even if he is not. And you need to do the same, and you will in due time.
Remember, this is not only about your husband's recovery, but about YOUR OWN RECOVERY as well. His addiction has had a major impact on your life, and you deserve as much time as you need to recover from this as well. Focus on you and take it day by day. That's all we really can do.
Take care,
We seem to be having a lot of the same feelings right now. My situation is a bit different because he is still in denial and not in rehab yet (don't know if he will ever go), but a lot of the feelings are the same. I kicked him out of the house recently, I just couldn't take the drug abuse anymore, but now that he is gone my thoughts and feelings are all over the place. I am actually on the verge of having a panic attack just thinking about all of this right now. It is just so overwhelming. I don't know what i want either, and I think that is the hardest part. And not knowing what will happen when he comes back (if he ever does) is even worse.
"This may not make sense to anyone, but I see the parts of him that he feels are broken, and I am questioning myself if I have been a part of keeping them broken. I felt like I had always encouraged him to be who he wanted to be, but now I wonder if I have sometimes been a source of pressure for him, making him think he had to be a certain way for me."
This makes more sense to me than you can imagine. I feel like my husband is broken, or there is something missing in his life, like there is a hole that needs to be filled. But with what? Maybe I can't fill the hole, I can't give him what he needs to be whole again? Or maybe he was already fragile before we met and I somehow contributed to him finally falling apart? I am not trying to sound conceited, but I am very intelligent and super successful, and my family's name holds a pretty high status in our area. I always wonder if he feels like he isn't good enough, isn't smart enough or successful enough to be a part of my life. When we argue over his drug abuse, he always tells me, "I know you are sooooo perfect, and I'm sorry I'm not like you", so maybe that is a part of why he abuses drugs? He feels like he doesn't measure up? Then I think of all of the horrible things I have said to him when I caught him abusing drugs, and I feel horrible. I can't imagine what it has been like for him to hear me call him a "junkie". I know I was wrong for saying such horrible things to him, but when he hurts me I want him to hurt as well. I want him to feel the pain that I feel when he betrays me. But now that I think about it, he IS IN EMOTIONAL PAIN, otherwise he wouldn't abuse in the first place. So every time I criticized him all I was doing was adding to that pain.
And as for the cheating. you mentioned that people tell you that his cheating meant nothing and to just let it go. Well, although my husband has not actually cheated with another human being, he cheats on me every day of my life, just with dope. Finding out he has been abusing and lying to me feels like being cheated on. The feelings are the same. It's the BETRAYAL, not the action itself. It hurts so badly to know how many times this has happened and he has lied to me, but it hurts even more NOT KNOWING how many other times he has done this. I feel humiliated. I feel like all of his so-called "friends" are laughing at me right now because I was so stupid for not knowing what he was doing. I feel like they all think I am pathetic and stupid, I am so embarrassed and ashamed. I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you to know that he cheated with someone else. And although it meant nothing to him, you will never forget. If you can't let it go, can't just accept that he cheated, that's okay. If I was in your situation, I really don't know if I would be able to continue the relationship. And if you feel like you just can't let it go, then that is your choice. You can decide to leave the relationship, and if you choose to leave do not for one second feel guilty about it. He made his own choices, and so can you.
My husband hasn't even made the decision to go to rehab yet and I am already thinking about whether or not I will be okay if he ever comes back. Will I still love him when he is clean? Will I be able to handle him being gone for so long? I am already lonely and he hasn't even been gone for a week. How will I deal with this for 3 months, 6 months, a year? I'm scared one of us will decide that we don't want be in this relationship anymore. I don't know if I want to be with him anymore, I don't know if I can ever let go of the horrible things he has done. I don't know if these feelings will ever go away, and maybe I will resent him for the rest of his life. I'm even more scared that he won't even get the help he needs. Then what will I do? What if I still love him and want to be with him if he doesn't go to rehab? Do I stay in this marriage and deal with it? Do I allow him to come home or do we live separately? I want children, will I ever be able to have a child? What if he robs me of the opportunity? Is it safer for me to get out of this relationship now even thought I don't want to? Can he get better or will he always abuse drugs?
I am experiencing all of these feelings and asking myself all of these questions, and it is pure hell. It's crazy, it's too much to handle. I feel like I am going to lose my mind. I wonder if there will ever be a day when I don't think about drug abuse, betrayal and lies.
So, I guess my whole point was that you are not alone. We all feel like this at some time, sometimes we never stop feeling like this. Some of us can let the past go, some of us can't. You can't rush this because he is coming home in the near future. You know that his recovery is going to be a lifelong process, so why should you have to resolve all of your fears and feelings before he comes home? If it takes you 5 years to work all of this out in your own head, to know what you really want, then it takes 5 years. And whatever you choose to do, remember that you are not wrong for making the choice. I keep telling myself that I can't live my life based on what will happen to OTHER PEOPLE. I have to learn how to find happiness without relying on other people. If my husband is sick, I can't continue to make myself sick. I have to learn how to be okay even if he is not. And you need to do the same, and you will in due time.
Remember, this is not only about your husband's recovery, but about YOUR OWN RECOVERY as well. His addiction has had a major impact on your life, and you deserve as much time as you need to recover from this as well. Focus on you and take it day by day. That's all we really can do.
Take care,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Originally Posted by PhotoArtist
BlueChair,
We seem to be having a lot of the same feelings right now. My situation is a bit different because he is still in denial and not in rehab yet (don't know if he will ever go), but a lot of the feelings are the same. I kicked him out of the house recently, I just couldn't take the drug abuse anymore, but now that he is gone my thoughts and feelings are all over the place. I am actually on the verge of having a panic attack just thinking about all of this right now. It is just so overwhelming. I don't know what i want either, and I think that is the hardest part. And not knowing what will happen when he comes back (if he ever does) is even worse.
"This may not make sense to anyone, but I see the parts of him that he feels are broken, and I am questioning myself if I have been a part of keeping them broken. I felt like I had always encouraged him to be who he wanted to be, but now I wonder if I have sometimes been a source of pressure for him, making him think he had to be a certain way for me."
This makes more sense to me than you can imagine. I feel like my husband is broken, or there is something missing in his life, like there is a hole that needs to be filled. But with what? Maybe I can't fill the hole, I can't give him what he needs to be whole again? Or maybe he was already fragile before we met and I somehow contributed to him finally falling apart? I am not trying to sound conceited, but I am very intelligent and super successful, and my family's name holds a pretty high status in our area. I always wonder if he feels like he isn't good enough, isn't smart enough or successful enough to be a part of my life. When we argue over his drug abuse, he always tells me, "I know you are sooooo perfect, and I'm sorry I'm not like you", so maybe that is a part of why he abuses drugs? He feels like he doesn't measure up? Then I think of all of the horrible things I have said to him when I caught him abusing drugs, and I feel horrible. I can't imagine what it has been like for him to hear me call him a "junkie". I know I was wrong for saying such horrible things to him, but when he hurts me I want him to hurt as well. I want him to feel the pain that I feel when he betrays me. But now that I think about it, he IS IN EMOTIONAL PAIN, otherwise he wouldn't abuse in the first place. So every time I criticized him all I was doing was adding to that pain.
I am experiencing all of these feelings and asking myself all of these questions, and it is pure hell. It's crazy, it's too much to handle. I feel like I am going to lose my mind. I wonder if there will ever be a day when I don't think about drug abuse, betrayal and lies.
Take care,
We seem to be having a lot of the same feelings right now. My situation is a bit different because he is still in denial and not in rehab yet (don't know if he will ever go), but a lot of the feelings are the same. I kicked him out of the house recently, I just couldn't take the drug abuse anymore, but now that he is gone my thoughts and feelings are all over the place. I am actually on the verge of having a panic attack just thinking about all of this right now. It is just so overwhelming. I don't know what i want either, and I think that is the hardest part. And not knowing what will happen when he comes back (if he ever does) is even worse.
"This may not make sense to anyone, but I see the parts of him that he feels are broken, and I am questioning myself if I have been a part of keeping them broken. I felt like I had always encouraged him to be who he wanted to be, but now I wonder if I have sometimes been a source of pressure for him, making him think he had to be a certain way for me."
This makes more sense to me than you can imagine. I feel like my husband is broken, or there is something missing in his life, like there is a hole that needs to be filled. But with what? Maybe I can't fill the hole, I can't give him what he needs to be whole again? Or maybe he was already fragile before we met and I somehow contributed to him finally falling apart? I am not trying to sound conceited, but I am very intelligent and super successful, and my family's name holds a pretty high status in our area. I always wonder if he feels like he isn't good enough, isn't smart enough or successful enough to be a part of my life. When we argue over his drug abuse, he always tells me, "I know you are sooooo perfect, and I'm sorry I'm not like you", so maybe that is a part of why he abuses drugs? He feels like he doesn't measure up? Then I think of all of the horrible things I have said to him when I caught him abusing drugs, and I feel horrible. I can't imagine what it has been like for him to hear me call him a "junkie". I know I was wrong for saying such horrible things to him, but when he hurts me I want him to hurt as well. I want him to feel the pain that I feel when he betrays me. But now that I think about it, he IS IN EMOTIONAL PAIN, otherwise he wouldn't abuse in the first place. So every time I criticized him all I was doing was adding to that pain.
I am experiencing all of these feelings and asking myself all of these questions, and it is pure hell. It's crazy, it's too much to handle. I feel like I am going to lose my mind. I wonder if there will ever be a day when I don't think about drug abuse, betrayal and lies.
Take care,
I went off on my husband when he threatened to leave rehab, called him a coward, and disgusting. Things I didn’t mean at all, but was angry, hurt, scared. I apologized later, but like you I know those words sunk in. When we learn better, we do better that’s all I can say.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: East Coast
Posts: 427
Are people okay with cheating just because the significant others were using? I'm so confused...I don't understand why anyone sticks with a person that cheats. Most addicts lie, cheat and steal...but even if my exah wasn't an addict, if I had known he was cheating that would have been reason enough to end the marriage. I'm just really curious about how someone ever really does get over that? I know it takes lots of work, and I'm not trying to be mean at all, but I feel like as the clean sober ones, we already have enough to work on if they relapse and we are always second fiddle to use or recovery, why tolerate the cheating as well?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
I'm not okay with his cheating or I would be over it by now. What I have learned in counseling is that I have to heal and recover myself from everything I experienced during his relapse. Even if I decided to divorce him, I still have to come to an understanding within myself or I wouldn't be able to move on.
I don't want to divorce him that much I do know, and I have forgiven him, but haven't worked through all the pain yet. His being on drugs when all this happened does make a difference to me, and I know some people don't agree with that, but its the conclusion Ive reached with help of counseling. I feel like we had a good thing going until he got sick again, and I want to build on that not throw it away. He is putting in a big effort in rehab, showing me he is willing to do whatever he has to, I feel he is remorseful, and hurting too. A lot of it comes down to trust, and what it will take to get that back. I don't have all the answers, I keep pushing myself, but it doesn't do much good.
I don't want to divorce him that much I do know, and I have forgiven him, but haven't worked through all the pain yet. His being on drugs when all this happened does make a difference to me, and I know some people don't agree with that, but its the conclusion Ive reached with help of counseling. I feel like we had a good thing going until he got sick again, and I want to build on that not throw it away. He is putting in a big effort in rehab, showing me he is willing to do whatever he has to, I feel he is remorseful, and hurting too. A lot of it comes down to trust, and what it will take to get that back. I don't have all the answers, I keep pushing myself, but it doesn't do much good.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
BC, remember....after a period of sobriety, with a clear mind, he CHOSE to use drugs again. and he CHOSE to hook up with other women. drugs didn't MAKE him do that, REPEATEDLY. now to be fair, I too come from the camp where cheating is an absolute dealbreaker. I've BEEN the cheater in prior relationships....so I do grasp what goes on in the mind. what it ultimately said is that I lacked enough respect for my partner to not extricate myself FIRST - and I got off on the risk of it all. drugs and alcohol did not MAKE me take my clothes off and have sex with other men.
yes he is in rehab now, and remorseful. but remember his FIRST trip home? he is FAR from out of the woods on this....right now the drugs are still very close, mere weeks behind him. there is a long long road ahead. he didn't have a bad cold, he fell into active addiction. again. and that beast will always lurk.
yes he is in rehab now, and remorseful. but remember his FIRST trip home? he is FAR from out of the woods on this....right now the drugs are still very close, mere weeks behind him. there is a long long road ahead. he didn't have a bad cold, he fell into active addiction. again. and that beast will always lurk.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 628
Drugs (and alcohol) do cause people to lose their inhibitions - and some cases lose all inhibitions. My son has physically attacked me couple of times when in the throes of addiction but when he attacked his mother (my wife) I threw him out in the middle of the Canadian winter. (My wife had found his bag of drugs and was trying to flush it down the toilet).
But now he is in recovery. While we cannot forget what he did - we can forgive and move on.
But now he is in recovery. While we cannot forget what he did - we can forgive and move on.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 10
I liked the boundaries that people have been talking about. I've talked about that with my therapist, and she used the word expectation - I will have certain expectations when my boyfriend gets home, and I need to think about what those expectations are. I've been thinking about what the boundaries will be, and I'm basing that off what my expectations may be for the relationship.
The letting go... so, so vital, but for me, the most difficult part. Hang in there. We're here for you, BlueChair.
The letting go... so, so vital, but for me, the most difficult part. Hang in there. We're here for you, BlueChair.
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