I'm Getting better... Slowly

Old 10-07-2013, 05:38 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: In bizarroworld
Posts: 94
I'm Getting better... Slowly

Hi all. Just thought I'd post an update. It took me 4years of trying to fix my EABF because I was terrified that if I stopped trying, he might die of an overdose and I was the only one who cared and understood him and he loved me, blah blah blah. To the point that he could go to sleep at 10pm while I stayed up checking online to see who he'd called or messaged etc. I lost my mind, my happy, joyous and free from being sober, my friends in the program, etc. But I was still going to college (not easy to do when all you're doing is crying).

I threw him out in January for texting and deleting texts (shady behavior) but thought, for the thousandth time, he'd come back in a week as usual. Not this time. He's been on a run for 10 months now, I sat in bed all summer, miserable and lost 50 pounds from depression. He's hanging with a new girl (but not dating her hes said, like that matters) and has lots of excuses for why he hates AA, which is bs, he just cant find his way back in so its everyones fault but his own.

I, on the other hand, still go to meetings, got a new sponsor who knows little about our relationship (hard to find since he and I met and lived out our drama in the rooms), am working the steps, started Alanon, got a sponsor there and am starting to work the steps there, too. I'm hanging out with friends from the program who I dumped when we started dating and am struggling through being without him.

But, I dont miss the chaos, lying, my anger and his, the manipulations by both of us, the waiting for the other shoe to drop, etc. I am a senior in college (at 52) and am relearning how to enjoy my life without him. I have bad days, but as long as I keep busy, go to meetings and call my sponsor, they dont turn into weeks and months. It took 4 years to break me, I'm not gonna get over it in ten months. And that's fine. I want to call him right now, but instead I came on here and I play the tape through of what would happen if I reconnected with him: lies, using, etc. He wants to have a friendship with him and he misses me. Yeah, or he wants to hang out with me without my holding him accountable so I can listen to his tales of how his life sucks. No thanks.

He met me in the rooms and thats where he can find me again. Maybe, after a year of sobriety and lots of therapy. I doubt it, though. Too much damage has been done. I want to live my life happy, joyous and free again. Thanks for letting me share. :-)
terryr97 is offline  
Old 10-07-2013, 10:44 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Ann
Nature Girl
 
Ann's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Terry it sounds like you are well on your way on the journey of recovery. And yes, although my addicted loved one was my son, I had my heels dug in deep and I really had to break too before I surrendered. How odd that seems today, I don't even allow "small upsets" today without addressing them right away.

My son has been missing for 9 years, lost in his addiction somewhere, and people often ask me why I don't search for him like I used to do. Like you, when I am tempted I play the tape all the way through and the answer is always.."and when I find him, then what?'

Only the mother of an addict would understand that. I don't try to explain it to friends who remain friends because they don't ask.

The best thing you and I can do is to move forward and live our lives well, embracing each day and grateful to see the beauty each sunrise brings.

I admire you so much for going to school and following your dream. That will take you far, believing in yourself like that.

Hugs
Ann is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:34 AM.