Wife of an Addict, Fearful & Alone
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 71
Wife of an Addict, Fearful & Alone
Hi All,
I'm a Sober Recovery newbie. I'm somewhat relieved that I am able to share my feelings here, but at the same time I am very sad that I have no one else to turn to right now because I am all alone.
My husband is an addict and an intravenous drug user. We have been together for 4 years and our 1 year anniversary is just a month away. I am very familiar with the pain that comes along with loving an addict, but over the past few months it has become unbearable. I live in fear every day. Every day I prepare myself that it will be the day that I get a phone call saying that he has overdosed and died. I know I am codependent, I bleed codependence! It is so difficult for me to detach and walk away from him because I fear that if I do I will lose him. So I have continued to enable him just to keep him in my life. It isn't fair to me or him for me to continue contributing to his addiction and drug abuse, but I am just so weak and I never follow through with my empty threats. Well, I didn't until two nights ago.
After watching the man I love self-destrict for four years, I finally had enough. I don't know what happened, I don't know how I found the strength to finally put my foot down, but I did. I somehow found the courage to ask my father for help, I couldn't get him to leave my house on my own. I feel horrible for having to involve my parents in all of this, but I had no one else to turn to.
I know I did the right thing for both of us, but it doesn't make me feel any better. I had to throw my own husband out of my home, and I feel so guilty. He has no where to go, no car, no phone, no money, and no one will help him. He has burned so many bridges, ruined so many friendships with people who loved and cared about him, he has lost everything. I was the only thing he had left, but by staying with him while he abused drugs I was keeping him sick. I have just been giving him an excuse to abuse. And I know he thought I would never find the strength to make him leave, so he had no reason to stop.
I feel guilty for feeling this way, but I am hoping and praying that he doesn't find a place to stay. If he has no where to go then he will either be homeless or have to go to rehab. I am terrified for him and I desperately want to go and save him and bring him home, but if I do I will only be contributing to his addiction.
At first I was angry, and I tried to stay angry so that he couldn't manipulate me into taking him back. But a few days have passed and the anger has turned into sadness. I am so sad and so alone. I have been really busy with work over the past few days, and as long as I am working I can get by. But the minute I come home I fall to pieces. I guess everything hit me today - I realized that I am going to be alone for a long time because i know it will take a long time for him to get clean. I can't allow him back into my life completely until he is clean for a significant period of time. But if I am struggling this badly right now, how am I going to get through this a month from now? 3 months from now? 6 months? I don't know if I can do this.
If something happens to him while we are apart I won't be able to live with myself. But if I allow him back into my life now he will never get the help he needs. It's a lose-lose situation. I am terrified that i will lose him, either because he will die or because he will chose drugs over me. I don't want to start over. I don't want to be without him, ever. I love this man more than any person can love another human being. I feel like I have lost a part of myself.
Hopefully there is still hope, but for now I am preparing myself for the worst.
I'm a Sober Recovery newbie. I'm somewhat relieved that I am able to share my feelings here, but at the same time I am very sad that I have no one else to turn to right now because I am all alone.
My husband is an addict and an intravenous drug user. We have been together for 4 years and our 1 year anniversary is just a month away. I am very familiar with the pain that comes along with loving an addict, but over the past few months it has become unbearable. I live in fear every day. Every day I prepare myself that it will be the day that I get a phone call saying that he has overdosed and died. I know I am codependent, I bleed codependence! It is so difficult for me to detach and walk away from him because I fear that if I do I will lose him. So I have continued to enable him just to keep him in my life. It isn't fair to me or him for me to continue contributing to his addiction and drug abuse, but I am just so weak and I never follow through with my empty threats. Well, I didn't until two nights ago.
After watching the man I love self-destrict for four years, I finally had enough. I don't know what happened, I don't know how I found the strength to finally put my foot down, but I did. I somehow found the courage to ask my father for help, I couldn't get him to leave my house on my own. I feel horrible for having to involve my parents in all of this, but I had no one else to turn to.
I know I did the right thing for both of us, but it doesn't make me feel any better. I had to throw my own husband out of my home, and I feel so guilty. He has no where to go, no car, no phone, no money, and no one will help him. He has burned so many bridges, ruined so many friendships with people who loved and cared about him, he has lost everything. I was the only thing he had left, but by staying with him while he abused drugs I was keeping him sick. I have just been giving him an excuse to abuse. And I know he thought I would never find the strength to make him leave, so he had no reason to stop.
I feel guilty for feeling this way, but I am hoping and praying that he doesn't find a place to stay. If he has no where to go then he will either be homeless or have to go to rehab. I am terrified for him and I desperately want to go and save him and bring him home, but if I do I will only be contributing to his addiction.
At first I was angry, and I tried to stay angry so that he couldn't manipulate me into taking him back. But a few days have passed and the anger has turned into sadness. I am so sad and so alone. I have been really busy with work over the past few days, and as long as I am working I can get by. But the minute I come home I fall to pieces. I guess everything hit me today - I realized that I am going to be alone for a long time because i know it will take a long time for him to get clean. I can't allow him back into my life completely until he is clean for a significant period of time. But if I am struggling this badly right now, how am I going to get through this a month from now? 3 months from now? 6 months? I don't know if I can do this.
If something happens to him while we are apart I won't be able to live with myself. But if I allow him back into my life now he will never get the help he needs. It's a lose-lose situation. I am terrified that i will lose him, either because he will die or because he will chose drugs over me. I don't want to start over. I don't want to be without him, ever. I love this man more than any person can love another human being. I feel like I have lost a part of myself.
Hopefully there is still hope, but for now I am preparing myself for the worst.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Welcome PhotoArtist 
I'm really sorry for your situation, but I'm glad you found us. You'll find support here
For what it's worth, you're doing the right thing.
I think some tough love probably saved my life.
D
I'm really sorry for your situation, but I'm glad you found us. You'll find support here
For what it's worth, you're doing the right thing.
I think some tough love probably saved my life.
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
Welcome! SR is a great resource but I hope you also look into resources in your community. Hopefully your folks are there to lean on. Also you should look into your local Al-Anon. You need reassurances that what you're doing is the right thing (NOTE: it is!) and support to keep you strong. And you have to learn why you are co-dependent on this person.
Dee is right; tough love is the best thing you can offer. Supporting his habit just allows him to continue the ride. You can't save him yourself but you also can't be expected to stick around and watch him die. You don't deserve that.
I hope you stick around! SR is a great help to me and it will help you too! You are not alone!
Dee is right; tough love is the best thing you can offer. Supporting his habit just allows him to continue the ride. You can't save him yourself but you also can't be expected to stick around and watch him die. You don't deserve that.
I hope you stick around! SR is a great help to me and it will help you too! You are not alone!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
to SR! Stepping away from him for a while is probably the best thing you can do right now, for him and for yourself. Give him time to himself. Let him choose his own path, either with you or with drugs. Let him make the choice. I know it hurts you but so does living with him. It's time to take care of yourself. 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 71
Thanks Myths
I have been going to therapy for 2 years now, actually emailed my therapist the minute my husband left the house and made an emergency appointment for tomorrow. I need to talk about this, be completely honest about this with my therapist. I know that will help.
Sadly, we don't have many options as for support groups, in my area. There is no Nar-Aron within a 100 miles, and I really did not like the Al-Anon group that I attended a few times. I left feeling really defeated, the group was not at all supportive. They actually allowed cross-talking when two newcomers came to the meeting and cut me off "mid-share" bc there was not enough time left for me to finish. Pretty crappy, right? And that is the only meeting other than NA or AA in my area. Oh how I dream of the day there is a descent support group less than an hour away!
I have been going to therapy for 2 years now, actually emailed my therapist the minute my husband left the house and made an emergency appointment for tomorrow. I need to talk about this, be completely honest about this with my therapist. I know that will help.
Sadly, we don't have many options as for support groups, in my area. There is no Nar-Aron within a 100 miles, and I really did not like the Al-Anon group that I attended a few times. I left feeling really defeated, the group was not at all supportive. They actually allowed cross-talking when two newcomers came to the meeting and cut me off "mid-share" bc there was not enough time left for me to finish. Pretty crappy, right? And that is the only meeting other than NA or AA in my area. Oh how I dream of the day there is a descent support group less than an hour away!
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