Not sure where I fit in here
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 2
Not sure where I fit in here
As a newbie I'm not sure where I fit in here. I have searched the boards and read alot of stories and can identify with some. I guess I should share my story and maybe I can get some advice without getting beat up on. I came here to find some answers on how to move forward with my life.
My ex husband and I split up 3 years ago, I started drinking on the weekends to kind of cope with the pain of my failed marriage, we had been together for 15 years. I ended up getting into a relationship with a drug addict, he was addicted to crack and sometimes took pills. I stupidly thought I could help this man. I gave up drinking for the most part and tried to focus on helping my new found love conquer his addiction. At first I didn't know his was as bad as it was, but I soon found out it was worse than I expected. I kept thinking if I could be a positive influence in his life maybe he would give it up, but he had been an addict for 20 years. Yes we had good moments in our relationship, but the good was overshadowed by the bad; and when it was bad it was really bad, he stole from me and went into rages thankfully he never hit me. I found myself on the same path as him for about a year and a half, I was smarter than that but ended up doing the stuff myself.
Last July I had really had enough of that lifestyle I started moving my stuff out and was going to live with my mom, but by some coincidence ended up moving back to the home my ex husband and I had shared since he had moved on and wanted to live with his gf. I thought that was a way for me to get out of the situation I was in and to maybe start fresh. It didn't exactly happen that way, because my boyfriend ended up coming to stay with me promising to help pay the bills at my home. I guess I should add here that my boyfriend did not work but only occasionally at his mom's business, just enough to get his fix and he always aggravated her for money when he didn't work which she would give into him. She owned the house we lived in and paid the power bill for him if he asked, yes she enabled him. She is a good woman but I never understood why she continued to take care of him.
Anyway he stayed with me at my house for about 4 months. About a month after I had moved back I got an invitation to a new church, which I accepted, because I knew I had to get my life right someway, somehow. Church worked, I ended up quitting everything cold turkey, but still had the dilemma of living with this addict. I finally managed to get him out of my house so that I could get my life in order and be right for my family. We continued to see each other a few days a week and I continuously stayed on him about quitting his habit. I would talk to him and write him letters telling him what I wanted and needed in my life, he would tell me he would do better, which he did cut back, and make a bunch of promises he would never follow through with. To me it seemed like he was with me out of loneliness because we never went anywhere except to the dealers house and hide out from the world. I promised him I would help him get through his problem but he had to want it for himself. I got so disgusted with him I made the decision I had to move on with my life. After 2 1/2 years I had had enough. He still came over to my house occasionally and we would watch TV but I was constantly annoyed, I should've just ended it.
I ended up meeting a wonderful man who has no addictions, just a good, hardworking man. For the first month after we started dating my ex bf would constantly call me, cuss me, threaten to kill my new bf and threaten to hurt himself. He would tell me I should just talk him through his pain. I tried that for a little bit, but it would end up making me a nervous wreck. The ex bf finally calmed down and stopped harassing me and my new bf, but for some strange reason I still care about that crazy man. I don't know if it's because I have a desire to see him do better in his life or because of the promises I made him but was not able to follow through with. I often say I am my own worse enemy because I always have a strong desire to help people, but I know in my heart he is a lost cause. My new bf has been so patient and kind, he knows about my past addiction and doesn't judge me for it, he only wants to make me happy.
Has anyone ever felt guilty for not continuing to try to help someone in so much need of help? What can a person do to put feelings of wanting to help someone aside when it's like fighting a losing battle?
To anyone that has read this far, thank you, maybe simply sharing my story will help me focus more on moving forward with my life and getting the past out of my system.
My ex husband and I split up 3 years ago, I started drinking on the weekends to kind of cope with the pain of my failed marriage, we had been together for 15 years. I ended up getting into a relationship with a drug addict, he was addicted to crack and sometimes took pills. I stupidly thought I could help this man. I gave up drinking for the most part and tried to focus on helping my new found love conquer his addiction. At first I didn't know his was as bad as it was, but I soon found out it was worse than I expected. I kept thinking if I could be a positive influence in his life maybe he would give it up, but he had been an addict for 20 years. Yes we had good moments in our relationship, but the good was overshadowed by the bad; and when it was bad it was really bad, he stole from me and went into rages thankfully he never hit me. I found myself on the same path as him for about a year and a half, I was smarter than that but ended up doing the stuff myself.
Last July I had really had enough of that lifestyle I started moving my stuff out and was going to live with my mom, but by some coincidence ended up moving back to the home my ex husband and I had shared since he had moved on and wanted to live with his gf. I thought that was a way for me to get out of the situation I was in and to maybe start fresh. It didn't exactly happen that way, because my boyfriend ended up coming to stay with me promising to help pay the bills at my home. I guess I should add here that my boyfriend did not work but only occasionally at his mom's business, just enough to get his fix and he always aggravated her for money when he didn't work which she would give into him. She owned the house we lived in and paid the power bill for him if he asked, yes she enabled him. She is a good woman but I never understood why she continued to take care of him.
Anyway he stayed with me at my house for about 4 months. About a month after I had moved back I got an invitation to a new church, which I accepted, because I knew I had to get my life right someway, somehow. Church worked, I ended up quitting everything cold turkey, but still had the dilemma of living with this addict. I finally managed to get him out of my house so that I could get my life in order and be right for my family. We continued to see each other a few days a week and I continuously stayed on him about quitting his habit. I would talk to him and write him letters telling him what I wanted and needed in my life, he would tell me he would do better, which he did cut back, and make a bunch of promises he would never follow through with. To me it seemed like he was with me out of loneliness because we never went anywhere except to the dealers house and hide out from the world. I promised him I would help him get through his problem but he had to want it for himself. I got so disgusted with him I made the decision I had to move on with my life. After 2 1/2 years I had had enough. He still came over to my house occasionally and we would watch TV but I was constantly annoyed, I should've just ended it.
I ended up meeting a wonderful man who has no addictions, just a good, hardworking man. For the first month after we started dating my ex bf would constantly call me, cuss me, threaten to kill my new bf and threaten to hurt himself. He would tell me I should just talk him through his pain. I tried that for a little bit, but it would end up making me a nervous wreck. The ex bf finally calmed down and stopped harassing me and my new bf, but for some strange reason I still care about that crazy man. I don't know if it's because I have a desire to see him do better in his life or because of the promises I made him but was not able to follow through with. I often say I am my own worse enemy because I always have a strong desire to help people, but I know in my heart he is a lost cause. My new bf has been so patient and kind, he knows about my past addiction and doesn't judge me for it, he only wants to make me happy.
Has anyone ever felt guilty for not continuing to try to help someone in so much need of help? What can a person do to put feelings of wanting to help someone aside when it's like fighting a losing battle?
To anyone that has read this far, thank you, maybe simply sharing my story will help me focus more on moving forward with my life and getting the past out of my system.
Choosing Life
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 1,435
That is called co-dependency. Been there, done that myself many, many times (most recently with my soon-to-be-ex-husband). I always thought that if I did this or that, became what he wanted, just "loved" him enough, he would change. Doesn't happen that way. Your ex has a drug addiction and everything you have done for him has only made him stay addicted. You made boundaries, but then you let him walk all over them time and time again. No wonder he kept coming back ... and you kept taking back because you thought "this time will be different." Am I right? 
Not judging you at all, just giving my opinion and hopefully some wisdom that I myself gained in my own experience. I had to realize that my husband's addiction was HIS issue, not mine, and that whatever he did, said, felt, thought, etc. was on him, not me. It had nothing to do with me. But I let myself carry that guilt and responsibility, and every time he started drinking again, I blamed myself.
It's hard to let go and walk away when you care about someone, I know. But it's okay to put yourself first. You have to. He is the only one who can help himself. It's not your job or responsibility to do that for him. If he doesn't want to get better, that isn't your fault. The best thing you can do for him and for yourself is to step out of the picture and set boundaries. You can still be there to help him, but only if he wants and takes the help. I told my ex that I would be there to help him if he ever got serious about sobriety, but if he didn't, I had to walk away for my own sanity. He had a choice, and he chose the booze. Definitely a bad choice, but it was his, not mine.
You might want to check out the Friends/Family Forum on this site to get some more input on how you're feeling. Those folks are going through the same things you are with a loved one and have great advice. I hope I've been of some help. Just take care of YOU.
Not judging you at all, just giving my opinion and hopefully some wisdom that I myself gained in my own experience. I had to realize that my husband's addiction was HIS issue, not mine, and that whatever he did, said, felt, thought, etc. was on him, not me. It had nothing to do with me. But I let myself carry that guilt and responsibility, and every time he started drinking again, I blamed myself.
It's hard to let go and walk away when you care about someone, I know. But it's okay to put yourself first. You have to. He is the only one who can help himself. It's not your job or responsibility to do that for him. If he doesn't want to get better, that isn't your fault. The best thing you can do for him and for yourself is to step out of the picture and set boundaries. You can still be there to help him, but only if he wants and takes the help. I told my ex that I would be there to help him if he ever got serious about sobriety, but if he didn't, I had to walk away for my own sanity. He had a choice, and he chose the booze. Definitely a bad choice, but it was his, not mine.
You might want to check out the Friends/Family Forum on this site to get some more input on how you're feeling. Those folks are going through the same things you are with a loved one and have great advice. I hope I've been of some help. Just take care of YOU.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Scandinavia
Posts: 1,344
Thank for sharing butterycup.
And welcome to SR.
I can not give any advice, I background is rather different.
I could though relate to that even if we can see what is best for us, we can drawn to the path we know will cause us hurt and misery.
And welcome to SR.
I can not give any advice, I background is rather different.
I could though relate to that even if we can see what is best for us, we can drawn to the path we know will cause us hurt and misery.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic USA
Posts: 2,441
Originally Posted by butterycup 
Has anyone ever felt guilty for not continuing to try to help someone in so much need of help? What can a person do to put feelings of wanting to help someone aside when it's like fighting a losing battle?
It's time for you to move on and cut this person completely out of your life.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
[QUOTE] Hi and welcome bc....I think the answer you are looking for is in your post. Sacrificing our own happiness to prop up an addict doesn't help anyone, it just means two of us are going down. I know I don't know you but no one deserves to have these sentences in the story of their lives. When we start to expect less and give away pieces of ourselves like dignity and respect we are giving away our very soul.
To me what you have described is a very erratic and dangerous person who is still abusing substances. I think there is a lot of support here from other members who have been in your shoes. What you have described is abuse, and abuse is progressive. Please understand I am not criticizing you, you sound like a very kind and generous person. Being kind and generous has nothing to do with being involved with someone who is so sick.
You can't help him, sorry, but that is a fact. It is not selfish to want happiness, it is not selfish to feel safe, it is not selfish to set boundaries and to walk away from a bomb that could go off any minute. You can't save him, it is not your job, he is a grown man. It sounds like he lives to use, and I would be aware that addicts like this can get desperate. Really, what does he have to lose?
I am sorry and I don't mean to be forceful, but the fact that he is threatening to kill anyone is not a joke. I don't care if he is high. Crimes of passion can happen in seconds. The other posters here have given you some good advice on co-dependency. I have rarely given such direct advice, but when I read about death threats I take them very seriously. I'm sorry, it makes me very very sad to turn on the news and see that the warning signs were there and that no one took them seriously. Please take this seriously.
Originally Posted by butterycup
went into rages thankfully he never hit me.
I guess I should add here that my boyfriend did not work but only occasionally at his mom's business, just enough to get his fix and he always aggravated her for money when he didn't work which she would give into him.
bunch of promises he would never follow through with. To me it seemed like he was with me out of loneliness because we never went anywhere except to the dealers house and hide out from the world.
.
For the first month after we started dating my ex bf would constantly call me, cuss me, threaten to kill my new bf and threaten to hurt himself.
I guess I should add here that my boyfriend did not work but only occasionally at his mom's business, just enough to get his fix and he always aggravated her for money when he didn't work which she would give into him.
bunch of promises he would never follow through with. To me it seemed like he was with me out of loneliness because we never went anywhere except to the dealers house and hide out from the world.
.
For the first month after we started dating my ex bf would constantly call me, cuss me, threaten to kill my new bf and threaten to hurt himself.
To me what you have described is a very erratic and dangerous person who is still abusing substances. I think there is a lot of support here from other members who have been in your shoes. What you have described is abuse, and abuse is progressive. Please understand I am not criticizing you, you sound like a very kind and generous person. Being kind and generous has nothing to do with being involved with someone who is so sick.
You can't help him, sorry, but that is a fact. It is not selfish to want happiness, it is not selfish to feel safe, it is not selfish to set boundaries and to walk away from a bomb that could go off any minute. You can't save him, it is not your job, he is a grown man. It sounds like he lives to use, and I would be aware that addicts like this can get desperate. Really, what does he have to lose?
I am sorry and I don't mean to be forceful, but the fact that he is threatening to kill anyone is not a joke. I don't care if he is high. Crimes of passion can happen in seconds. The other posters here have given you some good advice on co-dependency. I have rarely given such direct advice, but when I read about death threats I take them very seriously. I'm sorry, it makes me very very sad to turn on the news and see that the warning signs were there and that no one took them seriously. Please take this seriously.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,526
Welcome butterycup. I hope you'll find the help you need by being here. It's a great place, with many caring people who've been through the same type of thing.
As desertsong mentioned, the Friends & Family Forum is a welcoming & encouraging place to visit also. Glad you are here with us.
As desertsong mentioned, the Friends & Family Forum is a welcoming & encouraging place to visit also. Glad you are here with us.
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