lettherebelight

I made a choice today, a day before my 37th Birthday. Been a drunk for 20/21 years. It has caused no end of pain, misery and suffering for all those around me, myself included. I chose not to drink this morning, a choice I didn't make yesterday or the day before. Got thru till 5pm right now, hot n cold sweats, panic, anxiety, fear, dread. Terrified of life without drink, terrified of what might happen if I do drink again. Terrified of the phone calls and the insanity of it all. I am capable of anything it seems sometimes and it is truly frightening. Tried and tried many times, been an AA member for last 6 months. I won't go back to another meeting until I am well away from drink in my mind. I am totally consumed by endless thoughts of what alcohol has meant to my life, my children's lives, my parent's lives, everyone who has had to suffer my ceaseless selfishness. I won't go back until I am sure I will not let these people down again. I know wholeheartedly that I am powerless when it comes to alcohol, and it will kill me if I do not exercise what little sanity remains after the trauma of it all. I despise the way it controls my thought processes and creeps in when I am least ready for it. But I was ready this morning. Poured the rest of it down the sink where it belongs. Going to be one responsible, adult Birthday tomorrow and I will be enjoying it straight. Don't give up and don't ever forget it is the only illness or disease which will fool you into thinking you haven't got it. If you've come this far into reading my introduction you'll know you need the help and support of someone who understands, like I do. So don't give up, say hello instead.

wiscsober

lettherebelight I am very happy for you.

Keep reading and exploring the threads here at SR.

SR is an integral part of my sobriety and Alanon recovery.

HAPPY SOBER BIRTHDAY

lettherebelight

Thanks so much wiscsober, means everything to be recognised for starting recovery. I will be reading (and hopefully writing) as much as I can, as soon as I stop tweaking the curtains every five minutes - even though there is noone out there still feels like the whole world is watching and willing me to fail. I won't let this negativity last into my Birthday anyway. Glad to be here, glad to be alive

MythOfSisyphus

Welcome to SR, lettherebelight! I was in the same boat when I came here, drinking every day and hating myself for it. You're wise to recognize that something has to change. Good to have you here.

Anna

I'm glad you have decided to stop drinking.

Have you talked to your dr? Please be cautious with your detoxing because it can be unpredictable and dangerous.

HeadLump

This can be the start of a whole new life for you, lettherebelight, and you'll find a whole heap of support here too. Welcome

lommey

welcome lettherebelight glad you have joined

lettherebelight

I just want to say Thank You to everyone for such an encouraging and reassuring welcome. The anxiety has dissipated a little, though I am still wretching with nerves every 30mins or so Nothing a good sleep won't sort out. I intend to be active tomorrow, to try to encourage positive thoughts and well-being. Perhaps then I might be able to eat a little. I am quite safe with the detox in a physical sense, I didn't drink spirits other than a 1/2 bottle of wine in the last couple of days. Though I consumed a vast quantity of beer/ale. I have been a binge drinker all my life, I have managed 2 to 3 weeks sober several times this year to date. Then the insipid thoughts of my AlcoVoice come through and encourage me to find a reason or excuse to drink. It is so deceptive. I also experience a strange kind of mania when I have been sober for weeks at a time, racing thoughts, urges to spend money etc. It's not something diagnosable, I have been down the avenue of seeking reason in psychiatry and got no real definitive answer. It is the craving I guess, the sense of loss of control and reckless abandon. It's addicitive in itself since it promotes adrenaline and everything neural that goes with it. It's frightening and the only way I am going to get to grips with it is to talk, on here if need be. I hope everyone will be around when it gets too much. Thanks again

Hevyn

Welcome lettherebelight. I was a wreck when I joined here - drinking 24/7. I never thought an online community could make such a difference in my life. The people here helped me get to my feet and encouraged me every step of the way. I hope you'll find it gives you hope to be here - we all care and want to see you heal.

I was terrified of life without drinking too. So I kept going with it. Long after my 30's I clung to it as a way to cope. As a result, I destroyed my life and had to rebuild everything. This doesn't have to be you. Glad you are here.

wiscsober

Taking care of the body will help the mind settle down.

I think after a week I was able to get a decent one night's sleep.

Happy Birthday great day to begin your journey.

Trust me: a day will come when you wake up thinking recovery thoughts instead of when will be your first drink.

Waking up anxiety free, trembling free, nausea free, guilt free....so much more rewarding than what you describe now.

That voice wants you to fail even though nobody else does...like you said.