Help my Dad
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North salt lake
Posts: 3,325
Help my Dad
As I write this, I ask that you be kind. We are talking about my hero, my Dad. Thankfully I will be traveling back to Utah tomorrow. Back home on Tuesday night. Whew. Now my Dad, one of 7, his sister is dying. Not expected to live another two weeks. Mom wants me to go with him to Ohio so he not alone. My plan was to get into rehab ASAP when I get back to Utah. But my Dad, my biggest supporter my hero My rock. What to do??? I can't abandon my rock when he needs me. I will have to delay the rehab.
What are your thoughts?
What are your thoughts?
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic
Posts: 551
Raider, your dad sounds like a remarkable man. What do you think he would want you to do?
It sounds like he would want the very best for you--your health and your emotional well-being. I would bet that he would want you to get the help you need to lead the life you deserve.
My thoughts are with you and your family!
It sounds like he would want the very best for you--your health and your emotional well-being. I would bet that he would want you to get the help you need to lead the life you deserve.
My thoughts are with you and your family!
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 478
Raider, I agree with Cathryn. What a hard spot to be in for you :-/
I believe your father wants YOU around for a long time. He would want you to take whatever steps you need now to save your life.
Hugs!!!!!!!
I believe your father wants YOU around for a long time. He would want you to take whatever steps you need now to save your life.
Hugs!!!!!!!
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Why can't your mother or another family member go?
I do understand where you're coming from because I am a Daddy's girl. Here's a thought, if you make the trek with him you're surely not going to want to be drinking while you're helping him and looking out for him. Maybe this is a gift and you start Day 1 by helping your Dad and not drinking? That way you can be fully focused on him.
I just looked back to be sure that I wasn't telling you to just quit if you're doing detox for withdrawals. I see that you were able to make it to Day 8 so you could actually use this as a starting point. Your mind will be focused on your father and helping him to get through this tough ordeal as opposed to wanting to drink. I think this could be a good thing for you. A good way to start.
I do understand where you're coming from because I am a Daddy's girl. Here's a thought, if you make the trek with him you're surely not going to want to be drinking while you're helping him and looking out for him. Maybe this is a gift and you start Day 1 by helping your Dad and not drinking? That way you can be fully focused on him.
I just looked back to be sure that I wasn't telling you to just quit if you're doing detox for withdrawals. I see that you were able to make it to Day 8 so you could actually use this as a starting point. Your mind will be focused on your father and helping him to get through this tough ordeal as opposed to wanting to drink. I think this could be a good thing for you. A good way to start.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
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Hi Raider. ugh, tough one. I would be confused too.
When I decided to go inpatient I set a date two weeks away. It made my husband and my therapist nervous like I was putting it off and would end up not going. I knew, absolutely, that I was going. I wasn't a sham, it was one of the clearest choices in my life. It was the first step in taking back my power.
It's a strange place to be, surrendering and powerful at the same time. I needed that time to clear the decks, get things arranged so the wheels didn't fall off the bus while I was away. I had a firm date, and when I got on that plane I never once was worried about what was going on in the outside world. Having the time to get my ducks in a row gave me the luxury of absolutely sinking into being in treatment. I felt like I had a deeper experience than people who had one foot still out the door.
I know myself and I did use that concept of rigorous honesty. What might have seemed like procrastination to others wasn't. It was one of the only times in my life where I felt completely self directed. I knew what I needed to do, and I did it with parameters that suited me. I know this flies in the face of the idea that my best thinkin' got me here. But for once in my life I had a calm strength that didn't need to prove to anyone else that I was deadly serious.
I feel that because I empowered myself to steer my own ship regarding one of the most monumental events of my life it is that much more precious to me. I also feel like my sobriety is my own and that because it was a choice I am more protective of it.
I have a feeling there might be very good reasons to look at the flip side. If you were my daughter I would want you to take care of yourself first. A lot of times it get harder after the initial mourning period and in a month or two is when your dad is really going to need you.
Sorry, this one is a tough call. This is one of those issues that makes me really appreciate hearing the wisdom of others. I don't think there is a right answer. Could you talk to your dad about what he wants?
When I decided to go inpatient I set a date two weeks away. It made my husband and my therapist nervous like I was putting it off and would end up not going. I knew, absolutely, that I was going. I wasn't a sham, it was one of the clearest choices in my life. It was the first step in taking back my power.
It's a strange place to be, surrendering and powerful at the same time. I needed that time to clear the decks, get things arranged so the wheels didn't fall off the bus while I was away. I had a firm date, and when I got on that plane I never once was worried about what was going on in the outside world. Having the time to get my ducks in a row gave me the luxury of absolutely sinking into being in treatment. I felt like I had a deeper experience than people who had one foot still out the door.
I know myself and I did use that concept of rigorous honesty. What might have seemed like procrastination to others wasn't. It was one of the only times in my life where I felt completely self directed. I knew what I needed to do, and I did it with parameters that suited me. I know this flies in the face of the idea that my best thinkin' got me here. But for once in my life I had a calm strength that didn't need to prove to anyone else that I was deadly serious.
I feel that because I empowered myself to steer my own ship regarding one of the most monumental events of my life it is that much more precious to me. I also feel like my sobriety is my own and that because it was a choice I am more protective of it.
I have a feeling there might be very good reasons to look at the flip side. If you were my daughter I would want you to take care of yourself first. A lot of times it get harder after the initial mourning period and in a month or two is when your dad is really going to need you.
Sorry, this one is a tough call. This is one of those issues that makes me really appreciate hearing the wisdom of others. I don't think there is a right answer. Could you talk to your dad about what he wants?
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
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Ask yourself if you will be able to control your drinking and actually be of asistance to him while you are there. Or could it turn into him having to take care of you plus deal with his sister at the same time? Remember you will be away from home, in a stressful situation.
Only you know the answer. If nothing else, don't let alcohol make the decision for you.
Only you know the answer. If nothing else, don't let alcohol make the decision for you.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
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Originally Posted by Raider 
Scott I don't drink in front of my parents. Ever.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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Raider...to me the core of recovery starts with honesty. Have you been honest with your father? I would imagine if he had any idea of how bad things are for you then there would not be a hesitation - he would probably take you to rehab himself no matter what shape he is in.
Our minds play tricks on us and only after we are sober for a little while can we understand this. My guess is deep down you know rehab is the right answer but your family issues are a convenient (I don't mean this to be mean) excuse to prolong your habits.
You mention that you never drink in front of your father but does that mean you won't sneak a few sips in another room or hit a bar a night during this process? Again, I go back to the honesty part if the answer is no way then helping your father and aunt is the answer if there is any question then rehab would be the answer. Only you know what is right - I am just a ghost in cyberspace typing some words.
Our minds play tricks on us and only after we are sober for a little while can we understand this. My guess is deep down you know rehab is the right answer but your family issues are a convenient (I don't mean this to be mean) excuse to prolong your habits.
You mention that you never drink in front of your father but does that mean you won't sneak a few sips in another room or hit a bar a night during this process? Again, I go back to the honesty part if the answer is no way then helping your father and aunt is the answer if there is any question then rehab would be the answer. Only you know what is right - I am just a ghost in cyberspace typing some words.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North salt lake
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Scott/jdooner, I am still drinking. I just don't drink in front of my parents. They know I drink but I choose not to make them uncomfortable by doing it in front of them. I wait until they leave.
I hate the idea that my dad needs me, and I am not there. The timing of all this **** is unbelievable. I am heartbroken.
I hate the idea that my dad needs me, and I am not there. The timing of all this **** is unbelievable. I am heartbroken.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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Originally Posted by Raider
Scott/jdooner, I am still drinking. I just don't drink in front of my parents. They know I drink but I choose not to make them uncomfortable by doing it in front of them. I wait until they leave.
I hate the idea that my dad needs me, and I am not there. The timing of all this **** is unbelievable. I am heartbroken.
I hate the idea that my dad needs me, and I am not there. The timing of all this **** is unbelievable. I am heartbroken.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Raider this is a test and going to your dad is failing the test. You are an alcoholic and still drinking and can't help him, full stop. If anything you will probably make things worse by - you just cant see this right now. If you were sober it would be different. Try being honest with him telling him your affliction and then suggest to him its either rehab or help him. There is no doubt he would send you to rehab.
This is simply an excuse to not stop. Sorry to be blunt but I am trying to help you.
This is simply an excuse to not stop. Sorry to be blunt but I am trying to help you.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
BTW - Raider I have followed your posts since the beginning. So my comments are my support after reading about your failed attempts and posting about rehab for over a month and your desire to stop. You are in prison and the keys to get out are in a 30 day program...I just hope you can see this. You father will be proud - may parents are proud that I cleaned myself up. It will only be after you sober up that you will be able to understand all this - I could never see it in the beg - read my early posts, as I have read yours.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
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No I never drank in front of my parents either in the end. I was slugging it down in the bathroom behind their back.. What's the difference. I drank everyday and was under the influence whether I drank in front of them or not and trust me they knew. I could hardly take care of myself let alone my parents.
Are you sure you are not using this as an excuse to avoid taking action. How bad do you want to get sober Raider? Just curious.
Are you sure you are not using this as an excuse to avoid taking action. How bad do you want to get sober Raider? Just curious.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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We need to help ourselevs before we can help others. Your father would want you to be well and healthy. If you carry on drinking and do nothing to stop it will get worse and worse. There will always be something that needs to be done instead of stopping drinking. I'm not being harsh or making light of your aunt's situation but thinking of you.
You seem unable to stop drinking alone and believe rehab will help you but keep putting it off for your holiday and now this.
Nothing will change if you don't make some changes raider.
You seem unable to stop drinking alone and believe rehab will help you but keep putting it off for your holiday and now this.
Nothing will change if you don't make some changes raider.
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