I feel lost and hopeless and desperate.
Perpetual Optimist
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: LA
Posts: 1,371
I have always had a ****** up relationship with my father, who is addicted to pain killers and is also an alcoholic. He also cheated on my mom with my stepmom, who is more comfortable being in denial than facing any kind of issue. He has cheated on her, too, and confided in me about it- when I was 14.
I have my father's same illness, but, at 30 I am finally doing something about it. I have been in AA for 3 weeks, and have been sober for 9 days, and have not had a drink in over 3 weeks. My baby half-sister is at school the same city as I am. She spends some weekends at my apartment, including this weekend, when she told me that, after going through our father's text messages and personal belongings, she found out that he was using painkillers again. Our father is a physician and the primary bread-winner for our family, which is forcing my step-mother and my siblings to enable his drug abuse.
I went to my first Al-anon meeting today, and took her with me. She also has a drug and alcohol problem, but is not ready to admit that she does. I brought her with me so that she could have some insight into her own feelings regarding our father, and went because I am in a really good place in my sobriety (so far, I have been to 22 meetings in 23 days. The one day I did not go to a meeting I smoked weed.)
My sister later informed me that, while looking through his text messages, she found a text that I had sent our father at the beginning of the summer warning him that she was snooping through his stuff. I have always felt protective of my father, although now I understand that I cannot save him. My sister told our brother and my step-mother about the pills, and the **** hit the fan. My brother also attempted suicide twice 2 years ago, and told me today that AA is ********, that he has no desire to go to al-anon, and that he doesn't have the desire to live and doesn't care about the fact that killing himself would destroy our little sister's life.
I cannot reason with my sister or my brother in terms of taking care of themselves. I have stopped trying to save my father and our relationship is the better for it. I am afraid that my brother will take his life soon. I am afraid that my sister is destroying her life. I was at an AA meeting yesterday and came home to find her wasted and throwing up on the bathroom floor of my apartment.
I am going to continue to go to both al-anon and AA meetings because they are working wonders. But I feel so helpless. My father may not have a chance. After talking to my brother tonight, I don't think he has a chance either. But my sister, I think she still does. My father and brother are in a different city than my sister and I, but she mentioned transferring back home to be closer to our dad, which would inherently ruin her life. They are all so ****** up and stubborn and hell-bent on cutting off their noses to spite their faces, that I don't know. I just DON'T KNOW. I feel SO HELPLESS! Am I supposed to watch my sister destroy herself like my father? My brother has completely shut me out. He doesn't want help. He is too narcissistic and high to see beyond his own pain.
NOT in danger of picking up! I'm in such a good place, but I'm just feeling sad and a desperate and am open to any and all input and suggestions.
MORE THAN ANYTHING, I FEEL SOOOO ALONE.
I have my father's same illness, but, at 30 I am finally doing something about it. I have been in AA for 3 weeks, and have been sober for 9 days, and have not had a drink in over 3 weeks. My baby half-sister is at school the same city as I am. She spends some weekends at my apartment, including this weekend, when she told me that, after going through our father's text messages and personal belongings, she found out that he was using painkillers again. Our father is a physician and the primary bread-winner for our family, which is forcing my step-mother and my siblings to enable his drug abuse.
I went to my first Al-anon meeting today, and took her with me. She also has a drug and alcohol problem, but is not ready to admit that she does. I brought her with me so that she could have some insight into her own feelings regarding our father, and went because I am in a really good place in my sobriety (so far, I have been to 22 meetings in 23 days. The one day I did not go to a meeting I smoked weed.)
My sister later informed me that, while looking through his text messages, she found a text that I had sent our father at the beginning of the summer warning him that she was snooping through his stuff. I have always felt protective of my father, although now I understand that I cannot save him. My sister told our brother and my step-mother about the pills, and the **** hit the fan. My brother also attempted suicide twice 2 years ago, and told me today that AA is ********, that he has no desire to go to al-anon, and that he doesn't have the desire to live and doesn't care about the fact that killing himself would destroy our little sister's life.
I cannot reason with my sister or my brother in terms of taking care of themselves. I have stopped trying to save my father and our relationship is the better for it. I am afraid that my brother will take his life soon. I am afraid that my sister is destroying her life. I was at an AA meeting yesterday and came home to find her wasted and throwing up on the bathroom floor of my apartment.
I am going to continue to go to both al-anon and AA meetings because they are working wonders. But I feel so helpless. My father may not have a chance. After talking to my brother tonight, I don't think he has a chance either. But my sister, I think she still does. My father and brother are in a different city than my sister and I, but she mentioned transferring back home to be closer to our dad, which would inherently ruin her life. They are all so ****** up and stubborn and hell-bent on cutting off their noses to spite their faces, that I don't know. I just DON'T KNOW. I feel SO HELPLESS! Am I supposed to watch my sister destroy herself like my father? My brother has completely shut me out. He doesn't want help. He is too narcissistic and high to see beyond his own pain.
NOT in danger of picking up! I'm in such a good place, but I'm just feeling sad and a desperate and am open to any and all input and suggestions.
MORE THAN ANYTHING, I FEEL SOOOO ALONE.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 26
I'm so sorry, you sound just like a younger me, I always felt like I had to take care of my heartbroken parents and try and fix and help my addict brother.
I'm sorry I don't really have any advice, or words of wisdom, only lots of empathy and well wishes to send your way. Keep going to meetings, you cannot fix anyone else but you can certainly choose to continue getting yourself better.
All my best to you & your family.
Heather
I'm sorry I don't really have any advice, or words of wisdom, only lots of empathy and well wishes to send your way. Keep going to meetings, you cannot fix anyone else but you can certainly choose to continue getting yourself better.
All my best to you & your family.
Heather
Perpetual Optimist
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: LA
Posts: 1,371
The beautiful thing about sobriety is that it has forced me to lean on my higher power, and I am SOO grateful for that! It is a hard pill to swallow, but all I can do is continue to take care do myself. Thank you so much for your warm words. Please keep my family in your thoughts/prayers.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Brooksie
First it's important to know that you are not alone. Most of the folks on this forum understand how dysfunctional everyone around an addict/alcoholic can become. Many of us have nearly destroyed ourselves trying to fix it......by going about it in the wrong way. Either by numbing ourselves, trying to change someone else, and losing ourselves in the process.
You are currently on a great path! Sometimes people can't hear the words we say but they "hear" our actions clearly. Take care of you. Keep yourself healthy and focused in a positive direction as you are doing......and they may see your light and follow.
I'm glad you're here.
gentle hugs
ke
First it's important to know that you are not alone. Most of the folks on this forum understand how dysfunctional everyone around an addict/alcoholic can become. Many of us have nearly destroyed ourselves trying to fix it......by going about it in the wrong way. Either by numbing ourselves, trying to change someone else, and losing ourselves in the process.
You are currently on a great path! Sometimes people can't hear the words we say but they "hear" our actions clearly. Take care of you. Keep yourself healthy and focused in a positive direction as you are doing......and they may see your light and follow.
I'm glad you're here.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
I agree wholeheartedly with Kindeyes. You are in a great position to "be the change" within your family. By watching your example of healthy choices and boundaries your siblings may find the courage to test their own. If nothing else YOU will have more serenity in your own life. Kudos to you on your sobriety...and as the others said...You are not alone!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Indeed, dysfunction runs rampant in many homes where addiction dwells.
The thing is, you are doing a wonderful thing by taking good care of yourself and going to Al-anon meetings will help you as well as your AA meetings.
We have many "double winners" here who go to AA and Al-anon both, so you are most definitely among friends who understand here and I am happy you found us and are walking with us on this journey of recovery.
Hugs
The thing is, you are doing a wonderful thing by taking good care of yourself and going to Al-anon meetings will help you as well as your AA meetings.
We have many "double winners" here who go to AA and Al-anon both, so you are most definitely among friends who understand here and I am happy you found us and are walking with us on this journey of recovery.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: East Coast
Posts: 427
Congratulations Brooksie on your sobriety! I come from functioning alcoholic parents, and what I wouldn't give to have them made the decision to become sober. I always get really happy when someone decides they don't want to live like that anymore. It's really hard when it's your parent, and you think about the finances etc. Stay strong and keep getting to those meetings!
. There is lots of support here.
Perpetual Optimist
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: LA
Posts: 1,371
Went to an Al-anon meeting Sunday, and cried quite a bit throughout the day- but it was GOOD crying, the truly cathartic kind. Although I didn't feel like it, I also met my sponsor at a Marijuana Anonymous meeting. I fought the urge to isolate and both meetings were amazing and provided the support that I needed. I feel 500% better today. I am so thankful for your responses, the support I receive from my sponsor and at meetings, for SOBRIETY, and for my higher power! I am truly blessed! 
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
You sound like you are getting a lot of support from multiple people which is great. Keep focusing on yourself and your sobriety. The hardest part for some of us is realizing we cannot fix anyone except ourselves. I am sorry you have so much going on but so happy for you that you are sober and continuing to work on YOU.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Hi, Brooksie. My mom is going downhill fast with her alcoholism and if I am honest with myself my dad isn't too far behind. I never had my fantasy mom, you know, nurturing, strong, secure, wise, stable. Instead I got the spoiled, selfish, childish, narcissistic, alcoholic variety. For years I fantasized that she would morph into what I wanted her to be. My new fantasy is this and it works for me: My mom loves me so much that she is willing to be an awful warning and example as to what alcohol does to a person so that I will stay strong in my sobriety, be a nurturing, strong, wise, stable mother to my children and live happily ever after. Try that one on for size. 
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 54
I like that DoubleDragons. Sounds like we have the same mom. I'm going to steal your motto and use it as my own.
I come from total dysfunction too, and all I can do is detach and show no emotion toward them. Saving myself and my own family all the heartache.
I come from total dysfunction too, and all I can do is detach and show no emotion toward them. Saving myself and my own family all the heartache.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
