Frustrated
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 6
Frustrated
Hi all, I am new to SR as of tonight. I have spent the last 5 years with an alcoholic and my life has been impacted in so many ways. I never thought my life would be here. I am in my late 20's, I have a master's degree in literacy, have been teaching 5th grade for 4 years, and even started coaching soccer this year. I have had the dream of getting married and having children since as long as I can remember. I have worked and worked to get to where I am and have realized that if I continue on in the direction I've been headed in, the life I've wanted and have worked to have will never be.
My life is gripped by my boyfriend's alcoholism. He is a very talented musician which has been the double edge sword of our relationship. He loves playing music and I appreciate his talent, but playing music means being in bars/restaurants 3-4 nights a week. When I first met my boyfriend he was sober, and now I know why. I never realized how bad it could get...and now I'm living a nightmare. These should be some of the best days of my life, and instead I'm living a life of pain, frustration, fear, anxiety, etc. all because of his choice to drink. I've left him twice before, the longest time being 3 months. But we have always gotten back together because in my heart I truly thought he could change. I kept telling myself he's gotten sober before, he can do it again. Well, it hasn't happened yet which is why I left tonight. I moved my things out of our home and into my parent's house and am struggling to make sense of the disaster that my life seems to be. I keep telling myself that this is for the best and that if I want a better life for myself, then this is how it has to be. Right now though, I'm having a hard time making sense of it all.
My life is gripped by my boyfriend's alcoholism. He is a very talented musician which has been the double edge sword of our relationship. He loves playing music and I appreciate his talent, but playing music means being in bars/restaurants 3-4 nights a week. When I first met my boyfriend he was sober, and now I know why. I never realized how bad it could get...and now I'm living a nightmare. These should be some of the best days of my life, and instead I'm living a life of pain, frustration, fear, anxiety, etc. all because of his choice to drink. I've left him twice before, the longest time being 3 months. But we have always gotten back together because in my heart I truly thought he could change. I kept telling myself he's gotten sober before, he can do it again. Well, it hasn't happened yet which is why I left tonight. I moved my things out of our home and into my parent's house and am struggling to make sense of the disaster that my life seems to be. I keep telling myself that this is for the best and that if I want a better life for myself, then this is how it has to be. Right now though, I'm having a hard time making sense of it all.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Hi, ADK. Welcome. I also found my way here when I was in the middle of a painful breakup with my exabf. I am sorry for your pain. I know how hellish it can feel and how it seems like you might never find your way through it. I'm glad you found your way here.
Read everything you can here, and don't be afraid to ask questions. If you haven't yet, read the stickies. Read people's stories. It even helped/still helps me to read the alcoholism forums. Educate yourself about alcoholism. Consider finding an Al-Anon meeting and start attending. That was scary for me the first time, but another important step in finding my way through. You'll find that connecting with others who have lived your story can help you stay grounded and maintain some sense of sanity when you feel like your world is crumbling.
Be good to yourself right now and remember that caring for yourself is not selfish. Hugs to you.
Read everything you can here, and don't be afraid to ask questions. If you haven't yet, read the stickies. Read people's stories. It even helped/still helps me to read the alcoholism forums. Educate yourself about alcoholism. Consider finding an Al-Anon meeting and start attending. That was scary for me the first time, but another important step in finding my way through. You'll find that connecting with others who have lived your story can help you stay grounded and maintain some sense of sanity when you feel like your world is crumbling.
Be good to yourself right now and remember that caring for yourself is not selfish. Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Your life is not a disaster. You're an educated woman with a great career. You are only in your 20's, so there is still so much out there for you to experience. You are out of the denial, you recognize the gravity of your ABF's situation, and have taken solid steps to reclaim your serenity. I do not see "disaster" at all. I see courage.
I hope you find an AlAnon meeting in your area, and try some meetings. You will gain continued clarity and strength from the shared experiences of people in those rooms.
I hope you find an AlAnon meeting in your area, and try some meetings. You will gain continued clarity and strength from the shared experiences of people in those rooms.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
What you just did was put your foot down and said NO. This is not the life for me.
And you were absolutely right.
And it's going to hurt.
But in situations like yours, there is the short-term pain for the long-term gain.
Short-term could be months of tears, frustration, and pain that comes and goes, as there is with any break-up.
However, you can see the forest instead of just the trees.
There is a few months of pain, or there can be a lifetime of it.
I like your decision. Something inside you kicked in and said, NO, NO MORE.
And you were absolutely right.
And it's going to hurt.
But in situations like yours, there is the short-term pain for the long-term gain.
Short-term could be months of tears, frustration, and pain that comes and goes, as there is with any break-up.
However, you can see the forest instead of just the trees.
There is a few months of pain, or there can be a lifetime of it.
I like your decision. Something inside you kicked in and said, NO, NO MORE.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 108
My dear ADK, first of all you have come here and if you listen, you will gain the knowledge and strength you need to make the right decision for yourself. You say your life is a disaster. It can only be a disaster if you let it. You have everything you need to set your own path and that path does not have to include an alcoholic. IMO your boyfriend has not accepted the realization of his alcoholism. You have made the first step of releasing yourself from the grip of alcoholism. This is his. Let him own. Walk away with your head held high. There is a man out there who will love you more than you can imagine. He just hasn't found you yet. Good luck and stay strong.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
There are consequences to alcoholism and they are not only felt by the alcoholic but by their loved ones. Your life has been a disaster but it doesn't have to continue to be that way. Of course hard, sorrowful days are ahead of you but someday, you will be grateful you are feeling this hurt now than if you stay and live a lifetime of anger, disappointment and just plain sorrow for yourself because you did not break free.
On the flip side of the coin, the alcoholic needs to feel the consequences and not be shielded from them. They have to feel the FORCE of any consequence that comes their way due to their choices to drink. Him losing you is a consequence and it will either make him think, Am I at my bottom because I lost the girl of my dreams?! OR... Oh well... I'll keep drinking. Only time will answer that.
What you should know is this... he will always be an alcoholic and if he does sober up, he can go back to it. He will not start on a clean slate either. He will go back into it full fledge and pick up where he left off. My husband has been an alcoholic for at least 40 years with 20 years sober. He told his dr, in front of me, that when he decided to drink again, he did not ease into it. It came back like a vengeance and it pretty much crippled him. A week or two before he sobered up this last time, he looked at me and said, I do not think I can do it?! I asked him, Do what? He said, get sober. I asked why? He said, It has a hold on my soul. I believed him.
With alcoholism, You either drink or you don't. Just like with smoking, you either smoke or you don't. I am a smoker. My husband is an alcoholic. When I quit, I knew I could not have one puff. Just as he knows, he can not have one drink. He's been sober for nearly 5 weeks. It's a lifetime addiction. If they don't work it everyday, they could lose it.
I wish you strength and wisdom in these next few days, weeks and months to do what is right for you. You did not cause it, you can't control it and you will not cure it. This is his and his alone. You do not have to be imprisoned with HIS alcoholism. You deserve to be loved by someone who will not abuse substance. You deserve to have your future fulfilled with as many beautiful children as you had wished for all your life and they deserve a wonderful father who will provide for them and you not only financially but emotionally and spiritually so you all can grow with an amazing family bond. You will never get that with an active alcoholic.
On the flip side of the coin, the alcoholic needs to feel the consequences and not be shielded from them. They have to feel the FORCE of any consequence that comes their way due to their choices to drink. Him losing you is a consequence and it will either make him think, Am I at my bottom because I lost the girl of my dreams?! OR... Oh well... I'll keep drinking. Only time will answer that.
What you should know is this... he will always be an alcoholic and if he does sober up, he can go back to it. He will not start on a clean slate either. He will go back into it full fledge and pick up where he left off. My husband has been an alcoholic for at least 40 years with 20 years sober. He told his dr, in front of me, that when he decided to drink again, he did not ease into it. It came back like a vengeance and it pretty much crippled him. A week or two before he sobered up this last time, he looked at me and said, I do not think I can do it?! I asked him, Do what? He said, get sober. I asked why? He said, It has a hold on my soul. I believed him.
With alcoholism, You either drink or you don't. Just like with smoking, you either smoke or you don't. I am a smoker. My husband is an alcoholic. When I quit, I knew I could not have one puff. Just as he knows, he can not have one drink. He's been sober for nearly 5 weeks. It's a lifetime addiction. If they don't work it everyday, they could lose it.
I wish you strength and wisdom in these next few days, weeks and months to do what is right for you. You did not cause it, you can't control it and you will not cure it. This is his and his alone. You do not have to be imprisoned with HIS alcoholism. You deserve to be loved by someone who will not abuse substance. You deserve to have your future fulfilled with as many beautiful children as you had wished for all your life and they deserve a wonderful father who will provide for them and you not only financially but emotionally and spiritually so you all can grow with an amazing family bond. You will never get that with an active alcoholic.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 6
Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. I have woken up this morning with a renewed sense of strength. I am doing what is right for myself and my life and there is no shame in that. I'm so glad to have found a place to share my experience and talk with others who have gone through something similar. Short-term pain for long- term gain...so true!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Its less painful to work through and grieve the pain of a relationship ending then it is to live daily with the grief of an active alcoholic.
It take courage and strength to leave and you must continue to call on that strength to keep you from going back again to the same thing. You need to break that pattern and he needs to learn that his words of recovery are not going to bring you back again that you have witnessed his actions when it comes recovery.
History doesn't repeat itself people repeat history.
It take courage and strength to leave and you must continue to call on that strength to keep you from going back again to the same thing. You need to break that pattern and he needs to learn that his words of recovery are not going to bring you back again that you have witnessed his actions when it comes recovery.
History doesn't repeat itself people repeat history.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
You have worked and accomplished much ADK, be proud of your accomplishments.
You deserve a partner who is committed to the relationship.
You deserve a partner who adds joy to your life.
Addicts are not relationship material, you will never be the priority of his life, as long as he continues to drink.
As you stated, his work puts him in bars 3-4 nights a week. Personally, I see that as a roadblock. ( Yes, I know there are recovered musicians) but currently we are not even to that point.
Please know I understand your hurt, and how you are currently feeling. I can only say you won't always feel this way.
Allow yourself to feel every emotion you currently have. One day in the future this will all make sense.
For now, go and live the life you worked so very hard to attain.
You deserve a partner who is committed to the relationship.
You deserve a partner who adds joy to your life.
Addicts are not relationship material, you will never be the priority of his life, as long as he continues to drink.
As you stated, his work puts him in bars 3-4 nights a week. Personally, I see that as a roadblock. ( Yes, I know there are recovered musicians) but currently we are not even to that point.
Please know I understand your hurt, and how you are currently feeling. I can only say you won't always feel this way.
Allow yourself to feel every emotion you currently have. One day in the future this will all make sense.
For now, go and live the life you worked so very hard to attain.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I shouldn't be using the words "you need to" and I apologize for that. I should be using the word "I". I went back several times as well. Always knowing recovery was possible for him as I did witness it for myself. Always having faith he would get on the healthy path and put the addiction path behind him. I would witness him going to meeting, changing his thoughts and conversations to a healthier way of life. Problem was recovery didn't take center stage, he never fully put using in his rear view mirror. He held onto some friends who still used, he would still visit Dr's who were giving him the prescriptions....always dancing on those tracks.
The environment your exbf works in alone is a constant draw for him. Short of him putting that career/job on hold until he has a long history of recovery under his belt with new coping skills on how to be there without drinking, his chances of recovery are slim to none.
"I" had a hard time ACCEPTING he was who he was, I was always holding on to the person I met and fell in love with who was 4 years clean/sober and strong in his recovery. I kept waiting around hoping that that person would show up again, believing he could do it as he had in the past.
Me believing that and him wanting that were to very different thoughts.
You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. All those things you dream about can be possible once you meet the person who is capable of living it with you.
The environment your exbf works in alone is a constant draw for him. Short of him putting that career/job on hold until he has a long history of recovery under his belt with new coping skills on how to be there without drinking, his chances of recovery are slim to none.
"I" had a hard time ACCEPTING he was who he was, I was always holding on to the person I met and fell in love with who was 4 years clean/sober and strong in his recovery. I kept waiting around hoping that that person would show up again, believing he could do it as he had in the past.
Me believing that and him wanting that were to very different thoughts.
You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. All those things you dream about can be possible once you meet the person who is capable of living it with you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 6
Today I head back to work after the weekend. Time to put aside my personal struggles to be the best teacher I can be. This always seems to be one of the hardest parts. I know I have the strength within to get through this and to remain strong. Any thoughts on how to cope with something like this, and still get through the day?
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