izzyrose05

Four months and counting since the end of my relationship with my XABF. Last time I saw him he was on Day 1 of his last bender. They usually last about three weeks.

I'm writing today about the need for closure and being "stuck". I just finished commenting on another thread about closure and I have had major issues with this myself. Expecting closure from an active alcoholic that blames me for his disease is like expecting to win the lottery tomorrow. Chances are better of getting hit by lightening.

I was busy over the summer. Lost my Mom two months ago. Then started dating like a maniac. I think to stop my pain from two losses so close together. Ive learned that I do not trust a damn thing any man says to me so in the last two weeks, I have stopped dating. Futile at this point, but now I am back to facing the pain of my losses and also searching for that elusive "closure". Which I KNOW VERY WELL...I have to give to myself.

I do have more good days than bad ones now that I am four months out of this relationship. I also know that I kick myself over the fact that I think more about the ending of this damn relationship than I do about the recent loss of my mother. I am ashamed about this, but it's true..Dammit.

But here's a new thing. I found out this week, that he's on a bender again. His truck broke down which he needs for his business and How does he cope? Always...by drowning in vodka. I am HAPPY that he is on a bender again. His first since the ending of our relationship. He has had three sober months and I am so damn happy that the man has had a relapse. It proves that it was NEVER my fault and even though I KNOW it never was. It's still PROOF that his problem was there before me and now after me. AND I think maybe THIS PROOF is what I needed to get my "closure".

This "happiness" of course makes me feel horrible because it is a shameful thing to be happy about someone else's misfortune. I don't necessarily want to be feeling good for his failure as a human but it sure does rekindle my spirits. Am I the only one that feels this way?

Tomorrow is a new day. Need to wash off this nasty old dust from my heart once again.

Hammer

Just my limited understanding of the meaning of the word . . . but I think closure means something like close. Close the door. Close the window. Close the blinds. That sort of thing.

How come you know / don't know that he is on/off/up/down/round-and-round bender this or that?

Can't close the door or window while you are sticking your nose out them.

Sorry on your mom, and yeah . . . the guys out there have been a bit picked over.

Do your Alanon time, get your stuff together, and you sort of turn . . . into . . . ummm . . . better bait(?)

A Healthy Guy Is NOT going to be looking for a messed up woman. Is that an okay way to say that? Somebody help me out if there is a better way to say that.

dandylion

OK izzyrose05----I'll come clean, here. When I was dating and I felt that some guy had done me wrong---or simply didn't fully appreciate my wonderfulness---I did secretly wish "bad things" to befall him in the future. Nothing SUPER bad.

I wished for them: A premature receeding hairline; a protuberant stomach; and, early ED.
(before ED was glamorized in the little blue pill ads).

I confess I drew some comfort from these images.

My bad.

dandylion

**ED--erectile dysfunction---especially the early occuring kind.

Hammer

Thanks on the foot note.

I tend to think ED = Eating Disorder, but that is how things roll around here.

What with me and my secure confidence, and all.

Someone mentioned that an AA hall in East Texas was having an Eating Meeting, and I got all excited (no, not excited THAT way, thank you) that there were some Eating Disorder meetings -- I still wander into Mrs. Hammer's business from time-to-time -- but it turned out it was just a Potluck Dinner.

dandylion

That's funny, Hammer. For years, I thought that aka was short for American Kennel Association.

dandylion

izzyrose05

OK, well, I don't really have to stick my nose in his business. He lives in a place I have business at once a week. The people there knew we were together. Now they know we are not. People talk. I admit, I listen. I don't tell them to shut up. But I don't go out asking anyone anything. I do my best to make sure Im not around when he might be coming or going. And I have not had any contact.

And yes, no one wants an unhealthy woman. I'm not dating because I obviously need to heal first and despite my trust issues with men, I do consider myself a rather enlightened individual. Far from perfect, but at least I have self awareness. This is leaps and bounds above many of the individuals I have come across around these parts.

Who knew self awareness was such a rare quality and to me, a necessity as we grow. But that's just my opinion. Sad stuff.

These days I am dating Deepak Chopra. The man is a legend in his own time.

suki44883

I feel like closure is something you give yourself. It's not something anyone else can give you. YOU decide when you're past the need for anything else from that person.

I've found it best to just not know anything about what the person is doing or what is going on in their life. There is no benefit to knowing and it just keeps that person alive in your head...kind of like renting space in your head for free. It's really not worth it.