Struggling
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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Struggling
One of the main anger issues i'm struggling with is my AH parents to do NOTHING to help any of their children.
They let them live there, do drugs, sell drugs... all while allowing a 15 year old and 7 year old to live there. I really don't understand how this is okay to them as parents.
I would just like to believe, as a parent myself, I would do ANYTHING I could possibly do to get my kids into mental health treatment. I understand it's up to the addict, and it might now work.. but this is a total lack of the parents trying to get any help for their kids. The "kids" living with them are 35, 28 and 24. My husband is 30 (and hopefully not going back to live there)
I almost feel that the parents rather love them to death than give them up. It's almost like, they don't want the kids to get better. They rather them be there and live in this fantasy that the kids aren't suppose to move on.. or become independent.
His parents inability to do enforce any sort of tough love is a hard pill to swallow. I just know that he will be welcomed back there with open arms and it will be okay that he has nothing. It will be okay if he uses drugs or sells drugs. His parents actually think that i'm going to allow him to see the kids if he moves back there.
I do go there with the kids and let his parents watch my kids when i'm really in a bind. They do love there grandchildren. I'm just sucked into the dysfunction also. None of the drugs are out in the open but as they are getting older, I feel like they will realize it's not normal for grown adults to all live somewhere and not work. It's just insane.
They let them live there, do drugs, sell drugs... all while allowing a 15 year old and 7 year old to live there. I really don't understand how this is okay to them as parents.
I would just like to believe, as a parent myself, I would do ANYTHING I could possibly do to get my kids into mental health treatment. I understand it's up to the addict, and it might now work.. but this is a total lack of the parents trying to get any help for their kids. The "kids" living with them are 35, 28 and 24. My husband is 30 (and hopefully not going back to live there)
I almost feel that the parents rather love them to death than give them up. It's almost like, they don't want the kids to get better. They rather them be there and live in this fantasy that the kids aren't suppose to move on.. or become independent.
His parents inability to do enforce any sort of tough love is a hard pill to swallow. I just know that he will be welcomed back there with open arms and it will be okay that he has nothing. It will be okay if he uses drugs or sells drugs. His parents actually think that i'm going to allow him to see the kids if he moves back there.
I do go there with the kids and let his parents watch my kids when i'm really in a bind. They do love there grandchildren. I'm just sucked into the dysfunction also. None of the drugs are out in the open but as they are getting older, I feel like they will realize it's not normal for grown adults to all live somewhere and not work. It's just insane.
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His parents aren't under the influence of drugs. His father had a prescription for oxi and stopped taking it about a year ago.
So, when the kids are in there care, they are taken care of. They are not unsupervised however I do feel uneasy about letting the kids hang out there while so many grown adults who are living in the house are under the influence.
Their oldest daughter has been an active user for over 10 years and lives there with her addicted BF and her two kids. Nothing has been done to seek helping her in fear that she will leave with the kids.
Her parents worry that they won't get proper care if she leaves. They are unwilling to file for custody or show any sort of tough love.
I have to say it's Denial to protect the mother/grandmother. She really needs help but it isn't up to me to get her that help.
She stopped going to counseling because she didn't like what the counselor said to her and they do not have a vehicle. It's always excuse after excuse. Like my AH says.. you can't fix stupid.
So, when the kids are in there care, they are taken care of. They are not unsupervised however I do feel uneasy about letting the kids hang out there while so many grown adults who are living in the house are under the influence.
Their oldest daughter has been an active user for over 10 years and lives there with her addicted BF and her two kids. Nothing has been done to seek helping her in fear that she will leave with the kids.
Her parents worry that they won't get proper care if she leaves. They are unwilling to file for custody or show any sort of tough love.
I have to say it's Denial to protect the mother/grandmother. She really needs help but it isn't up to me to get her that help.
She stopped going to counseling because she didn't like what the counselor said to her and they do not have a vehicle. It's always excuse after excuse. Like my AH says.. you can't fix stupid.
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I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this....it is a perfect illustration of the theory that addiction is a family disease. It can become extremely dysfunctional.
I don't want to come across as defending the parents (because it sounds like there is definitely serious dysfunction there) but it is very hard to ask your adult children to leave knowing that they will be on the streets. Add young children to the mix and it becomes a nightmare.
The problems are complex. The solutions are complex.
Man.....I hate what addiction does to people, to families, to children......it is a very pervasive disease.
Take care of you.
ke
I don't want to come across as defending the parents (because it sounds like there is definitely serious dysfunction there) but it is very hard to ask your adult children to leave knowing that they will be on the streets. Add young children to the mix and it becomes a nightmare.
The problems are complex. The solutions are complex.
Man.....I hate what addiction does to people, to families, to children......it is a very pervasive disease.
Take care of you.
ke
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Calif
Posts: 757
it is good that the parents love there grandchildren which most understand. but i would be concerned that you kids might get influenced that it is acceptable to stay at home as an adult an not be productive and provide for your self.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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Oh my goodness, I have had the same issue. My AH went back to his family when I kicked him out, and they all use. The one brother swears that his mom is clean, and mind you they are 36, 40 and 42 or so I think. Their mom has been a mess most of their lives, didn't take care of the house etc., and the bad part it, that I felt bad for my AH because of it. But now I realize that he belongs with them and it must be too h in him to be any different. I got a lawyer and filed for divorce, but I am SO disappointed because he acted for a while like he wanted to make more of himself...but things didn't stay that way. Oh it enraged me for YEARS, and I wouldn't have children with my AH (thankfully in my case now) because I would never ever let my child be around his family. EVER. Isn't it sad that some parents don't get help and in turn the children are high risk themselves. I know exactly how you feel.
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Overit- sorry your going through this. I'm glad to have some support through all of this.
Thing is - I keep hearing and sometimes seeing how good all of them are. As If I should split the personalities to make up for the bad.
They all are good people with a bad demon on their shoulder.
I'm trying to make my kids see how life should be.
Hopefully by reaching out now I can stop it.
I am also an ex-addict.
I hope and pray they never go through addiction. It's my job to protect them I always have. Their father is a gentle good person with good intentions who has done bad things.
I am trying to get over my anger. Not easy.
Maybe because I pulled through I know he can.
It's just not so easy. We all have complex issues. I hope we can find peace one day
Thing is - I keep hearing and sometimes seeing how good all of them are. As If I should split the personalities to make up for the bad.
They all are good people with a bad demon on their shoulder.
I'm trying to make my kids see how life should be.
Hopefully by reaching out now I can stop it.
I am also an ex-addict.
I hope and pray they never go through addiction. It's my job to protect them I always have. Their father is a gentle good person with good intentions who has done bad things.
I am trying to get over my anger. Not easy.
Maybe because I pulled through I know he can.
It's just not so easy. We all have complex issues. I hope we can find peace one day
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