On MY pity potty
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On MY pity potty
I am very much still recovering from yesterday's surgery and I am very definitely having a pity potty moment.
AH went into his office at 11am, I didn't so much get a text message until 5:30. Then it was just, "how ya feelin'". I replied, tried to sound upbeat, he dropped off the radar.
I finally called him around 9:25 just to see where he was... He sounded a little annoyed, said he was almost home.
He finally got home from work at 9:30pm. Said he had an awesome day, felt great at work, lots of good business deals came his way, ended the day on a high note, etc. it was all HIM, HIM, HIM. OH ... And as he was walking in a good buddy of his gets great sports tickets and called him tonight and gave us two outstanding tickets to our local football team on Sunday. He laughed and said, MAN, have I had a good day!
I had people here cleaning all day, our house is immaculate. He barely said anything.
DD is at a sleepover, he didn't even notice she was gone. DS was on the lower level in the game room, AH didn't even say hi to him.
One of his favorite foods was in the fridge waiting for him. I mentioned it, he said nah... He had gotten some stupid buffalo chicken stick at QT on his way home, he wasn't hungry. I told him what was being made, he loves it, he KNEW.
Dd's bathroom got a cute mini makeover (thanks to my mom). He just laughed and said, "thank God MY money didn't pay for that!"
My husband is stone cold sober tonight. (Don't know when I'll call him a RAH) Not a drop of vodka in him, but he was asleep on the sofa in the den within 30 minutes of getting home! I got a chicken peck kiss, a good hug, and a half-ass, "why don't ya come watch tv with me hon?" By the time I got there he was almost asleep.
I'm still in pain and want a little attention... So I'm going to whine about it...
(Yes, I know I'm whining, just needed to vent)
AH went into his office at 11am, I didn't so much get a text message until 5:30. Then it was just, "how ya feelin'". I replied, tried to sound upbeat, he dropped off the radar.
I finally called him around 9:25 just to see where he was... He sounded a little annoyed, said he was almost home.
He finally got home from work at 9:30pm. Said he had an awesome day, felt great at work, lots of good business deals came his way, ended the day on a high note, etc. it was all HIM, HIM, HIM. OH ... And as he was walking in a good buddy of his gets great sports tickets and called him tonight and gave us two outstanding tickets to our local football team on Sunday. He laughed and said, MAN, have I had a good day!
I had people here cleaning all day, our house is immaculate. He barely said anything.
DD is at a sleepover, he didn't even notice she was gone. DS was on the lower level in the game room, AH didn't even say hi to him.
One of his favorite foods was in the fridge waiting for him. I mentioned it, he said nah... He had gotten some stupid buffalo chicken stick at QT on his way home, he wasn't hungry. I told him what was being made, he loves it, he KNEW.
Dd's bathroom got a cute mini makeover (thanks to my mom). He just laughed and said, "thank God MY money didn't pay for that!"
My husband is stone cold sober tonight. (Don't know when I'll call him a RAH) Not a drop of vodka in him, but he was asleep on the sofa in the den within 30 minutes of getting home! I got a chicken peck kiss, a good hug, and a half-ass, "why don't ya come watch tv with me hon?" By the time I got there he was almost asleep.
I'm still in pain and want a little attention... So I'm going to whine about it...
(Yes, I know I'm whining, just needed to vent)
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
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Hello there AllThings, vent and whine all you want 
You've earned it.
I have my share of health problems, I know what it's like to feel discarded and overlooked by the one person I depend on to love me and care for me. It's awful.
Keep posting as much as you want. Let us SR-noids give you a little kindness and compassion while you heal.
Mike
You've earned it.I have my share of health problems, I know what it's like to feel discarded and overlooked by the one person I depend on to love me and care for me. It's awful.
Keep posting as much as you want. Let us SR-noids give you a little kindness and compassion while you heal.
Mike
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Try reverse psychology. Try thanking him for working so hard and providing. Maybe he has low self esteem, thus why he talks so much about himself and his day to make himself feel better. My husband is similar. Thinks you have the easy life because you sat home all day and recovered while he busted his ass at work. My husband seems real confident on the outside, and it wasn't until many days like that that I would bring up during arguments and he would say that I never show my appreciation for all he did.
Clean house, kids handled, I work full time at his company, laundry put away. I thought that was an unsaid thank you for always providing. But after many arguments about the same thing, that's what it boiled down to. He wanted me to be proud of him and say it.
Clean house, kids handled, I work full time at his company, laundry put away. I thought that was an unsaid thank you for always providing. But after many arguments about the same thing, that's what it boiled down to. He wanted me to be proud of him and say it.
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Originally Posted by JN18 
Try reverse psychology. Try thanking him for working so hard and providing. Maybe he has low self esteem, thus why he talks so much about himself and his day to make himself feel better. My husband is similar. Thinks you have the easy life because you sat home all day and recovered while he busted his ass at work. My husband seems real confident on the outside, and it wasn't until many days like that that I would bring up during arguments and he would say that I never show my appreciation for all he did.
Clean house, kids handled, I work full time at his company, laundry put away. I thought that was an unsaid thank you for always providing. But after many arguments about the same thing, that's what it boiled down to. He wanted me to be proud of him and say it.
Clean house, kids handled, I work full time at his company, laundry put away. I thought that was an unsaid thank you for always providing. But after many arguments about the same thing, that's what it boiled down to. He wanted me to be proud of him and say it.
But the last few years he has lost so much respect, from family members, church members, kids... And me.... I forget how low his self-esteem is sometimes, thank you for the reminder.
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Originally Posted by JN18
Try reverse psychology. Try thanking him for working so hard and providing. Maybe he has low self esteem, thus why he talks so much about himself and his day to make himself feel better. My husband is similar. Thinks you have the easy life because you sat home all day and recovered while he busted his ass at work. My husband seems real confident on the outside, and it wasn't until many days like that that I would bring up during arguments and he would say that I never show my appreciation for all he did.
Clean house, kids handled, I work full time at his company, laundry put away. I thought that was an unsaid thank you for always providing. But after many arguments about the same thing, that's what it boiled down to. He wanted me to be proud of him and say it.
Clean house, kids handled, I work full time at his company, laundry put away. I thought that was an unsaid thank you for always providing. But after many arguments about the same thing, that's what it boiled down to. He wanted me to be proud of him and say it.
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Originally Posted by jaynie04
I am in recovery. When I was drinking I didn't have low self esteem, I had low awareness of others around me and what they needed and deserved. Trying to apply textbook psychology to someone who is not in recovery is a waste of energy. It encourages and enables, two things which feed the addictive nature of our disease. If there are no consequences to the fact that we aren't engaged or don't hold up our end of the bargain it hurts everyone.
Men are just as complicated as they think us women are. (Ok I may be stretching
) they need to hear they look good or did something good just as much as us, sometimes even more. I needed this reminder a long time ago Member
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JN...I saw your post on another thread, welcome, I am glad you are here. There is a lot of wisdom and sharing our hope, strength and experience helps us all. I don't want to hijack this thread, but just a few words.
You are right people in recovery are sober, but not everyone who is sober is in recovery. A lot of what friends and family share here is the experience of living with addicts/alcoholics, you will begin to see that regardless of our differences there are a lot of similarities.
I absolutely agree with you that everyone needs encouragement. Unfortunately when you are involved with a loved one who is not getting help (and that doesn't always mean just not using) it becomes more complicated. I would encourage you to check out the stickies that are posted at the top of the forum thread. It is often said that addiction is a family disease, it not only affects the user but loved ones as well. It can be a lonely road and folks here have been in your shoes, you are among friends.
You are right people in recovery are sober, but not everyone who is sober is in recovery. A lot of what friends and family share here is the experience of living with addicts/alcoholics, you will begin to see that regardless of our differences there are a lot of similarities.
I absolutely agree with you that everyone needs encouragement. Unfortunately when you are involved with a loved one who is not getting help (and that doesn't always mean just not using) it becomes more complicated. I would encourage you to check out the stickies that are posted at the top of the forum thread. It is often said that addiction is a family disease, it not only affects the user but loved ones as well. It can be a lonely road and folks here have been in your shoes, you are among friends.
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Originally Posted by jaynie04
You are right people in recovery are sober, but not everyone who is sober is in recovery.
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Originally Posted by AllThings
You are absolutely right. He has very low self esteem, even though he is seriously one of the best looking men I have ever met, is so charming he has girls literally fall all over him (that are half his age), and has been extraordinarily successful, even given his 25 years as an alcoholic. I work because I have a passion for Christ, not because I "have to" - he has so much to be proud of, from the outside looking in no one would EVER guess the problems that live in our household.
But the last few years he has lost so much respect, from family members, church members, kids... And me.... I forget how low his self-esteem is sometimes, thank you for the reminder.
But the last few years he has lost so much respect, from family members, church members, kids... And me.... I forget how low his self-esteem is sometimes, thank you for the reminder.
When we are in a relationship with an A who professes Christ and are part of a Christian community along with our own devotion to Christ and selflessness it can really muddy the waters and the A often manipulates the situation.
The highest ideal for a husband who is a follower of Christ is that he is diligent in being discipled by a mature believer to become a reflection of Jesus who loved the world (and church) so much that He gave Himself up for her. A husband is supposed to be so loving, giving, unselfish to his wife and family that he would give up his own life for her as Christ did.
We all fall short of the perfection of Christ but the fact is today's cultural Christianity and popular Church teachings that are focused on self improvement principles more than what Jesus really said are not helpful with selfish, low self esteem mates.
I spent 4 years in Celebrate Recovery and AA (based on Christian principles) with my own XA and your marriage has its best hope in finding a great Christian counselor who understands addiction. I have the name of the most amazing retired pastor who is also a psychologist whose son once battled addiction.
His focus is now restoring marriages through counseling through the Word...however, he knows the reality of addictive personalities, the manipulation they employ and how psychology plays an important role in restoring relationships and growing in Christ.
If you want his phone number to explore counseling by phone you can pm me... he really, really helped me find BALANCE in my own relationship with God.
The day he told me that I had a "Messiah Complex" and God really didn't need my help fixing my "A" was liberating. I released my A to God over two years ago and it would be a book if I told you how God showed me He had it in his hands all along with clear God Shots in my XA's life! My XA is walking with God right now and sober after a 6 month binge but he could pick up tomorrow! He has free will... and your husband can stay a selfish asshat and warm pews for the rest of life while quoting scripture! Being dry does not equal true recovery and attending church does not a true believer make either!
True recovery is an action based lifestyle that has clear results and true Christianity bears fruit... and the most Christlike fruit is lovingkindness and selflessness and a man who loves His wife more than life itself and would give up his own life for her!
Your husband has not even gotten on the path towards that goal much less arrived!
I hear you... been there, done that, got the t-shirt and am still praying for my XA...but I don't drink the koolaid even if it served in Church!
A great book to read is Redemptive Divorce.... good stuff.
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Originally Posted by AllThings
I think this is part I'm struggling with, even though my AH has been dry for 38 days, I'm not convinced that he is SOBER, as in really in recovery. ....
Mike
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Originally Posted by DesertEyes
There are _three_ different conditions that a person with an addiction can be in. "Drunk" and "Recovery" are just two of the conditions. The third condition is "un-drunk", as in not drinking at the moment, but not being in recovery either.
Mike
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I so relate to this. I have a chronic health condition and have spent years hoping for attention love and support from other people. Especially a partner. Have been through a thing recently where I started to actually tell people who sick I actually am physically instead of acting up beat and like I should be able to cope. Oddly enough the result of this has been attention, love and support.
I think because I come from dysfunction I tend to try and get my needs met in a manipulative fashion rather than be open about how I feel and am doing.
The whole experience has been quite cool. I hope this is a permanent change in me as well.
Hang in there. : )
I think because I come from dysfunction I tend to try and get my needs met in a manipulative fashion rather than be open about how I feel and am doing.
The whole experience has been quite cool. I hope this is a permanent change in me as well.
Hang in there. : )
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