changeschoices

I posted this in the Alcoholism forum too. I'm a mess.

After three and a half years of going in an out of AA and our relationship, my BF left me again a few months ago. He'd been sober 8 months and his leaving was out of the blue because things seemed great. Except, he'd been having family stress and was acting weird, but I thought it was because of his upcoming minor surgery. I was worried about his recovery because he was only going to AA about twice a month and he wouldn't work with a sponsor.

On the phone he broke up with me because he said I didn't love or support him enough and then added, "And I've been drinking again." I was really surprised and said, "When did that happen?" He said, "Well, I'm drinking right now. I had to get drunk in order to break up with you."

For a few months now since the breakup, I have been feeling terrible because of him saying that. Blaming myself for his relapse, even though I was really happy in the relationship and thought he was, too.

Last week, it hit me like a train: he'd been acting weird the last couple weeks of our relationship. He complained about how he hated his job (it was a pretty good job and given his DUI convictions and criminal record he was lucky to get it), how he had no time because of our relationship to pursue an interest he has had but never pursued for decades that he feels will make him rich and famous. That he hated where we live, it isn't exciting enough. That our relationship took up too much of his time and he wanted more time to be alone at his place. He was snapping at me and was really touchy. During a few of our phone calls in the last couple weeks before the end, it sounded like he was drinking something out of a glass and then putting it down on the table. Except he doesn't own any glasses, only plastic cups.

A week before the break up, he came over and I smelled what I thought was alcohol on his breath. When I asked him if he drank the night before, he yelled "No!" And then, the last time I saw him, he had big scratches across his shoulder. He's not the cheating type and the only time I ever saw him with scratches or bruises is when he was actively drinking and being thrown out of bars, falling down, etc. When I asked him how he got such big scratches, he got angry at me.

I've been beating myself up over causing his relapse, but...now I'm thinking he relapsed weeks before he left me and I just didn't know it. Thoughts? Opinions? Lies to make me feel better?

Tuffgirl

Here's a great lie to make you feel better. When you get him and his behavior all figured out in your head, you will instantly feel better.

Truth: you will have wasted an inordinate amount of time on something that doesn't matter anyway.

Let him go. Really. Go completely no contact, and find some gratitude that he let you off the roller coaster ride early. Because he did you a favor. He showed you what kind of guy he was, too. One who is irresponsible, whiny, and addicted to a substance. Does this sound like good boyfriend material to you?

I know it hurts. But it won't hurt forever. But for it to stop hurting, you need to let go of the obsessing about him and focus on your great life you get to have, free from alcoholism.

Peace,
~T

changeschoices

Thanks, Tuff. I think I'm obsessing about me more than him. Like, what the heck did I do to cause him to relapse?

We don't have any contact anymore. We tried to be friendly over email but it just made it worse for me. I didn't respond to his last email a couple weeks ago and then early this week he texted me, concerned if I was okay because I hadn't emailed him back. I just told him I'd been sick (the truth) and that was it.

I guess the reason I've been beating myself up is that after the breakup, he told me he'd relapsed that one time, the weekend he broke up with me, and then immediately got back on the wagon and was "living clean and sober". Which just made me feel worse. Like it confirmed that somehow I did something to make him relapse, and without me in his life he was happily back on track.

Ugh, I know it's just messing with my mind. After his relapse upon relapse, it amazes me that I still feel guilty and take the blame.

I feel great empathy for people struggling with addiction, but this has just really taken me down. My life is crap compared to what it was four years ago before we met. The reality of that horrifies me and I can't believe the hole I have to climb out of now. My life is in shambles. It makes me so sad that addiction demolishes so many lives, not just that of the addict.

Hopeworks

Honey, you simply are not that powerful! You can't make him drink and you can't make him stop and you are not his HP!

How I wish we codies COULD stop them! Oh my... what a happy, happy place this would be! We would all have shiny prince charming's sober as judges just because we are so very, very special and can change other people (especially highly dysfunctional troubled souls).

Truth is ... he drinks because he WANTS TO DRINK! Period. If he wanted to stop he would do what it takes to stop (get a sponsor, get serious about recovery...etc, etc, etc).

You are curbed because you WANT him to quit drinking and he obviously... repeat obviously has no interest in that idea!

He is NOT... NOT relationship material.

Now...5 years ago no one could convince me that my XA was not relationship material and I was completely convinced that God had chosen me in some divine plan to be the ONE person who could be the catalyst to change my remarkable, wonderful, sweet XA into the WONDERFUL person I just knew he was!!!!!

However, he was a very clever, manipulative drunk and I spent 4 years on my divine mission only to watch as he relapsed time after time after time! He just dried up and is Mr. Sweetness and LIght after 6 months drinking and gambling in Vegas!

He says this time it is "different"... now I just snort and laugh. Time will tell... I hope it is but I ain't Pollyanna anymore and I am not God.

And honey... you aren't either. His recovery or NOT is up to him and his HP...so hang up your wand and pixie dust and find an alanon meeting pronto! It is good stuff and a great counselor is worth their weight in gold or vodka....whatever you want to picture!

Thank your stars if he is NC... it is hard to shake an alcoholic! He will turn up like a bad penny you just watch and see!

Tuffgirl

If I said this to you, what would you say back to me? Say this out loud. Hear yourself, really pay attention to your words and then come back and tell me this thinking is rational and reasonable.

Hon, YOU are messing with YOUR OWN mind here. And this is where you have complete control. Stop this. It's wrong, its dysfunctional, and its not reality.

Like Hopeworks says...,you are not powerful enough to make someone relapse. Of course he blames you. Then he doesn't have to take a good hard look at himself in the mirror. This is classic denial.

Again, you have the power here to fix this. You don't have the power to fix HIM, but you do have the power to fix yourself and your crappy life. Go live! Find things to do that you love and love the heck out of them. Redecorate, buy new clothes, get a new hairstyle. Burn his stuff that you still have. Take a class in Italian cooking. Sleep diagonally in your bed. Whatever it takes - own your life and the course you are on. If you don't like where you are headed - change direction!!

The only one who can pull you out of this funk is you.

Trust me - your life is waiting....

P.S.
Nope - not mine. Because that is my choice, and no way some guy is going to come along and demolish me. Pppffftt...never.

atalose

How would you feel if your exbf backed HIS car right into your car causing allot of damage and then blamed you for parking it there?

He's looking to dump HIS lack of coping skills on you. It's HIS way to remain the same, drinking when he wants and assigning that liability on someone else.

Accepting his blame keeps you attached to him. Gives you a false sense of responsibility and needing to fix something becauses you feel bad about it.

It wouldn't appear he was ever truly serious about recovery, he certainly wasn't moving heaven and earth to work any kind of a real recovery. Be thankful its over and try and cut those emotional strings your weaving to remain hooked to him YOU are not the cause aF HIS drinking.

Lyssy

You didn't do ANYTHING to cause his relapse or his drinking.

He had a choice - sobriety or alcohol. He choose alcohol.
He had a choice - the relationship or alcohol. He choose alcohol.
He had a choice - you or alcohol. He choose alcohol.

Wish I had seen these facts 18 years ago.

The truth doesn't make it any less hurtful or make the pain and sadness disappear though. I am sorry you are going through this.

HealingWillCome

I have been where you are. You have to quit beating yourself up. Breakups with alcoholics are hell, I know. Especially when the choice is not yours. The feelings of abandonment can be overwhelming. But please remember that the foundation you had built with an alcoholic has crumbled and collapsed because it was never much of a foundation to begin with. It can't be when one or both people are not healthy to begin with. I know it doesn't make it any less painful. I get that part and it sucks. It was hellish for me.

The absolute best way to start healing your pain is to stop blaming yourself for his drinking and to start focusing on your own health--mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual. Let him worry about his own stuff and you focus on yours. When I started to do that, things very slowly got better. It was no magic pill, for sure. Lots of baby steps forward and some backwards, but I got there (so many of us have) and you can too. Please be good to yourself.

JenT1968

Ok - so if he did have to get drunk inorder to have a difficult conversation with you - how is that your fault? There are difficult conversations and situations in life (decisions about health, children struggling at school, tax problems)- if he can only deal with those bygetting drunk would that be the hospital/teacher/accountants fault? No. It's his coping strategy he gets to own it. So it doesn't really matter if he was drinking before/since or just on that occasion - you are not responsible for his behaviour, drinking or otherwise. So stop wondering about it because it makes no difference.

Instead, you might want to wonder about whether you really were happy with him:acting weird, complaining constantly about his job, breaking up with you before, in and out of aa, hating where you live, complaining that you were taking up too much of his time, and that your life now is much worse than before you met him. Were you happy with this? Is this a good relationship? And did him breaking up with you really come out of the blue? Or were all those worries your subconscious trying to tell you something?