kde1979

I am the wife of a recovering addict. My husband is very loving and is a good man. He's been addicted 2 narcotics for 8 years. He is been working the 12 steps recently. A week ago, he came across a question on his twelve steps, where he knew he had to tell me the truth about something but it would really hurt me. He buckled down and finally told me that 6 years ago he was obsessive over another woman. He gave her our money, he tried really hard for 3 months to sleep with her but she would not do it because he was a married man with children. He told me that he never touched her, they never kissed, they never touched. That they only talked about what ifs. I was extremely devastated. Just knowing how close it came devastated me. I've tried to wrap my head around why and how this could happen. the only explanation he had was that he was just sick and not in his right mind.He said that he truly believes that if he hadnt of been on drugs at the time, he would have never of done it. I've been living in pain all week and he's been trying his best to help me get through it, to comfort me but the pain just will not go away. Ive been going through so many emotions and steps of grief. The heartache has been unbearable. How am I going to get through all this pain? I feel like I'm dying inside.

least

Actually when making amends it specifically says "if it will not cause harm to others" so your husband must have really wanted you to know this. I realize it's hard knowing such a thing but try to remember it's you he wants. Is counseling a possibility for the two of you? Might help to talk it out with a professional.

Anna

I agree with Least, that making amends should not be harmful to other people. It seems your husband wanted to unburden himself, so you and he will have to figure out where to go from here.

kde1979

he told me so he can make amends to me. His intent to tell me was to be truthful as he supposed to be and didn't want us to have any secrets between us because I have always given him that same courtesy of not putting secrets between us either. As far as the "if it will not cause harm to others". it pains me very much to have her the truth but it was something that I needed to know it's just a matter of trying to cope with it and deal with it and put it behind me.we don't have family group around my area for things like this so I can't really speak to another woman who is gone through this which makes it very difficult for me to deal with because I think that is something I could use right now. Another wife to relate to.

sugarbear1

"Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others"

roomsforall

Kde, I am not a 12-stepper, so I can only give my perspective as a human being. It seems to me that this was for his benefit, not yours. What could telling you this 6 years later possibly accomplish?

Have you posted this question to the Friends and Family board?

I'm sorry that you're going through this situation. Maybe do something nice for yourself, something relaxing?

lala34mc

As someone who behaved awfully to my ex-husband because I was insane with booze, I understand his desire to free your relationship of that burden. Whether or not it was the right choice is moot at this point. You have to push off from here.

I know a lot of spouses, significant others and family members find incredible solace in Alanon. This kind of devastation needs the support of others, not just you and your husband. So a therapist, Alanon, or some other support group.

I'm really sorry for your pain. I can attest to the insanity of addiction, and I'm sure he's honest when he says it wouldn't have happened otherwise. But it did. You both need to heal. Prayers to you!

wakko

I would recommend he gets a sponsor who understands the steps because this never should have happened

kde1979

He does have a sponser and he did tell him that he got ahead of his self. But I'm glad I know now rather then later. That's just me. I'd rather start to heal now rather then later. Thanks all.