Aiko

Hi all I am a bit Overwhelmed...

I feel I am in stuck in middle
I have tried to quit by myself for over 1.5
and I do not sink it in.
I just can not get in my head I have to stop fully...

I would like to drink when I go out......
but at the end I lose control and get so drunk
and end up doing it daily, any change I get to drink...

I pick here and there... last year half numb with tables I had to give it up in Sept/13 nearly lost my head with Lorazepans and Valium...

I drink alcohol free beer now.... but sometimes I just lose it... (2 weeks ago)
I quit smoking so now I go back to smoking pot.
when I am not taking one thing I am taking another...
It never ends... When was a teenager would take anything and mix and mix.
Really thought it was the best thing I could do with my life,
and the only way to be Happy... Now I know there is another life out there.

I just Love not to feel I really do,
have fun drinking out....
I am not the same without a drink,
I barely go out just because I know all will drink and I will look...
And I keep fighting all night looking at cocktails menus
and sometimes I just can not hold it any more...

And have been really really bad with the depression and anxiety,
but I got better with medication...
Before was impossible
my head just would not STOP TAKE SOME THING,,,, TAKE IT,,,TAKE IT...
Now I can control it better, Thank God It went quiet...

Why do I have this need to ruin it...? I am 95 % time clean now.
I am better in the head but still want to do it...
I will do it I will regret it and start again...

I got Alzaloprams in handbag everyday, I know they are there and sometimes I think to take them...
Before I could not even go to a chemist, I would shake cos I wanted to buy them...

But now I just want to smoke pot...
I am starting moving in that direction now...
and tomorrow I will have someone next to me in the car with staff on...
I just now I will do it again...
It is in my head I am going to do it... two nights ago I was asking after it.
Yesterday was phoning asking... and know tomorrow I can have any...

I REALLY DO NOT GET IT IN THE HEAD.
I am starting to think I should give up giving up!!!
as I do not accept it...

I am f*d up I really am!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hypochondriac

I am sorry you are struggling Aiko. Have you tried getting any support to quit before? Any meetings or counselling?

One thing I found was that I didn't have to accept it not to do it. I really struggled to give up drinking for a long time, and when I finally did I still had all these doubts thinking I should be able to drink socially... But I just ignored those thoughts and stayed sober. Something which really helped me do this was a method called AVRT. Well worth googling if you haven't heard of it x

Dee74

is rehab an option for you Aiko?

D

soberhawk

I am sorry you are struggling so hard aiko.

Do not give up.

Sometimes we just need help – we can not always do it our selves.

I only have experience with alcohol I have no experience with medicine or pot. I hope someone will give you good advice – I do not have any.

Aiko

I just can not get it...

Maybe if I really f++ck it up... I will absorb that I have to stop.,,,

I have to call it a day...

It would be my liberation...
too many years wishing to be drunk and high too many.

I am on my own, just found this site and at least I know people hears me and understand addictions.

And tomorrow... ufff I think I will do it and cry after...
but will have to pretend I am great as usual to the public.

Dee,
I can not even go on Holidays let alone Rehab,
plus nobody knows,
and the worse,
I still think I am not that bad...as I always bounce of the floor

I got friends....
they really are fu**d up, and I tell them to change and quit.
they all say I am the smarter and I can do it as I am stronger,...

They are to stone to see that It is hard to be sober and how much effort I put in...

I do not understand:
if I Know it is conditioning my life in a bad way,
Why do I do it? Am I that thick???

I just spoke to someone in the chat that lost nearly all.
My head thinks as I have not lost anything as I half control it not to reach that point,
Just do not want to stop...
as that short moment I feel so Calmed I feel so good...

I HAVE NOT LEARN MY LESSON,
but why do I have to fall really low to understand it.

When will THE CLICK in my head switch????
Please god help me accept it...

Dee74

The trouble with that is - noone knows how long that might take, and noone knows if you'll be able to come back from that, I nearly died from waiting for events to force me into action.

I think you need to accept the need for change Aiko - grand sweeping change in your life.

until you do that, nothing will change for you, except maybe that things will get worse.

D

least

What about some sort of counseling? Can you do that? It might help to be able to talk with a professional about these feelings.

Aiko

Hypochon,

Will have a look at that AVRT method,...
I am sure I will learn something to use it in the WAR.

I do not go to any support group, I do not have any Sponsor,
I have good friends that put up with me...
and help me pushing me to the psychologist and the Psychiatrist.
If it was not for them I would not be writing here...

I have great hopes on this page...
and really pray you will help me CHANGE my mind,
and I love to help others I really do.

Thank you for listening...

Aiko

I thank you all for your words....
and your precious time helping me...

I hope one day I can post I have crossed the fence!!!

I send you all my love

lala34mc

I'm sorry you're struggling. In my experience, this is a condition that will not be solved by changing your *mind*. There will be no experience low enough, no amount of self annihilation that will shame you into "getting it." It's a disease and it's a spiritual sickness and you cannot think your way out of it.

I have learned this the suffering way. If you truly want to change, all of these things you see as obstacles (friends, etc.) will matter much less than the desire to recover. I don't say that lightly, I know how painful it is to face and turn in the direction of hope.

I could not do it alone. I failed every single time. Try and AA meeting. Just go, with an open mind, and see what happens.

I hope you find peace. It's there if you want it

Anna

I hope you choose to stop drinking and using drugs. It will get worse unless you stop. You don't need to go down any further. We are here to support you.

yoohoo

I don't think you have hit rock bottom yet

Aiko

Yoohoo,

I was thinking that once did hit it at 19,...
but after 3 days in hospital, after a stomach pump...

guess what was the first thing I wanted to do
When I came out...
and my family thought poor, ... she tried to suicide...
But the truth is that I wasn´t....
Just over did it...

NEVER CONFESSED...

But my older bother a couple of weeks after did try to suicide...
I will never know why...
But he died a couple of years later in an Accident...

Life is just a mess...

soberhawk

I kind of like the phrase, we hit bottom when we stop digging.

I am sorry about your brother Aiko.

yoohoo

Hi Aiko, I know sometimes life is really really dreadful. There are times when it seems like its too hard to go on. Theres no fancy answers. I only know one thing, that drinking makes me feel even worse. It doesnt help at all any more so if I dont want to feel that low again, I cant drink again. Hope that is some comfort at what must be one of the hardest times of your life.