Toomutch

I am in a terrible place today... Having such severe panic out of the blue, so worried about my crazy life. Husband, boyfriend, the young girls my husband was cheating on me with, the bankruptsy, the divorce, trying to find a job, surrendering my car because my husband convinced me to go refinance my car after I had been started on a new drug for my bipolar disorder and didn't know my butt from a hole in the ground. I only had 2 payments left, and it was refinanced for $11,000. To this day I don't know what happened to the money .I miss my dogs terribly, On top of everything else I am trying to stay sober after completely screwing up my 5 years of sobriety. There are so many other things going on right now as well but I have shared enough without boring you all anymore than I already have.

Just so blue and panicked!!! Trying to talk myself through it but it's not working. I want to drink so bad even though I know I would hate myself. At least for now I wouldn't have to feel like this.

Sorry for the ramble...

AlefVavResh

Hang in there! You've gotten through worse in the past couple of weeks, so I know you can do it!

DoubleDragons

You don't want to add anything else to your troubles, a relapse would be just that. You can handle your troubles, the clouds always pass. Drinking will add rain and storms to the clouds.

alphaomega

This too, shall pass.

Be well.

stark6935

Do you think drinking is really going to make you feel better? It will probably make you just pass out and feel like crap in the morning. You need to fix your life, and alcohol is why your life is messed up. Stop the drinking.

phoebe64

Have you addressed your panic and anxiety with your mental health professional. You mention being bipolar so I imagine you have regular care for that? Maybe they can help you.

I suffer from anxiety and have had panic attacks. I know ho wparalyzing that feeling can be.

Freebird13

Are you willing to risk losing your boyfriend if you take that first drink (which you know will lead to many more)?

I suggest trying to ingest something natural that will calm you down--sleepytime tea or hot milk.

I also suggest looking at others on here who have it far worse (i.e. Keywierd who has cancer). Thinking about others who have it worse always works for me.

doggonecarl

Your situation is no different today than it was a couple days ago, and you were quite upbeat then. What's different? My guess, you seem to be looking for a reason to drink.

Please don't.

Toomutch

The panic is gone now, but I'm still feeling depressed.

I absolutely know that there are others worse off then me. When I get into these types of panic however, I can't look beyond myself.

I'm definitely not looking for a reason to drink... that is the absolute last thing I want to do. But an hour or so ago the alcohol would have gotten me through the pain. That is what the evilness of it all wanted me to do, but I did not.

I thank God because I made it through the panic without drinking, and I know everything else will work itself out.

Mizzuno

It's good to hear that you are not drinking. I completely understand how your life is very confusing right now. I was in a very trying place 7 months ago. One day at a time life proceeded to get better. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. You are doing well.

Nuudawn

It's a rough spot when our minds star to whir and gallop about like a wild horse trying to throw it's first rider. I think our addiction responds a bit like that...no, no, no ..you can't tame me with sobriety so I'm gonna throw a freakin' fit.

I'm with Carl...this is your addiction throwin up it's weapons.

What is wrong right this instant? Are you starving with malnutrition and have no food? Did a tornado blow off the roof of your house and the rain is pelting in? Have you fallen and can't get up?

What I'm trying to get at is...what is wrong in this exact moment? Is there anything you can do to remedy it with practical solution right now? Can you apply for a job or any other application to your problems of worry right this second?

If not, it is not in your control..and you cannot control it. Don't Worry but do something about what is in your control. If it's not in your control....well

Serenity prayer comes to mind.

least

I hope you don't drink over this. You know full well it won't make anything better and will just make everything worse. Stick around here if you need to hold on to us.

ClearLight

Well, I remember your post from the other day that made me laugh.

Sooooo - how about another pap smear to cheer you up?

Toomutch

That's just how it seems to be right now, one day I'm as happy as can be and the next day miserable. Telling myself that tomorrow will be better.

Raider

Good job not drinking. You are strong. Stay strong.

instant

Hope you find some clarity soon.

Anna

I hope you keep trying to focus on the positive. Getting a job will help you feel more empowered financially. Hang in there!

sillysuzanfree

Have you been back to an AA meeting? Wasn't it you that posted that you had been to one and picked up a newcomers chip??? Maybe try to find a weekend women's meeting in your area...I haven't been that active in AA myself but I usually find a good women's meeting helps...

longbeachone

Toomuch, Out of all of those "Horrible Problems" you listed, are there any that can be changed by worrying and fretting about them? From what I read, only three things on your list were "action items". They are:
1. You need to find a job.
2. You miss your dogs.
3. You MUST stay sober.
Everything else seems to be water under the bridge. Your car is gone. You and your husband are no longer together. If you have made the decision to declare bankruptcy, then that issue is closed. Have you made a final decision to divorce? Then that's a done deal. I'm not trying to trivialize your troubles, but I want you to look hard at every single issue, and if you cannot do something to change the outcome, or if it's a done deal, then let it go. Easy for me to say, right? But it can be done.

You're a smart girl Toomuch. You can handle a whole lot. If you need to find a physical, tangible way to release your attachment to each issue, right every one on a rock, then toss them as hard as you can into any nearby body of water. Every time one of these useless problems comes into your head, don't let it see the light of day. Say it out loud. Nothing, absolutely nothing comes of fretting and worrying over decisions already made. Focus on finding a new job, and get busy updating that resume, researching job openings, etc... Are you on LinkedIn? This has become an enormously important tool for job hunting. What's the story with your dogs. Can anything be done? If it can, then do it. If not, hard as it is, let it go. Make some hard, adult choices about what matters RIGHT NOW. Then focus all of your time, attention and resources there.

Above all, stay sober. STAY SOBER! You can do this. You've done it before! You are a lovely woman with wonderful kids who deserves a happy, fulfilled life. It's out there waiting for you!!!