james872

Hi all,

In my "relapsed" thread I posted that I was hungover and would go back to bed. Btw, I'm starting a new thread sober since I am happy to see the relapse one disappear gently yet effectively into the huge storage space of old, never to be seen again posts.

Anyway, after I posted this morning, it got a lot worse and I ended up in the ER again.

I was uncontrollably expelling fluids from every possible location, you really do not want the details on that... I was shaking uncontrollably and there was a loud buzzing sound in my head. It was bad.

In the ER they concluded that the alcohol had irritated my stomach pretty badly and I was lucky not to have suffered a bleed. And my intestines are affected as well.

Once again, it was a close call. It will probably heal with some rest and light eating, but I was close to a real disaster. I guess that after 50 days sober my stomach still couldn't handle alcohol.

This scared me more than anything before. This was the first time that that one bottle could have resulted in serious health problems.

So now I must quit. Because at this point one night of drinking could lead to a stomach bleed. That's the point of no return.

It's different when you're in the situation where you know that you need to quit because eventually you'll get sick from it. In this case it's like telling someone that if they have that drink, it might be the end of them. Or whatever the consequences of a stomach bleed can be. I was too sick to ask.

So that's it. I choose to live. And the fear I have of drinking is so big and so real now, that no amount of other influences could ever make me drink.

I'm going to sleep again now, I'm exhausted and terrified. I have my laptop next to my bed just in case I freak out and want to post. That gives me a great deal of comfort right now.

jaynie04

Hi James, I was thinking about you earlier and hoping that you were okay. I think there was a lot of honesty in your thread yesterday, nothing at all to feel uncomfortable about. It sounds like you have been paralyzed by an incident that was out of your control. I hope that you can start to nurture yourself again, this planet (earth) would not be as rich if it weren't for souls like you!

Raider

Glad you are ok! Good job getting back on that horse!!!

Pam

kadidee

So glad that you're okay, James! Take good care of yourself and get some rest.

crosscountry3

One day at a time...........

hayley86

James, i am glad to hear that you are ok. Sending best wishes. Take care of yourself.

alphaomega

Be well sweet James. You deserve so much more. Please, take care of yourself. Please.

XO AO

soberhawk

Good to hear from you james.

HeadLump

Good to hear that you're ok and are back fighting and kicking this thing, James, but I'm so sorry for all you've been through xx

gatorgirl67

Thinking about you James...get some rest and we will be here when you feel better. XX

ScottFromWI

Best wishes James. As bad as things get, sometimes the "scare" isn't even enough to keep people from drinking. An entire shift in thinking is needed, not merely to make sure we don't drink again so something bad doesn't happend, but to "live sober" because it's a better way of life. It sounds like you have certainly had an eye-opener once again, but i truly hope you can find it within yourself to embrace sobriety because it is truly a better way of life. Hopefully we can help you find that way, glad you are back and please stay with us.

Hevyn

You sound determined and ready to do this James. We are all here for you.

FourSeasons

Stay strong, James... Feel well soon! FS

SkyeSea

Great to see you posting James. Sorry you've been through the ER experience, maybe in months to come, you'll see it as a blessing in disguise Get well soon x

PS I totally relate to you taking your laptop with you to bed - in the past, I've gone to sleep clutching onto my phone, knowing that I could get SR up on it if needed - it really helped

Dee74

glad you're back James - rest up take it easy, then think about a cast iron foolproof recovery plan

D

digdug

Hey James,

I'm glad you made it out ok.

I had the same issue as you. Well, I actually did have a stomach bleed from my drinking. Puking up blood is no fun.

It was a great motivator in the beginning. The doctors all said, I am risking my life if I have just one drink. One drink would be enough to ruin my internal organs for good. And as long as I didn't drink, I'd be ok.

That fear alone got me through the first few months. But then it starts to wear off. I am starting to forget how much misery and pain I was in that night and all the nights before it.

So Dee is right. You really should come up with a good plan this time. When that fear fades, you need something else that can stop you from picking up that one drink.

Personally, I go to AA to remind myself of where I was, that I am an alcoholic and will always be one drink away from death. You have to do whatever works for you. But do something. The fear won't last forever.

Feel better, mate!

james872

Thanks for all the nice replies!

I'm still pretty sick. I sleep a lot and when I don't, I'm busy planning how to stay sober from now on.

You guys are right. The fear might fade. Something else that occurred to me was, my stomach will heal eventually. There will be that checkup where they say "It's healed now". Then that fear wouldn't exist anymore.

Until my relapse, I enjoyed being sober, but my motivator was a moving away from position. Me staying sober was based on not wanting to go back. And it worked pretty well, but not well enough.

So I need to get a true "enjoying the sober life" type of motivation as well. I was enjoying it as a result, but it was not a motivator in itself.

That's what I'm trying to figure out. How to create that. I've made some progress already, but I still need it to "click". But I'll get there.

For now I'm just looking forward to feeling healthy again... Fortunately I can hold water and some food down and I have everything I need at home.

Ok, back to resting for me. Again, thanks a lot!