phoenix299

So I have two friends who happen to be in recovery (one is 20+ years sober and the other 5+). They are both VERY involved in AA but do not know each other yet they both made similar comments when they learned of my lifestyle change and that I was over two months sober.

Friend 1 (20+ years) - "Good for you but let me know when you get to 20+ years.. then we can talk"

Friend 2 (5+ years) - "Almost 3 months huh? That's great.. It gets hard after a year though"

I was so annoyed by both of them.. it took every ounce of self control not to respond but I didn't. I just smiled and said thanks.

SkyeSea

I suspect those two would have issues whether they were in AA or not

Mirage74

Yea, I've found that some people in AA are arrogant about their sobriety. It's a turnoff for me too. It's not a contest.

digdug

Here's the thing about AA I've learned over the past 6 months. Everyone has DIFFERENT experiences.

But there are those who think that their experiences are universal. It happens in AA. It happens outside AA, like my boss telling me I should already know something that SHE went to school for.

Maybe it was hard for them after a year. Maybe it got hard at 5 years. Maybe someone went 30+ while never leaving that pink cloud. Your experience is your own and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Some old-timers like to brag in condescending fashion. They have 20+ years. That's awesome! But it goes against the traditions of AA to put down people with less time than you. People with less time are MORE important.

But it happens. Remember that every time you walk into a room, you are walking into a room with sick people, 20+ years be damned. Some, even those with time, are sicker than others. Don't let these people get to you. There are so many people out there in AA who are kind, caring, and want to share their experience for the sole purpose of helping you to achieve and maintain your sobriety.

Stick with the winners, and that doesn't just mean people with lots of time.

What did your sponsor say when you brought this up to him?

phoenix299

I should have also mentioned their other comments (not enough coffee apparently)

1 - If you are serious you need to commit to AA. Nobody can succeed without it.

2 - (Friend) When did you start going to meetings?
(Me) I don't go to meetings. I just chose to stop.
(Friend) Seriously? *sarcastic smile* You know that won't work long term.

Blah!

sillysuzanfree

Hi Phoenix,

I am coming up on a year and a half sober...I was going to AA meetings regularly but not doing the steps...I needed to take a break from it! I have nothing at all against the program and doing the steps. I just haven't found the right person to be my sponsor (have asked two women). I too got tired of the self righteous attitude of some of the folks in the program. However, some of them are very nice and sincere and I am seriously considering giving it another real try.

Though I am nowhere near close to taking a drink, I do think about drinking a lot and romanticize the "good old days" when I could drink and get away with it! The AA folks would call me a "dry drunk"...UGH...perhaps they would be right.

Your response to them was very appropriate...we are all different and we do what we need to do for us. I always say any day an alcoholic or addict isn't drinking or using is a good day!

Congratulations on the nearly 3 months!

phoenix299

Thank you so much for this post! I appreciate you taking the time to share with me.

I don't have a sponsor. Just my dog. He told me to ignore the comments :o)

digdug

Well your second post in this thread does change things a bit. I had assumed you were actively participating in AA.

There are those that believe AA is the only way. I am not one of those people. I have seen it work for hundreds with my own eyes, including myself, but it would be naive to think it is the only way to succeed.

But the FACT is that those without a program, any program, are far more likely to relapse. Your program could be AA, religious-based, secular, etc. And there are even those who have used this site daily as their program of accountability and support.

But you have to have something. White-knuckling it won't get you too far. And even if you manage to put together a good amount of time this way, it probably won't be the most fulfilling.

phoenix299

Sorry for not being more clear.

I agree that AA is an amazing program that has helped and continues to help countless numbers of people but I don't necessarily agree that I have to have something. I don't feel that I'm white knuckling at all.. I had an eye opening experience that seems to have destroyed some walls that I'd been hiding behind. I have turned to fitness and honestly feel absolutely amazing both mentally and physically. I may decide to attend a local ministry for support but I'm not there yet.

I truly appreciate your words

wakko

I have learned to listen to anyone that has long term sobriety regardless of their progtam. AA is not the only way but will power alone almost always ends in failure. Alcohol is just too powerful it has lifetime to wait for our one moment of weakness.

KateeDidnt

So are there other programs that work other than AA? I've been trying to find one!! Can anyone recommend an AA alternative? I've gone to three different AA meetings but each time I left wanting to drink even MORE!

wiscsober

I know it is very hard....I have had 33 years of attending AA meetings...not with continuous sobriety...but a good length of time now.

I went to a meeting yesterday, my homegroup, and I would be hard pressed to tell you what other people said. Hard time thinking what I said!

I couldn't imagine people with 5 years or more being sick...especially 30. I think for them, me included, it's just their personalities....we don't remain sick...we recover... but me I certainly can still be an arrogant egotistical *******!

digdug

Check out the Secular Connections forum for some ideas.

Also, it is normal for newcomers to possibly be triggered by being in a room full of drunks. But that fades quickly for almost everyone.

phoenix299

Thanks! I will have a look :o)

I'm actually in situations every weekend where I'm around a group of people drinking and it isn't a problem at all. The first few weeks were tough but I honestly don't want it now (I realize this could change at any moment but as of now I'm not tempted).

MidnightBlue

Hi, Phoenix.

Kudos to you for your self-control.

What alarms me in some comments is tendency to generalization. Experience is great thing, so we can just share it and let other make their own conclusions.

I wouldn't call my sobriety "program" - rather it's a plan I am making myself, adjusting according to the changes I develop, great support at SR. and lot of other things I incorporate in sober life to sustain my new lifestyle and inner changes.

Best wishes to all.

Have a great day and fantastic sober weekend)

BadCompany

So you are not attending AA or doing the AA thing but you wanted a pat on the head from AA people?

phoenix299

I don't want (nor did I ask for) anything from "AA people". I was around these people and someone I was with mentioned my situation to the "AA people" and they said what they said.

Mirage74

Why should AA people care whether someone sober is in AA or not? The fundamental goal is the same - to quit drinking.

icandoallthings

They don't sound like very nice people ....sober or not. Personally, I wouldn't want to spend time around that negativity ....just mho

KateeDidnt

Thank you DigDug. What do you mean by : "Also, it is normal for newcomers to possibly be triggered by being in a room full of drunks." Sorry, but I don't really understand.