MN81713

It's 3:42 am here, just called my job (just woke up) and again, lied that I had just returned from the hospital - I was asleep, not at the hospital...I was given praise and concern for, yet, another lie.....no bottle, nothing here left to drink and have to deal with it....sure not many up right now, just wanted to give an update/write....have class in a few hours then work from 11pm-7am....weak and just feeling like....I don't know, what am I doing this for, if it is a disease, people do die......not saying I am thinking suicide, just thinking, maybe nature - genetics, weeds some out....living should not be so hard.....

Dee74

I think thinking that way is a cop out MN. If that were true none of us would be here.

Alcoholism can be arrested - but you have to stop drinking in order for that to happen.

Please start thinking about the various options open to you - you're a young woman with many years ahead of you and a bright future - if you make the right choices now

D

cheebiechi

good morning, well I am in MN too....and always up at this silly hour...well sometimes it takes many day ones to really know that this is the last day one. I have been through ALOT of them until I was sick and tired of being sick and tired of them.

MN81713

Thank You!

SnoozyQ

Hi MN8 :-)

Dee is absolutely right . You are a young woman , you have a long life ahead of you if you stop drinking.
Im not quite sure where you are coming from tho ?

Are you trying to give up ?
Such a shame you lied to your job as you are really lying to yourself :-(

At this point in your life , work is the best thing for you .

You really have to STOP !

You sound intelligent and im sure you are lovely in real life too.

Give yourself a chance , i wish you well , good luck xxxx

SkyeSea

Hi again You told me yesterday what a lovely, caring lady your boss is ..well, how long before she cares enough to VISIT you in the hospital or send a bunch of flowers, that get returned?
You really need to think about what you're doing hun, before you don't have a job or a reference for future work
Come on, bail out of the drinking NOW while you still can turn it all around y

PS I'm wondering if it's a cry for help that's motivating you? If so, PLEASE go and find that help - take control back
Big hugs to ya xx

least

I hope this time you can be successful at giving up drinking. It won't do you any good, will only make things worse.

soberclover

I remember being where you are at now....sucked. It is such a relief for me now that I'm sober to not have those things to worry about. There is so much life to live that I was missing because I was always having to spend time in the web of lies that I was creating. Give sobriety a try. You can always go back to your old life if you want but most of us would rather be where we are now.

digdug

I am really worried about you, MN. You are spinning out of control. Maybe you can see it, maybe you can't. You are approaching the end game of the progressive nature of this disease.

This is just my humble opinion, but I really think inpatient treatment would benefit you. You could use that time to just focus on your sobriety without any distractions. No need to lie. No need to come up with excuses on a daily basis. No more trips to the ER that you've been lucky enough so far to return home from.

The reason why I am so worried is that I see myself in you, or the way I was right before the end. I felt like I had this daily chore of jumping out of a plane without a parachute. I know where this ends up. It ain't pretty. You're running out of time here.

Living is not hard if you learn to do it the right way. Rehab can teach you how to do this.

So I'll say it again. Please go get help and seek treatment. You will be able to look back at this point s just a blip in an otherwise successful life. This doesn't have to be permanent. You are not damned to this forever.

I wish you nothing but the best.

alphaomega

I always considered myself a very honest person. It's one of the traits I pride myself on the most. But when I was drinking, there would be no end to what I would come up with in regards to protecting my secret. How many times my dead grandmother was sick again. How many times my car broke down. Just exactly how many "virus'" can one woman contract in a 6 month period ?

Yes, I let pretty much everyone down in the course of my addiction. But the self loathing was unbearable. As was depending on the kindness of friends and strangers alike. Most people knew that I was just a drunk. But I thought I was clever as all get out.

Ugh. The thought of that total desperation is horrible. What an awful, awful way to live. But I did. I lived it for decades.

And while I hurt everyone around me, by taking that poison into my body, in essence, what I was repeatedly doing was casting my pearls before swine.

Keep trying. You are so worth it.

SnoozyQ

Hi Mn8 you were the first thing i thought of when i woke this morn cos im worried about you

. Digdug and Aolphao made some really good points.

I felt i was a little harsh in my post to you , but maybe i saw some of myself in there and i didn't like what i saw ;(

I really want you to get better,
You can have that life you want.

I felt like when i lied at work , i was just digging the hole deeper .

Good luck sweetheart , i really want you well and you dont sound well in your posts

Hugz xx

MN81713

Well, first, Thank you for all the messages/posts...felt good to wake up feeling terrible but able to hear some kind words....I didn't go to school today, I am supposed to work in 6 hours but of course and going through withdraw now and so sick and weak....Again, Thank you, called my boss, told her I will be there at 11..I HOPE AND PRAY I can....

SkyeSea

I really hope you manage to get into work - will do you the world of good to get back into routine.
Unfortunately, withdrawal is the price we pay, but no need to go through it again, if you choose not to

Louise82

MN, when I was drinking, I lied to get out of turning up for work/doing work too. I also lied to family and friends to get out of meeting up with them. Now I'm sober, it's such a relief not to lie. It's a relief and a privilege to be able to show up and just be present in my own life.

What can you do to stay stopped this time? Go back to AA? Use one of the other numerous recovery methods/programs we read about here on SR? Get therapy or addiction counselling? How about taking up your father's offer to help out with rehab costs or finding a free rehab? And how can we help?

I know you don't want to tell your parents that things are bad again, but they're your parents. They love you unconditionally. Don't worry about worrying them - parents are there to help. That's what parents are for. You're their precious child.

It's not true that you have to die of this disease. It's just not true. No one has to die of alcoholism. In recovery, I've heard plenty of alcoholics say something along the lines "I should be dead, yet here I am living a sober life beyond my wildest dreams".

Anna

I hope that you can get to work, too.

Try to remember that you don't have to go through this again.

MN81713

I am going to try this one last time to do it on my own and WILL, as I past stated, will drive myself to treatment if I fail....My mom just came by and brought me some food because she thinks I am "fainting" due to low carbs...ugh, can you say feel like a low POS/GUILT, I am so blessed to have loved ones, as many don't....she does not drink (well maybe some wine on the holidays, etc. but not like my dad, sister and I) she is also coming to pick me up at 10:30 for work because she doesn't want me to drive....grrrr, don't mean to sound negative, just feel terrible as its all lies....I am so dang weak and sick, don't know how I am going to make 5 hours to even get to work then 8 hours at work....a pint would make the symptoms go away and I do have a ride (see how my sick mind thinks???) but can't, need to feel the pain, bathroom, dry heaves....maybe this is just the lesson I need! Thanks for sticking with me....I will do this, have to do this.....Thank you all again!!!!

Hevyn

Hi MN. I'm sorry for the suffering you've gone through. Maybe it never has to happen again.

The situation you describe is the main reason I quit. I was doing the same things you are. Calling off work, lying & taking advantage of people, etc. My credibility was being ruined with everyone I knew. I was completely out of control every time I picked up. I'd always intend to just have a little, but of course it was always the whole bottle. In the end, it was exhausting to continue with the drinking life. I was shredded. I needed peace and tranquility. It was so wonderful to be free. You can do it MN - we know you can. Better days lie ahead.

kadidee

MN, hang in there. Stick close by SR and just don't drink today. Awhile back, you had 10 days...you can absolutely do that and more by just starting with now. Think about how good you felt then (I read some very happy, productive posts from you). I'm cheering you on. Please strongly consider a rehab facility, as others have said. You do not have to do this on your own.

MN81713

Don't think I can do work...sick.....hope I can keep my job while getting through yet another withdraw, however, tonight....just don't think I am able....called hospital and they said if I come in again they will admit me....(due to my lie about having a seizure) no insurance, I should not be thinking about money right now, but it is thousands of dollars....just another update....still going to try to go to work....

kadidee

MN, maybe going to the hospital would be the best thing. You could be completely honest about your drinking and ask for support about detoxes and rehabs. I racked up some hospital bills a few years ago for a drinking-related incident and got put on a reasonable payment plan. Don't let the money thought stop you. This could be the best decision you ever make.