canter

I am sorry if this topic has already been covered in previous posts but I feel like I really need some advice.

My brother is an alcoholic. Earlier in the year (Feb) he tried to committ suicide and spent 2 nights in a psychiatric facility in hospital. At the time he lived in a city interestate and once he rang and told me I flew down for a few days. I could not stay longer than that because I needed to get back to work. He was referred to an addiction support type centre and given counselling and prescribed anti-depressants and Naltrexone. Because I could not stay with him I tried to help out financially by paying off his substantial credit card debt and other bills - he was let go from his work. Although he was able to find another job shortly after (he works in hospitality so work is relatively easy to find but never pays very well) and then moved into a new share-flat with a friend, he continued to struggle. He would ring or text me in the middle of the night. His housemate knew about some of his issues but continued to keep alcohol in teh house. His line of work has also been a big problem, since he works shift hours and is constantly exposed to alcohol.

Then in May he tried to cut himself (he says he was not attempting suicide again) and ended up severing his ulna nerve. His housemate had to take him to the hospital and understandably after that wanted him to move out as a priority. I flew down to see him and it was decided that he should move up to our city to live with me and my husband. There was really little choice about this, since his housemate wanted him out, his injury meant the long term loss of the use of his right hand, and he would be dependent on benefits which in his city would barely cover rent even in a share house/flat. We also hoped it would give him teh opportunity to study or retrain so that he could find work in a less toxic industry for his condition.

Since then it has been very difficult. Our current house is small, only two bedrooms, and not very soundproof. We established from the beginning that there would be no drinking in the house by any of us. He has not succeded in this. I guess this is getting the main issue which is that a little while ago he came home extremely drunk, late on a weeknight, crashing around and ranting angrily and crying. I tried to talk to him and calm him down. He was distraught and ended up telling me about how he had been sexually assualted at the boarding school we both went to as teenagers. He then tried to throw himself down the front stairs. Eventually my husband and I were able to calm him down and get him to bed.

The next morning he did not remember specifics and consequently I am really really lost as to how I deal with what he told me. I know he needs help but I cannot force him to take it. Since then he has been okay but I suspect has been periodically getting drunk (like last night when I woke up at 4am to him muttering and ranting in his room). He says that he has been keeping up wtih his counselling (now by skype) and medication, but we both work all day so we have no idea whether this is actually the case. He has made no effort to look at finding alternative work or engaging in study.

Sorry this is getting so long. In short - I am experiencing a huge range of mixed emotions. I want to help him and stand by him but I feel powerless and lost as to where to start. I also feel angry and resentful towards him for his relentless self-pity and negativity, and the way he has become my responsiblity to look after and has encroached on our peaceful life together. And then of course I feel guilty and horrible for feeling that way after what he has been through. And then like I am not doing enough to help him, even though we are giving him food and rent free accommodation.

I guess I am really hoping for some rough guidance on how to deal with all of this. We have been in the process of moving house the last couple of weeks which has been very stressful, so I am hoping that once that is over I can start putting some positive engery and attention back into this situation.

Thank you.

Dee74

Hi Canter - welcome

I'm sorry for your situation.

I commend you for wanting to help your brother but it sounds like a job that may simply be too big for you and your husband to manage?

are there other options for your brother?

D

Tuffgirl

Welcome, canter.

No worries on length. I am glad you found a place to be able to share anonymously and get this out of your head for a bit. Secrets keep us sick.

Alcoholism is a roller-coaster ride for us loved ones. We want so badly to help someone we know is struggling, yet that very help creates an enabling situation that can make the disease so much worse. It seems like a no-win situation.

What you can do is find some support for yourself, and keep the focus right there - squarely on you and your own life. You already know you can't force him to seek help. So let him find his own way. I know, I know, sounds heartless and cruel, but trust me, when left to their own devices, many folks find they can choose to sink or swim, and swimming is so much more appealing.

Have you considered Al-Anon? I highly recommend it for learning new skills on effectively dealing with an alcoholic in your life.

A great book to read is "Under the Influence" which really helped me understand the physiology of addictions.

And do keep reading and posting here. Lots of great wisdom to be found in these forums.
Peace,
~T

Recovering2

Dear canter, I just want to reach through this computer and hug you. My brother is jobless, penniless, friendless, etc. Numerous rehabs, many ICU visits. The only reason he isn't homeless is he lives with our elderly parents. I tried for YEARS to help him, and also suffered his hostility when he was drunk. It took repeated crises to finally wake me up. I wasn't going to change my brother, or his situation.

The BEST thing you can do at this time is find AlAnon meetings near you and start going. You will find amazing support and understanding there. You will learn the 3 C's: you didn't Cause the disease, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. Paying off the credit card debt, letting him live with you...none of that will change him. It will only make you ill over time, and create chaos in your own life.

This will sound a little harsh, but please know I say it with good intentions. You're angry because he has become your responsibility, but he hasn't. You made the choice to make him your responsibility. You made the choice to allow him to encroach on your peaceful life together. Just as he chooses to drink, you choose to rescue.

I had to learn to detach with love from my brother. His life didn't change, but mine did. My heart breaks for him every day, but I know it's his path and his consequences. I can love him right where he's at, without enmeshing myself.

I really really really hope you try AlAnon. Stick around here, read the sticky's posted at the top, read "The Language of Letting Go" and "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. (((hugs))) to you

Flavia2

One of the things I learned in Alanon is to see things for what they ARE instead of what they COULD BE. For example, if your brother would just work his recovery program, get another job, seek counseling- everything would be alright again. But is he willing to be sober, get a job, seek counseling?

I am sorry you are going through this and wish you the best.