james872

I didn't see this coming...

At the moment I'm half way through a bottle of wine. How did this happen?

This evening I was doing fine until suddenly the cause of my drinking, the trauma I sustained during an event, expressed itself. It's the emotions that were created that led to me drinking.

I couldn't deal with them... and now I'm drinking. Which sucks.

These feelings really need to go away. Fortunately I'm in the process of getting mental help.

In a way I feel like I betrayed you all. I know that's not really true and I wouldn't think that of anyone else in my place. But I'm so overwhelmed by these feelings right now. They need to disappear.

Sorry.

SkyeSea

Sorry to hear you're in pain James How about trying some 'damage limitation' - if you can't stop and throw it down the sink, then at least take some water in?
Hope you find peace very soon x x

hayley86

Sorry to hear that you are struggling James. You didn't betray any of us. Now you are in the process of getting help hopefully you will be able to learn to deal with these emotions without picking up a drink. How about getting rid of the rest of the wine?. Tomorrow is a new day. You have lots of support here.

phoebe64

Sorry James. Can you stop now? Go out for a walk? Stay on here and talk it out? Take a nap?

I agree with Skysea. You posted about it for a reason, let us help you and how about you stop before you make yourself ill, hungover, etc...?

james872

Thanks. I will drink the rest of the bottle, that's how it works. Funny how we tell ourselves that when it's not actually true... It's not necessarily how it works, it what I tell myself to rationalize my decision.

The honest fact is that I can't not drink it through my willpower. I need change at the emotional level for that.

I had promised myself to not share what caused my trauma and what happened. Right now I feel like it might be good to let it out, without getting into too much detail. I sure hope that tomorrow this isn't going to turn out to be a decision that was made drunk and a bad idea.

But what basically happened was that someone did something to me which almost killed me and got me to the point of me knowing for myself that I was about to die. It's funny how in that moment you see what you truly believe about God and life after death.

I'd never settled on a particular belief. During my life I had come to the realization that as long as I don't know for sure, I can't take any position on the matter.

In the moment that I knew for myself that I was going to die, I saw a black field, meaning nothingness. And I thought to myself "In a moment it's all gone". In that moment I was very calm, very peaceful and accepting of the fact that there will be nothing. That's what I truly believed and still believe. It just came into full focus the moment I knew I was going to die.

Well, I was wrong about dying. Heck, maybe I was wrong about there being nothing after death as well. In any case...

This resulted in a huge trauma that alcohol helped me hide from.

So that needs to go. Those feelings need to disappear.

Something is telling me that I'm going to regret this alcohol induced openness... Ah well...

SkyeSea

Please don't regret being open Have you had counselling for PTSD? Sounds like it might help

phoebe64

I do not think you have shared anything you should regret. Sounds like this experience caused fear and anxiety, and deep existential questions. I think therapy, or mental help as you say, is a great idea. They can help you with the drinking too, most likely.

hayley86

Being able to share our troubles is what's great about this place James. I hope the help you have lined up brings you some peace. Sending best wishes.

james872

I've had my first appointment at the psychiatry department of my local hospital and have filled out an extensive questionnaire for diagnostic purposes. As soon as they have processed it, I will get a psychiatrist to help me.

I'm not an expert, but it seems like PTSD to me. But there may be comorbidity or something that I don't know about. All I want is the proper care.

It's so frustrating. I used to be fine. I used to do great in every aspect of life. I used to be successful. I used to have a wonderful girlfriend. I would have been happy right now, married, a kid. That's my idea of happiness. I'm 32 and that happy picture would have been reality.

But that terrible thing happened and it changed me. Now I'm alone.

I believe this emotional problem can be solved. My ex is my ex because of how I changed. She still cares about me and loves me. I isolated myself from everyone after the traumatic event, wanting to be alone.

But if I can solve the problems, she's still there for me. Isn't that true love?

God, drinking does make inhibitions disappear... I never wanted to share this, but that may have been a symptom. I mean, this is in total privacy. My real name, of course, isn't even James.

Anyway, either I will think "Oh ****!" tomorrow about what I have written here or I'm happy about it. Won't know until I'm sober...

least

I hope you're able to stop drinking and get some help with your trauma.

SkyeSea

Sure sounds like she thinks the world of you Oh, you're 32 not 92 - loads of time for settling down and kids

james872

I really hope so.

Part of me feels like all the advice I gave others in the 50 days I was sober was all worthless. That stings. But I hope it still helped.

Raider

Hey I'm still here. I still love you. You reached out to me when I needed it. You were there! Now I am here for you. You relapsed, oh well. Doesn't change the way I feel about you. You had 50 days! Nothing to sneeze at. You'll get back up. Hugs and prayers your way.
Love
Pam (my real name)

Aiko

I am ever so sorry James you had such an awful experience,
but sometimes bad things happens for a good reason...
I am sure you will learn from this experience surely....

Do not Punish your self... What is the point...???
But you are silly if you do not try to LEARN FROM IT.

I fell 2 weeks ago, and was very upset...
but I thought what is done is done,
tomorrow I get up and start again.

YOU ARE IN THIS PLANET FOR A REASON,
YOU DO NOT DIE IF YOU HAVE SOME PURPOSE HERE...

I have been near death a couple of times, and I walk out always.

Just be careful and do not put yourself in danger.

james872

I feel bad for pushing her out of my life, even though she is the only one who truly knows it all through and through. And she accepts and understands it.

She never stopped believing and I think she's going to be right.

james872

This means a lot to me Pam, it really does. Lots of love to you!

james872

Thanks a lot Aiko. I know I will learn from this experience. Just have to get through the hard part...

roomsforall

You don't actually have to drink the rest of the bottle. If you dump it out, it cannot work that way!

Aiko

It is best if you have a shower and cuddle to sleep...

Get help, the meds do work and psychological does help
and you will think clearly.
Right now you do Not think straight...

Tomorrow all will be over...
and a new day will Begin

james872

I know this is true but somehow I am unable to dump it out. I guess that's how alcoholism works.