caterpillargirl

I met my ex-fiance last October…there was no instant attraction-we just exchanged phone numbers for the sake of getting being friends and walking our dogs together…but the first conversation lasted hours and every preceding day from that point onwards-we spoke for hours on end, and by the end of November-admitted to each other that we had fallen in love with each other. We spoke about getting married and settling down. I am 39 (as of Aug.1)-he is 46 (as of Aug. 15). By February we were engaged. He confessed to me that he had used heroine about 10 years ago-but that his 3 month jail stint as a result had taught him a life-lesson-and that it was never a problem prior to that and had never been a problem since-I justified it-told him that I was shocked-just never would guess that he would ever have used-never saw it in him-did not fit the profile (I was so blind and dumb in thinking this-I mean-my own sister was a heroin addict-I had done drugs myself in my early twenties-had been around addicts). Somehow-he just did not fit the profile-was so well-groomed-responsible-loved his work-worked a lot-was very gentlemanly and enthusiastic in starting a life with me and a family. I figured, so many of us make mistakes in life or have something in our pasts that we are not proud of-I believed him when he said he had never used again. I knew he was on prescription drugs for his back pain that he had mentioned was a result of a car accident over ten year ago, and I was okay with that-as long as I told him-it was not becoming a problem for him-I empathized with his problem and justified the prescription drug use even though he was getting it from an outside source rather than from an MD.
As February of this year-we were engaged to be married-but he postponed it a month prior to the May 5th wedding date-stating that he could not give me a exact reason why, except to state that he just felt like he was not ready-he needed more time…of course I was devastated-did not understand the sudden postponement in the wedding plans…but when he said too-that he just wanted us to elope-he wanted something really low-key-whereby we could spend the money on traveling-I again-justified the event-situation by thinking that he had a point-because I too-had spoken of wanting a low-key wedding with just the two of us-no stress or financial burden in that realm-instead-money well spent on travel or other exciting things that we had spoken about-such as starting a business together or buying a home together-etc. We were in California at the time.
Forward two weeks-he told me he was asked to return to work by the company that he worked for in his home state of Pennsylvania-building bridges-that it was a good job-great pay-and an opportunity for us to build the life and start that family that we had spoken of. He told me he did want to marry me-but wanted me to come to PA with him-to get settled down in PA-and then to set another low-key wedding date for the fall, as we had spoken about and eventually decided upon; so…May 2nd-we arrived in PA
We had been trying for a baby over the course of the past three months already-he had bragged about it with his family and friends-saying how he was so in love with me and ready to start a family. In July-we finally did it-I found out I was four weeks pregnant-on July 17 to be exact. I was so excited-to a photo of the pregnancy test with the big words PREGNANT spelled out on it, and woke him up straight after testing-at one in the morning. We were finally going to be having a family like we had spoken about.
I still had not found work in PA-came out with him without a job lined up…but we had discussed prior-that if I was to fall pregnant and need to take off work for the pregnancy or time to focus on some schooling too on the side-that he would not mind this-he wanted me to just be happy and healthy.
Forward wind to August 5th- the last week of July-prior to the first week of August-the text messages from him were so loving. We made a point of texting each other every day since the day we had first starting hanging out-on October 1st of last year…and that last week of July-the texts were no different than any of the other texts preceding that week-with him proclaiming how much “in love” he was with me-how much joy I brought to his life-that he was so in love with me and wanted me forever. Well…on August 5th which was a Monday…a small dispute over my birthday weekend that we had planned for two weeks in advance-which had been at the last minute interrupted by him wanting to follow through with his mother’s requests to meet up with extended family-even though this extended family through marriage was family that lived just down the road from his mom…me pregnant-and him suddenly demanding that our plans change in order to spend and hour to be respectful towards his mom’s wishes…had turned from a dispute to him then abruptly suddenly telling me that he was NOT “in love” with me any more. I was shocked-so taken back-responded with a sudden outburst of tears…why?…what do you mean?…when did you know this?…did you know this before we created the baby?…to which his response was “yes”…he did know this before creating the baby…but he went through with creating the baby for the sake of “trying to make things work”….to which I replied…none of this makes any sense…why would anyone deliberately go out of their way to create a child with someone knowing they are not “in love” with that person?….and why?…why would you go from last week (the last week in July), telling me how much “in love with me you were and how you wanted me forever, to this week-this precise day of August 5th-telling me you were not in love with me any more?…I mean…that is extreme…who falls out of love that quickly-quite literally overnight?…not to mention, he had missed work that day, and when asked why…he told me he was just not feeling well. Well…after telling me he was not in love, he said he would be back in a little bit-which always meant to me-in about an hours time. When four to five hours passed-I knew something was wrong…he never returned home that day-left the apartment at 12:30 in the afternoon and just never came home that night-did not respond to my text or calls..got a text from him at 2 in the morning telling me simply, that he was safe and would be home in the morning-that was it. Morning came-he never came home-my anguish and despair turned to confusion and anger. I took off to his mom’s place-she was leaving for California that day-asked her if I could spend a few days at her place to give us some space-she was okay with that-knew about him having not returned home.
Forward wind…that following weekend-he came down to his moms-admitted to using cocaine that night and having used it about six times over the course of the year. Well…I knew I could safely double that about, because a drug addict will always minimize their usage. He admitted his cocaine use-it was out on the table-no more a big dark secret. I was completely blown away-schocked-bewildered as to what I had just learned-did not see it in him…panic set in. I said to him-”I am pregnant-without a job yet, and you are telling me you are a cocaine user and decide to just take off and spend that night out binging on cocaine?”….”what am I do do-how am I to cope with this, I asked him?” I told him that he would need to at least show me some effort that he would go and get some sort of help-if not checking himself into rehab-which I told him he desperately needed, well then, to at least show me that he would be willing to go to an AA or Alanon meeting or just something-I needed to see him put some effort forth into wanting to come clean and get the help he needed, if he wanted to make things work for me and our child…that I needed that peace of mind-to see his willingness in wanting to help himself for the sake of himself and his future wife and child.
Anyhow…the weeks following…every week seemed to get worse-more coldness and distance from him…seeing a very different side to him that was not the man I fell in love with-him threatening me that if I did not have an abortion-that he would never be with me…that I was not to have the baby just because I would think that this would meke him stay with me…to saying things like: “I can’t really afford you and the baby”…to re-iterating, “I am not in love with you”. The emotional abuse got worse with each passing week. While…I had an abortion on September eth (please…for those of you reading my post-this is controversial for many people-please don’t judge me over this…please just listen and try to understand). When I was sitting in the abortion waiting room-I had asked for the ultrasound picture-I was exactly at 12 weeks-could see the baby-the head-the arms the legs…I cried…walked out of the clinic with Rog following me behind. I told him that I did not think that i could go through with it or not…trying to look for any signs in his face that he was having the same doubts. He said to me: “what good will postponing the abortion one more week do?…the baby will just be bigger,he said. ” I then asked me: “Do you not want this baby?”…to which he did not reply. I walked back in the clinic and went through with a decision I will never live down-the worst decision and pain I have ever gone through in my life…no sedation..could feel the immense cramping…three hugs tugs with a loud suctioning noise as the life-a life, was being suctioned out of me. The hormonal shift-was something I cannot explain and will never forget. I prayed to God on the table to please forgive me…cried tears that just could not be held back-they just poured from me-my body shaking-my mind in another far away place-inconceivable grief-horrific shock and pain…unbelievable…how did everything Rog and I shared-all the love that was there just a very short while ago-how did it all disappear overnight?…from one extreme to another? The only answer that kept coming to mind was, DRUGS. The drug addict will always choose their drug over anything or anyone else-no mater what the cost.
Well…even after the abortion…I still showed him love and affection-I still tried to help him-tried to understand him…to no avail…he just grew more distant and cold with each passing day…told me eventually-after physically pushing me away when I tried to hold him…told me to move on…to stop man-handling him-told me I was too clingy…absolutely heart-braking…nothing like loosing a man you are in love with to drugs, overnight…and then-worse yet-loosing a 12 week pregnancy-a child, not to natural causes…but as a result of a sacrifice made over drugs…not knowing how I could get through the pregnancy on my own-no family to support me or friends close by -no job…just no support mechanisms…the plan was to have this wonderful life that Rog and I had spoken of and raise a child together-I was so excited for this…to have it all end up in coldness, despair…and a double loss-both Rog and the baby. The pain is unbelievable.
The weeks preceding the abortion…his continuing hot and cold demeanor with his worsening symptoms…happy and bouncy one minute…sleeping excessively the next-weight loss-not eating…constricted eye pupils…then happy and energetic again. My take was that he was not only doing Rx drugs and cocaine…but that he was doing heroine as well…and he admitted to shooting up these drugs as well…said he would buy clean syringes from the store; and apparently from his cousin…I ended up learning that he had been a drug user over the course of the past 15 years…what a revelation…this-his cocaine use-everything…he had had me so fooled-so blind-sided…just did not see all of this in him…did not see this coming at all-it all unfolded so quickly overnight with such devastatingly painful consequences.
Where I am at right now. He took off this last weekend to come down to his mom’s house two hours south of where we were staying. He was very cruel and disrespectful to me on Saturday-just not the Rog I fell in love with. I suspected when he left on Saturday, that it was not to just go and see his mom, but to spend time with his druggie friends and hook up. I packed everything up that Saturday night and Sunday-loaded my car up-knowing that Rog would only be home on the Monday evening. I took the invitation that Roger’s cousin and his cousins wife and offered me-in coming to spend time with them-I took them up on their offer, so that I could get away and move on as he had told me to. His cousin and his cousin’s wife are the black sheep of the family, because supposedly they wanted and intervention for Rog…but Roger’s mom and aunt believe that tough love and intervention is harsh and were not for it….thought that the cousin and his wife were being cruel to even suggest a tough love approach and intervention.
Anyhow Rog did try to text me on the Sunday night-probably felt a little bad for his cruel behavior on the Saturday. I did not respond to his text. I was supposed to stop by at his mom’s Monday morning-but did not-and he called me, wondering why I had not stopped by-telling me he would see me that Monday evening (which was this past Monday). I did not respond to his call or via text. His last voice message was Monday night which he said: “My goodness…this is not how I want to say goodbye…I don’t know where you are at-whether you are on the road-traveling across country or staying somewhere here in PA…you can call me and let me know…hope to hear from you.” Well…I did not respond and have not since…I mean…what do I have left to say to him…yes…I am still in love with him?…you don’t just fall out of love with someone overnight (unless may you are on drugs?). I mean…what is he thinking?…that I should be ready to just be friends with him…is this his last ditch effort to try to hold onto me somehow through friendship?….or is he perhaps feeling some sort of guilt that maybe if he texts me which he did tonight stating that he hoped I was settled in wherever I am-that he would not ask where that was(even thought he knows I am at his cousins-he aunt has told him), and that he is hoping I am safe…that maybe somehow, through this text that he sent to me earlier tonight-that just maybe, I would respond thinking he was being kind in caring enough about me through his concern for my safety? CRAZY…confusing. I did not respond to his text…will not…he needs to sit and stew and hopefully realize all the pain and agony he has caused-unbelievable.
So…I am trying to remain strong…it is so hard…some days i don’t feel like I will make it…other days-i scrape by-all while having only a few hundred dollars to my name-staying with his cousins-whom I barely know-with no other support mechanisms nearby, and no job as of yet. I just pray to God that I will get through this pain and grief and loss; I just pray to God for a miracle in Roger’s life-for the professional help that he so desperately needs-for a conversion or transformation.
Thank you for listening and for all the support.

Dee74

I'm sorry you had to go through all that - but thanks for sharing your story caterpillargirl - I know you've made the right call, however tough.

I know you'll find support here
welcome to SR

least

to SR! I'm glad you found us and joined the family.

Twofish

Dear Caterpillargirl, First Welcome to SR, we will give you support. Your story was so sad, yet familuar, keep posting and reading. We can be your family! TF

caterpillargirl

Thank you Dee74 and Least for the love and support through commenting and sharing...Yes Dee...I believe I have made the right decision in getting out and moving forward...and yes Least...I too, would rather live in my car with my dog than put up with any more chaos from an addict...I have my little Boston Terrier girl with me right now...she is an amazing comfort and joy to me...gives me a good reason to stay strong and keep going. Thank you again for the kind comments. I believe I have found a great place to share and gain support, and likewise-to offer support. Lots of love xx

caterpillargirl

Thank you TwoFish...finding amazing support on here so quickly...so glad I joined. Thank you for taking the time to read my story. Yes..it does seem that if is a familiar story to so many others-that pattern of addiction-the behaviors-the chaos...very sad...hopefully something good will come out of all the mess...just staying strong and keep my eyes on the path forward. Lots of love xx

resolute50

Welcome to SR,Caterpillargirl.

Sounds like you've been through hell, but made it through.
So glad you got out of that situation,don't look back and move on.
Is there any chance your mom will let you stay there till you get back on your feet?

I think now that you put all this negative BS behind you the caterpillar will grow wings and become a beautiful butterfly.

caterpillargirl

Thank you resolute...yes...ready to grow wings here shortly...still in PA...just desperately looking for work. I am glad I took the courage and made the break when I did, instead of delaying the healing time. It's been a turbulent mess...one I shall never forget...but one that has and will continue to make me stronger. My mom is in California and unfortunately gets a small SS check each month-can't help me much in terms of a place to stay-but she has not doubt been a huge mental support. Thanks again for your kind words and support...truly appreciated .

resolute50

Be sure to check out the Friends and Family of Substance Abusers forums.
There might be somebody there that has been in you situation and can give good sound advice.

Nattythreads

I'm so so sorry for what you've been through. It's uncomfortable reading but I thank you for having the courage to put it out there.

As an addict and a drunk, I'm sorry for the turmoil we create. For the deep emotional carnage that we inflict on those that love and care for us. I've spent a deal of time recently wondering whether addiction turns us in to snakes or whether it just brings out some sort of dormant snake. Either way, it's beyond unpleasant. For all of us, the husk we become at our lowest point is unrecognizable to us.

I got away- nay reveled - in being a "typical bloke" for so many years. Then as using and drinking takes its toll, you find that even the small things that people used to find endearing are unraveling, never mind the big things. And if you're lucky, you realize before it's terminal that you have just become this twisted, warped, f*cked up parody of what you once were.

Stopping the chaos by cutting off the drugs and booze is tough. But it's not nearly as tough as learning to live as a proper person again.

I hope you find the support and love you deserve to come through this. And I wish you peace and happiness, I really do.

Mizzuno

I am really sorry that you had to endure all of that chaos and loss. Taking care of yourself is the best thing that you can do right now. Its good to hear that you removed yourself from the situation. There is light through all of this. I am glad that you found SR and please keep posting and reading.

caterpillargirl

To Nattythreads: thank you for being so kind as to open up and share what your addiction has been like-to giving me/us a glimpse of what it feels like to be on the other side...it takes courage to step outside of one's self and to acknowledge the damage caused as a result of drug and alcohol addiction...I really appreciate your openness and courage. I pray for peace for both Rog and I. I am not sure what God has planned for each of us...I just hope something purposeful and meaningful will come out of all of this mess as a result of the the chaos and devastation and pain that his addiction-the choices he made and the behavior he exhibited have reaped in their path...I just hope the relationship will not be one of those that mean absolutely nothing...to go through all of that pain and chaos overnight, for the relationship to simply have been in vain. I pray to God that he will clearly reveal what the reason was for all this mess...and I sure hope it is for Rog at some point soon, to realize what he has done and lost...to hit his rock bottom...and get the help he needs. In all this said...the focus now is on trying to get a job and a roof over my head...because I had no job when this all unfolded...was literally thrown under the bus...trying to regain my footing-my independence-my life back...essentially...fighting for my life-trying to find a roof over my head for both me and my baby Boston Terrier girl...so that I can start to rebuild my life and come back stronger than ever. Thanks again for sharing and your input...very meaningful.

To Mizzuno: Thank you so much for commenting. You are so right: The time is now for me to take care of myself first and foremost. I did what I could to try to help Rog...offered to go to Alanon or AA or rehab with him...would have gone so far as to have taken out a loan for rehab if it got to that...because addiction is a life/death situation...and I only want the best help for him-for him to get professional help-that is what is so desperately needs. However...as family and friends and loved ones..we can only extend our help so much...and if the addict is in denial and refuses help...we cannot afford to cast ourselves-our lives-our sanity into the flames along with them and die with them...we have to at that point, save ourselves...and this is what I feel I am doing...saving myself from his nasty addiction and choices that he has made...and mostly-from all the devastation and pain and chaos that his addiction-his choices has reaped in it's path and will continue to reap, so long as he chooses to not get the professional help that he needs and continue using. Thank you again for your kind words...they mean so much.

Freebird13

Your story broke my heart. What a devastating thing you went through! I admire your courage to walk away. I hope that you can get on your feet and create a new life for yourself wherever that may be.

Keep in mind that addicts are incapable of loving anyone else because they hate themselves. A person has to love themselves before they can truly love others. Wishing you the best of luck!

caterpillargirl

Thank you so much for your loving response. My heart is still broken...will be broken for a long time; but I know something good will come out of all of this-I know God knows what that is...and I am trusting in Him that there is a reason why all this has happened...whether it is to eventually bring Rog to his knees or who know what...I know God's in control. I feel like many prayers have been answered this week already..to almost sleeping in my car this past weekend...to somehow being able to get help with some money and get a roof over my head for a few days...and then have a person respond to my add for a more long-term room for a month for a great deal-just to buy myself more time in Harrisburg to try and get a job...WOWWW!!!...I am in a little efficiency studio for the month-got a great deal on it...and two jobs responded to my resumes today with two interviews lined up...after having had no interviews except for one, for the past three months-amazing how God works. So I am crossing my fingers...I am just needing to get back up on my feet...would love to come back stronger than ever from all of this...and show Rog...that I have my life together unlike his...I just hope he comes to his senses at some point...realizes what his has lost-the chance to settle down and have a family with someone who loves him immensely...just hope he gets the professional help he needs from all of this...but I will not put my life on hold for him...I deserve better...just have to keep telling myself this...because the pain has been horrific-immense...loosing that baby...unbelievable...will have to live with that for the rest of my life...but it has only made me stronger all this devastation. Again...thank you for your kind words...so appreciated. Take care my friend.

jaynie04

I read your story last night and I was blown away by your strength and clarity. Often people stay way too long in really unhealthy relationships because they are scared of change. You sound like you have a very good sense of what you deserve, I am so happy you took care of yourself and didn't stay around and get hurt anymore. Happy you are here!

KristyCat

Wow caterpillar, you are a very strong woman!! To go through all that pain and chaos...I'm so happy to hear you are moving on from him and the whole situation! Leave that guy to rot away his own life, he's already done enough damage to you! Sorry if that sounds harsh, but what he did to you is despicable. I'd be angry more than anything and eager to get on with my life, away from all that.

Just be sure to watch out for those red flags with anyone you date next. I need to do the same. Protect yourself, you deserve to be happy!

longbeachone

Oh my goodness, you have been through he|| you poor girl. Your story is so sad and yet, these terrible stories happen every day, fueled by drug use, alcoholism and addiction.

I can only say what I would do in your place, which is to fly far, far away from this man. Save yourself. I'm so terribly sorry about the pregnancy. What a horrible thing to go through. Yet this man virtually forced that decision upon you. Addicts are passive aggressive co-Dependents on steroids. I don't see it changing. Once again, save yourself and get out. God bless you.

caterpillargirl

To Jaynieo4: Thank you for your kind response. Yes...as much pain as I am going through right now-the pain is unreal...I am trying to stay very clear and focused...trying to remember to separate logic from emotions so that I can keep moving forward and stay on track with this and heal. Thank you again for your kind words . To KristyCat: Yes...it is despicable what he has done to me and our child that we were going to have...extremely difficult to go through this overnight chaos and madness...he has caused so much pain and madness...I can only hope that somehow he realizes one of these days-just how much damage he has reaped in his path...I only hope that he will bare some sort of consequences for his behavior and actions...consequences that will hopefully make give him a huge reality check and turn his life around. I will definitely watch for those red flags...oh my goodness...the pain and anguish...it will be a slow healing process, but it has begun and I will hopefully be back up on my feet soon-I am just praying that I land this job that I interviewed at today-will know by Friday and update then. Thank you once again for your love and support and kind words-much appreciated . To Longbeachone: Thank you for your loving support and kind words-thank you so very much. I have flown away...am in a very good hiding place-safe...will not ever let him nor any one hurt me like that again...immense-overnight-shocking and horrific chaos and loss (the loss of our child-so terribly grieved by this-but will gain more strength with time and as they say-time heals). Yes...drug use, alcoholism and addiction...cause so much grief and destruction in peoples lives every single day...so incredibly awful and painful to go through. I just never saw this much pain heading in my direction-was so blind-sided and deceived and fooled by this man...but now I know...and the red flags will certainly be there in the future for me...just trying to remain strong and stay focused and move forward. Thank you again for you kind words-very appreciated. Love to everyone xxx...

YoungAndClean

Caterpillar girl thank you for sharing such intimate details of what's been going on since you got involved with an addict. For me it was good to see just how selfish, cruel, and chaotic this disease (that I have) is. Your story really touched me, it is so sad, and will inevitably make you a much stronger woman. I am so glad you are sharing with others all the weight thats been on your shoulders. If you can, it might be good to talk with someone in real life about all this, because although Sober Recovery is a nice non-threatening environment, it lacks a real human connection in my opinion. Thats just the way the internet and forums are. Ever thought about going to Al-anon, if you go you will find the kind of support you find here, but face-to-face. If I were you I would re-double my efforts to find work, even if it means working a job, or a couple part-time jobs that you are overqualified for. Good luck and welcome to SR. Keep your chin up champ

HappyHermit

Welcome and hope you stick around long enough to find happiness and hope, serenity and sanity, love and logic.....