Control
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: No where
Posts: 79
Control
Just wanted to ask a question about control. I find myself very aware of the fact that this is what I have done for years that now I am working very hard to contol my contolling. But do As have the contol thing too? This morning I was talking to my A about going to the noon hour alanon meeting. Just a simple statement "I wonder how many people will be there?' Because there was only a few there last week. that's it all I said. Well he starts telling me that he heard that there was another good meeting to go to and that is where I should go. We have one vehicle and it is like I have to go to the meeting on my own and won't ask for a drive anywhere else. This is my independence thing. I still find is so hard to ask for things. Even little things like to ask him to change his schedule to make it convenient for me. In all honesty he probably wouldn't mind but I am so used to doing things his way just to keep the peace. I think HE is the one that needs the help more so make it convenient for him, but that is not true I know. It is just hard to stop thinking that way. I told him I enjoyed the one I go to and it was convenient for me. I found it so hard to contol MY anger. I felt like just because he has been going to AA for 3 years does he know everything?? I did control it but I can't wait for that noon meeting.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Chillgal,
Sometimes a suggestion is just that...a suggestion. It probably won't be a big thing unless you want to turn it into one. Making something convienient is all part of a relationship...it is about give and take. We can feel so burned that we are afraid to make a move because it might be percieved as weak. It doesn't have to be that way. I am afraid you may not try the other meeting simply because he suggested it and that would be a shame. You don't know unless you try it.
Control can take many forms and one is becoming so defensive that refusing to consider what your mate has to say drives a wedge between you. You can always make up your own mind after listening.
Hugs,
JT
Sometimes a suggestion is just that...a suggestion. It probably won't be a big thing unless you want to turn it into one. Making something convienient is all part of a relationship...it is about give and take. We can feel so burned that we are afraid to make a move because it might be percieved as weak. It doesn't have to be that way. I am afraid you may not try the other meeting simply because he suggested it and that would be a shame. You don't know unless you try it.
Control can take many forms and one is becoming so defensive that refusing to consider what your mate has to say drives a wedge between you. You can always make up your own mind after listening.
Hugs,
JT
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Chillgal,
I pick my meetings and go. My A has decided to go there too. Thing is, the AA meeting there isn't a great one. It's hard for me not to say, "Why don't you pick a meeting that you get something out of instead of just a meeting that is convenient?" It's his business where he chooses to go to meetings. I go because the alanon meeting is great, and that's what I need. I make suggestions to my husband, but most of the time he decides to do something else, so I don't continue. My sponsor said that to say something once is a suggestion, to continue is nagging. I am not great at being assertive, so making suggestions I know will be ignored or disregarded is hard. Then I deal with my mind dwelling on what I think he should do. That's when I have to Live and Let Live. Hugs, Magic
I pick my meetings and go. My A has decided to go there too. Thing is, the AA meeting there isn't a great one. It's hard for me not to say, "Why don't you pick a meeting that you get something out of instead of just a meeting that is convenient?" It's his business where he chooses to go to meetings. I go because the alanon meeting is great, and that's what I need. I make suggestions to my husband, but most of the time he decides to do something else, so I don't continue. My sponsor said that to say something once is a suggestion, to continue is nagging. I am not great at being assertive, so making suggestions I know will be ignored or disregarded is hard. Then I deal with my mind dwelling on what I think he should do. That's when I have to Live and Let Live. Hugs, Magic
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
Ah, yes. I find it really hard to ask for help from anybody and I find myself bending over backwards to not ask my AH to do anything for me. Maybe I don't want to be dependent on him or maybe there have been so many times that I asked and did not receive that I don't want that disappointment again.
When people make suggestions to me, I've started saying "Good idea. I'll think about that." It doesn't mean that I will do it, just that I will think about it and decide for myself.
L
When people make suggestions to me, I've started saying "Good idea. I'll think about that." It doesn't mean that I will do it, just that I will think about it and decide for myself.
L
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: No where
Posts: 79
You guys are right. I guess when you think about it a little bit it is just a suggestion. I guess my anger is getting the best of me. At least I didn't show it. It really helps to see it in a different perspective. Off to a meeting in an hour. I think it just might do me some good.
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