Alcoholic and homeless brother
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Join Date: May 2013
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Alcoholic and homeless brother
I think I am going to need support and wisdom with regard to our adult brother's worsening situation. I am not as skilled at being compassionate and detached as I have had little contact with him over the years.
He has been homeless for over a decade and an alcoholic for all decades of his adult life (I believe). He lives in another state, alone and lonely. It's heartbreaking whenever I think of him and his life and situation. We are surprised his body has survived this long.
We recently lost our last parent, who was his main source of contact and who looked after him a little bit. He never asked for much. We keep for him a PO Box for contact, buy phone minutes so he can check in, sometimes arrange for clothing, but other than that he's on his own even during the harsh winter.
I saw him recently after we lost our last parent, and when he's not drinking he can be a kind, considerate, gentle soul, hangs out in parks, tries to make friends with dogs, is well informed and intelligent, and just tries to get by day by day and hour by hour. He has gout, stomach ulcers, is "slow" physically and mentally from a stroke and previous withdrawal seizures. His world is a very small one where his bike and batteries for a radio to listen to a daily radio program are super important, along with the packet of family photos he carries with him everywhere. He hardly eats.
He has bouts of anger and tried to come visit family a couple years ago via a 3 day bus ride. Didn't go well. He was on a binge and was insulting and obnoxious and cruel to everyone, family and public. He threw up all over the place. Got on a bus and went back to the town he's live in for over 15 years.
Earlier this year he got himself into detox in a month long county program but then didn't go to the halfway house and went back to drinking beer. He was drinking beer all day when we visited recently after the death.
Couple weeks ago he broke a bone and had to have surgery. We didn't hear from him after that until today when he called from the hospital and was delusional. We got the nurse to call back. Found out that before they could discharge him after the surgery he started coughing up blood from esophagus and while they were looking into that he went into alcohol withdrawal so they kept him there. Delusions are from the withdrawal. Not sure what meds he's on.
Might get an update tomorrow. I really don't know what we are going to do.
He has been homeless for over a decade and an alcoholic for all decades of his adult life (I believe). He lives in another state, alone and lonely. It's heartbreaking whenever I think of him and his life and situation. We are surprised his body has survived this long.
We recently lost our last parent, who was his main source of contact and who looked after him a little bit. He never asked for much. We keep for him a PO Box for contact, buy phone minutes so he can check in, sometimes arrange for clothing, but other than that he's on his own even during the harsh winter.
I saw him recently after we lost our last parent, and when he's not drinking he can be a kind, considerate, gentle soul, hangs out in parks, tries to make friends with dogs, is well informed and intelligent, and just tries to get by day by day and hour by hour. He has gout, stomach ulcers, is "slow" physically and mentally from a stroke and previous withdrawal seizures. His world is a very small one where his bike and batteries for a radio to listen to a daily radio program are super important, along with the packet of family photos he carries with him everywhere. He hardly eats.
He has bouts of anger and tried to come visit family a couple years ago via a 3 day bus ride. Didn't go well. He was on a binge and was insulting and obnoxious and cruel to everyone, family and public. He threw up all over the place. Got on a bus and went back to the town he's live in for over 15 years.
Earlier this year he got himself into detox in a month long county program but then didn't go to the halfway house and went back to drinking beer. He was drinking beer all day when we visited recently after the death.
Couple weeks ago he broke a bone and had to have surgery. We didn't hear from him after that until today when he called from the hospital and was delusional. We got the nurse to call back. Found out that before they could discharge him after the surgery he started coughing up blood from esophagus and while they were looking into that he went into alcohol withdrawal so they kept him there. Delusions are from the withdrawal. Not sure what meds he's on.
Might get an update tomorrow. I really don't know what we are going to do.
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Join Date: May 2013
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I'm not sure if we will be considering more than what we have been doing but that is a question we will have to grapple with. I know he's been hospitalized before and discharged back to the street. This latest turn of events is very new news, and there isn't much in the way of financial resources. Emotionally we are all depleted from grieving our recent loss, and we may not be thinking as clearly as usual.
Prior times that the family has tried to help him have generally turned out poorly, often with him being self-destructive and wrecking the situation (which I suspect is directly linked to him having accepted help --- he's very set on being pretty independent). Being out of state makes ground rules seem kind of difficult to monitor. And I'm new to having responsibility for these kinds of decisions.
For example, the rehab he got into earlier this year was entirely of his own doing. We knew it had to be that way otherwise he was even more likely to not make it through or not stay sober.
I don't think there are any obvious answers for us either.
Prior times that the family has tried to help him have generally turned out poorly, often with him being self-destructive and wrecking the situation (which I suspect is directly linked to him having accepted help --- he's very set on being pretty independent). Being out of state makes ground rules seem kind of difficult to monitor. And I'm new to having responsibility for these kinds of decisions.
For example, the rehab he got into earlier this year was entirely of his own doing. We knew it had to be that way otherwise he was even more likely to not make it through or not stay sober.
I don't think there are any obvious answers for us either.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Hello harvestqueen, I'm so sorry to hear that your brother continues in his self-destructive ways.
When the hospital calls again, is there any way you can ask to speak to the social worker on call? The social worker will likely have information about resources available for care for your brother once he detoxes. That conversation may provide you and the rest of the family with some options.
When the hospital calls again, is there any way you can ask to speak to the social worker on call? The social worker will likely have information about resources available for care for your brother once he detoxes. That conversation may provide you and the rest of the family with some options.
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Join Date: May 2012
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This whole world was recently opened up to us recently as well. The social workers at the hospital were so helpful. They have all the available resources in the community available. There are so many generous doctors, nurses, PT's, OTs and other companies and organizations that donate or provide services for free or at a very reduced cost.
We made the decision to bring our loved one home with us. He is at the end of what his body and liver can handle. I don't know if it was the right decision, but we just take it day by day.
Feel free to pm me if you would like to chat more.
We made the decision to bring our loved one home with us. He is at the end of what his body and liver can handle. I don't know if it was the right decision, but we just take it day by day.
Feel free to pm me if you would like to chat more.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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harvestqueen, My heart goes out to you, grappling with what is the fear of so many of us who love an alcoholic.
You are asking for ideas---here is mine---I would contact the AA organization closest to him (geographically) and speak to them...tell them the situation. and ask if they will send someone to do a 12th step with him. This is assuming that he is again on the "mend" by efforts of the medical staff. He will need to be in "right mind to to talk to the AA person.
This would be grasping at an opportunity for a miracle to happen. We pray for miracles and, sometimes, they do happen. It is said that another alcoholic can reach a person when all others fail. The "oldtimers" in AA will tell you that they have seen the m ost hopeless of situations turn around. In other words, there is always hope.
Another idea, would be to post this same thread in the section for alcoholism, here on SR and see if they concur, or, may have other ideas.
Also, ask the social worker at the hospital about the local Salvation Army program--they m ight take him in. If the social worker does not seem like she wants to agressively work
on this problem---do it yourself. (I have had mixed luck with overworked hospital social workers).
A question--he is of senior citizen age? As this increases the opportunities (resources) available to him.
Harvestqueen, please accept my sincere condolences in regards to your parent's passing. I lost my mother (last parent) earlier this year.
Let us know how it goes.
very sincerely,
dandylion
You are asking for ideas---here is mine---I would contact the AA organization closest to him (geographically) and speak to them...tell them the situation. and ask if they will send someone to do a 12th step with him. This is assuming that he is again on the "mend" by efforts of the medical staff. He will need to be in "right mind to to talk to the AA person.
This would be grasping at an opportunity for a miracle to happen. We pray for miracles and, sometimes, they do happen. It is said that another alcoholic can reach a person when all others fail. The "oldtimers" in AA will tell you that they have seen the m ost hopeless of situations turn around. In other words, there is always hope.
Another idea, would be to post this same thread in the section for alcoholism, here on SR and see if they concur, or, may have other ideas.
Also, ask the social worker at the hospital about the local Salvation Army program--they m ight take him in. If the social worker does not seem like she wants to agressively work
on this problem---do it yourself. (I have had mixed luck with overworked hospital social workers).
A question--he is of senior citizen age? As this increases the opportunities (resources) available to him.
Harvestqueen, please accept my sincere condolences in regards to your parent's passing. I lost my mother (last parent) earlier this year.
Let us know how it goes.
very sincerely,
dandylion
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Thank you for the suggestion to speak to a social worker at the hospital. I didn't know they had them.
He is not of senior citizen age yet.
I have researched that there is no homeless shelter in the town he lives in.
It's not a big "anonymous" city and he has been homeless there for many years and I think it is likely he may be known to people at the Salvation Army and AA. I recall hearing something about him having burned bridges with someone helping him at the Salvation Army back in what he calls his raging vodka days. Due to his stroke and seizures, he seems less hostile these days so maybe the Salvation Army is an option. He says critical things about them but it's not like he has many other options.
I assume there could be more facts about his past and his behavior that I am not aware of. I was only with him for a matter of hours on two days recently so that's a pretty narrow picture. He could have a lot more anti social behaviors than I am aware of.
He is not of senior citizen age yet.
I have researched that there is no homeless shelter in the town he lives in.
It's not a big "anonymous" city and he has been homeless there for many years and I think it is likely he may be known to people at the Salvation Army and AA. I recall hearing something about him having burned bridges with someone helping him at the Salvation Army back in what he calls his raging vodka days. Due to his stroke and seizures, he seems less hostile these days so maybe the Salvation Army is an option. He says critical things about them but it's not like he has many other options.
I assume there could be more facts about his past and his behavior that I am not aware of. I was only with him for a matter of hours on two days recently so that's a pretty narrow picture. He could have a lot more anti social behaviors than I am aware of.
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Am I in a situation where I would benefit from Al Anon, or would I be completely out of place there? I want to do what is helpful to me but I don't have energy to add things to my plate unless they are relevant and worth it. I'm pretty close to being emotionally wiped out.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Harvestqueen - I'm so sorry for the loss of your parent and the sad tale of your brother. You clearly have immense compassion for him, but are right in doing it in a detached manner.
Yes, please go to Al-Anon. It will help you work through the feelings you do have about your brother. I suspect you will find some stories not unlike your own.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
Yes, please go to Al-Anon. It will help you work through the feelings you do have about your brother. I suspect you will find some stories not unlike your own.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 220
Originally Posted by harvestqueen 
Am I in a situation where I would benefit from Al Anon, or would I be completely out of place there? I want to do what is helpful to me but I don't have energy to add things to my plate unless they are relevant and worth it. I'm pretty close to being emotionally wiped out.
I find the very short daily readings in "The Language of Letting Go" to be so helpful as well, when time is very short.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Dear Harvestqueen, condolences on the recent loss of your parent. Your story about your brother hits close to home. The only reason my brother isn't homeless is my parents took him in. But they are elderly, and I have no idea what will happen when they aren't in a position to continue caring for him. My brother has had numerous rehab attempts, numerous ICU visits. Somehow he is still surviving, I don't know how.
I can tell you that AlAnon is an immense help to me in dealing with him. I gain a lot from listening to others that have dealt with similar issues. I love SR, but the face to face discussions are important. I hope you try out a few meetings.
I have no words of wisdom to offer. I understand your struggle with your brother completely, and want you to know I care.
I can tell you that AlAnon is an immense help to me in dealing with him. I gain a lot from listening to others that have dealt with similar issues. I love SR, but the face to face discussions are important. I hope you try out a few meetings.
I have no words of wisdom to offer. I understand your struggle with your brother completely, and want you to know I care.
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Join Date: May 2013
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Posts: 130
I went to an Al Anon meeting. It happened to be a "beginner's meeting". Not that I know how that differs from any other meeting. I cried the entire time from before to all during the meeting.
I think I was adjusted to detaching somewhat from his usual situation of surviving day to day on the streets for years now, but now that his circumstances are potentially getting more grim and sad, my heart is breaking for him again. He's an alcoholic but he's human. I have already been grieving his eventual death (one day that will come and I keep thinking it could be around the corner). For years I have been resigned that he will not get into recovery and as far as I can tell I have no expectation that he will.
R2, it just seems to me that there are a lot of alcoholics who have a hardy constitution to begin with. How else could they survive all that poison so begin with. It mystifies me how my brother made it this far. He himself used to say that he didn't think he'd live past 40.
Thank you for the support. I do still feel like C$(&@(! but it helps to know I am not alone and isolated as we struggle through this.
I think I was adjusted to detaching somewhat from his usual situation of surviving day to day on the streets for years now, but now that his circumstances are potentially getting more grim and sad, my heart is breaking for him again. He's an alcoholic but he's human. I have already been grieving his eventual death (one day that will come and I keep thinking it could be around the corner). For years I have been resigned that he will not get into recovery and as far as I can tell I have no expectation that he will.
R2, it just seems to me that there are a lot of alcoholics who have a hardy constitution to begin with. How else could they survive all that poison so begin with. It mystifies me how my brother made it this far. He himself used to say that he didn't think he'd live past 40.
Thank you for the support. I do still feel like C$(&@(! but it helps to know I am not alone and isolated as we struggle through this.
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I haven't been back to an Al Anon meeting since that first one. I've been overwhelmed with work and family things. I got some interim support in person from family and counseling. I am about 75% positive about going back at some point. I think my psychic pain has lessened and that's why I've felt that I haven't been able to make the time for it.
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