woah...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Baton Rouge, LA
Posts: 2
woah...
Guys and gals, im new to this forum. Literally just signed up and under the information it asked for my sobriety date. Well im 21 years old, about to turn 22 in a month. As a younger male in high school I was always outgoing, very personable and all around a good guy and was looked up to. I was the last of my "friends" to try drugs and it started off with good ole' weed.
To give you perspective - I grew up in a hardworking church going family. I have two brothers and I am the middle one. The middle one is always the hardest one. I cant describe to you how much a close family and church impacted my life, my morals and my perspective on life. I am in a constant battle with myself. I know right from wrong. Growing up I never in a million years thought I would have ended up at this point in life. I still have friends- (some that do drugs and some that don't) I don't look down upon weed but for me the habitual daily use took 5 years out of my life. I started off taking Adderall (prescribed) and then smoked weed when I was a junior in high school. I tried Xanax the first time when I was a senior. I had a girl in my life that I loved and thought that someday she would be my wife. My grandfather met his wife in high school and stayed together 55 years until she died a couple years back. My dad met my mom in high school and have been together almost thirty years now. My brother met his wife during high school and they are still together after 5 years. My girlfriend left me and I was just graduating high school and on my way to college.
I have all these men to look up to that have done their part, worked hard and provided well and have a family. To me I feel a big weight of regret and guilt. I know im young still but I know how much more I could of done in those 5 years that I did drugs heavily. Anyways, Xanax was it for me, for some it would have them "stoned" but me, I loved it. I have gone through many Xanax "phases" It went from taking one every now and then to everyday, then to selling them. I broke down my freshman year of college (2010) after a long night of drinking and doing cocaine. I went to a rehab that was partnered with our local hospital. Anwyays I stayed there for two weeks, prayed, cried and wanted my family. It was strange to me. Obviously two weeks was not enough- I was out again smoking weed and drinking.
I changed colleges and moved out of state and that's when I started selling Xanax and really "lost" myself. I spent a year at college in M.S. and I remember the spring semester is when things were out of control. I was constantly lying, stealing, and doing what I could to stay high.
The semester was close to over and I had one last shipment of Xanax coming in. I just had this gut feeling, anxiety, etc... I read my bible and wrote a note to my family apologizing for everything. I had these pills coming in every two weeks and this shipment didn't feel right. I wanted to cry and hug my mom. Its funny to be a "man" but feel so weak and scared. Someone was watching out for me and the pills came and nothing happened. That day I was done with pills, done with weed. I called my mom balling and told her how much I loved her and that I was moving back home. Both my parents knew I used drugs- but as far as they knew they just thought I smoked pot every now and then. To this day they still do. So I moved home in May of 2012. I quit smoking pot for three months and started again and have been since. I quit pills for 6 months and started again and still at it.
I am a spiritual person and firm believer in God our savior. I suffer with anxiety and depression on top of the drugs and always thought they maybe they contribute to my pain but then I thought well it makes me feel better so why stop? Coming up on 22 years on this earth I realized that the past five years I haven't been sober (excluding 3 or 4 months) Memories fade, anxiety lives in me and my morals still stand strong.
I smoked the rest of my stash Monday and put the pipe away for good. I have been taking less than .25mg of Xanax each day to ease the pain of withdrawals. I am prescribed Xanax which is ironic and means I have a bad Doctor. I have one pill left in the script that I have divided into four days for my weed withdrawl.
I have been praying and trying to still keep focused on school- which is tough with so much going through my head.
I am surrounded by drugs, drinking and sex. All of these go against my morals. Trying to be sober in a city like this is tough. I have friends, church and family that can keep me strong. I know this message is all over the place and that's how I feel. To conclude- I want to be sober in every aspect as far as drinking, smoking and pills. I want to PERMANTLEY put pills and weed behind me and this is my first step. Drinking is not as big of an issue but only when i binge. I want to be able to drink socially at some point in my life but right now I want to get things straight with myself, family and God. I will start seeing a therapist oct 21st. I am supported most by mom and brother. I thank God for all the people in my life that try to help and for the people that support me. I realized when it comes down to it that love is the answer. Love myself ( treat my body right) love my family, God and friends and spread that love. Pay it forward I say. I know this is a lot of blah blah that has been said before but It feels good to put it out there and to have extra support. I thank God I found this forum as well. Thanks for the support. I hope I can stay strong and beat the anxiety and panic attacks that bring me to my downfall. Any words of encouragement are greatly appreciated. Sincerely,
Chuck
To give you perspective - I grew up in a hardworking church going family. I have two brothers and I am the middle one. The middle one is always the hardest one. I cant describe to you how much a close family and church impacted my life, my morals and my perspective on life. I am in a constant battle with myself. I know right from wrong. Growing up I never in a million years thought I would have ended up at this point in life. I still have friends- (some that do drugs and some that don't) I don't look down upon weed but for me the habitual daily use took 5 years out of my life. I started off taking Adderall (prescribed) and then smoked weed when I was a junior in high school. I tried Xanax the first time when I was a senior. I had a girl in my life that I loved and thought that someday she would be my wife. My grandfather met his wife in high school and stayed together 55 years until she died a couple years back. My dad met my mom in high school and have been together almost thirty years now. My brother met his wife during high school and they are still together after 5 years. My girlfriend left me and I was just graduating high school and on my way to college.
I have all these men to look up to that have done their part, worked hard and provided well and have a family. To me I feel a big weight of regret and guilt. I know im young still but I know how much more I could of done in those 5 years that I did drugs heavily. Anyways, Xanax was it for me, for some it would have them "stoned" but me, I loved it. I have gone through many Xanax "phases" It went from taking one every now and then to everyday, then to selling them. I broke down my freshman year of college (2010) after a long night of drinking and doing cocaine. I went to a rehab that was partnered with our local hospital. Anwyays I stayed there for two weeks, prayed, cried and wanted my family. It was strange to me. Obviously two weeks was not enough- I was out again smoking weed and drinking.
I changed colleges and moved out of state and that's when I started selling Xanax and really "lost" myself. I spent a year at college in M.S. and I remember the spring semester is when things were out of control. I was constantly lying, stealing, and doing what I could to stay high.
The semester was close to over and I had one last shipment of Xanax coming in. I just had this gut feeling, anxiety, etc... I read my bible and wrote a note to my family apologizing for everything. I had these pills coming in every two weeks and this shipment didn't feel right. I wanted to cry and hug my mom. Its funny to be a "man" but feel so weak and scared. Someone was watching out for me and the pills came and nothing happened. That day I was done with pills, done with weed. I called my mom balling and told her how much I loved her and that I was moving back home. Both my parents knew I used drugs- but as far as they knew they just thought I smoked pot every now and then. To this day they still do. So I moved home in May of 2012. I quit smoking pot for three months and started again and have been since. I quit pills for 6 months and started again and still at it.
I am a spiritual person and firm believer in God our savior. I suffer with anxiety and depression on top of the drugs and always thought they maybe they contribute to my pain but then I thought well it makes me feel better so why stop? Coming up on 22 years on this earth I realized that the past five years I haven't been sober (excluding 3 or 4 months) Memories fade, anxiety lives in me and my morals still stand strong.
I smoked the rest of my stash Monday and put the pipe away for good. I have been taking less than .25mg of Xanax each day to ease the pain of withdrawals. I am prescribed Xanax which is ironic and means I have a bad Doctor. I have one pill left in the script that I have divided into four days for my weed withdrawl.
I have been praying and trying to still keep focused on school- which is tough with so much going through my head.
I am surrounded by drugs, drinking and sex. All of these go against my morals. Trying to be sober in a city like this is tough. I have friends, church and family that can keep me strong. I know this message is all over the place and that's how I feel. To conclude- I want to be sober in every aspect as far as drinking, smoking and pills. I want to PERMANTLEY put pills and weed behind me and this is my first step. Drinking is not as big of an issue but only when i binge. I want to be able to drink socially at some point in my life but right now I want to get things straight with myself, family and God. I will start seeing a therapist oct 21st. I am supported most by mom and brother. I thank God for all the people in my life that try to help and for the people that support me. I realized when it comes down to it that love is the answer. Love myself ( treat my body right) love my family, God and friends and spread that love. Pay it forward I say. I know this is a lot of blah blah that has been said before but It feels good to put it out there and to have extra support. I thank God I found this forum as well. Thanks for the support. I hope I can stay strong and beat the anxiety and panic attacks that bring me to my downfall. Any words of encouragement are greatly appreciated. Sincerely,
Chuck
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
You have a lot on your mind sweetheart. How about..for now...we deal with right now and being clean and sober in your right now. How bout we start facing life in the now..and as it arrives..clean and sober. Try to get out of your past..AND ..your future. Be here..be with God...open and willing to do whatever you need to do to stay clean, sober and present..now.
Since your spirituality is dear to you, have you sought out 12 Step Recovery such as AA/NA?
Since your spirituality is dear to you, have you sought out 12 Step Recovery such as AA/NA?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,534
Hi Chuck! Welcome.
This is a great place for you to be. No judging. Everyone here wants to help and support you in your battle for sobriety. I agree with Nuudawn, take each day as it comes and try not to get ahead of yourself. Do you have a pastor who knows you well (maybe a youth pastor?) whom you could talk to till your appointment later this month?
As a mom, I am so proud of you for wanting to make this change. Imagine the impact you will make in a few months or years when you can tell this story and, in turn, help someone else.
Stick close to your family and to The Lord. They know you and love you unconditionally, they want what is best for you.
This is a great place for you to be. No judging. Everyone here wants to help and support you in your battle for sobriety. I agree with Nuudawn, take each day as it comes and try not to get ahead of yourself. Do you have a pastor who knows you well (maybe a youth pastor?) whom you could talk to till your appointment later this month?
As a mom, I am so proud of you for wanting to make this change. Imagine the impact you will make in a few months or years when you can tell this story and, in turn, help someone else.
Stick close to your family and to The Lord. They know you and love you unconditionally, they want what is best for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Baton Rouge, LA
Posts: 2
Dee74,
Thanks for the response. You raised a question that I haven't confronted yet. I have been without drugs (weed and pills) successfully for 4+ months in my past. I know that might not seem much but for a habitual user for five years it was a good accomplishment. But its hard to say I accomplished something that I have slipped back into. I am a strong individual and have quit drugs completely on my own on multiple occasions which is hard for others to do. My will is strong and so is my support. I find myself battling my own morals on a constant bases. When you said that I thought about my girlfriend that drove me to the point of insanity and also where I put a lot of fault in my drug use. Although when it comes down to it I am my own person and make my own decisions. When dating her- she kept me in line. She was my high in life and between her, family and God I was pretty content in life. That's the last time I felt like things were working for me and in my favor. I think for me- the first step is to get sober, closer to God and family. Then to follow up on it with a Christian support group and also AA. I usually will start off with a good foot and continue on that path until I think I have things under control and end up using again and laying in my on anguish. I know some people find faith and love in things other than God but for me he is my rock, just like my family. Staying connected in faith and spirit will keep my mind right. God made Sunday a day of rest and worship for a reason. Every time I go to church my week ends up being well. Its a way for me to get "plugged" in and re energized. I have faded so far away from faith that I find it hard to turn back to him and I always see myself only turning to him in times of need. I haven't had a steady relationship since the girl that I thought I loved left me. Since then I just have been "sleeping" around which goes against my morals. I pray to God I can meet a good Christian girl that I can share my life with and progress through life.
Thanks for raising the question. What do you think?
Thanks for the response. You raised a question that I haven't confronted yet. I have been without drugs (weed and pills) successfully for 4+ months in my past. I know that might not seem much but for a habitual user for five years it was a good accomplishment. But its hard to say I accomplished something that I have slipped back into. I am a strong individual and have quit drugs completely on my own on multiple occasions which is hard for others to do. My will is strong and so is my support. I find myself battling my own morals on a constant bases. When you said that I thought about my girlfriend that drove me to the point of insanity and also where I put a lot of fault in my drug use. Although when it comes down to it I am my own person and make my own decisions. When dating her- she kept me in line. She was my high in life and between her, family and God I was pretty content in life. That's the last time I felt like things were working for me and in my favor. I think for me- the first step is to get sober, closer to God and family. Then to follow up on it with a Christian support group and also AA. I usually will start off with a good foot and continue on that path until I think I have things under control and end up using again and laying in my on anguish. I know some people find faith and love in things other than God but for me he is my rock, just like my family. Staying connected in faith and spirit will keep my mind right. God made Sunday a day of rest and worship for a reason. Every time I go to church my week ends up being well. Its a way for me to get "plugged" in and re energized. I have faded so far away from faith that I find it hard to turn back to him and I always see myself only turning to him in times of need. I haven't had a steady relationship since the girl that I thought I loved left me. Since then I just have been "sleeping" around which goes against my morals. I pray to God I can meet a good Christian girl that I can share my life with and progress through life.
Thanks for raising the question. What do you think?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
Many people find a strong faith is helpful, and living by the tenets of that faith is helpful - others find they need to do more than that with AA and other things...a mix of those is probably a good basis to start from 
I do think though that the best relationship you could have right now is with yourself and with God.
This is your battle and your responsibility - not someone else's.
I found it best to get myself in order before I offered myself to anyone else
I agree 4 months is good - it's great - but the fact you keep going back to using shows maybe there's a underlying problem you haven't go to grips with yet?
Only you can give name to that problem I think and once you do, you can start to do something, finally and forever, about it.
D
I do think though that the best relationship you could have right now is with yourself and with God.
This is your battle and your responsibility - not someone else's.
I found it best to get myself in order before I offered myself to anyone else
I agree 4 months is good - it's great - but the fact you keep going back to using shows maybe there's a underlying problem you haven't go to grips with yet?
Only you can give name to that problem I think and once you do, you can start to do something, finally and forever, about it.
D
to SR! I'm glad you joined the family.
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