Why I am weak
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Indiana
Posts: 133
Why I am weak
I was 115 days sober until July 26th when my mom called me to come to her house. My 24 year old baby sister had died in her sleep from positional asphyxiation...basically she had a seizure and fell between her bed and wall and choked. Needless to say, I was/am devastated and quickly picked the bottle up. Today is October 2, and I feel I need to get back on track and quit feeling sorry for myself..My sis would have wanted it that way. I let myself down and used her death as a reason to drink. I don't want sympathy, I just needed to verbalize this so I can get back to a sober being. I'm broken, but boozing won't bring her back.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,554
Hi Sillyboy. I'm very sorry about what happened to your sister - I'm sure you're right - she would never want to be the cause of you picking up again. I'm glad you're determined to get back on track.
I always fell back on drinking to cope with things - but I finally realized it never helped. We get numb for awhile, but the grieving still has to happen, & it's best to deal with everything clear headed. I'm glad you realize that.
I always fell back on drinking to cope with things - but I finally realized it never helped. We get numb for awhile, but the grieving still has to happen, & it's best to deal with everything clear headed. I'm glad you realize that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Indiana
Posts: 133
I must say, the last 2 months were horrible. Wanting to drink all the time, my mind looking for ways to stay home and drink, making excuses to stay home away from people so I could drink..Ugg, that's a horrible existence.
Perpetual Optimist
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: LA
Posts: 1,371
Beating yourself up for picking up will only add to your grief. Something DEVASTATING happened in your life, and your normal defenses against booze were weakened. It happens to the best of us. It happened to me last week with marijuana, and I don't have any excuse other than the fact that a joint was passed in front of my face and I took it. I was really disappointed in myself, mainly that I had to start back at zero after a MUCH shorter (16) day count. I remember how ****** it felt to go back to zero, but only enough not to allow it to happen again.
Someone told me that NOTHING will ever be able to take your sober time away from you. 115 days is HUGE, and you'll get them back in no time. Honoring you sister's memory by staying sober is the best thing you can do for yourself. Your sister would be proud. Sending love and prayers!!!
Someone told me that NOTHING will ever be able to take your sober time away from you. 115 days is HUGE, and you'll get them back in no time. Honoring you sister's memory by staying sober is the best thing you can do for yourself. Your sister would be proud. Sending love and prayers!!!
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
I am so very sorry for such a terrible loss. Such an event so early in your sobriety would test anyone's mettle SB. I wouldn't be so hard on yourself as to the why's of it all. But it is time, as others have said, to honour and grieve the loss of your sister. What you are facing is painful and tragic...but she deserves your honest emotion to be felt for her loss.
I'm so glad you have signed back in here.
I'm so glad you have signed back in here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Indiana
Posts: 133
Thank you Br00ksie, and all of you. I will say, this site is more helpful than I ever thought. I go thru the motions but never commit until I come here. Here, I am able to document it and be held accountable, without judgment. That helps more than you know.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
sillyboy, i'm so sorry for your loss. I can totally understand your wish to crawl into a bottle. your decision to jump back out and sober up again is wonderful! It's going to be a tough road. feeling stuff without the aid of booze kind of sucks. but you very well know that the bottle sucks more.
I bet your sister would be proud of you right now.
I bet your sister would be proud of you right now.
Realising my life
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Dorset, England
Posts: 3,656
Oh, Sillyboy, I know what it can be like to lose a sister 
But great decision to get back to being sober. Those days will soon mount up again. I look forward to reading your posts of progess
But great decision to get back to being sober. Those days will soon mount up again. I look forward to reading your posts of progess
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