Black Bird

I was talking to my husband about how I would like my recovery to go.
I made sure to tell him over and over I am not leaving AA.
I want to keep going, and do the steps which I need to tell my sponsor I really need to get on that asap!
I told him I would like to seek spiritual direction from someone from my faith.
And I would also like to see a counselor.
He was fine with all that and made me feel that I was making good decisions.
Then he said, "But you better stay in AA, cause I won't have it if you don't."

That pissed me right off! Everything was grand until he said that. I feel so out of control of my own life, I feel like I can't trust my own feelings, I feel like a sick, broken loser!
I need to have some control over my recovery, am I not surrendering? I don't know!!

Also, I have been an Alcoholic drinker for 2 years. Yes, two years too long. I have made good choices in the past, and my thinking seemed to be fine. Now my whole being is that of alcoholic. Frankly, I'm sick of it. Those two years were hell, I get that. But I also put up with a lot of BS from my husband when he was a heavy drinker. But, he can pick up and put down when ever he feels like it. Maybe he is a dry drunk. Who knows.

As I type this I am insecure about what I am writing. Is it right thinking, or is it sick aalcoholic thinking? Ugh, those words make me cringed! Sorry for the rant. I am open to any advice, and what anyone is "hearing" in what I wrote. This has been a crap day.

awuh1

Remember that in the first months, and even in many cases for a while longer than a year, your emotions may be quite volatile. Yes, the pink cloud may have lifted but you can look forward to a degree of emotional stability arriving with time.

That being said, what your husband said to you would have p***ed me off also, (and I strongly believe in AA). Notice that your husband was telling you he wanted you to do something you had planned on doing anyway. I think that what got under your skin (and what would have gotten under mine) was the feeling that his insistence in you being involved in AA seemed like it took some amount of control away from you, which (if you are like me) generated a certain amount of fear and anger. The steps will help with that.

Hang in there. It will be OK.

Mountainmanbob

just a little secret between us
you plan on continuing with your AA attendance anyway
we go because (we) want to

just let it go and keep doing what you need to do

sounds like he has his own issues - as we all do

Mountainman

wakko

I look at people with 20+ years of sobriety and they are still active in AA. I resigned myself this will be my life and maybe I can help a few people along the way. We do not graduate we stay sober a day at a time

longbeachone

I don't know your husband, but mine gave me an ultimatum too, and yes, it infuriated me. But time has given me perspective, and I realize that I put my husband through absolute hell. Telling me that I had to stay in a program gave him a tiny bit of control over a terrible situation.

Getting sober was the greatest gift I ever gave my husband. Our 28 year marriage is so rock solid now that it feels like we're one person sometimes. My advise is cut him some slack.

jesternudder

It would have made me mad too. In fact as recently as yesterday my boyfriend, knowing full well how seriously I am taking my commitment to not drinking, started in on me for at least the 35th time about my final binge 17 weeks ago. Finally he said "I'll believe it when I see it!" I told him to keep his eyes open then but to do it with his mouth shut.
Anyway I don't really blame our loved ones for being skeptical but
and the only recourse is to carry on with what WE have decided to do for ourselves. (So THERE, skeptics! Heehee)
Hang in there and do it for you! :-)

Johnston

Does your husband still drink? Your post is a little ambiguous in that regard. If he wants you in meetings then I would think he could also abstain in order to support you, or at least keep booze out of the house.

JaylaaKent

I wouldn't talk to this person for a few days -you are going to have to build some walls to obtain some peace - trust me nothing will make you feel like a failure faster than someone riding your @$$ and threatening you. By all means recovery as a chore works so well - NOT.

I go to women's meetings a lot at AA - and before I joined AA - heard the same thing about men - same dance, just different song. Makes me never want to marry again. Doesn't seem like a lot of fun. Control, ultimatums, conditions, geee - where is the "me" in this "we"?

Br00ksie

It's always annoying when people tell you things about yourself that you already know, let alone that you just expressed! Your relationship with AA and the 12 steps is just that- YOUR relationship. You know what you want to achieve in sobriety and AA meetings are a great way to support and explore your sobriety goals.

Just like you have feelings about your drinking, being your husband, he has feelings about your drinking also. Try to remember that he only wants you to succeed, even if he has a crappy way of expressing it. Continuing to go to meetings and, as you learn more about your needs and limitations, letting him know in a constructive way what he can say/do to support you and what he says/does that isn't supportive in your recovery will be helpful as well. I am realizing that I'm in AA for life, and I can't let anything get in the way of that without risking relapse. Hang in there! This too shall pass.

Bruce292

Don't allow one angry comment to derail you. Sometimes people say things that we interpret in a way that has nothing to do with what the speaker meant. I've found that a small dose of forgiveness goes a long way.

BarbieKen

. For myself, I built a big thick wall....made up of wine bottles and wine boxes. OP, I would suggest discussing this with your Sponsor. Bobbi

Dee74

Maybe your husband is scared, a little upset, and, if he's anything like my loved ones he's probably at the end of his tether with all the promises of quitting etc from us.

I don't think there right or wrong here - recovery is jhust as rough on our spouses as it is on us...it's just how it can get to be after a while.

maybe this is his way of trying to have some control in the situation?

D

Black Bird

Thanks so much guys. Wow, today was hell that came out of no where! I felt like my brain and thoughts were all scrambled up! My husband quit drinking when I went into recovery. No alcohol in either of our lives. I must be getting better, because after I posted this my husband and I were able to have a normal conversation. I really wanted to blame everyrhing on him, and everyone in the world. How easy that would be! But very devastating. So we acted like mature adults. Yay! Lol
I called my sponsor and she talked me though all of this. I feel so much better. And my gosh it's so great to post here when I feel like a lunitic and have people comment and help like everything is normal. Lol! Going to bed grateful tonight. Thanks so much!

DayTrader

I'm just pointing out the obvious here:


When you said it, it's ok--
When he says the same thing--
it--
I know what you're going through. Best advice I can give you, work through those steps as thoroughly and quickly as you can......and be willing to re-do a lot of it too. I had to go through them several times before they really started to sink in.

On the other side of that work is recovery --- and arguments (or whatever you want to call it) won't happen again. Early on in recovery I probably would have lashed out in the same manner. Being honest, my experience proves that's exactly what I used to do.

I would have gotten angry (note the wording, I would have gotten angry.....someone else can't "make" me angry) and would have been hurt. While I understand and can empathize, I don't have to act that way anymore and life's muuuuuuch more peaceful and enjoyable as a result. The same deal's available to you.

Mizzuno

Your not a lunatic. These thoughts and feelings are ones of a human being who is working hard at life right now.From what I read, your husband sounds fearful that you may leave AA. He needed to express it. You DID say that you were continuing AA and needed to get on the steps. I can understand the anger. I think that you are on the right path. Keep walking forward.

Mcribb

one of AA's gifts is always asking how to be of service. In situations like this I really try hard to be of service to my family. It helps me not focus on my emotions, but more on what I can do for other people.

Black Bird

Good advice Mcribb, and everyone. Yesterday I felt like I wanted to blame! Blame anyone but me. Being of service does get you out of those crazy emotions.

AlefVavResh

It does seem like an annoying comment when you just expressed that you were already going to *do* that. However, here are my two cents.

I lied to my husband right in his face for years. He had his own form of a painful reality check when I fessed up (about 30 days in) to all the hidden bottles and lies. Thankfully, he had seen such improvement in me, he still supports me. But his first words were - "It will take me a while to forgive and fully trust." In the meantime (now at day 43) I'm still going to AA and my face, demeanor, and "old sparkle" continue to improve. . . . But if I were to go down that road again, we would be done. And how can I blame him? I wouldn't want to be with someone who could look me in the eyes and lie. . . . So maybe it was an annoying control move on his part, but he may have been feeling like he had no control over a part of his life for a long time. He'd like to make sure you know, "I'm not stupid enough that I'll put up with this again."

Anyway, it looks like you've returned to a good place, but in case there is something useful in there, I shared.

wakko

As my sponsor says "I'm not allowed in my head without adult supervision." The longer I am sober the more convinced I am that this is a thinking disease not a drinking disease

DoubleDragons

While I understand your upset with your husband, BB, on the other side of the coin I sometimes wish my husband would be more upset with me. (I really wish my Dad would be more upset with my mother) I know that only the alcoholic can change themselves when they are motivated to do it, but it is easier to stay in a bad place when you are enabled. I announced to my husband (who is not an alcoholic - he drinks a few beers on the weekends, sometimes) that I planned to quit entirely. He was supportive but then told me that I am too hard on myself. I really wish he hadn't said that because my AV started going, "See, you are being silly. You are such a drama queen. You already have cut back . . . . ."

I guess there are two sides to every coin.