Hurting4324

My boyfriend had just gotten out of rehab for the Oh I don't know maybe 4th time since we have been together and he was doing very well. He had one bad night maybe 4 days after being home and he did the unthinkable. Something he said he would never do, he sold his tv and dvd player that I had given him. The next day we went to a meeting and he shared. He we everyday. He made it 12 days until he got a phone call that one of his friends relapsed and he went to go check on him. Well checking on him ended up he used r right along with him. The other night I overt heard him talking to one of his roommates who smokes weed and sure enough he did that with them. Last night her had the hardest time trying to fall asleep that if He just had some perks. I asked him if he had been getting high on s regular and he said not today or yesterday. It's one day at a time. If I want to get high I'm Guna get high. Today I spoke to him about what he said and reassured him that is ok for him to have that lifestyle but he knew from day one what I wanted. I'm torn because I love him so much but I know just doing it once in awhile isn't going to work.

Anna

Welcome,

And, you're right, your boyfriend is doing what he wants to do.

I hope you take care of yourself and do what is right for you. There is lots of support here for you.

Nuudawn

I'm sorry...he sold the tv/dvd 4 days out of rehab...for drugs? Is that the unthinkable is? Or did he relapse after 12 days? Actually...it's alright.

I'm afraid his priority at this time..is the substance. You have stayed with him through thick and thin therefore he can just go about business as usual ..right?

You have two options. You accept his addiction and get support for yourself on how to cope with the lies, broken promises, missing valuables, anger, unreliability, unpredictability, spoiled holidays, job losses, DUI's, maybe being the breadwinner...in addition to random emotional and perhaps eventual physical abuse.

Or

You leave and get support for yourself on how to recover your life, mind and spirit whilst learning how to not make such a punishing choice in a partner again.

Hurting4324

Thank you for your responses. I have heard both sides. The side you Nuudawn, have described and the other where people do get better. Anna, thank you the TV and DVD were just materialistic things. that doesnt matter to me. Now he only has a oh idk 20' old tv and no dvd player and no cable just the basic channels that we get in our area.

It bothers me because we do love eachother very much. So much that we see and talk about forever, babies, marriage. He just got a great job finally! one that will end up being a career. There is that uncertainty for me. I have been to meetings and heard people share and they are describing him perfectly. Almost everyone of them said this happened to them. They had something drastic happen in their life that said i am completely finished. IDK. Im so stuck. I wish the big guy would just tell me directly what to do. This trying to figure out life sucks.

least

to SR! What's wrong with letting him deal with this on his own? Without involving you, I mean. I can't see much of a future with someone who relapses four days out of rehab. And as to having babies with him.... I'd think long and hard about that. Why not separate temporarily while he decides which he'd like more: you or drugs? He can't have both without sacrificing your peace of mind.


Do check out the friends and family forum for more insight.


Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Hurting4324

Thank You Least.

You are correct about him dealing with himself and that is one thing I am letting him do. I have made a decision to let him do as he does and I am going to start doing for me. I am not going to leave him at this time but because I have seen a big change in him from months ago. Also Some people wouldn't understand when I say this but for some reason I am meant to be here with him. I am the type of woman that would have left a long time ago. I am a very strong woman who has been through unimaginable things and I can manage on my own. There were a couple of times that I had walked away but by my own choice ended back with him. And those times were not because he was asking me to come back it was because for some reason I felt I needed to go back. I live by the saying "everything happens for a reason"

He just started a really good job. This job can and hopefully become a life long career with real honest money. For some reason I really feel that he will wake up and realize life is not that bad when you are sober. Or something. I have seen a lot of success cases and I know a person can stay sober. Its just that they need to want to be sober not told they have to be. That could be one of the mistakes is that I threaten and he does it for the wrong reasons.

Thank you for the suggestion about the friends and family forum I will definitely check that out.

Nuudawn

I apologize Hurting as there was something I left incomplete in in my post. Yes, people do get better ..they're are plenty of us here doing just that. I'm in recovery. What I meant is..he is unlikely to change doing what he's always done whilst you keep the home fires burning REGARDLESS of what he does. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Sometimes we have to lose what is dear to us....life has to get real uncomfortable to smack some sense into us.

It is loving behaviour to not tolerate watching someone destroy themselves. Many people die of alcoholism whilst someone cooks them dinner, keeps the house clean, tends the children etc.

What I was trying to say is ...you learn to love and accept what is OR you leave and give him the space and discomfort to perhaps save himself. Love him enough to not watch him die.

MythOfSisyphus

Welcome! I would agree, you have to give some tough love. You can't make someone change but you can create consequences for them. If he does whatever he wants and you stay that just shows him things aren't really that bad.

Take care of you first, Hurting4324. Sometimes you have to be "selfish" now to be selfless later.

jutam

The way I treated my partner when I was in addiction was not good... and I went to rehab twice and failed, and gave up other numerous times and failed, until this time when I desperately wanted it. However, it took my partner to leave and for me to fall even lower and create even more damage , until I got it. You don't have to give up hope. But sometimes your not helping your loved one by putting up with it either.....
good luck to you both and welcome

Hurting4324

Thank You for all the input.

The one thing that is also hard in this situation is that he lives here away from all family and friends. He knows no one and his only support is me. I mean really the only people he knows in my area are drug related. Is there a way to do all that you all have suggested without leaving him all alone?