anotherfool

I've been looking back, at my history, and discovered the very things that got me involved with this last girl, have been an overarching theme throughout my life. Both friends and lovers, I've always been attracted to people with problematic histories.

I'm trying to figure out the "why" of it, and haven't come to anything solid yet, but I have observed, that, one point of attraction, is that when people confide deep dark secrets to me, it signals a level of trust, and maybe authenticity I find absent in much of life.

From a removed perspective, it looks like self-sabotage 101.

doggonecarl

And a little bit of the White Knight syndrome.

Ann

It's one thing to have a good heart.

It's another to try to be a "fixer-upper".

We codies sometimes have trouble discerning the difference.

For me, I had to learn to fix me first and I can tell you, that was a lot of hard work. But it helped me make healthier decisions in my life.

Hugs

blackandblue

I am right there with you AF. Broken men- bring 'em on! It's a possibility that we are trying to fix the brokenness in others to avoid fixing the brokenness in ourselves. Everyone has some level of brokenness, but it's up to each of us as adults to do something about it.

bluebelle

That's a good point. I believe that is one of the issues with me. It's easier to work on others -- think I know best what they need, than to work on the issues within myself. Along those lines, I have self-esteem issues, so I think I feel important if I feel needed. I believe I also feel that if I'm needed, I won't be abandoned. I equate feeling needed with being loved.

It has been said on here that "like attracts like." If we are healthy, we attract health people.

anotherfool

I think that, consciously, I gave up on fixing people long ago, but somehow, it stayed there under the surface, just waiting for the right opportunity.

Hopefully this self-exploration will help me discover what I need to change to create better outcomes.

Chino

Same here but, for me, it was more about not wanting to feel alone in my own brokenness. Birds of a feather and all that. I knew I was broken but I was stuck there, secretly hoping and wishing that someone else would fix me. The longer I was stuck, the more broken crap piled on top of all the rest.

These days, I don't cultivate relationships with anyone that isn't willing to fix themselves.

sevenofnine

confiding in me=authenticity check.
if they need me they wont abandon me check.
like attracts like check.
needed=loved check.
fixing others to avoid ourselves check.

yup. uh huh!

sick of it, time to change.

anotherfool

Addicts are particularly hazardous, because when they confide/confess, the authenticity feels so gritty, bare, raw.

But as soon as they get what they need (enabling), anything that could ever be labeled "sincerity", just evaporates.

blackandblue

AF- that "sincerity" is addict quackery and is the manipulative tactic addicts use to maintain their addiction. Whether conscious of it or not, they do and say only as much as they need to in order to keep you hooked and strategically trapped in the web of addiction. It's a matter of survival for them. Just like our need to be needed.

What happens when an addict goes into recovery? First, we rejoice, and then when they are getting better we start to feel abandoned. We get to be the rescuer one minute, and the next, they are better and don't need us anymore. Yikes!

If the addict ever recovers, you will either be the person associated with their addiction who helped them be an addict, or the person who had the strength and courage to say to hell with this. Just have to make a decision what side of addiction you want to be on- for or against.

People that take care of themselves are more available for relationships and life in general. Let's all try and be those kind of people just for today!

Twofish

Hello, AF, your post was so true! I have always wanted and attempted to be a "fixer" or to fix broken people or their hearts. Maybe that's why I became a nurse? I can't help it or control the urge to fix or get involved in broken dreams or people. I thought I was alone...I'm glad this thread was started, I'm not alone after all. TF

incitingsilence

Omg it was so much easier to say look at him he is sick and so miss I wasn't all that right either.

But in the work I also found that when we met he was an open door as well to drugs, even though I was done at that time anyway, there was some sick comfort in that. I don't know if I wanted to fix him then at that time. we were both running anyway in so many ways, and liked each other enough to run together.

MiSoberbio

Put down the microscope and pick up the mirror. I am just as "broken" as anyone I've tried to fix. I was attracted to people who had deep wells of pain in their souls because I am just as damaged.

On so many recent threads here I've seen so much pride, so much blaming, so much denial... I can't say that I'm above that, because I certainly started off on my road to recovery with a mighty big, obnoxious, self-righteous chip on my shoulder. And I can definitely see it now, in myself and others, with just a word or a gesture, and it seems to stem from a societal stigma we have about illness.

To be ill does not make one bad, nor does it turn you into a saint. Morality has nothing whatsoever to do with illness.

COUNTLESS times I've seen new people in my groups start out by pointing fingers at their addicted sons, daughters, husbands, wives, brothers, sisters, friends, lovers, mothers, fathers – OH, HOW HE/SHE HURTS ME!!!!! I've now been involved long enough to see that those who have really started on their path to recovery have not only accepted that their loved one is ill -- they accept that THEY are ill, as well.

AND IT'S NOT LIKE CANCER OR BEING PREGNANT!!!!!!!! The HUBRIS that consumes some of us, MY GOD! And the unwillingness to really WORK on yourself. PICK UP THE MIRROR! It's hard, it's UGLY, it's exhausting, but it's the ONLY WAY to start to heal from all the crap that we've each been through and that brought us to this site. If you are here, SPENDING YOUR PRECIOUS TIME reading these threads, whether you're a parent, a child, or a partner, you have work to do on YOURSELF.


[This post is not necessarily directed at the original poster -- it's just a response to the general theme of recent threads.]

MiSoberbio

I should have said "magnifying glass" instead of "microscope"

overit263

I am too. My issue is that I come screwed up, but don't realize that someone else that comes from screwed up isn't in the same place as I am. I'm still naive because I don't realize when people are on drugs because I'm so anti drug, I can't understand why they are acting messed up and it really doesn't sink in because I don't understand why someone would throw their life away for drugs before speaking up and asking for help. No more! Tons of ME time for the next year! - Okay, me and my pets- time!

HealingWillCome

I like broken men. I have always chosen them to be the ones I give myself to the most fully. My college boyfriend, later my husband (now my ex-husband), and most recently my on-and-off 5-year alcoholic/addict boyfriend.

On the outside, not one of them appeared to be broken, but I still managed to attract them like a magnet. Narcissistic/codependent relationships waiting to happen.

In my last relationship, a talented counselor helped me to figure out that I was trying to heal abandonment wounds left by my alcoholic father. My father had left me, but if I could get a similar man to love me and never leave me, then all would be well in my broken soul. Of course that never happened.

I'm almost 50, and have a happy, blessed life. It has taken a lot of hard work to discover where I want to be in my next relationship, but if I am fortunate to ever find the last and best love of my life, I am thankful for all of learning that those other relationships have brought me.

chickaree777

I haven't read all the replies yet, but just wanted to chime in. I am the same. I have been looking at my past relationships and the recurring theme in every single one is that the person I loved was "broken" somehow. In fact, on the way home from my appointment with my therapist last week I was thinking about how I'm almost in love with my husband's pain. His painful story is beautiful somehow, and when we met I loved the potential I saw in him and loved how he had experienced so much etc. I see now how I've fallen in love with the potential of people through the years. Not THEM as they are in the moment, but how they COULD be. And I suppose I have also felt that I personally could help them heal, change or better themselves. That's where my own pride comes in. I'm working on realizing that it is not my role to fix anyone, or even help anyone - unless it's unconditional helping. If I have any of my ego involved I am going to back away... I'm hoping I can fall for a different type of person the next time around.

atalose

I think it comes natural and easy for us to focus on and get all caught up in someone else's life and issues then it is to look at and address our own.

Misoberbio said it best!!!

Water seeks its own level. When I am attracted to get involved with someone else's issues I have to stop myself and see what my own issues are first because there issue is a mirror shining on me and some where inside of me something needs to be looked at.