roomsforall

My ex and I split up in my May. We had a tumultuous relationship--I am an alcoholic and he has his own issues (psychiatric issues and less severe substance abuse). I was drinking throughout the last year of our relationship and really went off of the rails after we broke up. Anyway, after an initial period of accord, we had a numerous unpleasant exchanges over the summer. I finally hit bottom at the beginning of September and got sober again.

I sent him an email at this time, because I realized that I had treated him horribly. Whatever bad feelings I had about his behavior pale in comparison to how awful I feel for treating someone that I love so badly. He never responded--I didn't expect that, and I don't expect to have a romantic relationship after all of the trouble I have caused. (For example, he was called to the ER after we broke up, and I made him cry by saying that I didn't need him. I tried to apologize later, but I was still drinking regularly, and I was, of course, incapable of saying anything that wasn't partially BS.)

I want to write to him and apologize again, with 30 days of sobriety. Is this a bad idea? I want to let it go, but I feel so terrible. I was in such a bad way for a long time. I'm know I can't change the past, but will writing to him now be hurtful? I just want some perspective. Thanks.

SparkleKitty

Just my opinion, but I believe that if he wanted to be in touch with you, the door was already opened by your last email, and he chose not to walk through it. He knows how to get in touch with you, and if you are truly concerned with his feelings, you will allow him to take the next step (or not) on his own timetable.

Congratulations on your 30 days sobriety; that is a remarkable accomplishment. I am sorry this situation has you in a down state of mind, but part of recovery is dealing with emotions that were previously suppressed by addiction. I think this is one of those times where reaching out might ease your pain, but at the cost of opening a wound for him. Good luck to you on your journey

roomsforall

Thanks for responding, SparkleKitty.

Yes, I do see what you mean. I guess part of me just wanted to apologize again with some sober time, because it would mean something. Maybe that's just in my head.

Thank you for the perspective. It is very painful, but whatever it is to me, I don't want to make things harder for him anymore.

Recovering2

I agree with SparkleKitty. You already apologized, he chose not to contact you. If you truly care about him, then leave him alone for now. Stay focused on you. Are you in AA? Do you have a sponsor helping you work the Steps? You will find as you work the steps that things fall into place when they should, and you will have more clarity about the whole situation. You will learn to deal with the emotions you are now feeling in a healthy way.
Best of luck. I truly hope you have continued success with sobriety.

lillamy

Rooms,

I have a somewhat different perspective on the contact with an ex issue, but I think it may be valid?

After I left AXH, I desperately wanted him to see things from my perspective. I desperately wanted to contact him because if I could get him to see things from my perspective, then I wouldn't have to feel guilt-ridden and anxious all the time.

I think what you're wanting to do may be similar, in that you're wanting to contact him not for his benefit (you already apologized) but for yours. Because you feel burdened.

One thing my therapist told me was this: Any time you want to do something but you're not sure if it's a good idea -- take a pause and consider: What are you wanting to accomplish? What would make the end result "successful" in your book? Given your past interactions with this person, what is your best guess as to the odds that you will accomplish that result? And what repercussions will it have for your well-being (or sobriety) if you don't get the desired result?

I'm no expert but I'd think that at 30 days sobriety, nobody would blame you if you kept the focus completely on YOU.

roomsforall

Thank you, Recovering2. It's really helpful to hear this.

I'm in very intensive therapy right now (4xweek). I really am committed to doing this for myself. I guess I'm just sad that this is how things turned out.

roomsforall

@ lillamy

Thanks so much for the perspective. I guess I have a hard time understanding who this would be for even though I have thought it over. It certainly wouldn't be easy for me, and I don't imagine that he will respond. I don't expect him to respond. In the best case scenario, this reaches him and relieves some of his feelings of resentment towards or disappointment in me. I know that he lets his feelings eat him up, and I know that he lets his anger fester.

But... I also doubt myself, so I wonder if somehow I'm not doing this for myself? I really want to show him that I see *his* perspective? Does that mean I am doing it for myself?

If it isn't clear to me that it's right, then maybe it's too soon.

funkynassau

I say if you dont know what to do, dont do anything. Then you dont get it wrong! I apply this idea to all parts of my life and it seems to work for me.

roomsforall

Doing nothing is something, too.

Tuffgirl

Great responses so far! Congrats, Roomsforall, on 30 days. That's awesome. Want to really make a positive impression on him? Make your amends to him next August, with a year sobriety under your belt.

In the meantime, I'd suggest letting this go and letting him heal, while you focus all of your energy on you and your own recovery.

I know you feel badly about how you treated him. I get that, and if I were in your shoes, I would too. But this is a time where it is perfectly acceptable to find your own forgiveness. If you forgive yourself first, your apology to him will be that much more sincere, when the time is right to make it.

And when that time is right - do it face-to-face, if he will allow it.

Keep up the great work!
~T

CarryOn

Congratulations on 30 days of sobriety, such an awesome accomplishment!

I think you received some great responses here...and I'll add my $.02. When RAH was drinking, all I wanted to hear was an apology and his understanding of how his actions were affecting me. Now, what I want to see are his actions - that he is seeing his counselor, attending meetings, working with a sponsor and working the steps. For me, the real apology will be in his recovery work and the ways he chooses to live his life and it is too soon to tell (RAH is four months in). When discussing this at one of my meetings, a wise & experienced participant told me "don't say sorry, live sorry".

Keep taking care of yourself; it really sounds like you are doing great.

roomsforall

Thanks, Tuffgirl. I really appreciate your thoughts.

roomsforall

Thanks to you also CarryOn.

I think that you're absolutely right about "living sorry." My ex and I probably won't get back together in this lifetime, but I do still love him and truly make amends.

All of these responses have been so encouraging, and I'm really grateful to everyone who shared their thoughts. I plan on keeping up the good work. You are all great and really brave.

Lyssy

My mom gave me similar advise years ago. She told me "if in doubt, don't" I too have applied this to all areas of my life and never regretted following her advise.

roomsforall

Well, I concede that it is good advice for *some* significant aspects of my life!

Lyssy

Forgot to say congrats on 30 days!

BlueSkies1

Congrats on your 30 days, that's wonderful.

Remember lucy and Charlie brown and the football? How she promised she wouldn't pull it out from under him this time?
I hope you hear what I have to say with understanding.
We don't believe you aren't going to pull that football out from under us until you have proven that trust with a year of sobriety.
Give yourself that time.
Give him that time.
If you still feel that you want to, once that year is complete, approach him again. He will be far more willing to trust you are not going to pull that football away, and that your words are sincere.
If you work the steps, step 9 might coincide with a year of sobriety, although the steps aren't a checklist to mark off, they are ongoing for life.
That's not a bad thing.
New realizations come to a sober mind all the time. Aha moments, lightbulbs being lit up.
Guard your sobriety with your life and realize that there is nothing urgent about amends to him, it's ok to wait, it's ok for a talk to come later.