souper

Hi everyone. It's been a while.

Anyway if you read my story, last year, around this same time, I discovered my husband was using something. Still not sure what. He said it was mostly just pills. He quit. I saw him go through withdrawal. Fast forward one year later...

Things have been much better but honestly I feel like I am losing my mind.
This addiction mess is just crazy! Since then I've been watching him like a hawk.. The whole "watch his behavior not his words" and we had a few times where I thought something is going on again but how will I ever really know!?!? It drives me crazy but I am trying hard to not focus on him and his problems although that's hard to do because I'm his wife. I don't want to be trying to "catch" him or look through his stuff. There is no trust what so ever since then. But we have 4 girls and he loves them, so I put aside those feelings and move forward.

When I said "things have been better" I meant that he doesn't have those "going to Walmart in the morning to get some items for breakfast" and gone for over an hour...walmarts 2 min away... So that's good. I don't see those frantic sweating sessions anymore ( I assume those were when he needed more pills..?)

A week ago, my daughter was going through our dresser looking for coins. I noticed a pill on the floor in front of the dresser. I assume it feel out from there when she was taking coins out. It was a Vicodin. I asked him about it later and he kind of laughed and asked what pill? His explanation was that its from before. "It's from a year ago". Realistically from what I've read, addicts don't just forget about their pills. But of course I want to believe him. And I don't want to argue with him which is pointless anyway.

I started reading up online about all this addiction and got really scared again. I think I do more harm to myself when I read stuff. I begin to associate everything I read to him and I start losing my mind! Does this happen to anyone else too? I am wondering if things are actually not so bad and I'm the one with mental issues!!! Lol! After reading I'm imagining my husband doing all sorts of crap and seriously I'm going insane! I better lay off the reading of other people's addiction behaviors!

I would like to hear anyone's thoughts on this... Please. I'm at that point where I don't know what to think.. Is he? Isn't he? Grrrr! Lol!

Thanks for reading.
Soup

Hammer

Yeah.

Their crap can make *us* crazy.

Funny how that works, huh?

You need to get out of his crap.

You know why it is called "his" crap, right?

Because it is HIS crap. Not your crap.

But gotta tell you sister, sounds like you have plenty of crap of your own -- at least right now.

You know where the crapper is? Where you can start getting rid of some of your crap? Have a pretty good one at Alanon from what I have seen.

jjj111

Soup, how do you know your husband quit? Did he go to rehab or join NA? The vicodin on the floor is mighty suspicious to me. It sounds like you are exhausted by the what-ifs, so I hesitate to mention this, but there are some pretty clear physical signs that someone has been using opiates. Maybe one of the most reliable is that when they are high, the pupils of their eyes get very small, even when the person is in a well lit room.

Anyway, I don't think you're going crazy, it sounds like reading online just brings you closer to admitting that maybe your husband is still using, and that is a terrifying thought to you.

Maybe it's time to think about where your boundaries are regarding addiction. It might make you feel more in control. Will you live with an addict? Will you tolerate lying from a spouse? Do you feel comfortable allowing your children to live with someone who is using and dropping pills on the ground? Only you can say what you are willing to tolerate. Unfortunately, it may be very hard to get the truth from him, but if he is using, it will start to show without you having to do too much detective work. He will be out of it, money will be disappearing to feed his addiction, unless he somehow has health insurance and is getting prescriptions. It's the old "if it quacks like a duck, it's a duck" thing.

AG2013

I agree with Hammer. Alanon is a great group. You dont have any control over what other people do. You can only make choices. Choices to let your husband know your there for his support and that you trust him to be honest with you. You may be letting your mind run wild in fear which is not healthy for you or your family. Try to live more in the moment and focus on what is actually happening in front of you rather than playing detective. Maybe the key is making sure he never feels guilty or ashmed having to tell you if he slips up. Hang in there!

souper

Thanks guys for responding. I know I need to work on my issues! For sure! I'd be a lot more at peace if I worked on me instead of working on him! It's still a work in progress.
Jjj111 I don't know if he really quit or not. He said he did. I saw him go through withdrawal at home. He didn't go to rehab or anywhere. No meetings nothing. I highly doubt he ever would. In our family/culture/ community this is somewhat new or very well hidden. He won't want to expose himself by going to rehab or something like that. Only some of his family know and couple from mine. It was embarrassing enough for him to have his mom talk to him about it.. He avoided her for a while. Anyway I agree the pill is very suspicious and also that sooner or later if he's using again it will show. I just hope to somehow help him before it gets out of hand. I am staying with him. I don't think I should leave. Plus it's scary to think of being alone with our kids. I am trying to talk to him but its difficult because he works away (trucker) for a week at a time and usually is busy. He'll be home tomorrow and I will talk to him about boundaries.
I tried talking to him earlier and he got upset. Didn't like the "addict/addiction" conversation. "I'm not doing anything so I don't want to talk about it"
About the signs: his eyes are dark, so it's difficult to actually see the pupil. And they always seem small to me... I don't know. If they are always small, is he always high? What other signs?

souper

Thank you AG3013, you are probably right. Thanks for the advice there was a time this past year where I had a tooth pulled and had hydro condone prescribed. One day I had two missing. I asked him about it and he told me that yea he took them. Said he had a stomache issue ( has these episodes once in a while where his upper abdomen area hurts really bad) and he took one and then another one later. Said he didn't want to tell me right then because I would freak out. So yes I will work on being supportive so that he's not hiding things from me.

jjj111

Soup, my sister is addicted to opiates, and I have dated addicts, and one thing I have discovered that helps to give me peace of mind is to accept, as much as possible, that I have no control over another person's struggle with addiction. I, too, am a work in progress, and often I slip on this, but I do believe that ultimately I can't force help on an addict--the desire for help has to come from inside them, and they have to find that help for themselves. All I can do is protect myself from the roller coaster of loving someone who is an addict by setting healthy boundaries. When I feel a need to police the addict and figure out when/what/how much they are using, I try to remind myself that I can't control or cure someone else's addiction. All I can do is decide what kind of behavior I will and won't tolerate. Just my experience.

LoveMeNow

I think your gut instincts are trying to tell you something but fear is keeping you in denial.

Most active addicts aren't going to tell you the truth, they need to protect their addiction at all costs.

souper

Thanks for replies. Jjj111 I'm sorry about your sister. I have a brother who struggles with addictions in addition to my husband. I've been getting a lot better since last year. I do remind myself that i can not change him or cure him. But I don't think talking to him will hurt. I don't think reminding him will hurt. I can not stop talking/ encouraging him completely. But ultimately I believe he and God can only change him. It's hard though.

Lovemenow you could be right too. I usually have a feeling when something is wrong.

I do wonder where he is getting money to buy anything? Or when he does he buy anything?
Usually he's working away from home and I talk to him pretty much the whole time while he's driving home from work (3hrs away from home) and when he's home we are with him the whole time... It's weird.
I just keep hoping he is different then what I've read about and that he will have that "moment" and realize that he's going down hill. And that he's not lying to me... I definitely will continue to pray for him. I know I can't make choices for him.

souper

So... that didn't go well!

Called husband last night, we talked. I tried to get through to him on why I am bringing the drugs conversation up. Because of the pill I found. It's completely normal to ask someone e about it. In my opinion. But he was pissed off and tired of this conversation, he's adamant that he quit and not using. He actually blamed me! Because of the way I treat him! Of course I was shocked! I can't believe he's so blind, which just makes me believe he is using because of this messed up thinking. I didn't yell but I did get my point across that I was not the one abusing alcohol then drugs. My reactions before may have not been nice but totally understandable considering I had to deal with his problems. He didn't say anything after that.

He needs to be picked up today 3 hrs away. His car broke down. He spent the night in the semi truck and will call me when he wakes up since he go there at 2am.

I don't want to go. Let him walk.. Yes that mean! I will feel bad soon but I'm upset still that he doesn't see the big picture.

souper

I see that (from reading other posts) being with an active user is not safe or a good idea and everyone says to leave the addict. This is the whole problem! HOW do I know!? It's all very confusing. All the symptoms and a lot of the signs that I read about can very easily fit someone who is not using or never used drugs. Before I knew about his addiction, I would have never guessed. I just thought he didn't love me anymore. Now I know better in hindsight. But currently. How do I know? Do I wait it out until there is no denying it? *sigh*

I wish it was more simple to be able to see and know and then go from there.

interrupted

Just trust your gut, and watch the behavior. Sometimes it really doesn't matter whether there are drugs involved, drug use does not excuse bad behavior. A relationship with someone who doesn't love you, or acts like they don't love you anymore doesn't sound like a rewarding relationship, regardless of drug use.

I'm concerned about the opiate drugs on the floor with your children around, I'm glad you were there when she found the pill, that could have been an extremely close call, depending on what age we're talking about.

crazybabie

I'm concerned about the opiate drugs on the floor with your children around, I'm glad you were there when she found the pill, that could have been an extremely close call, depending on what age we're talking about.
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I was thinking the same thing I seriously doubt that pill is from a year ago addicts get rid of everything why hang on to it?

Always go with your gut ... Have you tried Nar-anon or Al-anon yet?

overit263

What I've learned...TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS! The evidence is right in front of you and NOOOOO addicts never lose track of their pills!!!!

pravchaw

I think you are obsessing over him and it is not healthy. Even if he using, is it affecting you negatively? You cannot change him. It has to come from within. If he is a good husband and a father let him be. You have made your point. Remind him again when the time is right. You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

If he not mistreating you there is no cause to panic. Not all users are addicts just like not all heavy drinkers are alcoholics.