Sasha4

I gave up drinking on 14th of Feb 2012.

I do not crave a drink in anyway shape or form.
I don't work a programme of recovery either - I mainly come here and its worked for me.


However, just recently, I have been strange thoughts.
Almost like the opposite to the 'pink cloud'.

I can only explain it as I have had a sudden realisation about how bad I was with drinking.
How bad I was with my family, my work, especially my work and my relationship in terms of my behaviour, my conduct and the way I treated people.

I feel shame, disgust, sadness. Awful, awful feelings and crystal clear memories of what was said to me when I was drunk or had been drinking too much and they spoke to me the next day. Things like 'you should not get yourself in that state, you are at work' for example. Or someone saying 'oh my goodness your not drunk for a change'.

I am over 18 months now without a drink.
Did anyone else go through this?
Is it part of the course to do this?
These things happened over nearly 5 years ago too.
But they are still so raw and fresh and I don't have the absolute truth about what happened, because I was blackout drunk.
Its like tiny snippets of information that randomly torture me my popping into my thoughts everyday.

There are 2 episodes/drunks I am still very ashamed of and I have not confided in anyone to see if I was as bad as I thought I was. Part of the reason why I have not mentioned them to anyone is I am still so disgusted with myself. I want someone to reassure me that I was not that bad, but then I am never going to know the truth of what happened and all the awful details.

I think about these times, all day every day.
I cannot bear to thing that until the day I die, my brain will torture me everyday and make me think of these times in my life.
I can't carry on like I am.
It is making me so unhappy.

Thanks for reading xxxx

When will I forget these episodes or learn to live with them?

SkyeSea

Hi Sasha. I'm prone to bouts of depression and at those times, all sorts of stuff from the past comes back into my head (not just drinking episodes). Do you think you might be a little 'low' in general at the moment? x

Dee74

I think you have a lot of other things in your life right now that may be feeding your self loathing Sasha?

I can't do anything about things I did 5 mins ago let alone 15 years ago.

I can do my best right now tho - and I try to.
I know you do too

D

Zazzzzz

Hi Sasha.

I've been beset by what your'e talking about my whole life, drinking or not. Flashes of memory will come to me all the time about something embarrassing I did, or something hurtful someone said, or some shameful moment. Doesn't matter what I'm doing at the time, they pop up out of nowhere and I'll run through the experience over and over in my head. It can be pretty painful.

I think it's important to remember that other people don't think about us and the embarrassing things we've done nearly as much as we think they do. That shameful moment I remember from 5 years ago with such clarity? No one else ever thinks about it, or if they do, it's rare. Not only that, but if I become better through sobriety / eating healthy / focusing on being productive, if they see me or hear about me again they'll most likely think, "Good on him. He got it together." You can shame yourself in many ways, but if you leave it in the past and focus on getting better, people will almost always give you respect and credit for moving forward. What's done is done. Torturing ourselves over it is utterly pointless.

This article talks about how thoughts really don't matter at all -- they're not real to anyone but us -- so why replay that memory over and over? Here's a relevant quote from the article:

The people who saw us embarrass ourselves aren't remembering it over and over, we just think they remember it as often and as strongly as we do, and that's where the pain comes from. That's why we keep feeling the hurt and embarrassment from something that happened years ago. We forget most people have their own problems, their own embarrassments.

This is what I've found works for me. Over time, the old wounds have felt a lot less raw than before. This might be happening to you now because you're depressed at the moment, or it's something you need to work through. As someone who's been clinically depressed my whole life and experienced this since I was a kid, I've found some of these realizations really helpful.

SkyeSea

Zazzzz - what a brilliant post!!

awuh1

Well this is one of those very rare times when I have to disagree with Dee. You cannot change the past, but there are things you can “do” about it.

This seems like one of those situations where simply not drinking is insufficient to address past drunken behavior. Your situation seems tailor made for the 12 steps. It’s helped so many to address just this type of thing. I would suggest you find someone who has sponsored lots of people (typically someone who has been in AA a long time) and begin to address this stuff. It is often the case that an experienced sponsor has heard most everything and can help much more than you realize.

If that suggestion does not seem tenable, consider speaking with a mental health professional. They also might be able to help. Take care.

wakko

This is why AA works for me. It taught me how deal with the wreckage of the past, and to deal with life on lifes terms. Putting the plug in the jug is only the beginning if we want to lead a happy sober life. The is a huge differance between abstinance and recovery

Mizzuno

Sasha,
I do think that there is a lot of stuff that may be happening in your life that is contributing to these thoughts. There is nothing that you can do to change what has happened, but you can walk forward ensuring that these things never take place again.
These thoughts have been with you for awhile. Are you seeing a counselor? This may be a step in the right direction.

fini

Sasha,
it took me a long time to see the extent of this thing (alcoholism), how it had invaded all over the place and made things screwy. and for me, that wasn't specific memories as much as it was seeing how awry my perspectives were/are in all kinds of areas and relationships.

When will I forget these episodes or learn to live with them?

looks like you're learning to live with them right now. remembering them is part of learning to live with them. "forgetting" them might feel better for now, but likely (in my case, anyway) "forgetting" just carries on the pattern that drinking served so well.
a couple of things that kept keeping me in shame and self-disgust i took care of by speaking to the people involved and doing what i could to make things right. that might be an option you could pursue...clean it up.
other stuff....i figure is my burden to carry. still working on that. somehow continues to go to my level of acceptance that i'm the person who did a, b and c. and that it wasn't good, but that i'm not doing it again or any more. self-forgiveness is tougher for me at times than to ask others for it. hm.
why is it happening now? dunno. maybe because you're ready for it? sometimes, i think, memories don't come up until we don't need to "protect" ourselves from them anymore...could be entirely wrong there....

foolsgold66

I disagree that you don't work a program. I think not drinking, reading and posting here and thinking about your actions and feelings and trying to cope healthily is a program.

You may never forget. In fact, your brain continuing to repair itself may be why these things are popping up anew, or on your mind a lot.

You must make your peace with yourself somehow. Some do this with AA steps, others perform acts of redemption, others simply never live that way again.

Talk therapy of some sort may help you. THis is NOT just a drunk affliction, people that have never had substance abuse problems often have issues like your current feelings.

Jeni26

Hey my friend. I totally understand having regrets. I have them too. I've behaved in ways that the sober me can hardly recognise, I was a different person then.

I've made my peace with myself now for the most part. That isn't to say memories don't resurface from time to time which can still bring a lump to my throat. But they no longer dominate every waking moment.

I shared those experiences of my worst behaviour with someone who was non-judgemental. I have made and are continuing to make amends to those people I hurt. I live every day the best way I can and do the right thing. I try to be honest and have integrity and be true to myself.

You see Sasha, I think the person I hurt most was myself, and part of moving on involved forgiving me.

You are a kind thoughtful person to others, a great Mum, you work hard and have lots of love to give. Those are the best qualities. You seem to be caught in a spiral of negative thinking which may be due to all the other stuff going on around you.

To move forward, you need to let go of the past. Hard I know for some of us, but you deserve to be in a better place. Self-sabotage and punishing yourself for stuff that can't be re-written will keep you trapped.

Maybe time to talk to someone who understands? Thinking of you my friend xxx

ReadyAtLast

Hi Sasha

I understand as also did some bad things, both at work and in my social life with family and friends. As others have said, the past is gone,there is nothing that can be done to change it.

I know you have many unresolved issues in your life at present. Do you feel you are concentrating your energies on the past so as to avoid dealing with issues that need facing in the present.

Nuudawn

Ya know sometimes some form of repentance is good for the spirit.

Repentance is the activity of reviewing one's actions and feeling contrition or regret for past wrongs. It generally involves a commitment to personal change and resolving to live a more responsible and humane life. This typically includes an admission of guilt, a promise or resolve not to repeat the offense; an attempt to make restitution for the wrong, or in some way to reverse the harmful effects of the wrong where possible.

As Awuh mentioned this can be worked out through the AA 12-step process. It can also be worked through some sort of spiritual elder, pastor or priest in a religious context OR within the secular context can be worked through with a clinical professional (I have gotten much from the latter).

I am a firm believer that healing occurs when our stories our told to compassionate, non judgmental ears.

I don't have any idea why this is coming up for you now...but I just thought I'd throw in my two pennies.

Sasha4

Thanks for your replies.
It was great to read them all when I came home yesterday.
I had a hospital appointment with not so brilliant results, but still...

I feel very, very sad today.
I do take antidepressants and other medication for anxiety.
I have had counselling.

I feel sad about all the trouble my drinking has caused.
It impacted in my relationship, my family and my career.
I made people truly unhappy.

I have had extensive counselling.
I am trying to get a grip on this. I seem to take 2 steps forward though, 3 steps back.
I think my best way to deal with all the feelings is to keep my head down and keep my self to my self.

I wish I could have had a glimpse into the future when I was in my teens.
Before the drinking took off.
It would have saved a lot of heartache.

I cannot believe I am approaching 40 and dealing with this. Not what I imagined.

Thank you all for being here for me.
You make such a huge difference for me.
The place I would be in if I had not of found SR would be even nastier than now.

S
xxxx

LadyBlue0527

I used to spend a lot of time thinking about the horrible things that I had done and what people must think of me. Then someone told me this quote:

“You wouldn't care so much about what people think about you if you knew how little they did”. ― Phillip C. McGraw

This plays right into Zazzzzzs post.

We can be our own worst enemy when it comes to judging ourselves.

james872

Sounds like a grieving process. The timing isn't the issue. People are different in many ways and for you it happens to happen now.

You need to give it a place. That takes some processing.

I know what you mean. I too have done things I deeply regret and hurt people with my words. And some things were just embarrassing. I can deal with the embarrassing stuff. It only involves me and I just don't care.

What I do care about is when it involved other people and the misery they had to go through because of my drinking.

That's something that did happen and there's no way to feel good about it. That's how life works. The problem begins when you feel bad about it in a problematic way, however that is: feeling it too heavily, it consuming you all day long, etc.

There's a healthy way of feeling bad about it. And perhaps your grieving process will get you to that point. Otherwise I recommend some mental help to deal with these issues.

Be well!

J.

Threshold

Hugs Sasha.

Many people have told me that meditation helped them with the situation you describe. Or some other sort of spiritual practice, something that teaches us to be present in the now, rather than missing it due to being trapped in the past or obsessed with the future.

For a more rational/scientific approach. You are not who you were then. A lot of the actual material in your body, what it is made of, is not what it was then. Old materials are shed, new come to take it's place.

None of us are who we were an any time in the past. We did what we did then, based on who we were, we do what we do today based on who we are. We easily see this with children, but have a harder time accepting real change in ourselves or other adults. But the reality is, kids do what they do because of limitations of what they know and the experiences they have had, and it is true of us as well.

You have since awakened to new understandings, you have changed. you are capable of making different decisions now, and choosing different behaviors.

Also, we never really know what effect our choices and behaviors made on others. What looks inarguably negative...may have had outcomes that were on down the line life changing positive in someone else. And vice versa. I am not just trying to rationalize our bad choices and turn a sow's ear into a silk purse, it is just the reality of things.

My brother was blinded at age 21, newly married with a first child on the way. Tragedy! Ask him today and he will tell you it was the best thing that ever happened to him. He had quit school, had what he considers a dead end job, drank and partied WAY too much and was a stink to his wife.

All of a sudden he got the worlds biggest wake up call. Went to school, learned to face some hard realities, I mean totally changed his life and is now doing a TON of good with his life.

He was blinded in an accident that was most likely the result of poor choices of others.

We just never know.

I know it is not easy as turning off a switch, but what sober life is about is reality checks. And even when it comes to guilt and shame, we need to "get over ourselves"...like an earlier poster said, chances are no one else is that upset or obsessing over these things because well, we just aren't the center of the Universe...thank goodness.

Hugs...it does get better, you are not doomed to suffer this forever.

Mizzuno

Sasha,
I am going out on a limb here when I say this but, do you think that the antidepressants may be contributing to some of this head space?
I can only speak from my own experience but when I was on a antidepressants the beginning months were great. Then after awhile the depressants started to do the opposite. The antidepressant was not working any longer. So, I went off of the medication with supervision and my head space cleared dramatically, and I mean it was like night and day.
I am not saying that you are going through this, but I am saying that I know that this head space has come up before with you. There is unresolved stuff happening. I am wondering if talking to your doctor may help?

On a side note, sometimes there are no answers to the things that have happened. We have to accept what has taken place and let it go. You are not that drunk person any longer. You have made leaps and bounds into a new life.

Hopefully, I did not offend.

Sincerely,
Mizzuno

Nuudawn

Really didn't think I would have to start growing up at 46 either. If I was to start dwelling on the past 25 years and what I did or didn't do...well, I would likely start scouting out tall buildings.

It's as simple as this Sasha...our thoughts, create our emotions. Spending time much time in the past OR future does not serve me whatsoever. I spend a lot of time in my sobriety learning to deal with my nasty head. I will not get too much into my circumstances right now, but well..they ain't perfect. It started to get me down the other day and I decided to view my self in my life like I was a movie character and the thoughts started to amuse me. Middle age woman gets her sh*t together! Think Tina Turner in "What's Love Got to Do with it" lol..

I also spent a lot of time trying to "reframe" situations and mental pictures. It takes work..not gonna lie. My head has been cause of much of my misery in life. In ways,I know escaping my head was impetus for drinking.

As Mizz notes, perhaps the med's are no longer working or doing more harm than good. If you can muster it, you might want to pursue knowledge of cognitive therapies.

Your head is the problem..your thoughts are the problem. Now how do we change the thoughts? That's the trick and the work that needs to be done...immediately.

foolsgold66

I hate to hear you are in such pain. I know in another thread you discussed wanting to know what you did in you blackouts and most of us advised you to let it go and not inquire.

Though I would still advise most people the same, maybe that isn't a path YOU can take successfully.

The consensus opinion isn't always right for all.

Maybe you really do need to know to heal.