isitme

I’m actually looking for some outside advice. I started going to Al-anon about a month ago and have been going about 3 times a week. It feels very comforting and I do think in the long run it will really help the way I relate to the world. At the time I started going I decided it would be best if I didn't tell my AH. I did my typical codie thing and predicted all the things he would say and do surrounding Al-anon and decided I rather see if it’s for me before telling him. He is not in any way, shape or form even thinking about recovery. Drinking is still his right, and his deserved gift after a hard day’s work.

So after attending for about a month it’s clear to me it’s time to tell him. He calls me a few times each day at work and I started to feel like I was hiding and sneaking around. (I attend a lunchtime meeting) Trying to make sure I called him before he would call me so he wouldn't try to call while I was gone.. yah yeah.. smart So I finally told him today and it didn't go so well. As expected he said a bunch of things about me hiding things from him and it should have been something we discussed. I tried to reassure him that I wasn't going there for him but for me. To learn some new ways of dealing with things in my life. That I could see the way I was living wasn't working and I needed some new tools.

Now I just feel BLAH. I don’t want to “talk” about it ad nauseam when I get home or get the cold shoulder. I told myself the reaction would help me make choices one way or the other about our relationship. But I don’t feel that way now. I just don’t want to deal with any of it. When does it start to feel less sickening? Even though I feel like I am making good, healthy decisions, why do I feel like I’m screwing up.

I guess I don’t know what kind of advice I’m looking for... What have y’all gone through telling our SO’s you were going to Al-anon when they were not in a program or had any intention of doing so?

BoxinRotz

It doesn't really surprise me that he freaked. Why? Because he feels he doesn't have a problem and therefore you shouldn't have a problem!

It doesn't work that way now does it? He's in denial and you can see right through it. I would go as far as saying that you came close to *threatening* his alcoholism because he more than likely knows what AlAnon is and YOU made him think, OMG... WTF is she doing?!

If it helps you, keep going! That's why you're going, for the help. Keep posting here too.

SparkleKitty

Hey there. I think it's one thing to MAKE "good, healthy decisions" and another thing to OWN those decisions. You've already told him -- you're not going for him, but for you. No discussion necessary. His feelings about it are his, and you are in no way responsible for them or how he deals with them. Now is the time to practice detachment from his response to this information.

Easier said than done, believe me, I know. I wish you luck, courage, and strength.

isitme

Thanks.. Yeah I made the choices but I'm not owning them very well. I'm still stuck in my old way of feeling about things. And I'm secretly scared to have it thrown in my face. "Oh you're getting all of this from THAT GROUP" I'm trying my best to stay positive, I just have more practice looking out for things that I feel I may need to protect myself from.

dandylion

Dear isitme---Am I reading "between the lines" that you may fear that he will become physically aggressive toward you?..........

dandylion

isitme

Not physically.. We just tend to have reallly reallly loooong "conversations" these can go on for hours and usually keep me from sleeping. It's not even yelling, it just the same stuff fumbling out of his mouth over and over. Following me around the house asking questions, or complete silent treatment.

JenT1968

I went to alanon for a while (told exAH, and had pretty much the same reaction from the get-go) - was an entirely different reaction when I went to a counsellor for my depression/anxiety - because that was me getting help for my intolerable failings - nothing to do with him .

personally I got more from the counselling than al-anon, although both were helpful, I needed more intense one-to-one help to find a way to cope with (and eventually move on from) my situation. I picked my counsellor because she had experience working with addicts and their families, and she was blooming brilliant.

dandylion

Gee, isitme, he sounds very controlling---using WORDS to control and "bully" you.

You will need to sharpen up your detachment tools. Also making some boundaries for yourself (you don't necessarily have to tell him about your boundaries). Find ways to leave the room when you can. Find ways to shut him out--earphones, for example. Find ways to preoccupy yourself, when you can--lock the bathroom door and clean the shower stall. Make excuses to leave the house as often as you can--go for walks, run to store, go to library, walk the dog until his legs fall off (joking).

When he is stalking (quacking)--picture him with a sign on his forehead that says "sick" or Q for "quack". Do not take any bait.......don't let him suck you into debating.....just say "UHhuh" or "You may be right" or "it is what it is" or "It's all good"---or anything you can think of to say to deflect him.

These manuvers can buy you some breathing space.

Remember that he is free to have his own reactions---you don't have to be responsible for his reactions!! REMEMBER: He can stay mad 'til he gets glad. He won't die from being mad.

Hope this helps , a little. If he starts to threaten you in any way--that becomes a whole different ball of wax.

dandylion

Recovering2

Makes sense that he's upset, since he is in denial about his disease. But as has already been mentioned, Alanon is for YOU...not him. So while he is allowed to have his opinion or reaction, it doesn't need to deter your focus in getting healthy. Just like he has the right to keep drinking, you have the right to take care of you.

Detach Detach Detach. He's going to quack, let him. You can make the decision to not react. I would suggest you don't back away from the meetings, he will get the message that quacking works to control you.

Hang in there....

LifeRecovery

Isitme-

I can't say what has already been said any better.

I just want to say what a great learning curve you are getting regarding feelings, etc and how you do it.

Sometimes when I change my perception a little bit it helps me to feel more grounded in where I am at. In your situation maybe it is a great chance to learn how to NOT have those three hour conversations that keep you from sleeping.

OnlyOneProblem

Hi isitme. Glad to hear you've been going to Alanon meetings. I hope you continue to go.

When I first started to go to meetings I did not tell my AH. I wanted to check it out first. When I eventually told him, not long after I started going, it didn't go well either. He was threatened. I'm sure he believed I was there to find out how to stop his drinking. I did my best to make it clear to him that the reason I was going was to learn what I could do so that I could live happily with our relationship. There had been enough battles that it was obvious I wasn't happy in our marriage. I think that explanation helped his insecurities. He must have been pretty curious because he said he wanted to go with me to a meeting. I said no this was for me. I actually think for a little while things did get better and he relaxed about it. He would always ask me how my meeting was. I would just answer that it was fine. I did not share anything with him because I knew he would have used that against me at some point in time.

You said, he feels it is something you should have discussed with him. I'm sure he didn't discuss his decision to drink with you. I found that making the point that "he gets to make the decisions that he thinks are best for him (drinking) and so do I (going to Alanon)" put it into perspective.

I sincerely believed at the time that my reason for going to Alanon was to learn how to be happy while living with an alcoholic. Over time, what I learned was simply "how to make myself happy".

isitme

Thanks so much to all of you! It wasn't fun, but it was alright. I actually made it thought the entire conversation without once bringing up his drinking. I just said that what we were currently doing was not working and I was looking for some more tools. He was upset that I hid it from him, but I stated, I'm an adult. Can I not make these types of decisions for myself? The issue is with trust, do I need to make sure and get permission to be gone from work for one hour? Do I need to call and tell you everything I'm doing and at what time. He said no. So that's that. It went on a little longer than I wanted, but at one point he said, I didn't intend for this to be a long drawn out conversation, and I said, good, then we are finished. And you know what!! That really was the end! For the first time in that actually ended the conversation. What a relief!

I feel much better with it out in the open, everything else is one day at a time. Thanks everyone!

fourmaggie

long conversation about it?

you need not to react to him....just say..." hummm, you could be right" and walk away...thats it...short and sweet

no fuss

lizw

I relate to this post a lot as new behaviour for me (especially doing something good for myself) feels wrong and I think because it feels wrong it must be wrong.

If you think about how uncomfortable it feels to learn a new skill or language you'll see why you're feeling bad. Learning and changing is hard. His reaction to what your doing has made you feel bad because your uncomfortable about it already.

I've been attending Al Anon for a few years now I thought I went for 'him' so your one off better than me already and I really got the shock of my life when I started to learn he didn't actually make me feel anything. How I felt come from my own experiences.

They were my reactions. He didn't force me to sit up all night worrying about him or give him money or do any of the other stuff I was doing. I really started to learn how limited I saw my own life in terms of choices I could make as I did this stuff all on my own. I was volunteering for it as I thought the way to love someone was to control them or at least try and I did this because I was frightened of life and that I may loose him etc...

When I got honest about my family of origin and the ideas/values I grew up with I started to change as I started to see I came from a family who did the same which was rather ironic as I had spent years raving to other people about how badly my family had treated me as a kid, yet I was carrying out the same behaviours in my relationships with others. So I hated it yet dished it out to others.

I'll probably go to Al Anon for the rest of my life and I have certainly not been cured overnight. I've been through all kinds of crazy phases too but I have learnt from each one unlike when I first began and was obsessed with why my current A wouldn't behave himself and treat me well. And I can tell you it was a rather sad day when I noticed no matter how well he treated me, it still wasn't good enough because that is the nature of co dependency and addiction.

Whatever happens for you I hope you keep attending Al Anon. I have made such great friends there and learnt so much about myself. And it's pretty cool having my own life these days.

I still have days though when I think I deserve a medal for allowing people to be exactly as they are without the need to control them. I.e. Aren't I such a good person for letting you do that. It's rather delusional.

Florence

I got some of that from my AH. He hated how I used SR and thought I went around bragging about all the healing I was doing -- actually it was hard work, three years of therapy and two participating on SR -- which he mocked to my face. The truth is that my eyes were opening to a lot of things about him, myself, my FOO, the limitations I put on myself, and for the first time I could see them clearly. I was trying to share with him because he was my husband, but he didn't give a $hit.

At first there was some arguing about it and the time I spent doing it -- I finally told him that I was going to do what I needed to do to get healthy and he had every resource available to him if he wanted to do it himself. And truthfully, he was probably annoyed because he chose not to do 95% of the recovery plan his doctors and rehabs outlined for him. I did, and as time went on I saw that he was dead-set on staying mired in the family and personal dysfunction that fed his addiction, even if his addiction had been interrupted by spurts of abstinence.

He still is! He's still mooching off his parents, pretending everything is fine when it isn't. He lies about his sobriety time and commitment to recovery. It is what is is.

Long story short: YOU DO YOU. You know, one of the most important things someone said to me here is that my kids only get one childhood. That was like a punch in the gut. I was depriving them by wasting my time on AH's non-recovery. And I don't want to get all YOLO on anyone, but this is the one life we get, too. I realized I was going to waste it with frustration, anxiety, and depression -- regardless of whether AH was around, based on my previous lif choices -- if I didn't make major changes. I was finally ready, so I picked up that baton.

You don't want to talk about it? Don't talk about it. Here's a lesson in boundaries: You can say, this isn't up for discussion, this is for me, sorry you feel that way. If he continues to harass you, choose something else. Say mmm hmm, oh?, I'm sorry you feel that way. If it continues, maybe it's a good night to go look around Target or hit up the library. You don't have to sit there for his lectures, you're not his daughter or his employee. So, don't! And then find something that will help you enjoy yourself.

isitme

Oh it's all so true. I really have started doing things for myself again and it feels great. I feel my own sense of self coming back.

Everyone tells me I don't have to discuss things, but that seems to be one of my main stumbling blocks. I know that don't have to explain myself or my actions, but somewhere along the line I mumble that thought. Like I have something to prove, like eventually it will make some light bulb in his head go off. "Gee she's right". In reality I know that's not the case but that's one of the "magical thinking" moments I still seem to hold on to.

I'm just glad that things are changing. I don't know what tomorrow will bring but I do know that I will continue working towards my own serenity whether he finds any or not. And at some point the choice will be made on whether or not I want to live with someone who refuses to find peace in their own life, because I refuse to build up my own happiness just to have is siphoned off by the energy vampire again. Sounds dramatic, but that's how it feels.