Bargaining, Minimizing, Rationalizing
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Bargaining, Minimizing, Rationalizing
Here are some definitions of keywords often used here by forum members who are trying to help a codependent in denial see reality:
"Bargaining": to get what you want by making a deal with someone else.
"Minimizing": to reduce something (especially something unpleasant) to the smallest possible degree.
"Rationalizing": to think about or describe a bad behavior in a way that explains it and makes it seem more proper or more attractive.
Those three words describe my thinking and my communicating when I lived with someone in active addiction.
I bargained:"If you limit your alcohol to one drink a day, I will be able to continue living with you."
I minimized: "He's out of control every two weeks now, so things are improving. It used to be every Friday."
I rationalized: "He's bitter, critical, sarcastic, and self-absorbed because he's craving, so his words and actions are not really his fault."
It was all my sad attempt to evade reality. The reality was that my husband was in active addiction, that our family was in terrible suffering because of it.
When we do not want things to change in our lives--when we do not want to have to move, to get a divorce, to give up half of the income we have been used to, to fight a custody battle, to reveal to our friends and neighbors that we are in crisis--we bargain, we minimize, and we rationalize.
"Bargaining": to get what you want by making a deal with someone else.
"Minimizing": to reduce something (especially something unpleasant) to the smallest possible degree.
"Rationalizing": to think about or describe a bad behavior in a way that explains it and makes it seem more proper or more attractive.
Those three words describe my thinking and my communicating when I lived with someone in active addiction.
I bargained:"If you limit your alcohol to one drink a day, I will be able to continue living with you."
I minimized: "He's out of control every two weeks now, so things are improving. It used to be every Friday."
I rationalized: "He's bitter, critical, sarcastic, and self-absorbed because he's craving, so his words and actions are not really his fault."
It was all my sad attempt to evade reality. The reality was that my husband was in active addiction, that our family was in terrible suffering because of it.
When we do not want things to change in our lives--when we do not want to have to move, to get a divorce, to give up half of the income we have been used to, to fight a custody battle, to reveal to our friends and neighbors that we are in crisis--we bargain, we minimize, and we rationalize.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Excellent thoughts, EnglishGarden.
Even with my son, a different situation entirely from an addicted spouse, I know I bargained until I was blue in the face.
I minimized by thinking "he's not on the needle so not as bad as some" and when he hit the needle "this won't last, he'll crash quickly now".
And I rationalized excusing his addiction and blaming his birth family for all of it, as every single member there was addicted to something. I didn't hold him accountable for his own actions at all....until I found recovery.
These are three hiding places for denial, for thinking we can "fix" them, for our avoidance of the truth...our loved ones are drug addicts.
Hugs
Even with my son, a different situation entirely from an addicted spouse, I know I bargained until I was blue in the face.
I minimized by thinking "he's not on the needle so not as bad as some" and when he hit the needle "this won't last, he'll crash quickly now".
And I rationalized excusing his addiction and blaming his birth family for all of it, as every single member there was addicted to something. I didn't hold him accountable for his own actions at all....until I found recovery.
These are three hiding places for denial, for thinking we can "fix" them, for our avoidance of the truth...our loved ones are drug addicts.
Hugs
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