My deal with the devil
A simple guy making his way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
My deal with the devil
I wrote something back in 2012 about where my addictions took hold. I am moving back to that place. This post reminds me that this has been dealt with and this move does not mean I will be going backwards. This is a move forward.
But I thought I would share the sentiments again....I feel so good these days... But I always remember.
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The year was 2003.
I never drank or drugged until my 30's. I had little by way of confidence and value. But ecstasy made me whole. It gave me personality and the ability to speak with anyone anytime. Made me feel sexy. Made others look hot. I would hang out at the beach bars by my house and speak with tourists. It was a tourist town and the constant flow of people in and out fed my addiction to the attention and confidence it made me feel.
Who would question such a perfect situation? Live music, warm sunshine beating on you, hot fun people all around you, and a never ending supply of little pills to make it all work.
This was the most glamorous drugs ever got for me. I was king. I fed them to people I met so we would all be there. The top of the world. Dance, touch, be.
This was the first time the idea entered my head. Do I drink to much? Am I using to much ecstasy?
The first time I thought something may be wrong.
I squelched the thoughts. Every weekend I would leave work early on Friday to make my pill run and pop one as soon as I got em. Then rush home to get changed and head out. Out to find what ever party I could come across or create.
It's like a deal with the devil. You can have all this for your soul. He promised me it would only be a small piece of it. That I would retain controlling rights to it. I would never loose who I was. Just reap the rewards he offered. Rewards anyone with half a soul to begin with would want.
He's not much of a deal breaker once you sign on the dotted line.
As I felt it each time I used I could do little to stop it. But I did. I did stop it.
From that point on in my life I have been bargaining. Trading what I would get or find for what I had and as I did the sun felt less warm. The people looked less hot. I felt less.... Just simply less.
I have paid a great price to get my soul back. That was 2003....this being 2012.... My payments are done. I will not have to give another anything for it. I own it now. Only me.
I cannot bring myself to make a final tally. I don't have enough fingers and toes to count that high.
But now that the bill is paid in full it's time to move on. Move forward. Soul, heart, being all in hand and ready for whats next.
I feel free today. I feel the warmth of the sun beating on me. I have tried to surround myself with good worthwhile people. And I am happier than I have been in a very long time.
Ken
But I thought I would share the sentiments again....I feel so good these days... But I always remember.
--------
The year was 2003.
I never drank or drugged until my 30's. I had little by way of confidence and value. But ecstasy made me whole. It gave me personality and the ability to speak with anyone anytime. Made me feel sexy. Made others look hot. I would hang out at the beach bars by my house and speak with tourists. It was a tourist town and the constant flow of people in and out fed my addiction to the attention and confidence it made me feel.
Who would question such a perfect situation? Live music, warm sunshine beating on you, hot fun people all around you, and a never ending supply of little pills to make it all work.
This was the most glamorous drugs ever got for me. I was king. I fed them to people I met so we would all be there. The top of the world. Dance, touch, be.
This was the first time the idea entered my head. Do I drink to much? Am I using to much ecstasy?
The first time I thought something may be wrong.
I squelched the thoughts. Every weekend I would leave work early on Friday to make my pill run and pop one as soon as I got em. Then rush home to get changed and head out. Out to find what ever party I could come across or create.
It's like a deal with the devil. You can have all this for your soul. He promised me it would only be a small piece of it. That I would retain controlling rights to it. I would never loose who I was. Just reap the rewards he offered. Rewards anyone with half a soul to begin with would want.
He's not much of a deal breaker once you sign on the dotted line.
As I felt it each time I used I could do little to stop it. But I did. I did stop it.
From that point on in my life I have been bargaining. Trading what I would get or find for what I had and as I did the sun felt less warm. The people looked less hot. I felt less.... Just simply less.
I have paid a great price to get my soul back. That was 2003....this being 2012.... My payments are done. I will not have to give another anything for it. I own it now. Only me.
I cannot bring myself to make a final tally. I don't have enough fingers and toes to count that high.
But now that the bill is paid in full it's time to move on. Move forward. Soul, heart, being all in hand and ready for whats next.
I feel free today. I feel the warmth of the sun beating on me. I have tried to surround myself with good worthwhile people. And I am happier than I have been in a very long time.
Ken
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 987
Wonderful reminder, Ken. It IS a deal with the devil and the payments are your happiness, your health, your sanity, and, eventually, your life.
Sounds like you are more than well-equipped these days to look that ba$tard in the eye and tell him where to head in with his "deals."
Happy Sunday to you and thanks again!
Sounds like you are more than well-equipped these days to look that ba$tard in the eye and tell him where to head in with his "deals."
Happy Sunday to you and thanks again!
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,822
thx great post
It sounds like time and experience has made it that perhaps you should change your screen name to Owl1966, more of a wisdom'ie' kinda creature
The sun is still wonderfully warming , it is just now we know how we can get burnt.
It sounds like time and experience has made it that perhaps you should change your screen name to Owl1966, more of a wisdom'ie' kinda creature
The sun is still wonderfully warming , it is just now we know how we can get burnt.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 438
Could totally relate to your story. What a poetic way to put it. I also didn't start really drinking much or doing any drugs till I was 30. My DOC besides vodka was ecstacy as well. It was always hard for me to buy/find it (plus a was a big ole chicken & afraid of getting caught with pills) so I didn't have frequent access to it but when I did I'd buy a bunch and try to space it out (which never works). It's like it gives you everything then it rips it all away when you come down, and you come down hard. I haven't done it for over a year and a half but the drinking was always there with me. Thanks for sharing that
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,357
Thanks Weasel. Great posts today about reflection. The year was 2003 for me too and I was in my 30's. Love your analogy. It does feel like a deal with the devil. I think we should all sue for breach of contract because he lied about what we were going to get.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by Weasel1966 
It's like a deal with the devil
If there was a Devil, he seemed the Boss Universal, and he certainly had me.
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