Fessing up
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 75
Fessing up
I haven't been here for a bit, start of school and my volunteering has had me busy. Last time I was here I was upset about something ah had done. Then drank less and was home more and helping out. But in the meantime I finally fessed up to someone outside of family friends and here. My ds is in after school counseling and I felt them knowing what he is dealing with was more important than keeping a secret. I have also made an appt Monday to seek direction for some one on one counsellong for him as the other is group.
So as seems to happen in the alcoholic world I thought things were going pretty good, then tonight came. He drank lots last night and I had to wake up to a room smelling like a dirty bar... Yuck...and him, I could smell him from 10 feet away...double yuck.
I didn't say anything. Then he said he had to go to his friends to set up some gear for a practice tomorrow and would be back in an hour. That was at 2 this afternoon... It is now 11 hours later. I drove a friend over to where he was and he came to the car, I simply said I'm not here to pick you up, he said ok and walked away. That was at 930. They moved from that friends to a party at another girls house. That pisses me off... Why not let me know where you are going? Why not invite me?
Then I did something I'm pretty sure your not supposed to do, I ranted at him through text (I am no where near healthy, that's a crazy thing to do) and told him I've had enough. He hasn't responded.
I HAVE to find the time to go to alanon, I went to two meetings, met some wonderful people, started learning, then stopped. I have been reading an addict in the family but somehow fell right back into full crazy mode.
The funny thing tonight is.... There are no tears, there is no sadness...there was anger but even that is gone for the moment. Not really sure why I am feeling so calm. A month ago I felt in a very bad place, like there was only one way for me to escape the pain.... I am so glad I don't feel that way tonight.
I will go to sleep and take tomorrow as it comes. I can do it!!!! Whatever it may be.
Has anyone else felt this kind of calm numbness? Or relief? Maybe my peace will need to be on my own with ds.
So as seems to happen in the alcoholic world I thought things were going pretty good, then tonight came. He drank lots last night and I had to wake up to a room smelling like a dirty bar... Yuck...and him, I could smell him from 10 feet away...double yuck.
I didn't say anything. Then he said he had to go to his friends to set up some gear for a practice tomorrow and would be back in an hour. That was at 2 this afternoon... It is now 11 hours later. I drove a friend over to where he was and he came to the car, I simply said I'm not here to pick you up, he said ok and walked away. That was at 930. They moved from that friends to a party at another girls house. That pisses me off... Why not let me know where you are going? Why not invite me?
Then I did something I'm pretty sure your not supposed to do, I ranted at him through text (I am no where near healthy, that's a crazy thing to do) and told him I've had enough. He hasn't responded.
I HAVE to find the time to go to alanon, I went to two meetings, met some wonderful people, started learning, then stopped. I have been reading an addict in the family but somehow fell right back into full crazy mode.
The funny thing tonight is.... There are no tears, there is no sadness...there was anger but even that is gone for the moment. Not really sure why I am feeling so calm. A month ago I felt in a very bad place, like there was only one way for me to escape the pain.... I am so glad I don't feel that way tonight.
I will go to sleep and take tomorrow as it comes. I can do it!!!! Whatever it may be.
Has anyone else felt this kind of calm numbness? Or relief? Maybe my peace will need to be on my own with ds.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 92
Calm before the storm? AH isn't home yet to cause the chaos. My life got way worse on Tuesday when AH came home to fess up to his affair.
Ps... Is RAH a recovering alcoholic? Or a Raging Alcoholic? Don't understand that acronym yet...
Ps... Is RAH a recovering alcoholic? Or a Raging Alcoholic? Don't understand that acronym yet...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
AllThings, check the stickies at the top of the page for a listing of acronyms. Then you'll be better able to understand what is being posted here.
Skymitchg, I have had that calm that you describe at times. I think you already know what you need to do and started doing it, then succumbed to inertia, how much easier if the alcohol problem just went away and your life could remain as it was, if YOU could just remain as you were.
Been there, done that. Along with a lot of other folks! Once again, you are not alone....
Regarding your being pissed off at him: Why would you expect him to "invite you along to a party" when he's drinking? It's not a social event, it's about HIM DRINKING. Likewise with letting you know where he is....and really, he says he'll be back in an hour and is not back ELEVEN HOURS LATER?
Pick up where you were w/your first steps in recovery, get to Alanon, put the focus back on YOU and your son and start making the life for the 2 of you that you want. You know what you need to do. Go do it.
Skymitchg, I have had that calm that you describe at times. I think you already know what you need to do and started doing it, then succumbed to inertia, how much easier if the alcohol problem just went away and your life could remain as it was, if YOU could just remain as you were.
Been there, done that. Along with a lot of other folks! Once again, you are not alone....
Regarding your being pissed off at him: Why would you expect him to "invite you along to a party" when he's drinking? It's not a social event, it's about HIM DRINKING. Likewise with letting you know where he is....and really, he says he'll be back in an hour and is not back ELEVEN HOURS LATER?
Pick up where you were w/your first steps in recovery, get to Alanon, put the focus back on YOU and your son and start making the life for the 2 of you that you want. You know what you need to do. Go do it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 75
Thank you for your responses. I still felt calm after he came home, but then again I pretended to sleep so I wouldn't have to talk to him.
I have no problem with finding/doing things I like or ds likes. I am a crafter and I volunteer. I guess I am still having a hard time not letting what he does bother me. I never thought of it that way....it's not a social event it's him drinking.
Allthings, I'm sorry your life got way worse, and for the pain that must cause you! That would be a final line for me, I have tolerated that with exes and my late ah ex I didnt know about it till after he past so I could not tolerate that now.
I have no problem with finding/doing things I like or ds likes. I am a crafter and I volunteer. I guess I am still having a hard time not letting what he does bother me. I never thought of it that way....it's not a social event it's him drinking.
Allthings, I'm sorry your life got way worse, and for the pain that must cause you! That would be a final line for me, I have tolerated that with exes and my late ah ex I didnt know about it till after he past so I could not tolerate that now.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
skymitchg, something that was said to me and that I found very helpful was "the A is not drinking AT you--he's not doing it to hurt you or spite you. In fact, it has nothing at all to do w/you. He's drinking B/C HE IS AN ALCOHOLIC, AND THAT IS WHAT THEY DO. THEY DRINK." This includes the lying, irresponsibility and other charming behaviors that go along with drinking, too.
Now, this is NOT an excuse for the A. It is simply a reason that it makes no sense for you or me to take it personally.
This is the biggest experience of that calm I believe you are talking about, and this is how I got there the first time: When my A revealed to me after a few months of alleged sobriety that he was, in fact, still drinking and "couldn't figure out why he was having such a hard time stopping", I was able to remain calm enough to repeat those wise words that had been said to me back to him--"You're drinking and unable to stop b/c you are an alcoholic, and that is alcoholics do. I suggest you call your sponsor and see what he has to say about your problem." At that point, I took the dogs for a walk. When I came back, he was gone w/a note saying his sponsor told him to get to a meeting and he went. I sat down at my computer and chose a meditation practice I had downloaded (mountain meditation, for stability and calm) and did that. It was perfect, and a moment where I realized that yes, I WAS making progress, whether or not HE was, and how important that was.
A few months before that, I would have been sucked into a long, teary, emotionally fraught, and ultimately fruitless discussion/fight in which I would have tried to solve his problems and otherwise gotten way too involved in issues that are simply not mine to deal with. Things change, but only if YOU change/your way of acting/seeing/behaving changes.
I surely wish I could say I've been able to react that well every time since then, but that isn't the case. However, knowing that it's POSSIBLE to react that well makes me try to do so as often as I can. It gets a little bit easier every time to take the sane detached approach rather than the knee-jerk emotional routine that has become a reflex over the years. I think this is how we start to get better....
Now, this is NOT an excuse for the A. It is simply a reason that it makes no sense for you or me to take it personally.
This is the biggest experience of that calm I believe you are talking about, and this is how I got there the first time: When my A revealed to me after a few months of alleged sobriety that he was, in fact, still drinking and "couldn't figure out why he was having such a hard time stopping", I was able to remain calm enough to repeat those wise words that had been said to me back to him--"You're drinking and unable to stop b/c you are an alcoholic, and that is alcoholics do. I suggest you call your sponsor and see what he has to say about your problem." At that point, I took the dogs for a walk. When I came back, he was gone w/a note saying his sponsor told him to get to a meeting and he went. I sat down at my computer and chose a meditation practice I had downloaded (mountain meditation, for stability and calm) and did that. It was perfect, and a moment where I realized that yes, I WAS making progress, whether or not HE was, and how important that was.
A few months before that, I would have been sucked into a long, teary, emotionally fraught, and ultimately fruitless discussion/fight in which I would have tried to solve his problems and otherwise gotten way too involved in issues that are simply not mine to deal with. Things change, but only if YOU change/your way of acting/seeing/behaving changes.
I surely wish I could say I've been able to react that well every time since then, but that isn't the case. However, knowing that it's POSSIBLE to react that well makes me try to do so as often as I can. It gets a little bit easier every time to take the sane detached approach rather than the knee-jerk emotional routine that has become a reflex over the years. I think this is how we start to get better....
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 75
I started to feel the emotional knee jerk reaction today but managed to self talk myself back to the calm and go about my day. I baked and decorated an awesome cake for my sil and helped dd with his surprise party. Ah made a shady call trying to hide then went to practice, saying he would be at the party at 4 (non alcohol family function) he got home at 730 and finally decided to pop over at 815 drunk. I found I was able to enjoy myself... I don't need him there... I don't care where he was.. I don't care that he was hours late... It doesn't look bad on me... It looks bad on him and he doesn't care. It feels good. I still have a hard time not caring if he is drinking because I don't want to talk to him when he is drunk. When he got up this morning he barked at me and I answered him very calmly.. Then he went into super helper mode... I wanted to say just get out of my way... I don't want or need your help... It doesn't make up for all the pain and anger you have caused the rest of the family... And you are not this super nice guy , you're just feeling guilty or something...but I didn't I just said no thank you
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