horriblethisis

I understand that people like to drink socially, but what about those who like to drink alone a couple times during the week? I don't mean one or two drinks...I mean 4 or 5 drinks...that's a bad sign isn't it? This man I have been dating whom I adore...errr...crap! He has a drinking problem huh??!!! Damn...my gut already knows the answer!!!

AllThings

does HIS gut know it?

horriblethisis

Yes, I think his gut knows it...he didn't reply to my texts...should his non response mean that?
Him: Still trying to figure you out. Sorry but I don't understand.
Me: You have a problem; all the signs are there. My scars run too deep when it comes to addiction. My problem is that I love you, but you have already given me things to question? Is that fair to me and what am I supposed to do with that?
Him: (hasn't answered me all night).

honeypig

I'd say yes, your gut already knows the answer....

If this is his behavior (not replying all night) when you are new to dating and he should be putting his best foot forward, it's sure not going to be pretty once he gets "comfortable" w/you, is it?

ETA: Regarding drinking alone, I will have the occasional bottle of cider on a Friday night after returning from my Friday afternoon farm job, but have not done more than this alone since I was in my early 20s, which is 30 years ago and not a particularly healthy period of my life.

Seren

I have occasionally had 1/2 to 1 glass of wine with dinner at home by myself. Never any more than that. I do think you know the answer already.

I am sorry....perhaps he is not so adorable after all?

anona

Yes it is a bad sign... at least, it is a very bad sign for my husband. I have friends who don't have drinking problems and sometimes drink alone but it's very different... they don't go overboard, they don't hide it, they don't steal money to support it, they don't pass out, they don't neglect their children, etc. If I walked in on one of my friends drinking, they would smile and offer me a glass. If I walked in on my husband drinking, he would hide the bottle or make excuses & go to great lengths to cover it up.

Trust your gut. Sometimes your gut knows things before your brain can wrap your head around it.

honeypig

^^^ This makes SUCH good points! It's not just the drinking but the behaviors surrounding it that differentiate between problem and non-problem drinking.

I wish I'd been able to say this so clearly when my A's drinking first came to light and I struggled to say WHY it was wrong. His defense was that since I hadn't even known he was drinking, how could it be a problem? This is exactly what was wrong and I was not able to express it. Thanks, Anona, this really clarifies this issue.

nbay2013

When I was first dating my now exab, we lived 200 miles apart. The first time I noticed he was talking slurry on a phone call, I asked, "Hey, did you have a martini, you sound tipsy." I said this in humor, but at the time I had zero idea he was already drinking too much and alone and alcoholically. He got REAL defensive about the word "tipsy".... and I just didn't get it! We actually got into an argument over my use of the word, "tipsy". Boy, was that confusing to me. I guess that is the first time I heard "quacking". When I drink, I don't hide it, I admit I am "tipsy" with humor.

horriblethisis

Thank you all for your responses. I am going to play this out and see what happens. The thing is, he is not hiding anything at all. I tend to think that it might be me because I am so guarded after my last relationship which brought me to this site in the first place (ex had prescription drug problem and hid everything). I am such a damn straight edge person, that I don't even realize that a lot of people drink on the weekends to relax...whereas, I might find this to be a problem, I am not sure if it really is. He ended coming over to my house today, and explained to me that he had been "alone" for a while when he was going through his divorce (of 20 years), and that he often sat outside and had a few cocktails reflecting on his life, he never liked bars, and preferred to stay home and not drive if he was going to drink. I think my "gut"...is still on my ex's behavior and I might be defensive and overly sensitive. He is a great dad, owns his own home and goes to work everyday. He has so many good qualities in him...I need to give him a chance, and let my defensiveness and being guarded not get the best of me, and perhaps ruin something that could turn out to be a good thing...but will keep my eyes open just in case!

ZenMe

HorribleThisIs....

I urge you to listen to your gut. How many times do we go back and say "if I had only listened to my gut"...don't start making excuses or justify his behavior because you really like the guy.

Let me guess...you have already been physically intimate?

These are qualities any guy you date should have. I think you are justifying...This is how we codies do it, this is how we somehow repeatedly end up with these people.

I agree with the previous posts. My xagf would be ANGRY if I showed up 15 mins early to pick her up and walked in without giving her a chance to clean up the empty bottles. He is already ignoring you via text on the subject, which I see as a positive thing (for you, still a red flag), vs lying to you.

You already know the warning signs, don't justify, don't say "im so straight edge", I would rather hear "I'm not doing this again, I chose sanity and my own health and happiness".

There are other guys who are great people who don't have drinking problems. There really are if you chose to meet them.

nbay2013

I think this is something that needs to be played out a bit more. If this man has the ability to have empathy and really hear your story, he will eventually truly understand what it means to date someone who has gone through a trauma; and that is what being with an alcoholic can do to many of us. I don't think you can decide if he has a drinking problem; you already know about the ability for alcoholics to downplay our concerns. What will matter is how he handles your fears. Does he ask questions? Is he curious? Does he know the depths to which the fear of addiction brings you to? If he is a great guy, he will develop a sensitivity to your experience.

I think only time will tell you the answer.

ZenMe

I'm not saying she has to pull the trigger now. I'm saying don't ignore your gut.

I have to say though, if he has a drinking problem it doesn't matter how he handles her fears, it doesn't matter if he can show empathy, or if he acts in a way which your projecting your own desires to find an alcoholic who "sees the light". Codie alarm bell.

This is a paramount situation where she needs to be on alert, for her own well being. I'm not saying to sabotage her chances of a good guy. Unfortunately it's not looking good. If it's truly a false alarm, FINE, but her gut says otherwise.

In my book relationships wise active alcoholism is a deal breaker and doesn't deserve giving someone a chance at the my own expense. Let's not fall into the codie trap that he is a drinker that can actually change because early on he showed "empathy". To me she is just going to get hooked in again.

We are making lots of assumptions. Either way don't lose sight of YOU and do what's best for YOU.

anona

Yeah, this describes my husband to a T. And he is starting rehab tomorrow.

Some alcoholics are deadbeats, others are nice/great/functional in many ways.

I'm not saying your boyfriend is an alcoholic, and I totally understand the feeling of having faulty radar/instincts because of your past. But in the beginning you said your gut already knows. And now you're backpedaling. Maybe with some distance your perspective has truly changed but maybe you just need to trust your instincts and realize that since you already have experience with addiction issues, you are fine-tuned to detect it. You are likely picking up on the very subtle signals that most people would miss. This happens to me with other situations (detecting abusive behavior, for example). When in doubt, I try to ask myself, "Is this something I think about EVERYONE or is there some particular reason this person is pinging my radar?" Do you worry about anyone consuming any amount of alcohol? Is addiction something you suspect in everyone you date? Or is it just this one man?

RhodeIsland

He's not hiding it. He's drank like this and not (seeming) turned into a raging alcoholic.

Some people can have 3~4 drinks in the evening a few times a week and function just fine, and sometimes go for weeks without drinking.

He also does it when he's not with her - he's not out making excuses to get sloshed when he sees her.

Relax, and just be aware of his behavior. If he turns into / is an alcoholic, remember all that was learned of "how not to be a codie and waste months or more of life".

RhodeIsland

the husband, was he a good father when he was drunk as well?

All his actions when he was drunk, these actions are the same man.

anona

No, he has been a neglectful parent when drunk. Honestly, I am having a horrendous time sorting out "drunk DH" and "sober DH" (he drinks in secret and I cannot always tell). I don't know how much of his odd behavior is just part of his personality and how much of it is him being drunk. I don't know what to think. He has a million redeeming qualities and I'd like to think he is the exception to the hopeless cases I'm reading about, but I guess only time will tell.

RhodeIsland

I hope things get better. I wish I could do more to help the people hurt in relationships with alcoholics. I don't wish to see suffering.

If alcoholics didn't have good qualities, no one would be here. People would just leave the relationships.

I wish I could cure them.

ZenMe

Alcoholics come in all flavors. Not all of them rage, and a lot of them are experts at hiding how much they drink (alone and with others, not you). Wouldn't be very good at hiding it if they were making excuses to get blitzed. More like lies in that case.

My point in a nutshell is people like us short circuit the decision making process and end up in the same boat again. It's important to not sweep red flags under the rug using rationalization like "3-4 drinks is ok a night, for someone who doesn't have a problem..", " oh he didn't rage on me so he doesn't have a problem"

Have to be looking at the situation more clearly than that.

And for what it's worth, 4-5 drinks a night is excessive. Someone is either an alcoholic or abusing alcohol.

honeypig

As someone married to an A who is astoundingly good at hiding his use, I'd also like to add that just b/c the OP isn't AWARE of the BF drinking secretly or drinking more than he admits to certainly doesn't mean it isn't happening.

I've seen any number of posts here where the poster is amazed at how their A seems to get drunk on "only a beer or 2" b/c they don't realize that the A is popping out to the garage or down to the basement and slamming vodka straight from the bottle at the same time.

Assuming that what we see is the complete and entire story can be a mistake. It may be only the tip of the iceberg.