vincho

Hello everyone, I am really glad that I found this website, there seems to be a lot of good info on quitting the bottle. Sorry if this post drags out but this is my first time putting my thoughts down on my drinking problem and I'm really hoping that maybe some of you can chime in on your experiences. I would really appreciate any input

I am a young alcoholic, only 22 years old. I started drinking at age 13 with a friend in high school. It started off fine, I would only drink once a month max, but always until intoxication. I have always had a little bit of social anxiety so when I first discovered how wonderful it felt to be drunk I fell in love with alcohol. I never really knew this was alcoholism however. I thought that since it is legal it must be okay right? I actually thought it was better than other less harmful illegal drugs such as marijuana just because it was legal. So I always thought I was doing better than my friends who smoked by choosing alcohol instead. I also grew up around a father who is a functional alcoholic and a family that loves to drink and have fun on the holidays. So drinking has always seemed like something that everyone does for fun and that being drunk was just a part of life. My dad let me drink at the age of 18.

Anyways, alcohol never really gave me a big problem before college. However whenever I moved to college my girlfriend of 3 years cheated on me and then dumped me right before we moved into the same dorm building. I was most likely clinically depressed but did not see a doctor about it because I didn't realize it. I would do everything in my power during this time to drink and get drunk on the weekends. Everything felt better whenever I got drunk and that's all I wanted to do. People often call me the "life of the party" when I am drunk and tell me the next day about how much fun I was last night. This caused a positive reinforcement of my bad habits. I routinely had parties at my apartment and ended up joining a fraternity which obviously didn't help the problem. I would get drunk every weekend, and in fact on most occasions if you were to ask me when the last weekend was that I didn't drink or did some activity besides drinking I would not be able to tell you. I thought everything was fine though since I only drank on the weekends and thought that alcoholics drink every day. I also had a fake ID during this time so getting alcohol was not very hard. To make things worse I love smoking cigarettes whenever I am drunk and thought it was okay because I "only smoke when I am drunk".

So I continued this drinking pattern throughout college and it got worse and worse, especially whenever I turned 21 and would go out 3 days a week on average and smoke a pack of cigarettes on the hard binges. What is interesting is that throughout all of this time my hangovers progressively got worse and worse. I used to just have a small headache the next day and feel foggy but towards the end of college my hangovers changed both in their strength and also in what they consist of. After a night of drinking I would feel extremely fatigued no matter how much sleep I had, I would feel very anxious and extremely depressed. I am also super irritated and snap very easily. I would feel like I hate myself and have tightness in the chest. It would be hard for me to speak to other people because I was so anxious and if I talked to my parents on the phone they could tell something was wrong because my voice would be shaky and sound nervous. I don't know why I decided that it is okay to put myself through this pain, but in my last year of college I finally began to acknowledge the problem. Prior to this I always looked at myself as a guy with problems and because of that drank alcohol. But I began to realize that the alcohol was at least part of the problems that I had. I was a nutrition major and learned a lot about what alcohol and smoking does to the body. But knowledge is not always action.

My friends would always seem fine the day after drinking, even after drinking the same amount or more than I did throughout the night. They would wake up, look great and be ready to go. Meanwhile I am trying to hide and pretend my phone is off just so that I wouldn't have to see them because I was so anxious and didn't have the ability to do "normal life things". It always made me upset that they were able to go out and have fun and not have the next 2-3 days ruined by fatigue/depression/anxiety. So I realized something was different about me and realized that I am harming myself more than others by drinking (yay for acetaldehyde dehydrogenase deficiency).

I decided senior year of college to cut back on drinking and then realized that this didn't work either. Even after 1 standard drink sometimes I have the depression and anxiety the next day. I did some searching with google but am still not sure what this is. My best guess is that I go through alcohol withdrawal very easily. I definitely have the genes for alcoholism :/. It never mattered how much water or food I had prior to or during drinking. If I was lucky and chugged enough water and ate a very large meal then one beer would not give me a hangover. But sometimes this didn't work either. Usually I would wake up hungover in a bad mood, but not nearly as bad as the binge-type hangovers.

So I tried many of times to just quit completely but its so hard! All of my friends like to drink and don't suffer the hangovers that I do. They don't understand what I go through after drinking and if I try explaining they just say to "drink more water before bed" or to "take some extra multivitamins". I don't know what else to do for fun really. I have no hobbies except for drinking and studying! I thought that maybe once I got to dental school that people would have more hobbies since it is a grad program and the students were probably not able to drink and do school, but nope its the same thing. Everyone goes to the bars for fun for the most part and it kickstarts this cycle of quitting drinking and then relapsing for me. Last night the dental students through a huge party and now I am depressed, anxious, cant think clearly and hate myself. I am having trouble typing this post because of how lethargic and nasty I feel. I don't want to do this to myself anymore but at the same time don't know how to maintain a social life without alcohol. I feel like if I keep doing these weekend binges with cigarettes that I am going to kill myself one day and I don't want that to happen. I want to live a long happy life of normalness instead of a short one with extreme highs and lows.

The most scary part though is what happened last week. The cycle doesn't even need a binge to kickstart, last Wednesday I went out for ONE drink and woke up really early hungover. How did I cure it? I drank two beers in the shower before class. I can't do this anymore but I'm scared to stop. Am I the only one? I mean I have a lot of friends that drink, and I have yet to meet one that goes through this when they drink. This makes me hate myself. And all of the stories that I have read online that are similar to mine are of people near their 30's or older. I feel like I am so young to be having this problem that I must have really done some major damage to my body to be having hangovers like this all of the sudden. I have seen doctors about my anxiety and depression but my alcoholic brain hides the alcoholism from them. I have noticed that whenever I am successful at not drinking for several weeks at a time that my depression/anxiety goes away but not fully.

Sorry for the long rant, but whoever is reading this you are the first person that I have been honest to other than myself..Sometimes it feels good to just write it down. I want to start my sobriety tomorrow, but this time I want it to be for good!

Thank you for listening

Raider

No we love long rants at SR. Start your sobriety now. I'm 54 and still drinking. It's just a blink away. Stay strong. Prayers your way my friend.

Coldfusion

Welcome!

There are ways to break free of alcohol. I did almost eleven months ago, and it has changed my life.
I hope you decide to explore a sober life also.

jaynie04

Hi Vincho and welcome. I am sorry you are having such a hard time. You mentioned you are at dental school, I know that addiction/alcoholism is a real issue in that profession, is there any counseling offered through your school?

clarity22

I'm new on here too, thanks for sharing.

I can relate to the next 2-3 days after being anxious and depressed, non of my friends experience it either. It's a horrible feeling, feeling alone and like your just an embarrassment ( that's how I feel)

Good luck with it all!

kadidee

Welcome, vincho and clarity. I never knew how much drinking affected my depression and anxiety until I removed alcohol from the equation. You'll find a lot of support here

longbeachone

I'm so sorry that you're struggling. I hope that the light switch goes on for you, telling you that an alcoholic life is so awful, so miserable, and a sober life so calm, peaceful and wonderful! And it's not as hard as you think! Put the drink down, and under no circumstances pick it up. It's arsenic, hemlock, cyanide. It's poison to you, and your body is needing less and less of it to react violently. You are soaking your internal organs in toxic waste! Do whatever you must to ensure that this substance does not cross your lips, and I promise you that your life will be infinitely better.

vincho

Thank you everyone for your kind words.

Jaynie, yes there are counseling services at our school. I should probably look into it and talk to someone. I feel like I want to be able to stop on my own but its hard when everyone else is drinking so I am always around it. Maybe talking to someone will help.

ColdFusion - that is great that you have been sober 11 months! Gosh I wish I could say the same. I would probably feel amazing right now. Congratulations on your success.

Clarity - Welcome to the forums as well. Yes the anxiety and depression is definitely the worst part, especially whenever your friends don't go through the same thing so they are constantly pressuring to go back out and drink again. It's nice to see that other people have this same problem, thanks for sharing and good luck to you as well .

Kadidee - That is great to hear that it is related. I am excited to see the results of moving alcohol from the equation. Thank you for sharing.

Longbeachone - Thanks for the inspiration! I really do want to quit once and for all, and I hope that my body starts to treat me better for it.

I remember as a kid being so happy and feeling so clean. Everything had more meaning. I want that feeling again.

least

You've come to the right place for support in getting sober. Look into counseling if you can. I've been seeing my counselor regularly and it really helps me a lot.

vincho

Thanks for the input Least. I will look into it as soon as possible.

Feeling a little bit better today than I did last night. Less anxiety and depression but still overly fatigued even after sleeping 10 hours. Now time for the random bouts of depression that occur throughout the week after my binges. Just need to push through.

Does anyone else have issues with talking a few days after a binge? I feel short breathed and unable to have normal conversations...its really weird and I always felt like something was wrong with me. People see me as a quiet reserved person during the week days because of this. Until the weekend whenever I am able to binge again and be my "happy self".

Raider

That's not your "happy. Self", that's your drink self. Stay strong.

ProgressNotPerfection

If you don't drink, you can't get drunk.

If you feel like drinking, sit down and don't move until it passes. It will pass, perhaps like bad gas in the night, but pass it shall!

If you do this one day at a time, one moment at a time, one heartbeat at a time, you will string together an hour, a day, a week, a month, a year of clean and sober time, one day at a time.

There is no bottle in the sky waiting to fall down and get us drunk. One thing gets us drunk: swallowing alcoholic liquids.

No matter what happens today, don't drink alcoholic liquids.

Cravings aren't fatal, drinking might be.
Cravings aren't dangerous, drinking usually (for us) is.
Cravings aren't optional, drinking is.
Cravings aren't permanent, being an alcoholic is.
Cravings aren't the voice of God - listening to them is optional....

I used to keep hard candies in my pocket to help deal with cravings...

If you don't want to drink, don't. Make it your priority, and no matter what happens, don't drink. Sit in one spot all day if you need to. Wet yourself instead of moving if you must. Get through it. It gets easier as time goes by and the cravings which at first seem like mountains and valleys will become gentler rolling hills.

Best of all things!!

Doogie92

I have issues with breathing after drinking yes. Every single time for the past 15 years. I feel like my body is "hungry for air" and I can't get a good breath. It's very worrisome when you are experiencing this. I think it is pretty common, but I know from many years if experience that it's scary. Is that kind of what you mean?

IOAA2

Hi V. The most important thing involved in our stopping drinking is being honest with ourselves about OUR drinking. You seem aware of many details but have to concern ourselves of our drinking problem, not friends or family. Perhaps a detox or rehab is in order, remember honesty. You'll as I had to hear the truths about our drinking not the excuses. I needed to stick to a plan of not picking up the first drink so that I didn't have to get sober again. I needed to join AA to be in contact with people face to face and who understood what I/we were going through. After having it fill a void in my life I can say it's been a joy to be comfortable in my own skin for many years now. All we need is the determination not to pick up that first drink no matter what the AV tells us. BE WELL

SoberChristy

I'm 26 and my experience is quite similar to yours. You are definitely not alone in being young and getting these frightening symptoms. Please quit NOW.

vincho

Raider - Thank you for the response. You are right...my alcoholic brain just likes to tell me otherwise. Realizing the difference is hard for me at times.

Johnny - Thanks for the inspiration! You are so right, just one day at a time. All I seem to think about now is worrying about failing. I can just visualize my roommates having a party or them asking me to go out with them where there is alcohol everywhere. It is really hard to come up with excuses to not go out or to leave during a party. Do you have any tips on how to do this without seeming antisocial or rude? Not drinking is my new priority. I would like to come up with ways to minimize my loss of friends though..

Doogie - Glad to hear someone else has the same problems after drinking. Yes this is what I am talking about. I become very self loathing, irritable and anxious/depressed the next day. I try to put on a fake happy face but it doesn't work, people can always tell something is wrong with me the few days following a binge.

IOAA2 - thank you for sharing your experience and advice. I definitely want to make this decision for myself. No more excuses!

SoberChristy - thank you for sharing. I am glad to see that I am not the only one of my age going through this. It is such a terrible feeling, I don't ever want to put my body through it again!

Thank you everyone for sharing. Now to find hobbies that will fill my void of when I used to drink...and to find out ways to keep in touch with friends and roommates that still drink for fun..

-vincho

EndGameNYC

So much attention is paid to the damage that heavy drinking causes in the liver, pancreas, heart and brain, that damage to the lungs and respiratory system doesn't get much press.

Heavy drinking makes us increasingly susceptible to pneumonia, sepsis, and other infections. Respiratory failure is often the most immediate cause of death in alcohol poisoning.

In reality, heavy drinking damages all our internal organs. Even after we recover and specific tests indicate that our organ levels are again functioning within normal limits, the damage done leaves us vulnerable to medical conditions that would otherwise not affect us.

hypochondriac

Welcome to SR Vincho

When I was trying to stop drinking and tapering down I got to one glass of wine a night and still felt dreadful. A lot changed when I stopped drinking entirely, my mindset was completely different, and I didn't feel so depressed. So I learnt that I can't even have one drink either.

There is no reason to stop 'on your own'. People have this view that getting help is somehow a weakness. It isn't, it is the strong, brave thing to do. It is also so much easier to hide from our problems if we keep them to ourselves.

I know it can seem tough right now when it seems like everyone around you is drinking. I am afraid this doesn't change though, even when you get past Uni age when people are supposed to grow up and not drink like idiots anymore. They don't. And more to the point, we don't. Most alcoholics will subconsciously surround themselves with other drinkers because it makes life easier. In sobriety it will feel even more so that everyone is drinking. It is our responsibility to create a life we can cope with. Sometimes that means going out of the way to make friends who don't drink, or where drinking isn't an issue. A friend of mine organises a lot of fitness events for example, fun stuff where 20 people will go on a bike ride. The easiest place to make sober friends of course is at an AA meeting. There are also other support groups like SMART recovery. It would be worth considering things like this. Especially if your current friends do not think you have a problem. Another thing which really helped me and helped kickstart my sobriety was a method called AVRT.

Glad you are here x

Yankee73

Vincho, I have had very similar experiences with alcohol. You have provided yourself with a very valuable timeline- the progression is very detailed. My hangovers progressed the way that yours did. My friends were never as hungover as me, but I was completely useless the day after drinking (in agony, anxiety, etc), while they were outside living life like they never got drunk the night before. And their advice was useless to me because they didn't have the same drinking problem that I had.

I'm very concerned for you after reading about drinking two beers in the shower the next morning. Without seeking help, it will progress from there. I never thought it could, but I was wrong.

vincho

EndGameNYC - thanks for the information. Just more reasoning to give up the poison! Now that I think about it I have been sick more in college than I have at any other time in my life...Probably has to do with the drinking.

hypochondriac - Thank you for sharing your experience. I am glad that I am not the only one who feels this way after one drink. I appreciate the advice on different groups I can join and ways to make non-drinker friends. I will look into them . This life will take a lot of changes but the quality of my life depends on making them.

Yankee - Thanks for sharing. The progression of the hangovers is what made me realize that drinking does cause problems and that it is terrible for the body. I can't tell you how many days I have ruined by drinking a few beers the night before. Being hungover and depressed/anxious, there were many conversations that I missed out on having, many life events that I passed up on and cannot go back and live. Many missed classes and the days of days where I did fight through the hangover after a weekend binge and go to class I would walk in and look for a chair sitting next to nobody so that I wouldn't have to battle my hangover and put on a happy face. Living life hungover is no life to live! The 2 beers in the shower before class scared me too...it's the first time that I have ever done that. I cannot allow it to happen again. Never again.

Best wishes everyone.

-vincho