Worried about recovering boyfriend...(tumbling out of "pink cloud")
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: brooklyn, ny
Posts: 3
Worried about recovering boyfriend...(tumbling out of "pink cloud")
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I have some concerns about my boyfriend. He has been on and off of differnt substances since he was 18 (he's almost 30 now). He would have stretches of time (a few months) where he'd be totally clean & then would start a heroin/ coke habit or drinking binge for several months, take "time off", binge again, etc...anyway, last Jan he finally joined a program for the 1st time (after a "booze year" - he'd quit narcotics for good the previous winter). For the first few months he was on the so-called "pink cloud" -bursting with more emotion and more present than I had ever seen him. We were temporarily broken up at the time (I was preparing to call it off for good) but seeing this new side to him I was so excited I fell back in love and decided to give it another chance.
Well, he is still in the program (AA) and hasn't touched a drop since, but some things seem to be reverting in the past few months. The first few months (from about Jan to March) he keep going on about how he excited he was to finally know what real, substantial friendships were, to make amends with family members, to be in the moment as much as possible, try to be completely honest & not 'escape' his feelings (he's a musican who in the past would get completely obsessed with the band - be in a workaholic mode and emotionaly distant from friends/family). In the beginning he made so much progress it was amazing - he genuinely seemed to be putting %100 of his energy into becoming a better person. But now he seems to be running out of steam. He is keeping his friends at arm's length again, telling people what he thinks they want to hear instead of the truth, spacing out a lot and totally submerging himself in his work again. He is still trying to work the steps but is now saying he doesnt even know if he can get past step one (he says he is not sure if he is really "powerless" over alc). He just seems to be "faking" so much, not even sure himself what he is feeling half the time. While I am not really worried about him quitting the program (he still seems devoted to it - just officially joined the neighborhood group), I am worried about this steady decline in enthusiasm and emotional progress. I NEED am emotionally present boyfriend. And while he puts much more effort into communicating well with me than before, it is hard to watch him hurt & frustrate friends/family (who dont get as much effort from him - almost none now) with his on-again/off again lucidity - he is contradicting himself alot and going from admitting fault one minute and blaming everyone but himself the next. I feel his self-absorption growing everyday. It is getting discouraging. And yes, I am in Al-anon and it is really helpfull - TOO helpfull in ways, haha, as it is making me re-think my relationship and if I can be with someone who is still so emotionally immature...but I love him so much and am not nearly ready to break up.
Any thoughts? Is this a common "phase" of AA?
I have some concerns about my boyfriend. He has been on and off of differnt substances since he was 18 (he's almost 30 now). He would have stretches of time (a few months) where he'd be totally clean & then would start a heroin/ coke habit or drinking binge for several months, take "time off", binge again, etc...anyway, last Jan he finally joined a program for the 1st time (after a "booze year" - he'd quit narcotics for good the previous winter). For the first few months he was on the so-called "pink cloud" -bursting with more emotion and more present than I had ever seen him. We were temporarily broken up at the time (I was preparing to call it off for good) but seeing this new side to him I was so excited I fell back in love and decided to give it another chance.
Well, he is still in the program (AA) and hasn't touched a drop since, but some things seem to be reverting in the past few months. The first few months (from about Jan to March) he keep going on about how he excited he was to finally know what real, substantial friendships were, to make amends with family members, to be in the moment as much as possible, try to be completely honest & not 'escape' his feelings (he's a musican who in the past would get completely obsessed with the band - be in a workaholic mode and emotionaly distant from friends/family). In the beginning he made so much progress it was amazing - he genuinely seemed to be putting %100 of his energy into becoming a better person. But now he seems to be running out of steam. He is keeping his friends at arm's length again, telling people what he thinks they want to hear instead of the truth, spacing out a lot and totally submerging himself in his work again. He is still trying to work the steps but is now saying he doesnt even know if he can get past step one (he says he is not sure if he is really "powerless" over alc). He just seems to be "faking" so much, not even sure himself what he is feeling half the time. While I am not really worried about him quitting the program (he still seems devoted to it - just officially joined the neighborhood group), I am worried about this steady decline in enthusiasm and emotional progress. I NEED am emotionally present boyfriend. And while he puts much more effort into communicating well with me than before, it is hard to watch him hurt & frustrate friends/family (who dont get as much effort from him - almost none now) with his on-again/off again lucidity - he is contradicting himself alot and going from admitting fault one minute and blaming everyone but himself the next. I feel his self-absorption growing everyday. It is getting discouraging. And yes, I am in Al-anon and it is really helpfull - TOO helpfull in ways, haha, as it is making me re-think my relationship and if I can be with someone who is still so emotionally immature...but I love him so much and am not nearly ready to break up.
Any thoughts? Is this a common "phase" of AA?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Hey dae,
I think a lot of people experience slumps in the recovery process. It's tough work and sometimes it can wear a person down. This might be what your boyfriend is going through.
I'm glad you found Alanon and I'm glad you found us.
Stick around.
Gabe
I think a lot of people experience slumps in the recovery process. It's tough work and sometimes it can wear a person down. This might be what your boyfriend is going through.
I'm glad you found Alanon and I'm glad you found us.
Stick around.
Gabe
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Hi dae,
I have found that trying to predict the behavior and thoughts of alcoholics, either sober or drinking, is futile and disappointing. I love mine, and hope for the best for him, but today my recovery in Alanon comes first. Welcome to SR. Feel free to browse around. It is a safe and supportive place with people who know where you are coming from. Hugs, Magic
I have found that trying to predict the behavior and thoughts of alcoholics, either sober or drinking, is futile and disappointing. I love mine, and hope for the best for him, but today my recovery in Alanon comes first. Welcome to SR. Feel free to browse around. It is a safe and supportive place with people who know where you are coming from. Hugs, Magic
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Dae,
It seems to me like you might be trying to hard to read between the lines of his behavior. Recovery is tough, as was mentioned above. He might be heading for a relapse and he might not. You can love him and show support without making him your major focus. Hard?? Sure it is but that is what Al Anon is all about. Focusing on ourselves be we are out of practice.
Hugs,
JT
It seems to me like you might be trying to hard to read between the lines of his behavior. Recovery is tough, as was mentioned above. He might be heading for a relapse and he might not. You can love him and show support without making him your major focus. Hard?? Sure it is but that is what Al Anon is all about. Focusing on ourselves be we are out of practice.
Hugs,
JT
once in a . . .
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
Is this a common "phase" of AA?
welllll, think of it this way: no one can be happy ALL the time! There's always going to be good days and not-so-good days, no matter "who" you are - alcoholic or not.
I believe that alcoholics have never given themselves the chance to "grow up" and to learn HOW to deal with varying emotions. That's part of what AA teaches us - how to face + deal with problems/emotions instead of avoiding/running away from them by drinking (using).
At least that's how this alcoholic sees it!
I HAVE TO focus on ME + My Recovery and NOT on my AH's ......
Easy?? - no!
*Simple* - yes!
Take Care!
Blue
welllll, think of it this way: no one can be happy ALL the time! There's always going to be good days and not-so-good days, no matter "who" you are - alcoholic or not.
I believe that alcoholics have never given themselves the chance to "grow up" and to learn HOW to deal with varying emotions. That's part of what AA teaches us - how to face + deal with problems/emotions instead of avoiding/running away from them by drinking (using).
At least that's how this alcoholic sees it!
I HAVE TO focus on ME + My Recovery and NOT on my AH's ......
Easy?? - no!
*Simple* - yes!
Take Care!
Blue
Last edited by BlueMoon; 06-03-2004 at 08:05 PM. Reason: oopsy in coding
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: brooklyn, ny
Posts: 3
Thanks for the support everyone! I am a newcomer and loving the fact that I how have an outlet when I am frustrated & stuck here at work w. noone to vent to!
Anyways, my real fear isnt so much that he will relapse - it is that I will never have a more mature relationship with this person - that maybe it is just his personaility and even sober he will never improve his social skills, learn to enjoy people more, show genuine interest in others rather than obsessing about himself, stop projecting his insecurites onto others, stop being so defenisive & critical, etc etc etc...
That is my big, gnawing fear, that I am waiting for something that will never happen. I cant believe that needing more communication from this person is a 'co-dependant' trait - it seems a normal need for a mature adult in a serious relationship! Is my co-dependance in the fact that I am STAYING with him? That is a scary thought, that the more I learn through ALAn will just push us further apart...
Anyways, my real fear isnt so much that he will relapse - it is that I will never have a more mature relationship with this person - that maybe it is just his personaility and even sober he will never improve his social skills, learn to enjoy people more, show genuine interest in others rather than obsessing about himself, stop projecting his insecurites onto others, stop being so defenisive & critical, etc etc etc...
That is my big, gnawing fear, that I am waiting for something that will never happen. I cant believe that needing more communication from this person is a 'co-dependant' trait - it seems a normal need for a mature adult in a serious relationship! Is my co-dependance in the fact that I am STAYING with him? That is a scary thought, that the more I learn through ALAn will just push us further apart...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
I don't think that what you are learning will push you further apart. I've found that what I am learning alows me to see things much more clearly. Once I can see things more clearly, making the right choices is much easier whether that choice is further apart or closer together.
L
L
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