Txhelp

My head is spinning....mostly because I feel I am at a crossroads.

It's so very difficult for parents of adult children, with substance abuse issues, to "let go." Although I know it's the right thing.You don't completely sever the chord as a mom....

The complication comes in the grey areas. My son (age 24) completed rehab and went to sober living about 6 hours away. It didn't work out as he was overwhelmed by new place, no car, no job. I told him to stick it out but what do I know (haha). He moved in with a friend. No job, no money, no car. Great idea! Of course, it's not working out. As far as I know...he's sober. However, I don't want him living with me. But he says..."I have no place to go." I mention "homeless shelter."

My daughter (age 19) is on probation with sweat patch and soberlink (breathalyzer x 4 day). She just switched to synthetic marijuana. I've kicked her out numerous times over the last few years. The No drugs or being high in my house RULE....seems to be the one she breaks. Go figure. She is back with me. It's not great but I judge on behaviors....yesterday was iffy! We see about today. She works.

My main thing is obtaining peace in my household. Both children know this is important. I don't think they care.

I have a hard time with my kids being homeless. When my daughter gets kicked out she has an easier time finding a place. My son...no so many "resources."

I guess I am just venting. If I wasn't emotionally connected. I would say "oh well, you made your bed and lie in it." When it's your kids....I feel like I should assist during their sobriety even though they are still making crappy decisions.

Any comments?

lizwig

Good morning Tx, your paragraph regarding your son could have been written by me a year ago. Except that my son relapsed causing him to get kicked out of his Oxford house. He's been couch surfing for the past year (to my knowledge). Our adult children are very resourceful and do their best to make us believe we are their only option. I know this isn't true. My son still has a very good group of friends who are in recovery that are willing to encourage and assist him in finding stability once HE chooses sobriety for himself. Until then...they are warming up in the bullpen. Ready to assist with a ride to rehab once called upon. But they have made it clear they want no involvement in the chaos caused by his addiction. I don't either. He has a standing offer of rehab once he's willing to commit himself. I reached my bottom a year ago...after 5 years of encouraging, assisting, supporting, counseling, reasoning, threatening etc. I simply laid down my end of the rope. I can pick it back up (but this time with gloves on) once I witness him trying to climb his way out.

I feel for you. This is not easy. As Kindeyes has said before "being a parent of an addict is not for weenies". I try to remember that "life will never give me more than God can handle" and hand everything over to him each morning.

Have you googled Oxford Houses in your area? It might be a good alternative.

Txhelp

You are right lizwig about them being resourceful. I did look into Oxford house. I have mentioned it to him. We will see. His choice-

Yes...I have faith in God and that has been my saving grace. I pray that my children will allow him to lead him into a fruitful life.

sweetaxiom

Sometimes kids really need that tough love, and to hit bottom. I hope your children do stay sober.

nancylee

I know I could never cut off my children. I would let them live with me, with boundaries. No alcohol or drugs, or out. And I would make thm leave, but not cut tie.

I hope you son recovers,
Peace,
Nancy

Lotusangel

Txhelp, I feel your pain. It is so hard for me to think or accept my 23 yo AS being homeless. I dread having to make that decision ever. I don't know if I can ever just sever or detach completely. I just pray every night for God to give me the strength to make the right choices for me and allow my son the see each day with a little more clarity. One thing I have changed lately, though, when he starts talking chaos, I let him know that I cannot participate in the drama conversations. I tell him that if he wishes to speak with me, I don't want to hear all the crazy talk and that I love him very much but I want to keep some of my sanity. I just don't return the text messages and give him the space that he needs (very hard to do but don't want to participate in a conversation that is going nowhere and draining). He is not homeless because he lives in a condo we own, but he knows that if he does anything illegal or makes his sister (roommate) uncomfortable in any way, he will have to leave because she is my child too and I want her safe. He is very respectful with her but she doesn't baby him and manages to focus on her life like she is supposed to with out getting caught up in all his drama. She's only 20, works and goes to college (good role model for him). I always tell him that he needs to be there for her and protect her. So maybe, just maybe he holds back a little because she lives with him, I hope. I have to take it one day at a time, but I think I do a better job now of not letting him get me all caught up in "that" moment. I don't burst out of my house now every single time he's having a mental crisis because I have accepted that "I" can't change a thing if "he" still wants to do what he wants to do. But I love him with all my heart and soul no matter what. That's what parents do.

needingabreak

TXhelp my son is 29! I feel your pain and identify with everything you said. My son as you may have read in another thread just returned from 60 days detox/in house rehab and then sober living. He was allowed to come home with rules to follow. He had been living out with another girl he was seeing and had broken up with. Messing up means he is OUT and he knows it. No drugs, therapy (he goes 2x a week), helping around the house, no video game playing at all during the day and keeping a constant honest dialogue going and actively look for a job. He keeps pretty close to the house, only sees one friend (sober) and his girlfriend who is the sweetest, greatest supporter he has. She teaches during the day so he spends almost every night with her and weekends. I am home during the day so when he is not doing something else I find things to keep him busy. So far, so good but it has only been a little less than 2 weeks. I continue to pray for God to work in him. He went to church while in rehab (never did at home) and is going with his GF now. This has been the absolute hardest thing we have ever had to do. Allowing him to hit bottom on his own was the nest thing we could do but yeah it was so hard! We have to love our kids enough to allow them to fall and get back up/ My son is more independent than when he left and we also have been working on OUR recovery which we needed to do desperately. I believe we are all better for it. I pray every night for every single mother and father, every family member dealing with this terrible disease. All you can do is what you know best. TX.

Txhelp

Thank you for the replies. It helps to have someone really understand how difficult this parent path can be....

I dislike parenting my adult children. I just want to be the MOM and not enforcer of rules at this stage.

I am in the waiting game.... my son needs to get a job soon. I don't feel it's healthy for adult children to live with their parents in any long term situation.

Twofish

Hello Txhelp, Welcome to the world of us moms with addicted children, mine, girls, are 19 and 22. Our DOC is/was heroin. I feel your pain thru the keyboard. Does your heart feel crushed? I feel guilt that I have failed as a mom, why my kids? Addiction, I have found out, is a very strong monster, that will get its way, not letting anyone stop it. The only way to stop the monster is to have the addict do it, desire total sobriety. I have learned not to let people who judge me, bother me. I have learned to accept support, listen to a addiction specialist, educate myself as much as possible, mostly to take care of ME. Sleep, eat, fluids, not be alone so much. Post often, listen to others who have been in our position. I did confide in my Pastor. SR is also a Godsend, these wonderful people are here, 24/7, they don't judge, it's confidential and I have trust in SR. Good luck, gentle hugs, don't ever give up, and yes I can't cut my kids off either! TF

Txhelp

Twofish....i initially (first year) had guilt. However, they had a great family life (according to them) and plenty of support to gain sobriety. They haven't always chosen the easy way. At some point, we are responsible for their lives.

No guilt here. As a parent you do what you can and what is healthy. Its up to them to find their way. I have pointed them in the right direction only to have them turn around and get lost.

For now, they are sober (I think) and I feel teetering. Change isn't easy at any age but when you are young you don't have the experience and wisdom.

I have to say have (2) kids only and (2) kids substance abusers is disheartening. Like with anyone that has something terrible go wrong, in their lives......it's easy to say "why me."

I know I have to protect me. I just have a difficult time balancing the now sober adult who doesn't have their crap together.

Twofish

Hi Txhelp, I guess I'm very lucky my AD's finally saw and admitted their addictions and now both girls are actively in treatment, one has been totally sober from opiates for almost 8 weeks the older one has been off heroin traded that for methadone for about 8 days. This is their first attempts at sobriety, so hope and my ever loving God is behind them and me. I still have a hard time NOT knowing they were addicts...not telling the truth came so easy to them. I find it hard to trust them again, this will take time. And yes the guilt is still lingering, hanging around my mind and heart. Addiction does torture everyone it can touch in life and death. TF

Txhelp

What I am seeing and hearing is that addiction recovery is a journey.

It's a horrible thing to see the addict in dire straits but to see how family are ripped apart....so disheartening.

I pray for your family, twofish, and all families that have been tortured by substance abuse.

Twofish

Hi Txhelp, I needed to hear that, thank you so very much! TF