AllThings

My husband is an alcoholic. He has been in and out of AA for 20+ years. I am a devout Christian and do not feel like divorce is a viable option for me. I dedicated my life to Christ over two years ago.

However, my faith is being put to the test... We have been married for 15, we had an amazing beach wedding on Martha's Vineyard. six months after we got married he started drinking heavily again. He is a binge drinker. He won't drink for days, weeks, or months at a time and then he'll have a bad spell...

I have two kids 13 & 10, from a previous marriage before turning MY life around. He has been to rehab three times in the last few months. On August 28th I dropped him off at yet another pricey facility about 45'min from us. All seemed to be going well.

However, about a week after he got home I discovered that he had met a woman in rechab and was having an affair. The poop hit the fan. I inadvertently saw 108 pages of text messages they had been sending each other. I was crushed. He says he ended it... But, I don't know what to do! I love him and know the man he is when he's sober.

This is SO unlike him, but I don't know how to recover from this. His sponsor says he should NOT move out. Thoughts?

Thanks,
Chris P.

fluffyflea

He is showing you who he is, believe him!

This will only get worse.

It doesn.t matter what his sponsor says,what matters is what you want.

Find some ALanon meetings in your area and some Alateen meetings for your kids.

Good luck.

Tamerua

I'm really sorry to hear all of that, that has to be really horrible to go through.

Your post said that he is great otherwise, but if he has been in and out of AA for 20 years, this is it. This is who he is. You just happened to see this one.

I personally couldn't stay with someone after being let down for 15 year chasing that sobriety dream and then an affair to top, but you have to decide what you will allow and tolerate. Stick around here, post, vent. Are you going to Al Anon?

BookNerd

I'm so sorry, AllThings. You must hurt so much right now. I encourage you to think of ways you can take good care of yourself over the next while.

You say you know the man he is, but he willingly broke his marriage vows, and if he met her in rehab the affair was likely begun while he was sober. I know first hand that it hurts so very badly to admit to yourself that the man who have dedicated your life to, whom you thought you would love and take care of forever, might not be who you thought he was. Sometimes though, it's better in the long run if you are willing to take off the rose colored spectacles and really take an impartial look.

I also wouldn't worry too much about what his sponsor says to him. You just need to do what you can to take care of yourself, right now. If you decide want to separate from him for a while to clear your head, you have that right.

I wish you all the best. Keep posting, you will find so many helpful and caring people here at SR.

LifeRecovery

Allthings-

It was my husband's affair that actually shocked me into dealing with the disease of addiction that was in my life also.

Al-Anon helped a great deal to heal from both, especially the skills of detachment and the Three Cs. I did not cause the disease, I cannot control the disease and I cannot cure the disease. Even though the focus is on the disease of addiction.

A lot of the Al-Anon reading that is personal stories were helpful also (a number of the readings shared about affairs also).

This stuff hurts, and it does not work itself out overnight. The same man you care very much about also behaved this way toward you and your relationship (sober or not). One of the hardest pieces I had to learn was that it was the same person who treated me so lovingly at other periods. I had to accept that both pieces (loving and the behaviors of an addict were part of the whole, not two seperate people.

AllThings

No, not right now

Recovering2

I don't totally believe his sponsor is telling him not to leave, but it doesn't matter. His recovery is his. It doesn't mean you follow his recovery rules. You have to find your own path.

The man he is sober is still the alcoholic who breaks his marriage vows. There is one person here...not two. Sadly, we can't control what our A's do. But we CAN decide what we want for our life. I'm Christian, I get the commitment to your vows to an extent. If only one person is committed to it, then you don't really have what you think you have.

What do you do at this point? Find AlAnon near you, and go to a few meetings. Especially if you are determined to stay, you will need to learn the tools to help you find serenity even if he doesn't change his ways. You will need the support and hope of the people in those rooms. We've all dealt with the pain and chaos this disease brings, we "get it".

AllThings

I do believe it. His sponsor is 75 years old and very traditional old AA. He wouldn't recommend any big changes in the first year. He would also probably not be the type to recommend leaving a spouse. He's old school.

You are right however, I do need to find my own path, I pray every day for guidance and wisdom on that front. I do not know what that path is right now.

dandylion

Allthings, His sponsor is his advisor--NOT YOURS!! (Also, he might be lying).

You have absolutely NO obligation to honor anything that his sponsor says---no more than you have to honor advice from Scooby Do!

dandylion

AllThings

Shoot, in my original post I made it sound like we've been married for 15 years... It's 15 MONTHS.

AllThings

Yes, I know. I usually like what his sponsor has to say, he's a quick witted, generally "spot-on" kind of guy. I've met him several times.

I have a Christian therapist that I see. My husband used to see her too, but he quit going, he has agreed to see her again for marriage counseling. She is my biggest advisor right now. I saw her Friday.

I do not want to make excuses for my husband. That said, I think this affair was an attempt to focus on something new, exciting, and positive and not focus his energy on himself. He feels pressure at home, pressure at work, pressure from his family, now very negative pressure from MY family, I think he just wanted to escape reality. Does that excuse him? No, never. It's simply how I see it.

Do I think he's really quit seeing her? I have no idea. Seeing her...maybe (for now) communicating with her, I doubt it. Time will tell...

Leftover

Allthings, you really are in a tough spot. Your Christian values might get in the way of a rational decision. Your husband seems not to have those same values and that can lead to additional problems as time goes on. Your marriage is young and you have many ups and downs to endure. With the addition of addiction and infidelity, you may have a tough time of it. I wish you peace and strength to look at your situation with clear eyes and an open mind.

AnvilheadII

so it's OK with you that your husband has been with someone else?? and that all this BS has happened in your short 15 month marriage? vows are taken by TWO people, not ONE pledging themselves to the other. he has trampled over HIS vows....

you may have made a mistake in choosing THIS man. hopefully you believe your Higher Power accepts you and your mistakes. and would never WANT you to stay in pain??

Missus

So ... your husband's sponsor says no major changes in the first 12 months (which I believe is standard advice) ... does an affair not count as a major change? He has pretty much trampled over that one...

AllThings

No, Anvil, it is NOT ok with me that he had an affair, we will begin Christian marriage counseling this week. Yes, he has betrayed his vows, that does not mean I should necessarily betray mine. He is not living up to his Christian beliefs right now, but that does not mean that he cannot chose to, I will give him the opportunity to do what is right before I make any other decisions.

My higher power, whom I CHOSE to call Jesus Christ, not only accepts my mistakes and accepts me, he is literally crazy about me. He loves me, unconditionally. This is I will not doubt.

The other complication right now is that I am very ill. I will have surgery again this week. I cannot chose anything that will cause me even greater stress right now. This is my choice, all I ask for is support.

AllThings

Never. My Christian values are the only way I make decisions, with His help. I try to do all things for His glory. I often fall short, but that is the goal. I do not make excuses for my decisions, I know the only way to make them we'll is through prayer and biblical direction.

I will not divorce, it is outside my beliefs. I may separate while he finds his path back to Christ, for my well being and that of my children, but I will not divorce.

AllThings

Yes, he has. I hope he chooses to follow his sponsor's advice from now on. He sees how his choices are affecting his family and that weighs on him. I can only PRAY he will not chose to continue down this path of recklessness. It leads to no where.

peaceofpi

I am truly sorry for what you are going through.

More than two years ago I discovered evidence of my STBXA's adultery. From there, I went into therapy; learned about alcoholism; and learned that, without A's commitment to sobriety, marriage counseling was a waste of time.

It helped to talk to Christian friends and to my preacher. In Matthew 19:9, Jesus cites fornication as an acceptable reason for divorce. I researched the Bible's references to drunkenness and came across 1 Corinthians 5:11 in a chapter discussing sexual immorality: Church members should not associate with anyone who claims to be a Christian "but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater and slanderer (liar), a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people."

Well, every word described STBXA, who also is an emotionally abusive blamer. I would have filed for divorce immediately after the discovery of adultery, but for our very young child.

I am assuming you have no children together? My struggle is that state laws tend to give 50/50 split in a divorce (even to alcoholic parent) unless you can prove physical abuse.

On the bright side, going through this ordeal has strengthened my faith. I try to put my energy into trusting God and giving thanks for my blessings rather than worrying about the future and that which I cannot change.

deeker

Biblically you know the answer right? Divorce is permissable if adultery is there.

AllThings

More or less, this is what I am waiting to see. I need to know that he is truly not committed to sobriety and to a Christian path before we separate. He has 30 days sober today and even through the stress of being caught in an affair has not picked up a drink. While this is hopeful, it is not evidence either way. I remain prayerful and watchful.