amends? kinda...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
amends? kinda...
I really love this forum. Everyone here is so kind and non judgemental. When I came here, I had a perscription for Percocet but I didnt believe I was an addict. I was so focused on Ds heroin problem. I mean... I wasnt breaking the law. I had a legal right to my opiate. I lived in denial. I hid my addiction. I minimized that I snorted my pills, stockpiled them, or ran out early. Then, this spring when the doctor cut me off, I found myself stealing Ds heroin because I had no other way to get opiates. Instead of him getting angry, he was excited. He now had the girl of his dreams. We were a real bonnie and clyde.
I am ashamed that I decieved my friends here. I am ashamed that I hid my own issues and made it seem like codependency was my only problem.
As far as treatment goes I like to spend most of my time in al anon. It seems to be more about getting better than NA. I feel like NA is just a place to talk war stories.
I really like my sponsor. She is in her 60s and I enjoy spending time with her.
I made this thread to say to everyone who has been here at least a year:
Thank you for all of your support, Ann LMN kindeyes cynical one anvill incitinsilence englishgarden. And anyone else I forgot to mention... hugs to all of you.
I cling to god every day, one day at a time, and I want to make amends for my deception. I admire all of you here. Thank you for not pushing me away. <3
I am ashamed that I decieved my friends here. I am ashamed that I hid my own issues and made it seem like codependency was my only problem.
As far as treatment goes I like to spend most of my time in al anon. It seems to be more about getting better than NA. I feel like NA is just a place to talk war stories.
I really like my sponsor. She is in her 60s and I enjoy spending time with her.
I made this thread to say to everyone who has been here at least a year:
Thank you for all of your support, Ann LMN kindeyes cynical one anvill incitinsilence englishgarden. And anyone else I forgot to mention... hugs to all of you.
I cling to god every day, one day at a time, and I want to make amends for my deception. I admire all of you here. Thank you for not pushing me away. <3
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
make those amends to YOU as well. forgive yourself.
heck honey, my brilliant PLAN was to use WITH hank - voluntarily, to keep him from being "out there" doing god knows what. and then we had 4.5 years of using together.....me turning into a crack addict, for god's sake. me! I came here to SR cuz I needed to learn how to detach/separate from what was HIM and what was ME. I found there was exactly ONE person I could save.
I was worried truth be told that if we quit, what would we have left? was I with him just cuz he was my conduit? when he started to get really weird when high, all geeked tweaked and peaked, naked, sweating, paranoid, awful, that didn't STOP me from still wanting to get some. knowing that within 8 seconds of that first hit he'd turn into that pathetic morass of a human didn't stop me.
I started using thinking I could save him. but when I quit, I did it for ME. I HAD to. he wasn't exactly keen on the idea....he wasn't gonna quit cuz I said so. I made plans to leave. I am still today ready to leave if need be. giving away my own life preserver doesn't save me.
do this for you. D has to deal with his stuff. that can't be your problem. dedicate yourself to your recovery. be relentless. for the NOW. not the maybe future if....
heck honey, my brilliant PLAN was to use WITH hank - voluntarily, to keep him from being "out there" doing god knows what. and then we had 4.5 years of using together.....me turning into a crack addict, for god's sake. me! I came here to SR cuz I needed to learn how to detach/separate from what was HIM and what was ME. I found there was exactly ONE person I could save.
I was worried truth be told that if we quit, what would we have left? was I with him just cuz he was my conduit? when he started to get really weird when high, all geeked tweaked and peaked, naked, sweating, paranoid, awful, that didn't STOP me from still wanting to get some. knowing that within 8 seconds of that first hit he'd turn into that pathetic morass of a human didn't stop me.
I started using thinking I could save him. but when I quit, I did it for ME. I HAD to. he wasn't exactly keen on the idea....he wasn't gonna quit cuz I said so. I made plans to leave. I am still today ready to leave if need be. giving away my own life preserver doesn't save me.
do this for you. D has to deal with his stuff. that can't be your problem. dedicate yourself to your recovery. be relentless. for the NOW. not the maybe future if....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
We're all human.....doing this thing on earth as best we can......I'm glad the hear that you are taking care of yourself and getting clean and sober. Quitting the use of substances is just one aspect of recovery.....the really tough part IS the behavioral changes. Nar-Anon and Al-Anon address the behavioral change aspect really well and there are a lot of behavioral similarities between addiction and codependence.
But I agree with AnvilheadII, I hope your amends extends first and foremost to yourself.
Keep taking care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
But I agree with AnvilheadII, I hope your amends extends first and foremost to yourself.
Keep taking care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Oh wow anvill and KE THANK YOU!!!!
god has separated us and sent him to prison. I am so thankful! I can relate to everything you wrote! I have not recieved any letters, and I have not written any. I have not decided if I will visit.
I have no clue what is going on with him, and that is OK with me.
Im also not out jumping for a new boy toy either because that is a whole nother kind of using.
I am so glad that God removed him from my life. I am so glad he told the cops my dope was his.
I dont want to be a monster anymore. I feel like a vampire. I dont understand why people go on suboxone or methadone. The physical really isnt that bad, ya know?
(Sigh) it just feels good to FINALLY have some damn integrity.
My name is [lily] I am addicted to opiates. I am a christian girl. I love ballet and piano and violin. I am not who I want to be yet, but thank GOD I am notwho I was even justa couple months ago.
I still have this stupid fantasy that one day, years from now, D will find me in church and be sober. Its strange because I ALMOST want to be no contact. Almost. I am no contact, but not by choice.
I am afraid of the letter that I believe will come. I dont believe he will ask for money, because his mother will take care of that.
I really enjoy being in outpatient. I dont understand why so many of my addicted "friends" said they hated it. I dont have any plans on quitting treatment anytime soon. I havent felt PAWS yet. I think my clouds are looking pink, but damn this cloud is comfy! !!
Some of my "friends" who dont do opiates but drink and smoke pot are PISSED that I cut them out. They blew up my phone, showed up at my house. I was honest with them. " Im sorry, but I struggle with pot and drugs and alcohol in general. I dont mind if you drink, but as long as you continue to use weed, then we cant be friends anymore" some of these girls have been there for me through thick and thin for almost 15 years. One of them lets call her L replied by saying " what is the big deal!?!? HOW DARE YOU cut me out for weed when I didnt cut you out for HEROIN! And why cant you smoke pot!? It is so much better than real drugs!? Junkies use it to get clean all the time! It waaay better than subs or methadone!!!"
I told her I am not on methadone or subs. I choose not to be around people who do drugs. She is "highly successful" and does not look like an addict. Well then why is she so offended that I only want to be around clean people!? Why doesnt L understand if I smoke weed I will be kicked out of my program!!!! If I go on maintenance meds it WILL lead me back to dope!!!!
I cut her out, told her not to come to my house, changed my phone number, and blocked her from my FB. My other friends had similar reactions but hers was the most severe. I told all of them that if they ever decided to be sober then we can be friends again.
I just dont understand WHY they think that weed is soooooo different.
Wow. This turned into a vent but I am glad to express it.
I guess I am really sad to have lost my friends. I had this crazy idea that once they found out I had quit heroin, it would inspire them to quit weed. I guess not... I guess I thought weed was different too...
god has separated us and sent him to prison. I am so thankful! I can relate to everything you wrote! I have not recieved any letters, and I have not written any. I have not decided if I will visit.
I have no clue what is going on with him, and that is OK with me.
Im also not out jumping for a new boy toy either because that is a whole nother kind of using.
I am so glad that God removed him from my life. I am so glad he told the cops my dope was his.
I dont want to be a monster anymore. I feel like a vampire. I dont understand why people go on suboxone or methadone. The physical really isnt that bad, ya know?
(Sigh) it just feels good to FINALLY have some damn integrity.
My name is [lily] I am addicted to opiates. I am a christian girl. I love ballet and piano and violin. I am not who I want to be yet, but thank GOD I am notwho I was even justa couple months ago.
I still have this stupid fantasy that one day, years from now, D will find me in church and be sober. Its strange because I ALMOST want to be no contact. Almost. I am no contact, but not by choice.
I am afraid of the letter that I believe will come. I dont believe he will ask for money, because his mother will take care of that.
I really enjoy being in outpatient. I dont understand why so many of my addicted "friends" said they hated it. I dont have any plans on quitting treatment anytime soon. I havent felt PAWS yet. I think my clouds are looking pink, but damn this cloud is comfy! !!
Some of my "friends" who dont do opiates but drink and smoke pot are PISSED that I cut them out. They blew up my phone, showed up at my house. I was honest with them. " Im sorry, but I struggle with pot and drugs and alcohol in general. I dont mind if you drink, but as long as you continue to use weed, then we cant be friends anymore" some of these girls have been there for me through thick and thin for almost 15 years. One of them lets call her L replied by saying " what is the big deal!?!? HOW DARE YOU cut me out for weed when I didnt cut you out for HEROIN! And why cant you smoke pot!? It is so much better than real drugs!? Junkies use it to get clean all the time! It waaay better than subs or methadone!!!"
I told her I am not on methadone or subs. I choose not to be around people who do drugs. She is "highly successful" and does not look like an addict. Well then why is she so offended that I only want to be around clean people!? Why doesnt L understand if I smoke weed I will be kicked out of my program!!!! If I go on maintenance meds it WILL lead me back to dope!!!!
I cut her out, told her not to come to my house, changed my phone number, and blocked her from my FB. My other friends had similar reactions but hers was the most severe. I told all of them that if they ever decided to be sober then we can be friends again.
I just dont understand WHY they think that weed is soooooo different.
Wow. This turned into a vent but I am glad to express it.
I guess I am really sad to have lost my friends. I had this crazy idea that once they found out I had quit heroin, it would inspire them to quit weed. I guess not... I guess I thought weed was different too...
a southern belle
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: tennessee
Posts: 265
No harm done to us sweetie but I'm sure it was eating you up inside! I'm super happy to have witnessed the release of your demon! Be easy on yourself... Lord knows we were all master liars! Remember ....the truth sets you free...massages the mind and lightens the heart! Good love...mags
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 250
I'm sorry that your friends are not supporting you through your sobriety. I think a true friend is someone that wants you to be strong, happy and healthy because friends only want good things for each other, right? It could be that your friends are still in denial about their own issues and they are not ready to confront them. I'm glad, though, that you have left the door open for them to join you in sobriety, whenever that may be.
Sometimes as our lives change, so do the people in them. You are starting a new chapter in your life and maybe that will bring in some new characters and new friendships. You seem to be making positive changes both in your thinking and in your behavior. I'm glad that you are taking care of yourself and posting in this forum. No doubt others will be inspired by your posts. I know I am!
Sometimes as our lives change, so do the people in them. You are starting a new chapter in your life and maybe that will bring in some new characters and new friendships. You seem to be making positive changes both in your thinking and in your behavior. I'm glad that you are taking care of yourself and posting in this forum. No doubt others will be inspired by your posts. I know I am!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
I applaud your decision to 'come clean." I think it took a lot of guts and hope you feel good about it and work hard on YOU because you are worth it. Your friends feel threatened because by your quitting it puts the spotlight on them. You have to do what is best for you and it sounds like that is exactly what you are doing even though I know losing you friends is tough. You will meet some new people who care about you and your sobriety and will support that. I'm glad you trusted the people here to say what you did. Some really great and supportive people here, I can tell!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
Good for you Lily! I remember writing to you on a different forum when you were first acknowledging your issues. The responses you've received on this post are exactly what I felt you'd receive...support, kindness and understanding.
I admire your courage...big hug and a high five to you today!!!
I admire your courage...big hug and a high five to you today!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 65
I'm sorry you're friends responded the way they did Lily, but, I went through that years ago too. Just let them go and do what's right for you.
In my early twenties, I thought I had lots of friends, it turned out we mostly just got high together. One day we bought some coke from this guy, and I sat there chatting him up, and it dawned on me....he is exactly like me, only with 5+ years of coke addiction...and I don't want to be anything LIKE THAT.
Quit all drugs that day. All my friends abandoned me (except my friend India mentioned in my thread). No more invitations to parties, or even just out for drinks, no more....anything. Every one of them thought that my quitting was a judgement on them. Even though it wasn't, I was just doing what I need to do for myself.
Within the month, I had successfully replaced drugs with alcohol, and it took me acting like a jacka$$ at a friends B-day party to realize that needed to go too. Quit drinking for 3 years. Ended up with about two total friends after 86'ing my habits.
For the sake on honesty, I ended up using MJ again later in life, but only sporadically (2-3 times a year) and now have even outgrown that, it holds no allure. I do still drink, in what I think is moderation, but I try to remain cognizant of whether or not my recreational use is becoming something more.
In my early twenties, I thought I had lots of friends, it turned out we mostly just got high together. One day we bought some coke from this guy, and I sat there chatting him up, and it dawned on me....he is exactly like me, only with 5+ years of coke addiction...and I don't want to be anything LIKE THAT.
Quit all drugs that day. All my friends abandoned me (except my friend India mentioned in my thread). No more invitations to parties, or even just out for drinks, no more....anything. Every one of them thought that my quitting was a judgement on them. Even though it wasn't, I was just doing what I need to do for myself.
Within the month, I had successfully replaced drugs with alcohol, and it took me acting like a jacka$$ at a friends B-day party to realize that needed to go too. Quit drinking for 3 years. Ended up with about two total friends after 86'ing my habits.
For the sake on honesty, I ended up using MJ again later in life, but only sporadically (2-3 times a year) and now have even outgrown that, it holds no allure. I do still drink, in what I think is moderation, but I try to remain cognizant of whether or not my recreational use is becoming something more.
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