Radio

Hello, I'm a 34 year old male and have recently had a public breakdown at my work. My mom was married to my step-father from the time I was 6 until I graduated. Throughout the marriage he started slipping deeper and deeper into alcoholism. From what I have read, he could be described as a high-functioning alcoholic. The way he treated my mom and myself was so bad that she eventually divorced him. I didn't speak with him for about two years, but eventually got reconnected with him. Long story short, I got hired on to the same company as him in 1999. I noticed how bad he treated people, especially myself, and have always been somewhat stand-offish with him throughout the years. His attitude and behavior got worse and worse with his family, but his friends (mostly drinkers) and co-workers think he's "a fun guy." About a month ago he screamed and cussed me out in front of our boss (who's a very nice man, but ineffectual when it comes to discipline) and walked away ignoring like he would usually do. This time, however, I snapped. I felt a rush of negative feelings for being around this person for nearly 30 years and I followed him to the office and told him I would beat the hell out of him if he ever talked to me like that again. He started acting like a victim, asking people in the office what my problem was and if they were hearing this ect...I followed him out of the office to try and talk to him but he shouted that I was "deranged" and that "I wasn't even his real son." I had a bit of a breakdown to my boss and quit my job of nearly 15 years the next day. The problem is, I can't shake my feelings of how much I hate him right now. This incident makes me remember things from the past and how he treated my mom and I. I feel emotionally crippled. I've had anxiety attacks in the past and I'm horrible at maintaining relationships. The more I start to read about this, the more I start to think my problems are rooted in growing up with an emotionally abusive alcoholic. Since I'm unemployed currently, I can't run out and spend money talking to a therapist which is something I've considered for many years. I would like to hear from people that aren't family or friends. I'm in a state of mind right now where nothing is really interesting or fun anymore and I can't help shake thoughts and memories about how bad it was growing up around this person. It's hard to talk about this, but I feel like I need to talk about it with someone or I'm going to be a wreck. Deep down, I've always been a funny, sensitive person but I feel like this person has ruined me at this point in my life. If anyone has any points of view about this, I would really love to hear...

Florence

Hi and welcome. Keep reading and sharing here, and cruise over to the Adult Children of Alcoholics Forum.

Katiekate

Hi Radio, welcome to sr so glad you found us.

Many of us here come to the forum in the condition you have now found yourself in. It sounds to me like you are experiencing some post traumatic stress. Growing up around the viciousness and chaos of alcoholism often leaves us crippled emotionally.

I encourage you to read around the friends and family sections of the forum and probably the Adult Children section as well. You will find that you are not alone, I hope that will give you some comfort.

Please consider visiting some Al anon meetings and also consider counseling, it is possible that you may be able to find a good counselor in a clinic that specializes in addicition and it's affects on the family. In the beginning of my journey I paid my counselor 5 dollars a visit, I have since gotten on insurance and she is in private practice, but she is and was a god send.

We are here to support and comfort you in anyway we can, you truly are not alone.

Please keep posting, much love to you Katie

Radio

Is it okay to go to AL-Anon meetings not being a drinker myself? I'm really not sure how it works. If so, do non-drinkers find it helpful? I would go to counseling but I'm in the "every penny counts" boat at the moment. A big part of my resentment towards my step-dad at the moment is I feel he forced me to do something stupid that I regret and quit my job because of it.

FireSprite

Hi Radio - Al Anon is not for alcoholics, they have AA. Al Anon is for family & friends of alcoholics & addicts to help them keep the focus on themselves & learn tools to help down the path of recovery. YES - they can help you!

Catherine628

Al anon is for friends and family of alcoholics. AA is for alcoholics. Al anon is a great place to share your story with other people who have been through the same thing.

Radio

Oh, okay! I didn't know they were two separate entities. I will look into it right away. Thank you! Does anyone have any starting advice of what to expect or how they began to deal with this...?

FireSprite

All you have to do is GO. Listen. Share when you feel capable or it or have specific questions. I know that they often recommend trying different meetings until you find the right fit for you - each group can be a bit different. You'll hear other's sharing their experiences and find threads in it that relate to your own and little by little you gain a better comprehension of alcoholism as a whole & how each of us are affected the same yet differently.

And read here at SR - start with the stickeys at the top of this forum & DEFINITELY over on the ACoA forum. It will help tons!

Radio

I'm looking at local meetings now. Some of them sound "teen" based. I hope that's not it.

FireSprite

Ala-Teen meetings are specifically for the kids. You want Alanon specifically.... but you'll find both meetings listed together in the schedules. Think of them as "sister" organizations - separate target audiences but the same in terms of the content.

Radio

Okay, one for tonight says All Men AFG (closed). One for tomorrow says AFG (open). Not sure what this means. Family group...?

FireSprite

I believe it stands for Family Group - but I'm not an Alanon expert - maybe someone can chime in?

The closed meetings are for members & prospective members only. Open meetings can be attended by not just those in the organization but non members like students, etc. All Men obviously means it's a men only meeting, which may make you more comfortable.

Radio

I don't really understand the closed/open meeting thing. Am I excluded from going to the closed meeting tonight?

LSC1

My understanding Radio is that a "closed" meeting is ONLY for people that are directly affected by an alcoholic (like yourself) and at "open" meetings anyone can go. Hope this helps .

catlovermi

No, this "closed" means that in order for you to attend this meeting, you are directly affected by someone's alcoholism. You are not an observer or student coming to observe only. You have what is called a "qualifier," which means a person in your life who has caused you damage due to their alcoholism. Those without a "qualifier" would be students doing a theme paper on Al-Anon, friends of (a person with a qualifier) who attend for moral support, and other observers/visitors.

You will feel welcome. They understand.

You do not need to say anything, but are welcome to when invited to speak.

Welcome to SR.

CLMI

FireSprite

No, a closed meeting is basically closed to lookie-loos (for lack of a better term). sometimes meetings are attended by students, professors, alcoholics themselves. A closed meeting would simply be for those currently in Al Anon or looking to become members.

CarryOn

Welcome Radio.

There is a sticky at the top of this forum about Al-Anon meetings. At your first meeting, they will ask if it is your first meeting and will have a "newcomer" meeting for you. The group or a part of the group will walk you through how Al-Anon works and share some of their stories with you. They will invite you to share your story if you feel comfortable in doing so. You will be encouraged to try at least six different meetings so you can find one that works for you and get the full idea of the purpose of the group. The first meeting can be overwhelming so it does help to go to a few. Also, as you saw on the lists there are Alateen meetings, meetings specifically for men or women, etc....there are also some meetings for Adult Children of Alcoholics. If you do not see one on the list, you can ask at the meeting you attend if there is one in your area that the other members know of.

Welcome...sorry for what brought you here, but we're glad you found us. You'll find a lot of understanding and support.

catlovermi

An all men Alanon Family Group (AFG) meeting might just be a terrific fit for you. It will be all men who have been affected by someone else's alcoholism, and it will be a place where specifically men will feel a little less inhibited about sharing their experiences, being only with peers and no women attending.

ACOA, in case you did not know, stands for Adult Children of Alcoholics. Did you know that growing up in a household with an alcoholic parent figure forges certain characteristics in the kid that they later often struggle with as adults, because of the pathological environment of their childhood?

Check out the characteristics of ACOA's. Perhaps you can identify with some.

CLMI

Radio

Thanks to all for the replies. The info is really helpful. It sounds like it is okay for me to go to the one tonight, so I'm leaning toward going. It's nice to hear from people that have the same issues I've been bottling up for years and years.

thislonelygirl

Your not crazy. You didnt imagine the whole thing.
I take it that his denial plays apart in you second guessing yourself. Imo what it sounds like. Needing approval or recognition from non family and friends .
Its ok. We have all been there. The alcoholic in our lives have manipulated blamed denied and put us in for a loop. Its not uncommon that an alcoholics drinking actions and words cause those around pain and problems. Alcoholism is a poison that effects those around.
Children of alcoholics suffer the most. Regardless of paternity. He was the adult and role model and you the child in his care.
I hope you stick around here on sr and try out an alanon meeting.
Its free and beneficial! !!
Welcome to sr