Alcoholic husband is pushing me right out the door
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Fayette, Alabama
Posts: 15
Alcoholic husband is pushing me right out the door
I'm new here, so bear with me if this does not post where it should. I've been married for 24 years to a hard working, loving husband. The only problem we have in our marriage is his drinking. No matter how many times I tell him how much it bothers me and how much I tell him it effects our children to see him drunk he doesn't stop, he will do good after I really raise hell but then it goes back to how it was. I don't mind him having a drink to unwind from his very stressful job but to get drunk every night and try to act like your not is pushing me away from him. I no longer wish to be around him, have lost respect for him and needless to say there's no love life due to him being drunk every night. He cleans the house, does laundry and treats me like a queen. Sometimes I think he does all that so I'll be happy and I am, but I think he does it so I won't say anything about the drinking. I have 2 grown children that live on there own but a 16 year old who lives at home and is tired of it as well. He doesn't think he has a problem, but I'm here to say its a big problem. How can I make him see he's pushing us out the door and will find himself alone with his vodka bottle if he doesn't slow down. He's 60 years old and drinks 2-3 half gallons of vodka a week. Certainly his body can't take much more. He also takes 2 10mg percosets 3 times a day for RA but I have to keep them locked up and give them to him daily because he would take the whole bottle of 90 in 2-3 days. What am I going to do or what should I do? I'm starting to dislike him immensely but do love him.
Hi and welcome. I was married for 15 years. I lost it. She finally could not handle me anymore. It happened so fast (in my mind, the divorce). I think there are two sides to this illness. The alcoholic and the co-dependent/enabler. My wife was co-dependent. She loved me. But at the same time as an alcoholic which is detrimental, and often a symptom of co-dependency, is "tolerating" the one your with- she was tolerant. There is a distinct difference between tolerating someones behavior (for and Alcoholic, I get away with my behavior) and help. Help meaning, "you get your sh** together or I am out". That would of "helped" me realize what I was about to loss. I was just grazing the field with no consequence. Try the Help side........i wish my wife did....
Welcome to SR.
There's also a family forum of alcoholics here.They might have more info for you there.
I can only speak from your husbands perspective.
Sadly,no matter what you do,it's really up to him to stop.
Have you ever considered taking a video of what you go through and showing him?
I know I was quite shocked at my behavior during a blackout.
There's also a family forum of alcoholics here.They might have more info for you there.
I can only speak from your husbands perspective.
Sadly,no matter what you do,it's really up to him to stop.
Have you ever considered taking a video of what you go through and showing him?
I know I was quite shocked at my behavior during a blackout.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
The one thing that you can do is get help for yourself. As sad as it is, the Alcoholic will only change the behavior when they are ready to change. I think arming yourself with some healthy tools will help out in the long run. Addiction is a very hard thing to deal with. The friends and family section on this forum has great information. Please keep posting and Welcome To SR!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Fayette, Alabama
Posts: 15
Hi and welcome. I was married for 15 years. I lost it. She finally could not handle me anymore. It happened so fast (in my mind, the divorce). I think there are two sides to this illness. The alcoholic and the co-dependent/enabler. My wife was co-dependent. She loved me. But at the same time as an alcoholic which is detrimental, and often a symptom of co-dependency, is "tolerating" the one your with- she was tolerant. There is a distinct difference between tolerating someones behavior (for and Alcoholic, I get away with my behavior) and help. Help meaning, "you get your sh** together or I am out". That would of "helped" me realize what I was about to loss. I was just grazing the field with no consequence. Try the Help side........i wish my wife did....
Hi and welcome Alabama! I come from the other side of the fence as a newly recovering alcoholic. The one thing I want to point out is that your husband CAN help himself! But, only he can help himself. That means letting the chips fall where they may. Strangely, well meaning significant others actually contribute (unwittingly) by buying into the fact that the alcoholic doesn't bear the responsibility.
The alcoholic is not at fault for having the illness, but it is up to them to make the changes necessary to recovery. Just like finding out you have diabetes, no shame in having it, but what are you going to do about it? Alcoholics can't have one or two, that is the very root of the problem. For us it is an all or nothing proposition. Your husband has to really really want to get well, because it isn't easy.
You might feel stuck right now, but beginning to educate yourself will empower you. This is a great resource to begin to learn about alcoholism and your part in what is known as a family disease. Other family members will be along to welcome you and share their experiences. I think you hit the nail on the head, he isn't worried about hurting your feelings....so why join him in that foray? You have every right to peace and happiness in this life, as much as he does. Please take care and welcome!
The alcoholic is not at fault for having the illness, but it is up to them to make the changes necessary to recovery. Just like finding out you have diabetes, no shame in having it, but what are you going to do about it? Alcoholics can't have one or two, that is the very root of the problem. For us it is an all or nothing proposition. Your husband has to really really want to get well, because it isn't easy.
You might feel stuck right now, but beginning to educate yourself will empower you. This is a great resource to begin to learn about alcoholism and your part in what is known as a family disease. Other family members will be along to welcome you and share their experiences. I think you hit the nail on the head, he isn't worried about hurting your feelings....so why join him in that foray? You have every right to peace and happiness in this life, as much as he does. Please take care and welcome!
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You'll get the hang of it
welcome to SR
You'll get the hang of it
welcome to SR
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 20
You sound like me except that I also drink too much. My husband goes out to a bar with "friends" six nights a week and I sit home and drink alone. I used to beg him to not drink, not go out, but then I realized he wasn't going to change. I too have taken pictures of him when he's drunk but then I don't show him them when he's sober. I have also kept a journal of what he's done over the years and how he's made me feel but I've never showed anyone that either. I've always blamed my drinking on him. The difference between him and I is that he gets falling down drunk, slurring words etc. I just get zoned out. I told myself I wasn't as bad as he was. Now my dr has told me to stop drinking, which I did as of Tuesday. So far I've been ok but I really don't know if I will be able to continue. I just keep telling myself to do this for me and ignore him. I hope someone else has an answer for husbands like ours. I know it would help them and me too. Good luck to both of us.
You sound like me except that I also drink too much. My husband goes out to a bar with "friends" six nights a week and I sit home and drink alone. I used to beg him to not drink, not go out, but then I realized he wasn't going to change. I too have taken pictures of him when he's drunk but then I don't show him them when he's sober. I have also kept a journal of what he's done over the years and how he's made me feel but I've never showed anyone that either. I've always blamed my drinking on him. The difference between him and I is that he gets falling down drunk, slurring words etc. I just get zoned out. I told myself I wasn't as bad as he was. Now my dr has told me to stop drinking, which I did as of Tuesday. So far I've been ok but I really don't know if I will be able to continue. I just keep telling myself to do this for me and ignore him. I hope someone else has an answer for husbands like ours. I know it would help them and me too. Good luck to both of us.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 20
Your reply made me cry. I can't believe there's someone like me out there. Good for you for starting again. I don't even know if my husband has noticed that I've been drinking water instead of my usual wine. Of course that's because he comes home around 9 and is usually drunk. He pours a glass of wine, sits in his chair and passes out. That takes about two minutes. No talking, no hi, how are you, nothing. Occasionally he's really mean but not physically. Usually he just ignores me. That's when I usually say to myself, and this is why I drink. Maybe on Sunday I will try and talk to him. That's the only day we talk because there's no alcohol until night time and he really doesn't drink that much then. Sunday is my good day of the week. And then I wake up on Monday and know that it's all going to start over and I will be alone till the next Sunday. Hopefully at least I won't be drinking next Sunday. I'm really going to try. We can do this!
Alabamama-
I would recommend you start a thread in the "Friends and Family" forum. There's a link below. You just click on it.
There's lots of people there dealing with alcoholic spouses. Lots of good feedback.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I would recommend you start a thread in the "Friends and Family" forum. There's a link below. You just click on it.
There's lots of people there dealing with alcoholic spouses. Lots of good feedback.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I kind of feel the same way mytimeforchange feels. I was in a very similar situation. Only seeing my own mortality before my eyes after a healthy scare made me quit. I'm not sure an ultimatum by my wife would have worked, but it very well could have.
One thing I will say is that there is no 1 drink to an alcoholic. I would say 99% of alcoholics need to quit cold turkey to be successful at quitting. If you leave that 1 drink open, they won't gain sobriety or moderation IMHO.
One thing I will say is that there is no 1 drink to an alcoholic. I would say 99% of alcoholics need to quit cold turkey to be successful at quitting. If you leave that 1 drink open, they won't gain sobriety or moderation IMHO.
There is an answer that works very well for many people in your situation. It's called Al-Anon.
There's also this board right here on SR:Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Best wishes to you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Fayette, Alabama
Posts: 15
Welcome to SR.
There's also a family forum of alcoholics here.They might have more info for you there.
I can only speak from your husbands perspective.
Sadly,no matter what you do,it's really up to him to stop.
Have you ever considered taking a video of what you go through and showing him?
I know I was quite shocked at my behavior during a blackout.
There's also a family forum of alcoholics here.They might have more info for you there.
I can only speak from your husbands perspective.
Sadly,no matter what you do,it's really up to him to stop.
Have you ever considered taking a video of what you go through and showing him?
I know I was quite shocked at my behavior during a blackout.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Fayette, Alabama
Posts: 15
The one thing that you can do is get help for yourself. As sad as it is, the Alcoholic will only change the behavior when they are ready to change. I think arming yourself with some healthy tools will help out in the long run. Addiction is a very hard thing to deal with. The friends and family section on this forum has great information. Please keep posting and Welcome To SR!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Fayette, Alabama
Posts: 15
You sound like me except that I also drink too much. My husband goes out to a bar with "friends" six nights a week and I sit home and drink alone. I used to beg him to not drink, not go out, but then I realized he wasn't going to change. I too have taken pictures of him when he's drunk but then I don't show him them when he's sober. I have also kept a journal of what he's done over the years and how he's made me feel but I've never showed anyone that either. I've always blamed my drinking on him. The difference between him and I is that he gets falling down drunk, slurring words etc. I just get zoned out. I told myself I wasn't as bad as he was. Now my dr has told me to stop drinking, which I did as of Tuesday. So far I've been ok but I really don't know if I will be able to continue. I just keep telling myself to do this for me and ignore him. I hope someone else has an answer for husbands like ours. I know it would help them and me too. Good luck to both of us.
Try Al-Anon or even an AA meeting. I used to think like your husband: "I cook, clean, work - what's the problem with my drinking??" Alcoholics think everyone is feeling/thinking like they are when they are "drunk. That's what alcohol does to your brain - makes you think differently. Just understand that alcoholism is not a self-control issue - there is an actual physical alteration that occurs also.
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