healthyagain

Ok, here is what's going on.

I think that my detachment works pretty fine, as I found things to do that do not involve my AH. I go for nice little walks, bike riding, shopping. Before, when I would invite my hubby to come with me, he would refuse (especially shopping, going to Walmart - can't blame him for that one, can you? LOL).

So, he had these tantrums 4-5 weekends in a row, and this is when I left him alone doing whatever. I also do not mention his drinking anymore.

So, now, for some strange reason, he wants to go out with me (for example, taking a walk in the park, even during his drinking time!) and he is not even whining about going to Walmart anymore! We went there twice in 5 days. I really like being alone, and I never meant to use detachment to control him, but I do not know how to explain his behavior (and I cannot not to notice that he is drinking less, although it is still a lot). So, I am wondering, is this some kind of a trap? (My husband is actually being nice, and I am shocked. Now, that's pathetic.)

If you only knew how difficult he usually is when we plan to do something together. . .

robgt350

well i think he might be feeling guilt about all this and his drinking. maybe he feels that his drinking caused you to pull his load and he want you to feel that is still wants to be with you and help you.

amy55

[QUOTE=healthyagain;4204987] So, I am wondering, is this some kind of a trap? (My husband is actually being nice, and I am shocked. Now, that's pathetic.)

^^^^^^^

This should also be in what normies don't know. That we get thrown off balance when the hubby is nice !!!!!!!!


Seriously though, my ex did the same thing to me. I loved to go to garden nurseries. He hated it. Told me I should go by myself. So I did. I would just tell him that I was going out for awhile, be back in about an hour, did that with walmart also, and any other place I wanted to go.

He felt the detachment, it confused him !!!!!!!!!! He wanted to feel like I needed him to be around me, when I actually didn't. (lol) He even asked me why I didn't ask him anymore, I told him that he said that I should do it by myself. He then started to ask me to go to places that he used to gripe about so much.

So I would say that he is just feeling confused and trying to figure out how to deal with this new "tactic" of your. And no, what you are doing is not controlling.

It's detachment, and it is giving you peace of mind.

catlovermi

Addicts hate it when their codependent gets between them and their substance of use. They can react by being defensive, abusive, controlling, or by abandoning the codependent.

Addicts fear when their enabler starts to distance themselves from the addiction. They can react by upping the charm, tightening the enmeshment.

Often in the dance of addiction/codependency there are wild swings between the two, above.

In the end, it's still just the dance of addiction.


CLMI

atalose

Don’t let your guard down. For every action we take there is going to be a re-action. Now that reaction can be positive or negative and right now today your husband seems to be leaning towards the positive side. But that could change on a dime so keep the focus on YOU and you moving ahead with healthier ways to approach life.

It’s when we get caught up in the codie thinking of “we’ve done this so now they are behaving nicely or not drinking as much or what ever” it gives US a false sense of control and keeps our codependency growing.

Hammer

He could be just "missing" you.

Not everything is a bad thing.

But since it is working (FOR YOU -- THIS IS ABOUT YOU -- Not About Controlling the A) . . . I would keep doing it.

allysen

Instead of focussing on what his motives may be, you could look at how YOU feel about it. Do you like being around him or no?

I went through something similar. In the end, I realized that I didn't actually want to be around him anymore regardless of whether or not he was making valid attempts. And I realized that when you don't want to be around the person you're married to....it's probably time to end it.

healthyagain

Actually it bothers me a bit. It is like having a baby brother around you, and you are a big girl now and want to be left alone. It is not that I do not like the idea of having a hubby around. I love his kindness, but I cannot know anymore whether it is real or whether we are doing the codependent-alcoholic dance again. It is funny because when I ask him directly to go somewhere-anywhere with me, he won't go (or hardly will, with lots of waaaah waaah). When I do it by myself, he thinks that I'm having a blast and then he wants to go too. It is just hard not to notice.

Regretter

Hi healthy,

From the point of view of someone with Social Anxiety, I would be far less comfortable being invited places than I would be making the choice to go myself, as I would feel in control of my own life as and when I felt able to go certain places. It's a complicated thing to live with.

I know that alcohol and drug dependence can exacerbate these sorts of feelings so perhaps, just perhaps, he wants to be involved but involved on his own terms, just as you do yourself?

That's not my best guess, it's just a thought I had.

firebolt

A little of the same is going on in my household. Problem is, I'm getting used to my me time and friends time, and enjoying the hell out of it....and it's getting so I don't WANT him there a lot of the time, even though his drinking is substantially less, and now for some reason he wants to be present. Go figure..

AnvilheadII

detachment also means we no longer try to figure out THEIR motives...we stick to our own path, doing what is best for US, and live and let live. remember you DID invite him before...and you have the right to uninvite him as well. if you want to go to walmart alone or the library or the bathroom, that is perfectly OK. if you don't mind his company, that's ok too.

SparkleKitty

I deleted a lot of words trying to say what Anvil said above and none of them were that clear. So I'll just second it.

m1k3

To put a little bit of a Zen spin on this, enjoy the moment while it lasts.

(Basically what anvil said except I made it all mystic and zenny )

Your friend,

dandylion

When we start to detach from them, they can "feel" it. As atalose said---don't let your guard down. The change is not permanent. The detachment is for you to feel more comfortable--less entangled.

dandylion

FireSprite

^This. I think when we pull back energetically, the other person in the equation feels it. When you detach it confuses him because it's new & he doesn't have a comfortable pattern to follow in those times so the choice becomes his... he can either keep doing whatever he's doing, nonplussed by the situation or he can change. Change might be due to truly missing your interaction, it might be a scouting mission to figure out "what you're up to" so that he can develop strategy for a NEW comfortable pattern, or maybe he misinterprets it to be anger on your part & he's trying to "be good".

Either way I agree it's HIS to handle at that point, the reasons why he acts the way he does may never be known - heck, HE may not even know if he's still actively drinking & reacting without thinking about it.

pinkdog

Hi healthy, maybe he missed going with you.

healthyagain

My guess is that he does misinterpret it as anger (like when I walked out to avoid the fight), but I was boiling when I left. When I came back, I was totally calm. No nagging either. So maybe he does feel the change. But I swear I am not trying to control him. Maybe this "freedom" makes him feel uncomfortable. He is probably analyzing things as much as I do.

Do you ever get the feeling that you and your AH or AW have actually trained each other to make the existence bearable? Probably to accommodate the disease. Does this make any sense to you? And now I have to untrain him.

Maybe he missed me, or maybe he likes me when I am less slimy and clingy...Who knows? Who knows?

OK, no more analyzing...will try...hard.

m1k3

This jumped out at me. Doing that is just jumping back on to the roller coaster.

If he is going to change he will have to do it himself.

I couldn't control or changemy AW's drinking and I couldn't control or change her recovery.

Your friend,

healthyagain

So yeah, obviously, I could undermine the process easily. That's what I was afraid of. Must keep in mind that I am only responsible for myself.

m1k3

The problem isn't that you'll wreck his recovery, it's that you'll wreck yours.

Your friend,